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Old 12-27-2016, 10:53 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles
895 posts, read 543,298 times
Reputation: 2201

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Because I have been cut off I send e-cards to my daughter letting her know I love and miss her. Yes, there are two sides to every story but when your adult child goes onto Facebook and sends out a message to every person within the family including my cousins about her mother than things need to change. It is unacceptable and tough to take. Social media has not helped matters. My sisters know how I have been treated and know the truth.

I spoiled my daughter for a long time because of guilt- her father was not a good person as I previously spoke about. My daughter manipulated me for years to get money out of me. The final straw was when she needed a divorce lawyer. Her step father and I paid out 2500.00 and what happens? She and her husband decide to go back together.

For years I was manipulated and I finally got strong and said I would not be so generous - the bank was closed. I will not be a door mat. Still it hurts like all heck as I know my daughter is dealing with a lot with regards to my grandson and it breaks my heart. Bottom line I guess we are no value to her anymore which is sad.

 
Old 12-27-2016, 10:54 PM
 
Location: State of Waiting
607 posts, read 763,176 times
Reputation: 1392
Quote:
Originally Posted by Escort Rider View Post
I find your anti-text-message point of view strange. I don't care much for text messages either, but I think it's because I am 72. Younger people don't have the same attitude about them. The value (that is, lack of value) that you place on text messages could well be a tacet assumption which, when not shared by the other party, gets in the way of communication.

Think about your last statement, which I bolded. A text message is a communication, which is actually orders of magnitude better than no communication at all.
A text message in this case is because the daughter does not want to converse with the Mom. Its a blow-off...

Daughter doesn't want to completely ignore the Mom (never know when you might REALLY need her, right? and want to keep those gifts coming!!) so a text is an ackowledgement. Totally and completely one sided, not a conversation. A cop out. Avoidance.

Hardly a way to thank a Mom for a Christmas gift or say Merry Christmas.

I would bet $ on it that if the Mom DID try to call the daughter it would go voice mail.

Actually I don't agree with that it is better than no communication... long story on that, my spouse would not agree either. It is a matter of respect and manners. Like, OOO a text! a nano second of thought went into that. Yippee. Just enough to keep the recipient hanging on. Total BS.
 
Old 12-27-2016, 10:59 PM
 
5,429 posts, read 3,450,730 times
Reputation: 13709
agree completely, Leaving4Ca. well-said.

Last edited by matisse12; 12-27-2016 at 11:24 PM..
 
Old 12-27-2016, 11:16 PM
 
Location: SoCal
13,232 posts, read 6,335,450 times
Reputation: 9854
The gift is a $5 gift. Get serious.
 
Old 12-28-2016, 12:25 AM
 
Location: interior Alaska
4,486 posts, read 3,319,586 times
Reputation: 13790
Quote:
Originally Posted by Escort Rider View Post
I find your anti-text-message point of view strange. I don't care much for text messages either, but I think it's because I am 72. Younger people don't have the same attitude about them. The value (that is, lack of value) that you place on text messages could well be a tacet assumption which, when not shared by the other party, gets in the way of communication.
Good point. I am not all that young but I was surprised to find that many people consider a text more impersonal or thoughtless than, say, an email or ecard. Maybe back when they were limited to 140 characters, but to me texts are quite friendly, coming as they do to a device one usually has on his or her person, and inviting a friendly casual back-and-forth...it's also so easy to include snapshots or video/audio clips...I don't know, they just feel personable to me, while being very low-pressure.

On the one hand it's not as Emily Post as a formal thank you note, but on the other hand, it's instant feedback, so the other person isn't left hanging, and it is more open to conversational response. So that's one way to look at it. I mean, CAN a text be a lazy blow-off, sure. But they're not inherently so.
 
Old 12-28-2016, 01:48 AM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,740,386 times
Reputation: 32304
Quote:
Originally Posted by Leaving4Ca View Post
A text message in this case is because the daughter does not want to converse with the Mom. Its a blow-off...

Daughter doesn't want to completely ignore the Mom (never know when you might REALLY need her, right? and want to keep those gifts coming!!) so a text is an ackowledgement. Totally and completely one sided, not a conversation. A cop out. Avoidance.

Hardly a way to thank a Mom for a Christmas gift or say Merry Christmas.

I would bet $ on it that if the Mom DID try to call the daughter it would go voice mail.

