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Old 03-27-2017, 06:41 PM
Location: Tennessee
23,699 posts, read 17,668,720 times
Reputation: 27773


Originally Posted by ansible90 View Post
I wonder if Grandmother would be willing to sell the house to you -- might make it easier for her to leave if she knows it will stay in the family. Then she could move in with Aunt (after a frank discussion between them about nursing homes).

Another thought: why don't you move in with Grandmother now? Would make your life easier because you would be able to do chores on your schedule. And you would be there if anything happened in the evening or night time.

Just some things to think about.
Her house's size is less than a third of my parents' house. It is a small home. There are things left just as my grandfather had them in the basement, and he has been gone for seven years. There is no way to fit my stuff plus everything currently in that house there now. It really needs a thorough sort without her around to determine what is useful, valuable, and what isn't. A lot of my furniture is in my aunt's garage. Anything I brought home is likely going to be ruined and tossed when I move on account of the five cats.

I have improved my cash flow by a little over $750/month since I moved back in August. I paid off the negative equity on my car, sold it, and bought a used SUV in cash last week, so that $489/month payment is now gone. I net a little over $3,400/month with debt payments of $517/month going into the next month. I also like to drink and party, and she's very religious and does not know I drink and party. I can afford a mortgage. I've already been pre-approved up to $160k, but do not intend to go that high. Remember I live in the middle of nowhere in northeast Tennessee.

My employer is, pending government approval, being merged into another system. I have some concerns about job stability on that front. The debt payment is a personal loan - if TSHTF, I'd let it go and just take the credit hit, especially if I bought a house.

I make more than either of my parents and have been helping them with funding repairs to the house. What looked like a toilet/sink replacement in our basement has grown into a mold remediation project and tearing out a wall with rotting paneling and sheet rock replacement in various areas of the room. We have some friends doing the work - mostly done, but that has cost $1,500 - $1,000 by me, $500 by parents. Once we get this sewage odor, wall work, and flooring dealt with in the laundry room, we need to have the deck (that no one ever used) rebuilt to sell the house. The deck was never used, but is a beautiful space - would make a wonderful screened in porch. It feels fragile under my weight and needs to be redone. Outside storage shed's wood frame is also rotting away - brick base is fine, but needs a new frame. Door fell onto me opening it last week.

I don't mind to help to a point as parents helped me out last summer by letting me stay free for a couple months after a near job loss (I pay a third of mortgage and utilities now, plus most of the household bulk goods and these repair bills). I'm not really saving much money by continuing to live here, and the property and cats are starting to wear me out.
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Old 03-28-2017, 12:23 AM
10,824 posts, read 8,088,333 times
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We are right now finalizing a move from 2400 to 1600 sf.

Even though we started unloading stuff more than a year ago in anticipating a move, it's still a work in progress. And psychologically liberating.
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Old 03-28-2017, 06:00 AM
Location: Location: Happy Place
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I have NO problem with downsizing my stuff. Husband does.

Went through my closet and dresser this weekend - two more bags of clothes for the Goodwill.
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Old 03-28-2017, 09:01 AM
419 posts, read 258,519 times
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Originally Posted by mschrief View Post
I have NO problem with downsizing my stuff. Husband does.

Went through my closet and dresser this weekend - two more bags of clothes for the Goodwill.

Same here! Sometimes I look at the stuff he feels he needs and just shake my head. He knows he'll never use it again, I know he'll never use it again, but he wants to keep everything "just in case." He has so many more clothes than I do, of course some of them are 30+ years old. Getting him to get rid of things is a struggle.
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Old 03-28-2017, 11:57 AM
12,825 posts, read 20,180,279 times
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Originally Posted by StillRoaming View Post
Same here! Sometimes I look at the stuff he feels he needs and just shake my head. He knows he'll never use it again, I know he'll never use it again, but he wants to keep everything "just in case." He has so many more clothes than I do, of course some of them are 30+ years old. Getting him to get rid of things is a struggle.

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Old 03-29-2017, 08:38 AM
845 posts, read 751,714 times
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We are planning to retire as soon as our home sells. We started getting rid of our stuff last yr. We sold (or threw away) the stuff we knew we didn't want over the entire summer- every week we had yard sales and took stuff to auction. Now this summer we will weed out some more stuff, and will continue every week or month until the house sells.

