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Old 12-25-2016, 06:49 PM
 
4,477 posts, read 4,737,152 times
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First, I'd like to know how and why you are calling your daughter a narcissist? Then I would ask you if you are truly sure she is a narcissist then are you aware of just how a person becomes a narcissist? That might be rather enlightening for you.


Also, from your above statement about her texting you a "thank you and merry Christmas" But then you went on to list all she didn't do for you, no this, no that... you are begging for crumbs. (sounds a bit dramatic, no?) So, she is damned if she does or doesn't. Seeming to me she can't win no matter what.


How long have you been seeing your present therapist? Maybe it is time for a fresh pair of eyes and ears??? Just some thoughts.


There is estrangement in my family with several people, the reasons, after time, are quite clear, whether they are reasons anyone thinks are reasonable or not, they just are. I never believe it when someone "just don't know the reason she/he isn't talking to me". It takes some introspection. which can be uncomfortable.

 
Old 12-25-2016, 07:22 PM
 
Location: Central NY
4,651 posts, read 3,235,973 times
Reputation: 11907
Quote:
Originally Posted by golfingduo View Post
it is a start. There is always hope. Never give up. I don't plan on it. My daughter and I had a very close relationship. She is my little girl and always will. All she would need do is call with a problem and I will be there for her. I will never change or stop. You should not either.

You are doing it right. Just enough contact to keep the door open but not enough to sound desperate even though you are in a way.

I really want to tell anyone who has cut ties with siblings or parents or children if you can bury the hatchet you should. If there was abuse I can see it and understand the cut but if it is just a misunderstanding or some other thing that is something to overcome. Have a heart and listen to your heart. Listen to the sound of what is missing.


Have you considered it is not "us" who have the hatchet in hand? Perhaps it is the other way around?

How about those of us who have been going through this for 30+ years? And just have nothing left to give or hope for? I've made attempts.
 
Old 12-25-2016, 07:35 PM
 
Location: Planet Woof
3,139 posts, read 3,504,154 times
Reputation: 9889
Me? I'd back off completely. Quit blaming yourself for her behavior. You have bent over backwards to reach out, be kind, interested, supportive, loving, etc..
Maybe by backing off she will quit taking your availability for granted and start connecting with you on her own initiative, rather than minimally responding to your connecting to her.
Worth a try, IMO. And you need a rest from fretting over all this, quite frankly. Give yourself a break!
 
Old 12-25-2016, 07:50 PM
 
Location: Central Massachusetts
4,800 posts, read 4,842,106 times
Reputation: 6377
Quote:
Originally Posted by NYgal1542 View Post
[/b]

Have you considered it is not "us" who have the hatchet in hand? Perhaps it is the other way around?

How about those of us who have been going through this for 30+ years? And just have nothing left to give or hope for? I've made attempts.
I agree it could be us. I do not want to sound like everything can come out rosy. I do want to say that when there is hope there is hope. I would never stop trying with my daughter. Yes different circumstances but.... On the other hand I do not blame my sister for cutting ties to our father. A whole other issue.
 
Old 12-25-2016, 08:34 PM
 
13,158 posts, read 20,772,581 times
Reputation: 35402
Quote:
Originally Posted by seeriously View Post
We went through this for a few years with an adult son and it took the death of his grandmother to bring him around. Be patient. Whatever you send to your daughter, send it expecting nothing back and send with a loving heart. You can't go wrong if you do whatever you do from love.
I honestly believe this is the way to go. Never close the door, and never stop letting her know you love her and miss her. One of our sons has been in and out of our lives since he married a beautiful girl with a black heart. We've tried to be part of their lives, but some of the things she has said have been truly inexcusable.
And he doesn't have the wherewithall to stand up to her, unfortunately.

We don't call or text anymore, but we remember his birthday, with a card. And sometimes, he reaches out, like today.

It's different, and easier for us, because we have other children who are still very present in our lives, and we have each other. But I do think one of these days he'll realize what he has given up by his inability to stand up. So, we wait, but have moved on with our lives in the meantime.
 
Old 12-25-2016, 10:23 PM
 
Location: too far from the sea
19,821 posts, read 18,826,487 times
Reputation: 33710
NMSFM, I'm glad you got a crumb at least. I still say, as some others have said--just send a card at Christmas and her birthday and don't expect anything back. Then, if she ever does change her mind, the door is open. But try (hard as it is) to not think about it the rest of the time. Put her out of your life except for those two days when you send the cards. She may come back, she may never come back. But if you can bear the pain of sending a card twice a year, you are keeping the flame alive. Do not go groveling though. Whatever her strange reason may be, being too pushy will probably just make it worse. Practice keeping her out of your life except for sending those little cards.
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Old 12-25-2016, 10:32 PM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
18,081 posts, read 22,914,959 times
Reputation: 35192
Quote:
Originally Posted by in_newengland View Post
NMSFM, I'm glad you got a crumb at least. I still say, as some others have said--just send a card at Christmas and her birthday and don't expect anything back. Then, if she ever does change her mind, the door is open. But try (hard as it is) to not think about it the rest of the time. Put her out of your life except for those two days when you send the cards. She may come back, she may never come back. But if you can bear the pain of sending a card twice a year, you are keeping the flame alive. Do not go groveling though. Whatever her strange reason may be, being too pushy will probably just make it worse. Practice keeping her out of your life except for sending those little cards.
This is perfect. Thank you.

