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Old 12-25-2016, 10:48 PM
 
5,466 posts, read 2,352,417 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brava4 View Post
First, I'd like to know how and why you are calling your daughter a narcissist? Then I would ask you if you are truly sure she is a narcissist then are you aware of just how a person becomes a narcissist? That might be rather enlightening for you.


Also, from your above statement about her texting you a "thank you and merry Christmas" But then you went on to list all she didn't do for you, no this, no that... you are begging for crumbs. (sounds a bit dramatic, no?) So, she is damned if she does or doesn't. Seeming to me she can't win no matter what.


How long have you been seeing your present therapist? Maybe it is time for a fresh pair of eyes and ears??? Just some thoughts.


There is estrangement in my family with several people, the reasons, after time, are quite clear, whether they are reasons anyone thinks are reasonable or not, they just are. I never believe it when someone "just don't know the reason she/he isn't talking to me". It takes some introspection. which can be uncomfortable.
Agree.

Most dont just go no contact for absolutely no reason.

There is a reason yet some choose not to believe that, come up with 101 excuses & then to boot, blame the kid.

 
Old 12-25-2016, 10:59 PM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
18,121 posts, read 22,989,204 times
Reputation: 35310
Quote:
Originally Posted by LLCNYC View Post
Agree.

Most dont just go no contact for absolutely no reason.

There is a reason yet some choose not to believe that & then to boot, blame the kid.
This is kind of funny, actually. It's understandable, though. It's so much easier to believe that I must have done something to make my daughter not want to talk to me.

You know what I did? I was managing my daughter's rental property. She was going to the beach on weekends with her friends. There was a major problem with her tenants and I went to deal with them. I succeeded in getting her tenants to sign a document agreeing not to sue my daughter.

I took myself out to eat afterwards and called my daughter to tell her I'd succeeded. I was so proud of myself.

Well, she didn't answer the phone. She didn't answer my texts. I ate breakfast by myself.

Finally, my daughter texted me as I was driving back home (hour drive to and from her property to deal with her tenants), saying she was getting ready for a date and she'd call me next week.

Why wasn't my daughter driving to deal with her own tenants? Why didn't I insist she go with me?

I got angry with her and swore at her in a text about how self-centered she was being, basically.

She responded, didn't I want her to find a nice man? Isn't a mother's love supposed to be unconditional? In other words, I should be driving an hour away to deal with her business while she paints her nails, and if I dare complain or find this a tad off, then I must be a horrible mother who doesn't love her.

This is why she stopped talking to me. Because I dared to get angry about this scenario.

And here I am, still begging for her to accept my gifts.

Jeez, just writing this makes me realize I just need to let it go. It's really a mess of my own making. It's amazing the guilt some of us carry over divorce and how we train our kids to think it's okay to treat us like crap.
 
Old 12-26-2016, 12:28 AM
 
Location: Planet Woof
3,139 posts, read 3,511,151 times
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Sounds like ''38 is the new 18''. I hope you can find some peace in letting go, OP. She needs to grow up and forgive and forget, if that is the root of her attitude. We can't make people change, but we can change how we respond to their behaviors.
 
Old 12-26-2016, 01:28 AM
 
Location: Forest bathing
1,630 posts, read 967,833 times
Reputation: 3804
Is there a reason for the lack of contact? A misunderstanding? Harsh words?

I was the red-headed step kid. My stepfather beat me and my mother did nothing to stop it. They had two kids and he had two from his first marriage. I was always the odd one out. The oldest stepsister wiggled her way into my mom's good graces. For example, for my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary she and my mom played hostesses. Her husband molested me but I guess that didn't matter.

There were other slights over the years. The last conversation with her reduced me to sobbing in my husbands arms. She said that I was the reason we are no longer a family, that whatever money my dad gave me (not much) should go to her husband and that the abuse never happened.

After 28 years, I had to be the adult and contacted her. She still says that because I was "mouthy" I deserved the beatings. She had 3 kids, none of us were wanted and she told us so. I say nothing and try to talk about what we have in common. It was very difficult to make that move. Her husband died 20 years ago so thankfully he is no longer here. She said she wrote me a letter after he died but didn't send it.

I have returned to therapy. My counselor and I are working on strategies for my anxieties and depression. There are several questions she wants me to ask my mom: how did she feel when he beat me and did he beat her? I don't know if I am ready to ask those.

Your daughter is only doing what she feels comfortable doing now. I wouldn't push. She may not be ready. You may have to ask yourself some hard questions about the "whys" and "how's". I wish my mother would have sent that letter. It would have made all the difference. I commend you for trying. You seem to be making progress. Good luck.
 
Old 12-26-2016, 01:41 AM
 
Location: Ohio
5,626 posts, read 5,075,120 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by clikrf8 View Post
how did she feel when he beat me and did he beat her?
She probably felt bad and that if she got involved he would beat her or beat her worse or one of your siblings. She may have felt like she had no choice.

I would hope those are her answers... ( HUGS)

-----------------------
OP, As many times that i want to just walk away from my mom ( and lately my dad), i keep getting pulled back in and it stinks.
 
