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Old 01-02-2017, 11:51 PM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
18,156 posts, read 23,103,865 times
Reputation: 35427

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A cheater is a cheater. He most likely always has been, and he always will be.

And you are now supporting him.

Hard to hear, and in my experience you won't heed anyone's warning or advice. But, he has probably always cheated on you and he probably always will. In fact, I'd place odds that he was with someone when the two of you got involved - that he was cheating on someone else with you. You won't be able to control it by being around more. He'll just find another way.

It's time to leave him. Or accept things just the way they are. Because nothing you do will change him.

Been there. Seen lots of friends go through it, and still are. I'm glad I could walk away when I did.
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Old 01-03-2017, 12:03 AM
 
448 posts, read 284,541 times
Reputation: 2948
This is completely off topic, but it's all Richard Pryor's fault, if indeed, he used such a close approximation of that wonderful line without attribution:

"The famous phrase "Well, who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes?" is often referred to as a Groucho Marx quote, but it was actually delivered by Chico, in his characteristic Italian accent, in Duck Soup (1933) , playing the character Chicolini while impersonating Rufus T. Firefly (Groucho)."
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Old 01-03-2017, 12:20 AM
 
6,567 posts, read 3,121,462 times
Reputation: 6079
Quote:
Originally Posted by southeasttexas View Post
Everyone, men included, deserves their "day in court", whether it be in a real court, or here, in the court of public opinion. So many of you have found this man guilty without a shred of evidence, going just off someone posting their side of a story. This reminds me of a call in radio program, where someone (usually female) calls in and vents, ripping their "DH" to shreds, and then the radio host parrots back everything she said, totally agreeing and blindly supporting, without every hearing ANYTHING from the other party. For this reason, you get uninformed (and many times totally wrong) "advice" from total strangers without a clue to the facts and reality of a situation. Domestic issues should be resolved privately, and with full disclosure from BOTH sides. This highly biased thread is actually dangerous.
Most people are just telling the OP that she needs to deal with the infidelity which is the larger problem than who retires first.

I assume she knows if there was or was not infidelity. She stated there was.

So there is no need for a day in court. If her husband cheated, he cheated.

That's a character issue on his part however he justifies it, since if you are not happy within a marriage you can always file for divorce.

IMO, the OP would probably be better served seeking out advice in an infidelity forum to determine if she really wants to stay in this marriage. For some people, infidelity is a deal breaker. Others are able to forgive and move on. But, that requires specific things from both partners and she will likely get better advice in an infidelity forum from people who have dealt with that.
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Old 01-03-2017, 12:47 AM
 
Location: Haiku
4,188 posts, read 2,614,740 times
Reputation: 6184
Quote:
Originally Posted by jakabedy View Post

Has anyone else dealt with something similar? Any advice to offer about how to navigate this?
Nobody here can tell you what to do as your decision is deeply personal. Infidelity or past mistakes mean different things to different people. I would do what your heart tells you to do, not what this forum tells you to do.

As to dealing with something similar - yes. Someone in my family had a rough time growing up and becoming responsible and sounds perhaps similar to your husband. But there is no doubt he loves his wife and by all appearances they will be together until they die. But it has taken some work for them to get over some humps.
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Old 01-03-2017, 07:46 AM
 
Location: Chambers County
1,133 posts, read 1,812,587 times
Reputation: 1175
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe View Post
A cheater is a cheater. He most likely always has been, and he always will be.

And you are now supporting him.
"most likely always has been" Show your evidence, (not hearsay) of this statement. I am waiting.

I am not supporting ANYONE. Try to quote where I did. You can't do it.
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Old 01-03-2017, 07:50 AM
 
Location: Chambers County
1,133 posts, read 1,812,587 times
Reputation: 1175
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondy View Post
I assume she knows if there was or was not infidelity. She stated there was.

So there is no need for a day in court. If her husband cheated, he cheated.
So you ASSUME...because SHE stated... "IF" he did...

Again, many of you are passing judgement on someone you DON'T KNOW, nor know any HARD FACTS of a domestic issue, because you WANT to blindly believe one side of a personal issue.

Until HE states HIS side, this is worthless. No one can accurately judge anything.
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Old 01-03-2017, 08:07 AM
 
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
22,709 posts, read 40,113,239 times
Reputation: 23866
There are a lot of ways beyond direct employment to get DH engaged and committed to sustaining future credibility and support from his side.

Most men need to be actively productive at some task. He should have his own stuff together, home, finances, and autos spiffed and be seeking ways to fund earlier retirement objective for DW.

Build / remodel a personal home every 24 months and take away $500k tax free. That oughta help keep him busy enough and doesn't require employment. In 8 yrs He can add a couple million bucks to the bottom line.

If he can't productively participate, find a permanent solution that brings back DW's dignity and ability to make the right choices for her future.
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Old 01-03-2017, 09:30 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
7,830 posts, read 4,805,257 times
Reputation: 28669
Quote:
Originally Posted by southeasttexas View Post
Everyone, men included, deserves their "day in court", whether it be in a real court, or here, in the court of public opinion. So many of you have found this man guilty without a shred of evidence, going just off someone posting their side of a story. This reminds me of a call in radio program, where someone (usually female) calls in and vents, ripping their "DH" to shreds, and then the radio host parrots back everything she said, totally agreeing and blindly supporting, without every hearing ANYTHING from the other party. For this reason, you get uninformed (and many times totally wrong) "advice" from total strangers without a clue to the facts and reality of a situation. Domestic issues should be resolved privately, and with full disclosure from BOTH sides. This highly biased thread is actually dangerous.
Hyperbole much?

We never get both sides on City-Data. You should know that by now. The polite presumption in every case is that the OP is telling the truth.

You seem to be taking this awfully personally.
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Old 01-03-2017, 09:54 AM
 
5,190 posts, read 4,067,732 times
Reputation: 13174
Quote:
Originally Posted by southeasttexas View Post
Everyone, men included, deserves their "day in court", whether it be in a real court, or here, in the court of public opinion. So many of you have found this man guilty without a shred of evidence, going just off someone posting their side of a story. This reminds me of a call in radio program, where someone (usually female) calls in and vents, ripping their "DH" to shreds, and then the radio host parrots back everything she said, totally agreeing and blindly supporting, without every hearing ANYTHING from the other party. For this reason, you get uninformed (and many times totally wrong) "advice" from total strangers without a clue to the facts and reality of a situation. Domestic issues should be resolved privately, and with full disclosure from BOTH sides. This highly biased thread is actually dangerous.
Lol

The OP presented facts.

He either cheated or he didn't.

He either has a record or he doesn't.

These are not open to interpretation.

Not sure what your issue is with this.
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Old 01-03-2017, 11:27 AM
 
Location: Long Neck , DE
4,903 posts, read 3,049,390 times
Reputation: 8025
Quote:
Originally Posted by southeasttexas View Post
Everyone, men included, deserves their "day in court", whether it be in a real court, or here, in the court of public opinion. So many of you have found this man guilty without a shred of evidence, going just off someone posting their side of a story. This reminds me of a call in radio program, where someone (usually female) calls in and vents, ripping their "DH" to shreds, and then the radio host parrots back everything she said, totally agreeing and blindly supporting, without every hearing ANYTHING from the other party. For this reason, you get uninformed (and many times totally wrong) "advice" from total strangers without a clue to the facts and reality of a situation. Domestic issues should be resolved privately, and with full disclosure from BOTH sides. This highly biased thread is actually dangerous.
I can not argue with you. But someone who has had an affair and can not pass a background check really does not look like a desirable partner.
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