Last year, the gift I sent her for X-mas came back. She never claimed it and it was finally returned. Broke my heart.

So, this year, I just bought something for $5 , although it was really nice - a hand-painted oyster shell ornament by a local artist. So, if she threw it away, it only cost me $5 plus shipping, but if she actually opened it up, it was a nice little gift.

But, yeah, it's just too painful to keep trying. I think a card for her birthday and X-mas is all that is warranted, at best, going forward.

Thank you for your kind and insightful post.
 
Old 12-25-2016, 10:35 PM
 
Location: Idaho
1,451 posts, read 1,152,796 times
Reputation: 5472
NMSFM,

I think texting is the preferred method of communication of younger folks. I think us older folks just have to accept this is the way to communicate with them.

Look on the bright side, your daughter did acknowledge receiving the Christmas card and gift & she did try to communicate with you more than once. I think that you had texted her right back, there would definitely be a lot more 'conversation' between the two of you through this method of communication.
 
Old 12-25-2016, 10:35 PM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
18,081 posts, read 22,914,959 times
Reputation: 35192
Quote:
Originally Posted by FeelinLow View Post
Me? I'd back off completely. Quit blaming yourself for her behavior. You have bent over backwards to reach out, be kind, interested, supportive, loving, etc..
Maybe by backing off she will quit taking your availability for granted and start connecting with you on her own initiative, rather than minimally responding to your connecting to her.
Worth a try, IMO. And you need a rest from fretting over all this, quite frankly. Give yourself a break!
I couldn't rep you again. Thank you for this.

I agree that once a person becomes an adult, they need to take responsibility - that not everyone, including your parents, will put up with being ignored, and yet continue to send gifts and cards and beg for your attention, etc.
 
Old 12-25-2016, 10:47 PM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
18,081 posts, read 22,914,959 times
Reputation: 35192
Quote:
Originally Posted by brava4 View Post
First, I'd like to know how and why you are calling your daughter a narcissist? Then I would ask you if you are truly sure she is a narcissist then are you aware of just how a person becomes a narcissist? That might be rather enlightening for you.


Also, from your above statement about her texting you a "thank you and merry Christmas" But then you went on to list all she didn't do for you, no this, no that... you are begging for crumbs. (sounds a bit dramatic, no?) So, she is damned if she does or doesn't. Seeming to me she can't win no matter what.


How long have you been seeing your present therapist? Maybe it is time for a fresh pair of eyes and ears??? Just some thoughts.


There is estrangement in my family with several people, the reasons, after time, are quite clear, whether they are reasons anyone thinks are reasonable or not, they just are. I never believe it when someone "just don't know the reason she/he isn't talking to me". It takes some introspection. which can be uncomfortable.
You make some very good points.

I think part of the problem is that my daughter is the child of divorced parents. And that many children of divorced parents get spoiled by one or the other or both parents. That they grow up with an incorrect view of things. When parents are constantly trying to basically buy the child's loyalty by giving them things, etc., it skews the child's perception of ...how do I put it...give and take? Their true worth? That they are so important, that no matter their behavior, people will clamor for their attention and loyalty?

I don't know how to express it well in words, but people who have either had children they've fought over in divorce custody battles, or who have been such children, probably have a clue as to how those kids can be basically taught that they have a lot of power over their parents, at least. And that this "power" is not something earned or humble, etc.

And as far as what she did for me... we're talking about a 38 year old woman. Now, forgetting for a minute that this woman is my daughter... if I told you that a friend of mine didn't send me a X-mas card, nor called me or texted me or sent me a gift...would you think it was completely wonderful that ...after I texted her asking her if she got my gift to her...that she texted me back that, yeah, she got my gift and merry christmas....that that was someone who had behaved generously and deserved my continued showering of gifts and attention?

Seriously. Think about that. Would you be okay with that if she was a friend of yours? An equal?

If I told you this story as a friend about a friend who treated me this way, would you tell me that I should keep sending her gifts and cards, etc.?

I doubt it.

And would you also think that this person was seriously self-centered?

Well, that's the definition of narcissistic. Being self-centered. From my understanding. So, that's why I say my daughter is such.
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