Actually I don't agree with that it is better than no communication... long story on that, my spouse would not agree either. It is a matter of respect and manners. Like, OOO a text! a nano second of thought went into that. Yippee. Just enough to keep the recipient hanging on. Total BS.
Not a conversation? Do you mean not an oral conversation? If so, that is obvious. However, we often call written exchanges (letters, emails, texts) conversations too in a looser sense. For example, we have "conversations" with one another by posting on City-Data. Sure the text is "one-sided" if you don't answer it.

As to the amount of thought, I've had plenty of phone (oral) conversations in which the other party has not put any thought to speak of in it. If the text consists, say, of the single word "Thanks", then I would agree with you. But lots of thought can also go into a text.

There are plenty of posters in this thread who would be thrilled to get any communication from their estranged child and they wouldn't be quibbling about the format.

Moderator cut: - Sending a text is not disrepectful! On the contrary, it is a normal mode of modern communication. Moderator cut: -

Last edited by Oldhag1; 12-28-2016 at 12:56 PM.. Reason: Please try to avoid writing things that could be construed as a personal attack.
 
Old 12-28-2016, 06:14 AM
 
6,208 posts, read 2,868,513 times
Reputation: 15721
Reverse situation. :

My adult children's father , does his best to avoid them. Every family event is an invite to him. He ignores them . In my mind , my sons have not given any reason for him to be this way. He simply is not a fatherly man . Although there was a time he had such skill. My eldest son continues to be consistent in reaching out. Tenacity at its finest. Recently my son openly conveyed his hurt about his Dad's' avoidance. I had no words to ease that sorrow. He still wants his fathers approval.
Op: I feel for your reaching out. It's a rejection . We love unconditionally. Doesn't mean we have to endure their going dark. Revisit this topic with your therapist. You deserve to feel good about yourself.. And this morsels of good gestures is not producing positive rekindling.
 
Old 12-28-2016, 06:29 AM
 
Location: Houston, TX
14,699 posts, read 8,490,820 times
Reputation: 29399
Speaking as a person on the other side:

My father and I are estranged, and it is because of his actions (or inactions, as the case may be). He is 72 now, and I am 39. I tried to meet up with him, called him, emailed him, many times over the last 20 years, and he would make many promises to visit, only to disappoint me repeatedly. When he finally did visit with me, it would be a brief meal at a restaurant, and off he went again. The last time we visited was October 2014, and only because he was very insistent. We had not seen each other for three years, once again because he had not contacted me.

I wondered if getting older had led him to regret blowing me off most of my life, and after another stilted brief restaurant meal, he emailed me a couple of times after ignoring my birthday. I never responded. I don't intend to ever again. He had his chance; he had far more chances than he deserved, and I'm not putting myself in that emotionally vulnerable position ever again just because he's my "father." My suggestion to OP is that if she is not answering, she doesn't want to. As much as it hurts, maybe you shouldn't force the issue. It will happen if it happens. This is a difficult thing for all concerned. But let her come to you next time when she's ready.
 
Old 12-28-2016, 06:31 AM
 
673 posts, read 2,028,978 times
Reputation: 875
To the OP - I think you are doing the right thing by keeping the line of communication open on your end. If you stop communicating, she will probably drift away forever. This is just my personal thought - I would not buy her a $5 shell as a gift, even if it is artistically done. If someone gave me that, I would appreciate the thought, but basically it would be clutter that I have to decide what to do with. I would make it simple, and send a card with a $15 Starbucks card inside. You know she won't throw that away. Also, every time she uses it she will think of you. I hope things turn around for you both - don't give up on her.
 
Old 12-28-2016, 06:43 AM
 
Location: ☀️ SWFL ⛱ 🌴
2,435 posts, read 1,669,408 times
Reputation: 8692
I am on another forum with younger members and there are two adult children that have stopped contact with their parents and have shared their stories. They have cut off all contact with their parents for their own reasons and in one case to lessen their parent's affect on the grandchildren. Another is in the process of setting boundaries which are not being honored and is heading towards no contact. They share to lessen the pain and have a sounding board like the posters here. They have not made these decisions arbitrarily and are feeling the consequences on many levels. They are in pain with the loss of that part of their lives.

Both sides are suffering and in pain. It's heartbreaking to read and see that each side believes the other side is happy with choosing the current outcome.

Last edited by jean_ji; 12-28-2016 at 07:15 AM..
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