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Old 01-01-2017, 02:16 PM
 
2,633 posts, read 3,374,570 times
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Clearly, you guys need couples counseling.

I worry that he is not going to do well sitting at home doing nothing.... for 10 years. There are low paying part-jobs that do not require background checks. Someone who is savvy enough to start/run his own business, can think of something. Or he can volunteer. There are a zillion places that need help.

I worry a little that if you divorce him now, with him unemployed, you may wind up having to support him....
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Old 01-01-2017, 02:33 PM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
7,653 posts, read 4,699,473 times
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I know such a couple.

They retired approximately at the same time, having worked at the same organization. But she decided to buy a business and that business takes up every spare moment she has. So she was actually retired for about five minutes.

He has a business, too, but it's not full-time. It sometimes necessitates he go out of town for a few days, or at least that's the rationale he gives. It's the kind of business where it would be plausible that he has to XYZ City because he's a private contractor who gathers information.

I have been around him at times when he seemed to be coming on to younger women. Maybe harmless flirting, maybe not. But he does have a lot of time on his hands and the means to do whatever he wants. And his wife has her hands full keeping her business afloat.
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Old 01-01-2017, 03:09 PM
 
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Jakabedy,

I think you have to first ask yourself: what is the purpose for my staying in this marriage? Once you have that answer, you will know what to do. Counseling is an option if you know your purpose for remaining and want to learn coping tools, and want to learn to change your expectations and reactions to his behaviors. You should not go into counseling if you want him to change. The counseling is for you to change. If he goes to counseling it is because he wants to change and he will work on what he wants to change about himself.

On the whole, I don't really think that counseling works very often. Rebuilding trust is a huge undertaking if there is no equally big purpose for doing so.
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Old 01-01-2017, 03:23 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
13,888 posts, read 25,319,935 times
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I dealt with this issue. I learned that I would never really trust him again. It changed everything. Me personally, I would cut my losses and leave. If you can really resolve the issue, that's great.

BUT...it's late in the game and he is not a value added partner. He isn't contributing. What would be worse? Losing half now or losing half in X years from now?

You are supposed to be his life partner. You aren't supposed to be wondering what he is up to behind your back every day when you go to work.
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Old 01-01-2017, 03:36 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jakabedy View Post
As the wife, I'm finding this really challenging. And I don't really know anyone who has been through the same thing. In most cases it's the wife who has either retired early or never worked, and she's waiting for the husband to wind down. In our case, DH has been retired from full-time work for almost a year. He does still manage a business we have in another state, but his son is the day-to-day manager there, so this isn't a daily endeavor. He does travel there for about a week every other month.

In the last year DH has made some poor choices regarding both the business and some personal behaviors (infidelity) that I have yet determined how to work through. There is no medical issue -- just idle hands and poor impulse control. But, honestly, I don't know that I can handle 10+ more years of wondering if he's doing something productive with his time, or something destructive.

We're looking at counseling, etc., but it comes down to this: I've got a career, and a challenging one. I've just received a promotion that will require a lot of focus from me. I like what I do and I want to keep doing it. It's also important to our financial retirement plans that I continue working. He's not in a position to go back to full-time or even part-time work (please trust me on this and don't give me a bunch of options -- it's a simple case of a background check making him virtually unemployable in most cases).

The infidelity bit is still raw and unresolved, so I know that's what's driving much of this. But I honestly just kind of wish he would "go away" for about ten years. Then I'd not be worrying about what he's doing or not doing, or feeling bad about not taking tons of time off to do things with him. Then when I'm ready to retire we can look at each other and decide if we want to start anew as a retired couple.

Has anyone else dealt with something similar? Any advice to offer about how to navigate this?

If he won't do counseling, you need counseling anyway. And time -- time to heal and get your feet under you. I can assuming you are still reeling from the infidelity, but -- cutting your losses and running might not be what you really want. Trust can be regained, but both parties have to work towards it. One sided? Time to walk.


I do think seeking advice about leaving the marriage isn't a bad thing though. The scary part of the unknown is the unknowing. Once you know how to dissolve a marriage and what you get out of it and he gets out of it, you can navigate what it takes to stay in the marriage.


Best of luck!
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Old 01-01-2017, 03:43 PM
 
Location: Sierra Nevada Land, CA
8,394 posts, read 9,141,441 times
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This thread seems (and is) more about marital problems rather than retirement issues. I am retired for a year and Mrs5150 is not. She has no plans to retire for at least another four years and maybe longer. Works for me and her. I've taken on household stuff and am expanding on hobbies. Our marriage is fine and got better after I retired.

Infidelity is out of the question for us. Why ruin two or more lives? To the OP: I say ask yourself is the marriage is worth saving. And maybe this thread should be moved to the relationship forum.
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Old 01-01-2017, 03:44 PM
 
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I'm aware of one marriage where, due to a large age difference (husband 25 years older than wife) the husband retired some 20 years before the wife, who has just retired.

From all I have heard and observed, they did not seem to have major problems related to the husband's retirement. But they always did seem like one of those couples who complete each other. The husband took on more household tasks (they have a large house), allowing the wife to focus on the challenging second half of her career. Eventually, they were even able to go down to one car, which I'm told has saved them considerable money.

The husband is now having some health issues due to advancing age, which may lead to the wife's retirement being less enjoyable than she'd hoped, but that could happen to anybody.

Good luck, whatever you do.
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Old 01-01-2017, 04:40 PM
 
6,441 posts, read 3,070,464 times
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I don't see this as a retirement issue.

What you need to deal with is the infidelity issue.

My suggestion would be to see a counselor to help you determine what you want to do and if it is to preserve the marriage then pursue joint counseling.
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Old 01-01-2017, 05:06 PM
 
1,208 posts, read 706,913 times
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11 year age difference, I retired 9 years before DW. She seemed to like her job. She had to be 55 for her pension. Was never a problem. She had 6 weeks vacation so we could still travel a little.
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Old 01-01-2017, 05:47 PM
 
6,310 posts, read 5,053,602 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LookingatFL View Post
Jakabedy,

I think you have to first ask yourself: what is the purpose for my staying in this marriage? Once you have that answer, you will know what to do. Counseling is an option if you know your purpose for remaining and want to learn coping tools, and want to learn to change your expectations and reactions to his behaviors. You should not go into counseling if you want him to change. The counseling is for you to change. If he goes to counseling it is because he wants to change and he will work on what he wants to change about himself.

On the whole, I don't really think that counseling works very often. Rebuilding trust is a huge undertaking if there is no equally big purpose for doing so.
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