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Old 02-16-2017, 05:14 PM
 
Location: Paranoid State
13,047 posts, read 10,431,986 times
Reputation: 15678

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Quote:
Originally Posted by StealthRabbit View Post
We take on the task of helping rural seniors decide to stay, or leave.

Good for you! That's a service that is clearly needed and helpful at so many levels.
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Old 02-16-2017, 06:40 PM
 
4,431 posts, read 2,608,360 times
Reputation: 10299
Well, one simple way is to STOP doing the 5 hour runs for her. SImply "don't have time", either you OR your aunt. Grandmother will get the idea soon enough.

It IS hard to give up one's home.

Make sure when the time comes, she selects via sticker dot ONLY the furniture that will fit, and ONLY the most "precious items to her" to take.

GEt a roll off dumpster and heave ho what she holds onto but says she doens't need. Get rid of it FAST when she says that.

Convince her she can make $$$$ if she has a garage sale, help her do it to pare down stuff, go room by room and ask what she can get rid of.

We recently bought a new house and had a 40yard 4'high rolloff we filled FULL of cast off garbage. A garage sale helped with moving expense. hold up an item and say "gma stay or go. 10 seconds to decide", and when she says go, get rid of it fast, before she changes her mind.

TAKE her to the new potential place, if it is aunts townhouse, have her select only the items of furniture and a chair that will fit in the bedroom, if it her own townhouse, same deal.

When going through stuff, have he imagine the hosue is on fire,,, what MOST precious and important items does she want?

get a uhaul, and tell her what can fit goes with her to new place, what doens't goes to garbage or garage sale. make her decide.

Last resort: burn the house down while she's away!


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Old 02-16-2017, 08:09 PM
 
Location: middle tennessee
1,924 posts, read 988,107 times
Reputation: 6931
I don't think having someone tell me that I need to "downsize" now because it is going to be a lot of trouble for others when I'm dead would motivate me.


So sorry you are having to put in 5 hours a week.
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Old 02-16-2017, 09:01 PM
 
911 posts, read 529,406 times
Reputation: 3717
Honestly your situation is common. She will probably fall and break a hip then she will be forced to change. Until then there is not much you can do. I hate how our society encourages people to think they will live forever( "70 is the new 50!") or that they can will themselves to never age or have mobility issues.
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Old 02-16-2017, 09:06 PM
 
Location: Albuquerque NM
1,657 posts, read 1,522,222 times
Reputation: 3632
Maybe talk to her about hiring someone to mow the lawn, do her laundry, and take her to the grocery store. Have it all set up so you have someone ready to do the jobs and a price quote. Since your family lives in the area, it should not be too hard for you to find someone trustworthy and reasonably priced. Also if the stairs are wide enough, consider a stair lift which could cost $2500-5000. If your grandmother wants to stay in her home, she needs to be willing to pay for help. My elderly female relative paid a woman $10 or $12 an hour to do laundry, drive her to the grocery store, and also to be present when she was taking her shower in case my relative fell. Most elderly women only shower a couple of times a week because their skin is so dry. It was about 4-5 hours of work a week. My relative was extremely reluctant to pay the money even though she could afford it but her daughter had a full time job and teenage children and was too busy. Also they could do the laundry at your aunt's place on the weekend and she could take one of her showers then so your grandmother might be able to just pay someone a couple of hours a week.

And most grocery stores have the electric shopping carts for elderly people.

Last edited by ABQ2015; 02-16-2017 at 09:51 PM..
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Old 02-16-2017, 11:18 PM
 
26,589 posts, read 52,267,707 times
Reputation: 20410
Sounds like the widower next door at age 98... he has 3 adult daughters and they decided to turn the living room into the bedroom and added a ADA style bathroom on the main floor... did it when he was 95 and it has proved valuable... also, he has Prop 13 so his taxes are around 1500 and anyone buying would be paying $12,000... so an incentive to make it work.

My great aunt had a hard time getting rid of her things... she never had children and was widowed 3 times... first husband died in WWI, second in WWII and third when she was about 65...

I had an empty garage and offered to put whatever she wanted there for storage... it was a great comfort and from time to time I would tell her of someone in need of a couch, dining table, etc and she was more than happy for them to have as it was helping someone...

I really think being able to part with things on her terms was essential to lifting her spirits...

Currently I take care of Mom with memory issues but few physical issues... she has said this is home and gets easily confused in strange unfamiliar situations... as far as I'm concerned I will do whatever I can to see to it that her wishes are honored...
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Old 02-17-2017, 06:31 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,572 posts, read 17,544,804 times
Reputation: 27640
It's more like five hours on the week total. Some weeks more, others less. It's not necessarily the time that is the problem, but the fact she wants everything done on her schedule. I normally go to Sam's Club and Walmart on Thursday or Friday night - she wants to go to Sam's and Walmart on Saturdays. Nothing gets done on Sundays, as she's pretty religious. I don't mind taking her, but I work a full-time job, and you'd think she'd more cooperative and willing to work with my schedule more.

I like to spend the weekend doing things I want to do, and try to take care of required errands like that after work. The rest of the family has always been of the attitude "come home and do nothing after work during the week, and then do everything Saturday" - not just grandmother, aunt and parents too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ABQ2015 View Post
Maybe talk to her about hiring someone to mow the lawn, do her laundry, and take her to the grocery store. Have it all set up so you have someone ready to do the jobs and a price quote. Since your family lives in the area, it should not be too hard for you to find someone trustworthy and reasonably priced. Also if the stairs are wide enough, consider a stair lift which could cost $2500-5000. If your grandmother wants to stay in her home, she needs to be willing to pay for help. My elderly female relative paid a woman $10 or $12 an hour to do laundry, drive her to the grocery store, and also to be present when she was taking her shower in case my relative fell. Most elderly women only shower a couple of times a week because their skin is so dry. It was about 4-5 hours of work a week. My relative was extremely reluctant to pay the money even though she could afford it but her daughter had a full time job and teenage children and was too busy. Also they could do the laundry at your aunt's place on the weekend and she could take one of her showers then so your grandmother might be able to just pay someone a couple of hours a week.

