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Old 01-01-2017, 06:38 PM
 
Location: annandale, va & slidell, la
7,335 posts, read 3,035,025 times
Reputation: 6147

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Quote:
Originally Posted by jakabedy View Post
As the wife, I'm finding this really challenging. And I don't really know anyone who has been through the same thing. In most cases it's the wife who has either retired early or never worked, and she's waiting for the husband to wind down. In our case, DH has been retired from full-time work for almost a year. He does still manage a business we have in another state, but his son is the day-to-day manager there, so this isn't a daily endeavor. He does travel there for about a week every other month.

In the last year DH has made some poor choices regarding both the business and some personal behaviors (infidelity) that I have yet determined how to work through. There is no medical issue -- just idle hands and poor impulse control. But, honestly, I don't know that I can handle 10+ more years of wondering if he's doing something productive with his time, or something destructive.

We're looking at counseling, etc., but it comes down to this: I've got a career, and a challenging one. I've just received a promotion that will require a lot of focus from me. I like what I do and I want to keep doing it. It's also important to our financial retirement plans that I continue working. He's not in a position to go back to full-time or even part-time work (please trust me on this and don't give me a bunch of options -- it's a simple case of a background check making him virtually unemployable in most cases).

The infidelity bit is still raw and unresolved, so I know that's what's driving much of this. But I honestly just kind of wish he would "go away" for about ten years. Then I'd not be worrying about what he's doing or not doing, or feeling bad about not taking tons of time off to do things with him. Then when I'm ready to retire we can look at each other and decide if we want to start anew as a retired couple.

Has anyone else dealt with something similar? Any advice to offer about how to navigate this?
Divorce?
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Old 01-01-2017, 08:29 PM
 
6,461 posts, read 6,477,746 times
Reputation: 9799
This is a trust issue instead of a retirement issue. Honestly, he can be unfaithful even if he was employed. Obviously he figured out how to be unfaithful before. I would ask myself what I wanted from life and go from there.

Do you want to be with him in the long term future? Do you want the same things in life?
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Old 01-01-2017, 09:19 PM
 
1,168 posts, read 2,401,166 times
Reputation: 3485
well he sounds like a keeper.......
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Old 01-01-2017, 09:27 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,572 posts, read 17,544,804 times
Reputation: 27640
How old are the two of you?
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Old 01-02-2017, 04:51 AM
 
30,072 posts, read 47,312,423 times
Reputation: 16023
Quote:
Originally Posted by jakabedy View Post
As the wife, I'm finding this really challenging. And I don't really know anyone who has been through the same thing. In most cases it's the wife who has either retired early or never worked, and she's waiting for the husband to wind down. In our case, DH has been retired from full-time work for almost a year. He does still manage a business we have in another state, but his son is the day-to-day manager there, so this isn't a daily endeavor. He does travel there for about a week every other month.

In the last year DH has made some poor choices regarding both the business and some personal behaviors (infidelity) that I have yet determined how to work through. There is no medical issue -- just idle hands and poor impulse control. But, honestly, I don't know that I can handle 10+ more years of wondering if he's doing something productive with his time, or something destructive.

We're looking at counseling, etc., but it comes down to this: I've got a career, and a challenging one. I've just received a promotion that will require a lot of focus from me. I like what I do and I want to keep doing it. It's also important to our financial retirement plans that I continue working. He's not in a position to go back to full-time or even part-time work (please trust me on this and don't give me a bunch of options -- it's a simple case of a background check making him virtually unemployable in most cases).

The infidelity bit is still raw and unresolved, so I know that's what's driving much of this. But I honestly just kind of wish he would "go away" for about ten years. Then I'd not be worrying about what he's doing or not doing, or feeling bad about not taking tons of time off to do things with him. Then when I'm ready to retire we can look at each other and decide if we want to start anew as a retired couple.