Old 12-26-2016, 04:18 AM
 
5,163 posts, read 2,783,207 times
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I kept a piece of paper on my fridge for years and lived by & continue to live by the words on it...it was the fortune from a fortune cookie after a meal at a Chinese restaurant. This is what it said:

Expect nothing and you will never be disappointed.

I suggest that you write this down & place it somewhere that you will see it, read it, and be reminded of it several times a day...and then live it.
 
Old 12-26-2016, 04:23 AM
 
663 posts, read 317,447 times
Reputation: 1401
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe View Post
What does that make us? Adult children with their own narcissistic Adult Children? Like a new 12 step group?

My daughter doesn't speak to me 99% of the time now. We haven't spoken in person or even on the phone now for about 3 years. My counselor suggested I keep sending her cards and texts, letting her know I miss her, etc. She said if I stop doing this, then there would be absolutely no chance of our relationship ever having a chance in the future.

But, honestly, it's torture. I texted my daughter on Thanksgiving wishing her a nice day, and shock of shocks she actually texted me back saying happy Thanksgiving.

So, I sent her a card and small gift for X-mas. I'm afraid to send her anything big or expensive, never knowing if it will just be thrown away. I could see by the tracking info that it was delivered, but I haven't heard anything from my daughter. Checked my mail today, and no card from her, and no response to my text asking if she got my gift.

Honestly, I think it's more torture to keep humiliating myself, basically begging for crumbs from her at this point. Is it time to just give up and save my last shred of dignity?

Anyone else dealing with kids not speaking to them? Did you just stop trying? Do you feel better or worse for doing so?
Why are putting yourself through this? Your therapist sucks. I don't waste time on people who are not interested in being in my life. Family or not.
Mae
 
Old 12-26-2016, 05:35 AM
 
Location: Asheville NC
1,606 posts, read 1,314,873 times
Reputation: 4185
Default Not sure this is the same

Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post
Don't know if this qualifies, but my mother hand wrote a note in a Christmas card to my cousin, who is a little younger than me and a serial and simultaneous philanderer, letting him know he needs to come home to his wife.

He doesn't speak to my aunt any longer. She's heartbroken - after my cousin cheated on his wife, he basically dropped the family, including his four year old son. He was a deputy (doesn't make much around here), but tried to join the Tennessee Highway Patrol. He failed out of that, and is now working as a jailer for about ten bucks an hour.

He has been cut out of my aunt's will. Anything that went to him now goes to me. It's hard on her, especially this time of year, but there is absolutely nothing she can do.
If he is your Aunt's son, I would think everything would go to her grandson. This estrangement sounds fairly recent. Though the cousin clearly messed up--your mother sending a note, (telling him what he should do-not reaching out to reconcile), has no bearing on any estrangement from your aunt. Your aunt is initiating an estrangement by cutting her son out of her will.
 
Old 12-26-2016, 06:03 AM
 
Location: S.W. Florida
2,216 posts, read 935,111 times
Reputation: 6242
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe View Post
What does that make us? Adult children with their own narcissistic Adult Children? Like a new 12 step group?

My daughter doesn't speak to me 99% of the time now. We haven't spoken in person or even on the phone now for about 3 years. My counselor suggested I keep sending her cards and texts, letting her know I miss her, etc. She said if I stop doing this, then there would be absolutely no chance of our relationship ever having a chance in the future.

But, honestly, it's torture. I texted my daughter on Thanksgiving wishing her a nice day, and shock of shocks she actually texted me back saying happy Thanksgiving.

So, I sent her a card and small gift for X-mas. I'm afraid to send her anything big or expensive, never knowing if it will just be thrown away. I could see by the tracking info that it was delivered, but I haven't heard anything from my daughter. Checked my mail today, and no card from her, and no response to my text asking if she got my gift.

Honestly, I think it's more torture to keep humiliating myself, basically begging for crumbs from her at this point. Is it time to just give up and save my last shred of dignity?

Anyone else dealing with kids not speaking to them? Did you just stop trying? Do you feel better or worse for doing so?
Thank you for posting this NMSFM. As sad as it is,I cannot tell you how relieved I am that I am not the only parent on this planet that is dealing with this. I have three grown children who want nothing to do with me as well.

Like you,I have begged,apologized for things I didn't do,and grovelled in order to get them to come around at least for Christmas. All to no avail. I have 5-7(I honestly don't know how many)grandchildren that I never get to enjoy. Up until just a few years ago my wife(step mom to them) would dutifully go out and buy them toys for Christmas,only to have them remain unopened on Christmas. After a few years of that humiliation I decided enough was enough and we stopped buying for them.

I sent my son a Merry Christmas email this year and got no response once again. I have decided that as they have obviously moved on from me,to keep from falling into a pit of depression at this time of the year I will not try to contact them again. I have to do what I have to do to,simple as that.

In all honesty I consider this the great failure of my life,yet I know that I cannot make someone love me,even if they are my own flesh and blood. I would not wish this on anyone else because it has caused me untold grief and heart break.

My advice to you OP is this: if you've done all you can do and then some,it's time to hold your head up and start living for YOU. Sometimes that means you must leave others behind,as sad and as difficult as that may be.
 
Old 12-26-2016, 06:18 AM
 
6,323 posts, read 5,064,142 times
Reputation: 12848
Does she speak to her father?
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