And most grocery stores have the electric shopping carts for elderly people.
She had been having someone mow for the last several years - other than the last six months, I've lived in the area pretty much one year out of the last five. My cousin was doing it for awhile, but he's since had a falling out with the rest of the family and doesn't come around anymore.

My grandfather was frugal and invested fairly well. I have no idea how much she has, she's not wealthy, but it's probably more than you'd expect. I don't think money, especially for light stuff like this, is the issue. It's more of the change of lifestyle.
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Old 02-17-2017, 06:43 AM
 
Location: Location: Happy Place
3,688 posts, read 1,866,292 times
Reputation: 11301
When and husband and I were looking for our retirement home here in TX, we specifically did NOT want a two story home. We have a very nice, open floorplan that might accommodate walkers or wheelchairs.

Should one of us have to move on to assisted living, I doubt if I will have a problem letting it all go. It is just STUFF. My husband is the hoarder, he will have a hard time parting with saws, tools, etc.
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Old 02-17-2017, 06:47 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,572 posts, read 17,544,804 times
Reputation: 27640
Quote:
Originally Posted by galaxyhi View Post
Well, one simple way is to STOP doing the 5 hour runs for her. SImply "don't have time", either you OR your aunt. Grandmother will get the idea soon enough.

It IS hard to give up one's home.

Make sure when the time comes, she selects via sticker dot ONLY the furniture that will fit, and ONLY the most "precious items to her" to take.

GEt a roll off dumpster and heave ho what she holds onto but says she doens't need. Get rid of it FAST when she says that.

Convince her she can make $$$$ if she has a garage sale, help her do it to pare down stuff, go room by room and ask what she can get rid of.

We recently bought a new house and had a 40yard 4'high rolloff we filled FULL of cast off garbage. A garage sale helped with moving expense. hold up an item and say "gma stay or go. 10 seconds to decide", and when she says go, get rid of it fast, before she changes her mind.

TAKE her to the new potential place, if it is aunts townhouse, have her select only the items of furniture and a chair that will fit in the bedroom, if it her own townhouse, same deal.

When going through stuff, have he imagine the hosue is on fire,,, what MOST precious and important items does she want?

get a uhaul, and tell her what can fit goes with her to new place, what doens't goes to garbage or garage sale. make her decide.

Last resort: burn the house down while she's away!


Ten to twelve years ago, the couple next door to them (who would be 90-100 now) got sick too. Wife ended up being diagnosed with cancer in 2003-2004 and died a couple years later. Soon after mom died, the kids, none of whom live in Tennessee now, came down and "put pop in the nursing home." Instead of calling Salvation Army or other charities to see what could be donated/saved, they had Waste Management bring out a dumpster and pretty much dumpstered their parents' lives within a week or so of his being put in the nursing home, and the house went up for sale. A man in my office bought the house.

They did let the neighbors and church members "take what they want" (we took the couch, which I hauled to Indiana with me and dumpstered it on the move back - ). I had dealt with plenty of older relatives dying, but virtually all of them lived in the area and there was always someone to "wind down" the estate in an orderly fashion, and usually the better items were kept by other family members, sold, etc. I guess "your life being dumpstered" is inevitable in some cases, but was really shocking to see the speed and seemingly the lack of care taken in that case.

We aren't to that point with my grandmother, but the garage is probably half-packed with boxes floor to ceiling. Before his health got worse, he had a large garden and canned a lot of vegetables - I'm sure there are 10-15 year old canned beans in the pile of boxes. That all needs to be gone through and see what has value/might be used, and what is trash. He has probably 100 VHS tapes in his downstairs den, which hasn't really been touched since he died. No one goes down there now, and it needs to be cleaned out.

It's more things like that, going through stuff that is obsolete, in storage, or clearly unused, rather than just disposing of things en masse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mschrief View Post
When and husband and I were looking for our retirement home here in TX, we specifically did NOT want a two story home. We have a very nice, open floorplan that might accommodate walkers or wheelchairs.

Should one of us have to move on to assisted living, I doubt if I will have a problem letting it all go. It is just STUFF. My husband is the hoarder, he will have a hard time parting with saws, tools, etc.
Grandfather had mobility issues himself for years, and had his first heart attack back in the early 80s when he was around 50. He lived to 77 and died in 2009, but the last five years or so were awful with frequent hospital trips, and the last year was basically in and out of a nursing home. When he died, he was actually doing well and had gotten let out of a nursing home shortly before - it was a Saturday and I mowed and had lunch with them - he collapsed on the bedroom floor and died a few days later in the hospital.

Until the last year, she pretty much cared for him at home by herself, as he was at times either (sometimes both) unwilling or unable to do basic things like get himself out of bed, shower, etc. I definitely think those five or so years of caregiving before he died wore her down physically.

He retired in 1993 at 62, but seemed so much older than my dad who is 60 now and uncle who will be 62 in November. Unfortunately, he did nothing on the house to make it more accommodating for older/less mobile people.
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Old 02-17-2017, 07:31 AM
 
Location: Location: Happy Place
3,688 posts, read 1,866,292 times
Reputation: 11301
I've already checked into estate sale companies in my area. Should my husband pass before me, which I doubt will happen, I would remove what I wanted and then have them liquidate our stuff. They will literally sell the can goods out of your cupboard.

There is one on-line seller, www.ebth.com that looks interesting.
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