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Old 12-24-2016, 09:44 PM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
18,081 posts, read 22,914,959 times
Reputation: 35196

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What does that make us? Adult children with their own narcissistic Adult Children? Like a new 12 step group?

My daughter doesn't speak to me 99% of the time now. We haven't spoken in person or even on the phone now for about 3 years. My counselor suggested I keep sending her cards and texts, letting her know I miss her, etc. She said if I stop doing this, then there would be absolutely no chance of our relationship ever having a chance in the future.

But, honestly, it's torture. I texted my daughter on Thanksgiving wishing her a nice day, and shock of shocks she actually texted me back saying happy Thanksgiving.

So, I sent her a card and small gift for X-mas. I'm afraid to send her anything big or expensive, never knowing if it will just be thrown away. I could see by the tracking info that it was delivered, but I haven't heard anything from my daughter. Checked my mail today, and no card from her, and no response to my text asking if she got my gift.

Honestly, I think it's more torture to keep humiliating myself, basically begging for crumbs from her at this point. Is it time to just give up and save my last shred of dignity?

Anyone else dealing with kids not speaking to them? Did you just stop trying? Do you feel better or worse for doing so?

 
Old 12-24-2016, 10:09 PM
 
442 posts, read 280,788 times
Reputation: 2904
Hi no more snow, just wanted to say I'm sorry for the pain you're going through.

I have one suggestion, but it might be very hard to do. And I say this with the utmost compassion. Try sending her gifts or texts or letters with no follow up. No registered delivery, no texts asking if she received the gift, no letters followed by questions as to whether she got your letter. My guess is she is suspicious that a gift is a way to get into her life. And of course that's what someone who loves a daughter ultimately us hoping for, but that might be too much for your daughter to handle right now, based on her skittishness. My thought is that if your actions make it clear that a gift is only a gift, a letter is only a letter, with no response required or even expected, that those might be the only terms under which she will start to respond. And please don't think I'm suggesting your attempts to reach out come with strings attached. I'm sure they come from nothing but a heart yearning for your daughter. I'm just thinking that if your daughter is this suspicious and paranoid, you need to be absolutely convincing that your small mild gesture isn't going to turn into a deluge should she respond.

Not just a light hand on the reins, but no hand whatsoever.

And ultimately only you know what you can bear, in terms of sending messages into the void. Hoping you find a way to your own internal peace, my dear!
 
Old 12-24-2016, 10:28 PM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
18,081 posts, read 22,914,959 times
Reputation: 35196
Quote:
Originally Posted by BeaverIslandRetired View Post
Hi no more snow, just wanted to say I'm sorry for the pain you're going through.

I have one suggestion, but it might be very hard to do. And I say this with the utmost compassion. Try sending her gifts or texts or letters with no follow up. No registered delivery, no texts asking if she received the gift, no letters followed by questions as to whether she got your letter. My guess is she is suspicious that a gift is a way to get into her life. And of course that's what someone who loves a daughter ultimately us hoping for, but that might be too much for your daughter to handle right now, based on her skittishness. My thought is that if your actions make it clear that a gift is only a gift, a letter is only a letter, with no response required or even expected, that those might be the only terms under which she will start to respond. And please don't think I'm suggesting your attempts to reach out come with strings attached. I'm sure they come from nothing but a heart yearning for your daughter. I'm just thinking that if your daughter is this suspicious and paranoid, you need to be absolutely convincing that your small mild gesture isn't going to turn into a deluge should she respond.

Not just a light hand on the reins, but no hand whatsoever.

And ultimately only you know what you can bear, in terms of sending messages into the void. Hoping you find a way to your own internal peace, my dear!
I kind of see what you're saying. But, really, what's the point in sending gifts and cards into the void? Of course, I'm sending them hoping to rebuild a relationship.

This is kind of like advice on learning how to beg in the "right" way.

I guess I'm ready to give up. It's just so humiliating.
 
Old 12-24-2016, 10:40 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,726,438 times
Reputation: 32304
NoMoreSnow, if you want more reading on this topic, there is a long thread (over 1,100 posts) entitled "Retirees who are estranged from their adult children" which you can find with the search function. I can't remember whether you participated in this thread (and I'm not going to skim through that many posts to find out).

So sorry about the situation you are in. I don't know tha right way to handle it.
 