We will not take most of this stuff because we will be going from NY to Fl and it isn't worth taking or paying money to move. Plus except for a sweater or 2- no winter clothes, etc.

Of course there will ALWAYS be a few things I (or you) will want to keep: photos, some keepsakes, a figurine someone gave you, something from your honeymoon that now is barely recognizable... but that is Ok and worth taking. We all have that stuff. You know the things I'm talking about.

I always think (I think this a few times a year and look around the house)....What would I save if my house caught on fire? (And I've known ppl who had lost everything to house fires). What your answer is, is what you take.

I find (and this is my opinion of course) that every time I get rid of something I feel so "relieved". It's like a weight off my shoulders. I no longer need to dust it, vacuum it, clean it, fix it, or find a place to put it. Yet I know that the things I love the best will come with me.
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Old 09-19-2017, 08:39 AM
Location: Tennessee
23,699 posts, read 17,668,720 times
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I thought I'd update this as things are coming more to a head lately and there is a lot of new information.

Grandmother fell again yesterday evening on the hardwood floor after showering. She got dressed and my guess is she didn't dry her feet, then fell on the slick wood. She had her cell phone on her (at least she is carrying that now) and was able to call me. We went to the ER at about 8:30. She is bruised, but did not break anything. She fell at least twice over the summer I can remember - one time slipping out of the car after coming home from church, and another time at my aunt's. Fortunately, none of these falls have been serious, but all have resulted in trips to urgent care or ER.

The original stress fracture has never healed right. A knee specialist said a knee replacement would not help her. Her family doctor, after the referral to the knee specialist, said it might help her, and now she wants a second opinion. The knee specialist she went to is the premier specialist on knees in the area, and did surgery on my father about ten years and did a double knee replacement on my grandfather last year, all a success. I don't know what she is looking to find, but whatever. She had another cortisone shot a few weeks ago that has helped and went through about six to eight weeks of physical therapy this summer. There's been not a lot of difference either way.

She now has walkers in the upstairs and mid-level, along with a cane in the car. Both are the kind with brakes that you can sit down on. She still drives, but basically only to the doctor, Friday hair appointment, and to church on Sunday.

She hasn't been staying with my aunt regularly for a couple of months. My aunt's stepson's estranged wife and her five year old son have been living with my aunt. The stepson was basically raised by my aunt when his biological mother died at 9. He's 27 now, and got married when they were 20 and he was 22. They had a child in a year or two, and he ultimately cheated on his wife and has had multiple women living with him. He got a substantial inheritance when his father (aunt's husband) died back in 2010, but blew through all that. They're separated, not divorced. Woman and little boy have been bouncing around between her parents and my aunt, but seems to be settling with my aunt. Who knows if and when she'll leave. She is not low income, maybe making $40,000/year. The condo is only 2BR, so it's not practical for my grandmother, aunt, daughter-in-law, and little boy to all be there together.

Nothing has been done with the house to make it easier to sell or at least better for her to live in. Grandmother has been looking at some properties, but is finding nothing. She wants something single level with a drive in garage. Townhome or maybe a small house. We don't expect her house to get more than $120,000 and there is just nothing around here at that price range that she wants. She's unwilling to do even a small mortgage so we're essentially at an impasse.

My aunt is losing her job no later than the first of the year. She has been there for 33 years. She is getting a year's severance, but is only 56 and not ready to retire. She is not planning on leaving this area. She isn't even looking right now, knows she's gone, and is just waiting on the severance. Personally, I'd rather have the steady job offer (if it's decent) than to bide time and hoping I can find something after my severance.

My job is also up in the air - a decision about a merger involving my employer is due to be announced today. While there are no mention of cuts yet, given that our department is slow, I haven't been here long, and we are fairly well paid, I could see us being easy back office staff to cut. My dad got a better job that was about $10/hr more than what he was making with a shorter commute, so that helps. My mom is still completely absent in this entire process.

