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Old 12-30-2016, 08:03 AM
 
16,720 posts, read 14,699,211 times
Reputation: 41122

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Quote:
Originally Posted by CaliforniaGal View Post
I have been trying to communicate with my daughter endlessly. Well, tonight she sent me a text- a very vile text that I will not respond to. I keep reaching out and letting her know I am here
Just leave her be. Every time she sees your name on an email or text, she gets angrier.

If someone kept contacting me even though I'd asked them to stop, I too would probably send an ugly text saying STOP IT! and some other choice words.

For your own sake, please just stop.

 
Old 12-30-2016, 08:07 AM
 
16,720 posts, read 14,699,211 times
Reputation: 41122
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe View Post

So, am I now teaching my daughter that a mother should allow her children to treat her like dirt, simply because she is their mother?
The way she sees it, is you are invading her space every time you contact her when she has told you not to. When she yells at you or says mean things, isn't it related to you continuing to try to get her to talk?

She doesn't see this as abusing you. YOU see it that way because you are hurt. SHE sees you contacting her as abuse.

The only way you will get her to contact you is by leaving her alone completely, do not contact her for ANY reason. She will get up with you when she is ready. Just do not contact her ever again until SHE contacts you.

You are pushing her further away every time she looks down and sees yet another text or another email or a letter from you.
 
Old 12-30-2016, 09:14 AM
 
4,481 posts, read 4,743,078 times
Reputation: 9940
Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech View Post
The way she sees it, is you are invading her space every time you contact her when she has told you not to. When she yells at you or says mean things, isn't it related to you continuing to try to get her to talk?

She doesn't see this as abusing you. YOU see it that way because you are hurt. SHE sees you contacting her as abuse.

The only way you will get her to contact you is by leaving her alone completely, do not contact her for ANY reason. She will get up with you when she is ready. Just do not contact her ever again until SHE contacts you.

You are pushing her further away every time she looks down and sees yet another text or another email or a letter from you.


Does your head hurt yet?? I admire your efforts.
 
Old 12-30-2016, 09:32 AM
 
Location: Central NY
4,669 posts, read 3,245,044 times
Reputation: 11951
convextech: Just wanted to say I agree with your posts.
 
Old 12-30-2016, 09:48 AM
 
9,151 posts, read 7,214,181 times
Reputation: 13848
I'm the daughter who has estranged herself. And I agree with everything convextech has said also.
 
Old 12-30-2016, 10:48 AM
 
6,573 posts, read 1,355,446 times
Reputation: 16646
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe View Post
I get this on some Yoda level, but at this point I feel like I'm being led by a ring in my nose.

I had a counselor once tell me that however I behave or whatever I put up with - that I'm teaching my daughter that is what she should do when she grows into a woman.

In other words, if I let a man abuse me (for instance), and I put up with that, that I am teaching my daughter that she should do the same.

So, am I now teaching my daughter that a mother should allow her children to treat her like dirt, simply because she is their mother?

Or do I teach her that everyone deserves dignity?
The way I see it is that you are abusing each other -- or at least you are in the mind of the other. Is it truly abuse, though? I think so, although there are MANY kinds of abuse that are MUCH worse than what you (both) are experiencing.

The way I see it is that if someone forces herself on someone who does not want that, that is abuse; and if
someone intentionally hurts another without justifiable reason, that is abuse, too. I also think that if you continue to put yourself in a situation that you know will hurt you, that you are abusing yourself.

Bottom line: I think ALL the abuse should just stop, and in order to do that, I think you need to step back for a while -- probably for at least six months.

Just my opinion, of course.
 
Old 12-30-2016, 02:47 PM
 
4,481 posts, read 4,743,078 times
Reputation: 9940
Quote:
Originally Posted by whocares811 View Post
The way I see it is that you are abusing each other -- or at least you are in the mind of the other. Is it truly abuse, though? I think so, although there are MANY kinds of abuse that are MUCH worse than what you (both) are experiencing.

The way I see it is that if someone forces herself on someone who does not want that, that is abuse; and if
someone intentionally hurts another without justifiable reason, that is abuse, too. I also think that if you continue to put yourself in a situation that you know will hurt you, that you are abusing yourself.

Bottom line: I think ALL the abuse should just stop, and in order to do that, I think you need to step back for a while -- probably for at least six months.

Just my opinion, of course.


Yes, very true.
 
Old 12-30-2016, 03:47 PM
 
676 posts, read 334,119 times
Reputation: 1221
Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech View Post
The way she sees it, is you are invading her space every time you contact her when she has told you not to. When she yells at you or says mean things, isn't it related to you continuing to try to get her to talk?

She doesn't see this as abusing you. YOU see it that way because you are hurt. SHE sees you contacting her as abuse.

The only way you will get her to contact you is by leaving her alone completely, do not contact her for ANY reason. She will get up with you when she is ready. Just do not contact her ever again until SHE contacts you.

You are pushing her further away every time she looks down and sees yet another text or another email or a letter from you.
Agreed. She's not worth the headache. Never mind everything you've done for her, the point is that you emailing her when she's asked you not to is abusive and anything she says or does in response is not abusive because she's the kid and you're the parent and that's how it works. How dare you email her when she has told you not to? You are invading her space....don't you see that? That is a good reason for a child to say mean things to their parent ... clearly.

Now bend over and take it like all good parents are supposed to.
 
Old 12-30-2016, 08:44 PM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
18,094 posts, read 22,960,701 times
Reputation: 35240
Whoa, what a lot of weird channeling going on here. People somehow thinking they know what is in my daughter's head?

My daughter never asked me to stop emailing.

I think there are several people here who have been abused by their parents and are transferring their experiences to me.

At any rate, to the kind people who have posted here, thank you. I'm going to ask that this thread be closed now.
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