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Old 12-25-2016, 12:33 PM
 
4,346 posts, read 6,061,197 times
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We went through this for a few years with an adult son and it took the death of his grandmother to bring him around. Be patient. Whatever you send to your daughter, send it expecting nothing back and send with a loving heart. You can't go wrong if you do whatever you do from love.

 
Old 12-25-2016, 12:36 PM
 
Location: Central Massachusetts
4,800 posts, read 4,851,516 times
Reputation: 6379
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe View Post
What does that make us? Adult children with their own narcissistic Adult Children? Like a new 12 step group?

My daughter doesn't speak to me 99% of the time now. We haven't spoken in person or even on the phone now for about 3 years. My counselor suggested I keep sending her cards and texts, letting her know I miss her, etc. She said if I stop doing this, then there would be absolutely no chance of our relationship ever having a chance in the future.

But, honestly, it's torture. I texted my daughter on Thanksgiving wishing her a nice day, and shock of shocks she actually texted me back saying happy Thanksgiving.

So, I sent her a card and small gift for X-mas. I'm afraid to send her anything big or expensive, never knowing if it will just be thrown away. I could see by the tracking info that it was delivered, but I haven't heard anything from my daughter. Checked my mail today, and no card from her, and no response to my text asking if she got my gift.

Honestly, I think it's more torture to keep humiliating myself, basically begging for crumbs from her at this point. Is it time to just give up and save my last shred of dignity?

Anyone else dealing with kids not speaking to them? Did you just stop trying? Do you feel better or worse for doing so?
I feel your pain. This is my first year ever (not counting the year I was in Iraq) that I missed Christmas and Thanksgiving with my daughter. She and I have not been able to talk since the election. Not on my part but she was heart broken about Hillary losing. I knew it was going to happen and told her not to put too much emotion into it. She took that as me supporting the other guy. So I guess I know exactly how it feels but at least I still have some communication with her through the wife. It hurts deep.
 
Old 12-25-2016, 01:59 PM
 
94 posts, read 50,711 times
Reputation: 97
Shoulda been nicer to me when I was still young, Pops.

Now, it may or may not go like the movie Rainman.

All up to you, fake "Military Dad."

Not my problem.
 
Old 12-25-2016, 02:53 PM
 
Location: Idaho
4,629 posts, read 4,473,076 times
Reputation: 9060
It is sad when children and their parents do not communicate. I am there too. It is a 'heart-breaker', but I refuse to let it ruin my life. It's an awesome world out there just waiting to be discovered.

.
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Old 12-25-2016, 03:14 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,610 posts, read 17,589,896 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RiverBird View Post
One thing to consider is that an estranged son or daughter may feel ashamed of his or her life (for any reason) and because of that decides to live in the shadows, spurning anyone who knows him or her best. It may not at all be a direct statement to the parent. The adult kid may figure s/he has nothing to contribute to family life, so why try. As someone else suggested, there could be some kind of problem such as drugs, which the adult kid may feel messed up about.

In these situations cards and texts can be a one-way shot in the dark, with no reply. As an experiment, let son or daughter know you'll be at XYZ place for breakfast or lunch (get there by any means possible) on a certain day and time, and you'd love for him or her to be there. I'd bet there's at least a 50-50 chance he or she will show up. If they don't, then you know you've done everything a parent can do so snip the golden thread and let them fly.
Very true. A lot of times the party who brought the "shame" will simply not communicate. It's easier to just ignore the issue than try to fix things.
 
Old 12-25-2016, 03:45 PM
 
Location: Planet Woof
3,139 posts, read 3,511,151 times
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NMS, so sorry for your pain. It is certainly your daughter's loss, whether she will ever know it or not. I have a similar situation with a sister who lives 2 hours away and I finally quit reaching out to her in any way be it mail, email, text, phone call, etc. The constant rejection felt humiliating to me too, so I just stopped for my own peace of mind and as part of self care. I was tired of trying to force a relationship where there probably would never be one again. Better to put my energy toward other people and letting this one go. So I did and it was hard to let go, but harder to keep feeling ignored.
 
Old 12-25-2016, 04:41 PM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
18,121 posts, read 22,989,204 times
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Thank you so much to everyone for your responses.

As far as there being previous older threads - I know. I just wanted some personal responses, to connect to others for myself.

