U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 01-04-2017, 03:48 AM
 
5,190 posts, read 4,048,785 times
Reputation: 13169

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by jakabedy View Post
OP here. You haven't lost me. I wasn't unable to log in via tablet for a few days and had to get to my desktop to reset.

Just to clarify a few things: I'm 51, he's 64. Married 14 years. He has adult children, I have no children.

The infidelity is admitted and documented (in a binder with tabs, even, because that's how I roll). It wasn't a long-term thing, but a series of short-term things. I'm not sure if one is any better or worse than the other. Counseling is on deck for me so I'm able to work through it and decide what I want to do. It's not a done deal that I leave or that I stay -- all very much in flux. And yes, I can support myself, have met with counsel and have gotten those ducks in a row. I do have support from appropriate forums.

The record I was aware of when we married 14 years ago, and I knew it could affect his work life once business at a particular employer dried up. It dried up about a year ago. I wasn't mentioning the record as a personal detractor, but in anticipation of many comments that would likely recommend he find different work/go back to work/etc. -- I just wanted to get ahead of that line of thought. He IS contributing. He has some healthy pensions and is drawing SS. With my recent raise I will finally match what he brings in not working.

I know it's hard to separate the infidelity piece, and I probably shouldn't have dropped that in there. Setting that aside for a moment, I suppose I never really considered what he'd actually be doing all these years while I'm still working. We just sort of got there one day, with the passage of time, and I'm not necessarily at ease with it all.

Thanks for all input, no matter how rough or coarse.
The infidelity is relevant. It affects trust, which is the crux of your issue here.

You don't trust him to stay faithful once he is home alone all day with nothing to do.

This is a tough spot for you.

I would continue working at your age. You do not have to retire just because he does. Especially since he is compromised in the earning department lol. Also, it would be one thing if you hated your job - but this sounds like your dream position.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 01-04-2017, 07:32 AM
 
16,720 posts, read 14,688,308 times
Reputation: 41119
Quote:
Originally Posted by jakabedy View Post
personal behaviors (infidelity)
...
background check making him virtually unemployable
I am going to counseling because of a recent incident and I considered divorce, but I want to get some counseling under my belt first; I am not willing to toss 15 years out the window like so much trash.

However, my issues were nowhere near as bad as what you have listed above. My husband just has a mean streak regarding cruel things he has said or done (not physical).

But he's never cheated on me, and he's never committed a crime. Those are deal-breakers in my opinion.

Your husband isn't retired, he's a felon that can't be employed; there's a huge difference.

ETA: I see you knew about his crime before marriage; okay.

Last edited by convextech; 01-04-2017 at 07:43 AM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-04-2017, 07:39 AM
 
16,720 posts, read 14,688,308 times
Reputation: 41119
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post

You seem to be taking this awfully personally.
Yeah, I hear a hit dog.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-04-2017, 08:08 AM
 
Location: Pennsylvania
1,653 posts, read 1,230,842 times
Reputation: 6066
Quote:
Originally Posted by jakabedy View Post
But I honestly just kind of wish he would "go away" for about ten years.
Why are you even married then? It sounds like there is not much to salvage so why even bother? You obviously don't love him and he doesn't sound like he's all that into you either. Do you two have anything keeping you together other than a marriage license?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-04-2017, 09:56 AM
 
Location: Chambers County
1,133 posts, read 1,807,923 times
Reputation: 1175
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
Hyperbole much?

We never get both sides on City-Data. You should know that by now. The polite presumption in every case is that the OP is telling the truth.

You seem to be taking this awfully personally.

Nope. Thats totally wrong. We just celebrated our 30th anniversary this past July. There has been zero infidelity in our marriage.