Has anyone else dealt with something similar? Any advice to offer about how to navigate this?
If you think you can live w/o your husband for 10 yrs, why would you wait to evaluate the situation then?
It doesn't sound as if there is much mutual respect at this point---
If you were to divorce what would that do to your retirement projection--and his?
You havn't started counseling--do you think it will help? In my experience, people with poor impulse control usually aren't very strong at self-analysis/self-criticism which means counseling often doesn't really work...
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Old 01-02-2017, 05:22 AM
 
34,365 posts, read 41,446,089 times
Reputation: 29853
Sounds a bit like my situation although without the infidelity part.
Worked in factories all my life and dreamed of the day i could retire,well that day finally came at the age of 60 ,one thing i had totally not considered was my wife being 10 yrs younger than me wouldnt be joining me in this retirement,she loves her job and will work another 15 years..oooops so i'm basically retired on my own, we do love each other and we get away when she has holidays or long weekends but for the best part of the year i'm alone in the house and as "some of us have to work" i get to do all household chores.
I've tried to get part time or full time work to pass the time but at 60 no one seems interested,if i knew then what i know now i wouldnt have been so quick to retire and stayed working another 10 years.
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Old 01-02-2017, 09:11 AM
 
Location: Chambers County
1,133 posts, read 1,807,923 times
Reputation: 1175
Lots of "well meaning" advice being given here, but its based only one side of a story. Your "DH" needs to come on here and tell his side, before anyone can really advise anything correctly.
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Old 01-02-2017, 09:59 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
14,374 posts, read 7,916,313 times
Reputation: 53477
Oh yikes dear one. That whole infidelity thing would be a deal breaker for me. My husband retired two years before I did and it was a wonderful experience. He was my man wife and did everything for me. All I had to do was go to work. I loved it. We've been living together 24/7 for a little over a year now and it was a smooth adjustment. I was afraid of too much togetherness because we never saw each other much when we were both working. It turned out to be a non issue, actually quite the opposite.

All I can tell you is follow your heart and don't stay with him if your inner voice tells you to go. That feeling of not being able to trust someone and having to check on them is way too much work and heartache for me, but I've been with the love of my life for 31 years and I know he has my back. Trust is the most important issue in a marriage for me. It's like building a house on sand. You never know when it's going to shift taking the house down with it.

I'm sending you hugs and wishes that things go your way and you find happiness with your monumental decision.
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Old 01-02-2017, 10:27 AM
 
Location: equator
3,431 posts, read 1,527,565 times
Reputation: 8499
This is really tough. I had a similar experience in my last few years of work, DH's business was floundering so he was home idle most of the time while I was out laboring at a difficult physical job. I was furious and resentful. He refused to get other work. It's so bad to live simmering in bitterness! Counseling did not help; he actually admitted he was "lazy".


I totally feel for you OP. My solution was to separate temporarily. My job was seasonal, so for 5 years, I left for months at a time and went far away to live on my own, but near my own family. This also gives you a feeling for being single again. I was able to drop my bitterness while we were apart and do whatever I wanted.


This scenario actually prompted our early retirement---I could not go on like that (during the work season). We retired to "save our marriage", in my mind. It's OK now 'cause we are both "lazy", and appreciate each other far more.


Since you seem financially sound, why don't you try separating? Then you can think about divorce over time. This is very hard and my thoughts go out to you.


As for background checks, I wouldn't be so quick to judge. You can get slapped with something for which you are innocent....just like all the innocents in jail. It can happen and affect you the rest of your life.
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Old 01-02-2017, 11:57 AM
 
Location: Central Mexico and Central Florida
7,096 posts, read 3,457,793 times
Reputation: 10158
I wonder if his infidelity is new; louses are usually louses for most of their lives.

I had two close couple friends who went through this. One wife began the process to end the marriage instantly upon finding out. The other couple went into counseling; spent a miserable 8 months in it and in the end, divorced.

Infidelity would be a deal breaker for me, pronto. If your husband cheats on you, what else is he lying to you about.....secret bank accounts??
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