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Old 12-25-2016, 12:37 AM
Location: Cochise county, AZ
4,975 posts, read 3,462,838 times
Reputation: 10504


I was on the thread above. I had to quit corresponding with my son due to his mental illness.

It will be a year on January 11th when he died. Natural causes, diabetes & not taking care of it. So many times I wish I'd had an opportunity to talk to him at least one more time.

I did not really have choices as he threatened to kill me & my family. That's what mental illness does.

If it doesn't hurt you, keep sending her cards. If she doesn't respond, so be it.

My greatest regret is that he had sent me a friend request on Facebook before he died but I didn't check until it iwas too late. I've never told anyone that because it hurt too much.

Old 12-25-2016, 02:08 AM
Location: Pennsylvania
16,356 posts, read 10,346,234 times
Reputation: 28521
I disagree with your therapist.

For one thing, by your own admission the continued contact it painful to you. That can't be helpful.

I don't think your contacts will influence when/if you daughter ever wants to rekindle the relationship. If she does, she will. I'd of corse let her know if your address/phone number changes but let it go at that.
Old 12-25-2016, 02:12 AM
6,821 posts, read 3,869,983 times
Reputation: 15540
Originally Posted by Stacey27520 View Post
I am going through the same with my brother. It's heart wrenching for me. I have no idea why there is silence. I want to stop reaching out, but the only reason I keep trying is because it's not in me to be mean and vindictive. It's so upsetting to send a card, text, or a small gift and not hear anything. I keep thinking that it might be easier to just accept his silence and not reach out any longer because it really is painful and upsetting for me to not hear anything once again. I have no answer for you, except you aren't alone and I feel your pain. This year I am trying very hard to breath deep and say a quick prayer for him to have a peaceful Christmas. At least it helps me accept the way things are.
Sibling estrangement is very painful, maybe because they are meant to be the first and longest lasting relationships of our lives.
Old 12-25-2016, 05:05 AM
Location: NC
6,561 posts, read 7,986,401 times
Reputation: 13465
Don't assume that the person either hates you or is repulsed by you. They may feel so unworthy that they have no energy to respond. If you keep sending short letters or even texts you will show that you do find them worthy. And I agree, do not expect or try to get something back. Love should be given freely with no strings attached.
Old 12-25-2016, 07:01 AM
Location: Central NY
4,671 posts, read 3,248,729 times
Reputation: 11956
My daughter was a very difficult teenager. When her father and I divorced, she told me something about him that just about knocked me out. I did what I could to help, but nothing did.

Over the last 35 years I have had rare communication with her. She is 54, still seems to prefer it this way. Took me a long time to accept but eventually I did. It hurt like heck, but trying to change it hurt worse.

My son (53) is on again, off again. Made terrible decisions, ended up in jail, now one big struggle after another.

Do I think about them and miss them? Sure I do. That's normal I think. But some things can't be changed, no matter how we try.
Old 12-25-2016, 07:03 AM
491 posts, read 598,360 times
Reputation: 2095
Originally Posted by PAhippo View Post
I disagree with your therapist.

For one thing, by your own admission the continued contact it painful to you. That can't be helpful.

I don't think your contacts will influence when/if you daughter ever wants to rekindle the relationship. If she does, she will. I'd of corse let her know if your address/phone number changes but let it go at that.
I have to say I agree with this. I think you should do what makes you feel good. Concentrate on taking care of you.

Ihave been estranged from m two brothers since Labor Day and I am not even sure why. A very minor incident occurred, I said something I shouldn't have(but everyone I have told the story to agrees it wasn't a horrible thing) and I apologized. they both became enraged and haven't had anything to do with me since. I retired here specifically to be close to them, my family. The one brother has never liked me, he frequently has said I really don't deserve being part of the family's I think he used this As a opportunity.