Looks like another wrong ASSUMPTION has reared its head in this thread. Thanks for helping prove my point, LOL.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-04-2017, 09:57 AM
 
Location: Chambers County
1,133 posts, read 1,807,923 times
Reputation: 1175
Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech View Post
Yeah, I hear a hit dog.
You heard TOTALLY WRONG, eggs on your face, see above. LOL.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-04-2017, 10:03 AM
 
Location: Florida
4,359 posts, read 3,694,371 times
Reputation: 4084
Maybe an over 55 community that has lots of recreational facilities. Assuming he will join the clubs.

Golf can be a big user of time.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-04-2017, 10:32 AM
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
4,933 posts, read 2,277,189 times
Reputation: 16601
The OP's situation actually has potential for becoming very unhealthy; as in physically unhealthy.

Women who's husbands retirement serves to put them underfoot, up the b**t, or into trouble with mismanaged time & boredom; are at risk for RHS ... "Retired Husband Syndrome", AKA ; "Japanese RHS".

It's a psychosomatic stress disorder, identified in 1991 during a presentation to the Japanese Society of Psychosomatic Medicine & is now thought to occur in 60% of Japan's older, female population.

I know, I know how it sounds. And it is funny. I'll admit I was giggling through every article I read (especially the one titled "Are You Still Here?"). I also, however, acknowledge that this will be me in 5 years. Truth be told, this already WAS me after the holidays provided him with two 4-day weekends in a row.

Supposedly, if left unresolved, RHS will result in symptoms including: Depression, skin rashes, Asthma, Ulcers & Hypertension.

An excerpt:

"....Retirement cut him off from his longtime office social network, leaving him virtually friendless and her with the strain of filling his empty time. Within a few weeks, she said, he was hardly leaving the house, watching television and reading the newspaper -- and barking orders at her. ..."

" ... She said she cannot even stand to look at her husband across the dinner table now and sits at an angle so she can stare out a window instead...."

Sick of Their Husbands in Graying Japan

Additionally; RHS was initially regarded as a concern for the stay-at-homemaker; likely due to it's being identified in Japan, a country with strong traditional gender defined roles. Recent research, however, is finding that not only does it exist in working women but it can be even WORSE for women still employed, if the husband retires first:

" ...The retirement effects are even stronger for employed women, who are already stressed by their job and have less time to comply with the additional requests by their retired husbands..."

Living with a stranger: The “Retired Husband Syndrome” in Japan | IZA Newsroom

Since 1/5th of Japans population are now nearing, or over, the age of 60, RHS is becoming a recognized problem & there has been an interesting social response to it that has spawned thousands of "retired men's groups" that serve to introduce productive hobby's & skills & more importantly; to get men out of the house in a "supervised" setting.

Japanese family law has no provisions for wives, of any length of time of marriage, to have ANY claim on pension funds. Since this renders divorce prohibitive for most women, these social groups are taken very seriously & men are encouraged to attend.

OP; good for you that you would be financially ok without him, in the event he becomes to unberable. I feel like you are the sort that sees your marriage as a high priority & are commited to seeing this through.

I'm going to be in dire straights; I'm 49, he's 60. I had to stop working 10 years ago to care for my now 13 year old disabled son.

I'm doomed. I mean; it's kind of funny but then it's not. Maybe hypnosis ... I could become a self-taught hypnotherapist & use snapping fingers & hand claps to keep him busy & useful? Or at least in a catatonic vegetative state during the hours that he's most likely to get in over his head with his next brilliant idea?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-04-2017, 11:23 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,729,443 times
Reputation: 32304
^^^^ Pretty condescending toward, and dismissive of, the husband, Coschristi.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-05-2017, 12:16 AM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
18,083 posts, read 22,934,448 times
Reputation: 35202
Why is it the wife's problem to keep the husband busy and out of trouble? I'd say, "You figure out how to keep busy and if you cheat on me, I'm gone."

I feel for the women in Japan or anywhere else, where they can't leave their husbands because of financial reasons. But, that's not the case in the US.

I wonder if there is an increase in mysterious deaths of retired men in Japan LOL. "Have some more mushrooms, dear..."
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top