Old 12-24-2016, 10:49 PM
 
5,424 posts, read 3,442,945 times
Reputation: 13678
Retirees who are estranged from their adult children - thread
Retirees who are estranged from their adult children
 
Old 12-24-2016, 10:57 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,541 posts, read 17,525,434 times
Reputation: 27576
Don't know if this qualifies, but my mother hand wrote a note in a Christmas card to my cousin, who is a little younger than me and a serial and simultaneous philanderer, letting him know he needs to come home to his wife.

He doesn't speak to my aunt any longer. She's heartbroken - after my cousin cheated on his wife, he basically dropped the family, including his four year old son. He was a deputy (doesn't make much around here), but tried to join the Tennessee Highway Patrol. He failed out of that, and is now working as a jailer for about ten bucks an hour.

He has been cut out of my aunt's will. Anything that went to him now goes to me. It's hard on her, especially this time of year, but there is absolutely nothing she can do.
 
Old 12-24-2016, 11:21 PM
 
6,744 posts, read 3,854,200 times
Reputation: 15441
I have never gone through this and I'm sorry you are. I think it would be hard to just totally give up though, especially since she acknowledged you at TG. I probably wouldn't make contact very often though, for fear that it would make things worse. Birthday, TG, Xmas, and maybe once or twice more would probably be my limit throughout the year.

My best friend is going through it with her only daughter because the son in law is a controller who doesn't want them to have a relationship. My friend has GENTLY persisted though, and after several years, they now see each other at least an hour or so on Xmas and Bdays and they do exchange gifts. They also email occasionally, though the daughter is guarded. Very sad.

My sister and I were estranged (her doing) for years, and she never responded to my attempts to communicate. When she was ill and dying, however, she called me and apologized for "being so mean". Sadly rather late.

I wish you the best and hope 2017 will bring a change.
 
Old 12-24-2016, 11:29 PM
 
Location: too far from the sea
19,824 posts, read 18,832,665 times
Reputation: 33716
I'm only on my phone but I wanted to say how sorry I am. It really must hurt. I've known several in the same situation. Mostly drug related. All tried. Most gave up due to the pain.
Both of my dh's kids turned away but his son has come back. You might just send her a card and expect nothing back. Little effort but she would know you care. But I don't know.
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Old 12-24-2016, 11:45 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
478 posts, read 300,162 times
Reputation: 1697
I am going through the same with my brother. It's heart wrenching for me. I have no idea why there is silence. I want to stop reaching out, but the only reason I keep trying is because it's not in me to be mean and vindictive. It's so upsetting to send a card, text, or a small gift and not hear anything. I keep thinking that it might be easier to just accept his silence and not reach out any longer because it really is painful and upsetting for me to not hear anything once again. I have no answer for you, except you aren't alone and I feel your pain. This year I am trying very hard to breath deep and say a quick prayer for him to have a peaceful Christmas. At least it helps me accept the way things are.
 
Old 12-25-2016, 12:24 AM
 
676 posts, read 333,329 times
Reputation: 1221
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe View Post
What does that make us? Adult children with their own narcissistic Adult Children? Like a new 12 step group?

My daughter doesn't speak to me 99% of the time now. We haven't spoken in person or even on the phone now for about 3 years. My counselor suggested I keep sending her cards and texts, letting her know I miss her, etc. She said if I stop doing this, then there would be absolutely no chance of our relationship ever having a chance in the future.

But, honestly, it's torture. I texted my daughter on Thanksgiving wishing her a nice day, and shock of shocks she actually texted me back saying happy Thanksgiving.

So, I sent her a card and small gift for X-mas. I'm afraid to send her anything big or expensive, never knowing if it will just be thrown away. I could see by the tracking info that it was delivered, but I haven't heard anything from my daughter. Checked my mail today, and no card from her, and no response to my text asking if she got my gift.

Honestly, I think it's more torture to keep humiliating myself, basically begging for crumbs from her at this point. Is it time to just give up and save my last shred of dignity?

Anyone else dealing with kids not speaking to them? Did you just stop trying? Do you feel better or worse for doing so?
I have been estranged from my 31 year old daughter for just over a year. I would not be surprised if I never see or hear from her again. Estrangement seems to run in the family. I could never do what you are doing. Not judging ... just saying.
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