Then to complicate matters one of them has a young daughter, whom I am/was close to. I sent her a gift card,hope they give it to her. I wouldn't put it past him to give it to her, but say it was from himself.. and tell her I didn't care about her and didn't bother. I have decided I will keep sending them, who knows what will happen. If nothing else she hopefully gets some fun toys..I did a toy store rather than say target so it couldn't just go to groceries, or worst booze, which I think is a big part of the problem.

I have to keep reminding my self that I will live my life by my values and standards regardless of what is going on around me. I am who I have to live with guaranteed for the rest of my life.

ONe thing, I had a mouse ��invasion that I noticed on Friday, which has kept me somewhat distracted, ��so even mice can have an upside, plus I have plenty of things to clean to keep me busy today. �� My Christmas present was no mice in traps this morning, the best Christmas present ever, haha.��

Hugs to you. It is a heartache and I hope it improves as time goes on.
Old 12-25-2016, 07:22 AM
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,982,141 times
Reputation: 15649
One thing to consider is that an estranged son or daughter may feel ashamed of his or her life (for any reason) and because of that decides to live in the shadows, spurning anyone who knows him or her best. It may not at all be a direct statement to the parent. The adult kid may figure s/he has nothing to contribute to family life, so why try. As someone else suggested, there could be some kind of problem such as drugs, which the adult kid may feel messed up about.

In these situations cards and texts can be a one-way shot in the dark, with no reply. As an experiment, let son or daughter know you'll be at XYZ place for breakfast or lunch (get there by any means possible) on a certain day and time, and you'd love for him or her to be there. I'd bet there's at least a 50-50 chance he or she will show up. If they don't, then you know you've done everything a parent can do so snip the golden thread and let them fly.
Old 12-25-2016, 07:35 AM
258 posts, read 118,949 times
Reputation: 505
I understand how painful this is for you. I can relate. I have a son who lives 900 miles away and haven't seen him in 15 yrs. He is 52 yrs old and lives with a woman I barely know. They will not come for a visit so I no longer ask them. They do not invite us there. They keep to themselves, and that's OK with me. I have learned to let go. Just because we are their mothers doesn't mean we mean anything to them. They don't really owe us anything. And no, he and I had no falling out. After I left NY he just gradually drifted away over the years. I also learned he doesn't keep in contact with anyone else in the family. Such is life............
Old 12-25-2016, 11:07 AM
2,461 posts, read 2,103,785 times
Reputation: 3600
Very sorry to read all the varying situations- each one is of course different but still sad no matter what. We have a situation with DH and DD1 being pretty much estranged ( I do have contact and visit) -she lives on one coast we are on the other. With DD2 DH is ok but pretty strained. I am at my wits end because no matter what this is heartbreaking.
I perpetually hope things will improve and from time to time they do by baby steps but I just don't think it should be this hard.
My thoughts and prayers are with each of you. I hope everyone has the strength to deal with it and I really hope there is resolution and improvement because it just should not be like this. in my opinion of course.
I dont know what hurt others have had, but I think I would lean towards always trying to reach out in some samll way. I find even when we can't necessarily converse freely or nicely, a text or email reminding them that I love them seems to be well received and I know for certain that I feel better doing it.
Old 12-25-2016, 12:03 PM
Location: Chicago area
14,406 posts, read 7,929,570 times
Reputation: 53535
It's unfortunate that even shared biology doesn't always guarantee an immediate pathway to be able to relate. The shoe is on the other foot with me. My mother made no attempt to have me be a part of her life when I drifted away. We just had nothing in common and just couldn't relate. There was no love between us.

I'm sorry you're suffering because of this NoMoreSnow, but I don't think beating a dead horse is a good way to deal with it. There is nothing you can do or say to change a closed mind. All you can do at this point is let it go and find a way to make yourself happy in a different direction. Why keep torturing yourself?

I felt like an orphan for many years in my 20's but I made my own family, though not through biology. It didn't take me very long to not miss having her in my life, she really wasn't a big part of it long before I moved out. It's unfortunate but your daughter may feel the same about you. I hope you find a way to make peace with it and it stops hurting you.
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