I'm still getting the groceries, and am now paying most of grandmother's bills and balancing the checkbook. Grandfather always did the bills and aunt had been, but she has a lot on her plate as well. Fortunately, I've set up all the previous paper bills to be paid online, and have online banking setup. That's in addition to mowing and cleaning.

I'm getting extremely frustrated with mom. She has barely done anything to help out through this entire process. When she gets home after work, she basically lays in her chair addled watching HGTV until bedtime. She does none of the shopping, none of the laundry, no cooking, no help with the five cats, absolutely nothing. I am working a lot harder being back here than I ever did in Indiana. The mowing is finally starting to slow down, but I am basically shopping for two households, cleaning two households, doing laundry for four, taking care of five cats, managing my bills plus everything for grandmother, I have an over 40 hr/week job, etc. Frankly, I'm getting burnt out and don't have a lot of time for my own personal/social life with all these chores and family obligations.

I am not sure what grandmother is going to do long term, but I don't think she really understands the reality of the situation aunt and me are in. Aunt is facing definite job loss, I'm facing a possibly to IMO somewhat likely job loss over the next six to twelve months if this goes through. The economy around here remains poor. I cannot sacrifice a career to make $12-$15/hr to remain here. While it is nice having family around, I have not been that happy moving back. When they say "you can't go home again," I think there is truth to it. Most of my friends that were here when I last lived here are gone or married with kids themselves. I'm a stranger in my hometown. Given my on call/after hours work responsibilities, I am not even enjoying the stuff the area does offer like good outdoor recreation. There's always some other demand on my time.

If my aunt and I have to move, grandmother is going to have to come to terms with the fact she may have to go to assisted living or mom will have to step up some. We cannot keep this up indefinitely.
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Old 09-19-2017, 09:33 AM
5,402 posts, read 6,555,791 times
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I really do feel for you SC. My suggestion would be to read through Katherine of Aragon's posts about setting boundaries with her mother. That is kind of where you are, assuming your job and location remain the same. Good luck
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Old 09-22-2017, 01:10 AM
Location: A State of Mind
5,260 posts, read 2,099,532 times
Reputation: 4867
OH, my...I happened to see this and I also feel for what you are going through. There is just a bit much for all involved and it is out-of-balance for you, between your own and your grandmother's issues. Yes, I think she needs to know that this is coming down to the wire and has little choice to do what is best for her and all involved. (You bring up what we will all need to deal with, in some way or another).

Just to mention, I eventually developed severe Osteoarthritis in one knee (after injuring years ago) and have had Cortisone shots within the past so many years which helped (and another treatment that did not). It's also bone- on-bone, no cartilage. Now amazingly, since I began using Supplements during the past year or so - Glucosamine or a "Joint Health" combination, (besides my regular vitamins), it has actually helped, walking around more freely.

I know that seems so simplified and is never necessarily the same for all since everyone's condition varies, but is just a suggestion. (I have wanted to avoid surgery for different reasons). I also wear an elastic sleeve on it for support when having to go out. I am just surprised that I am able to move around more normally, having less pain, not that it is not somewhat limited. I cannot put all of my weight on that leg and avoid stairs to prevent putting pressure upon, sleep with a pillow between my knees, do some leg stretches. (I've not yet used a walker or cane). I feel more like I did when younger.

This all becomes such a concern for everyone since physical and lifestyle changes are inevitable. I am worried about the future myself, eliminating more items, trying to make other plans and also for my sister who is not taking planning seriously, which is frustrating (and is a bit of a hoarder), so I PANIC thinking about what could occur, ultimately. 😳

Anyway, I hope that you will be able to manage this stressful situation, which requires such strength. Good luck with it all.
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Old 09-22-2017, 01:18 PM
2,215 posts, read 746,282 times
Reputation: 1376
You're frustrated that others won't help. But you're doing all the work regardless if they help or not so why should they help ?
Think about that.

Your grandmother doesn't need to do anything but call you every time something happens and you're on the way to her house.

As long as you stay in the picture doing all the work for everyone nothing will change.
As long as you constantly come to their rescue nothing will change.

You may think you're helping everyone here but what if you're not helping ? What if what you are doing is enabling these bad behaviors and inaction by your family members ?

They call it "tough love" for a reason.
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