After drinking too much wine last night - a really nice Riesling I splurged on lol - watching a movie and going to bed to cry myself to sleep - I woke up and heard my phone ding. I had several text messages. One was from my daughter that she actually sent last night (but I didn't hear my phone ding) saying she'd just opened up the gift I sent her, thank you, and merry christmas.

That was it. Just a few words and an emoticon of a snowman.

But, no card no phone call, no email, no gift. I guess it's something, but it's just too much work. I was almost disappointed to get it. I know some will think that's awful, but this is just so exhausting. Begging for crumbs.

The next "event" will be my birthday in March. I guess I'll see if she puts out any effort. Otherwise, her birthday isn't until August after that.

Who knows what's going on with her. She's not saying. I'm tired of guessing.

So, at least I know she's alive.

And for anyone wondering, I have not peppered her with contact attempts. It's just been an email or text or a card here and there. Maybe 6 times a year.

The last year or so we were still in touch, she was so critical of me all of the time. It had become much less fun to be around her anyway. She's the only person on the planet who makes me feel completely inept.

I guess I miss the years before that, when we were close and talked often and she actually asked me for my advice, etc.

Thanks for being there, my city-data buds. It helps to be able to reach out to you - even if we all have fake names LOL.
 
Old 12-25-2016, 05:46 PM
 
Location: Central NY
4,676 posts, read 3,250,875 times
Reputation: 11982
NoMoreSnowForMe: "But, no card no phone call, no email, no gift. I guess it's something, but it's just too much work. I was almost disappointed to get it. I know some will think that's awful, but this is just so exhausting. Begging for crumbs."

I do not think it is awful. I've been there. You get something from your child, it stirs hope in your heart, you tell yourself things are OK now, but in my own experience, they never were.

My advice?? Take the focus off what was and think about what is. Build on what you have, not on what you wish would happen.
 
Old 12-25-2016, 05:48 PM
 
4,346 posts, read 6,061,197 times
Reputation: 10443
Accept the crumbs. I know it's not much but at least it's a going forward. Perhaps text her back, "I didn't see your text until now. Hoping to hear your voice when you're ready." and however you sign off. Keep it rolling without asking for anything or making it about yourself. I found that when I asked about his dog that I'd get a warm response. It will get rebuilt but it's foundation will be the little things. Keep it simple.
 
Old 12-25-2016, 06:47 PM
 
Location: Central Massachusetts
4,800 posts, read 4,851,516 times
Reputation: 6379
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe View Post
Thank you so much to everyone for your responses.

As far as there being previous older threads - I know. I just wanted some personal responses, to connect to others for myself.

After drinking too much wine last night - a really nice Riesling I splurged on lol - watching a movie and going to bed to cry myself to sleep - I woke up and heard my phone ding. I had several text messages. One was from my daughter that she actually sent last night (but I didn't hear my phone ding) saying she'd just opened up the gift I sent her, thank you, and merry christmas.

That was it. Just a few words and an emoticon of a snowman.

But, no card no phone call, no email, no gift. I guess it's something, but it's just too much work. I was almost disappointed to get it. I know some will think that's awful, but this is just so exhausting. Begging for crumbs.

The next "event" will be my birthday in March. I guess I'll see if she puts out any effort. Otherwise, her birthday isn't until August after that.

Who knows what's going on with her. She's not saying. I'm tired of guessing.

So, at least I know she's alive.

And for anyone wondering, I have not peppered her with contact attempts. It's just been an email or text or a card here and there. Maybe 6 times a year.

The last year or so we were still in touch, she was so critical of me all of the time. It had become much less fun to be around her anyway. She's the only person on the planet who makes me feel completely inept.

I guess I miss the years before that, when we were close and talked often and she actually asked me for my advice, etc.

Thanks for being there, my city-data buds. It helps to be able to reach out to you - even if we all have fake names LOL.

it is a start. There is always hope. Never give up. I don't plan on it. My daughter and I had a very close relationship. She is my little girl and always will. All she would need do is call with a problem and I will be there for her. I will never change or stop. You should not either.

You are doing it right. Just enough contact to keep the door open but not enough to sound desperate even though you are in a way.

I really want to tell anyone who has cut ties with siblings or parents or children if you can bury the hatchet you should. If there was abuse I can see it and understand the cut but if it is just a misunderstanding or some other thing that is something to overcome. Have a heart and listen to your heart. Listen to the sound of what is missing.
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