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Ten to twelve years ago, the couple next door to them (who would be 90-100 now) got sick too. Wife ended up being diagnosed with cancer in 2003-2004 and died a couple years later. Soon after mom died, the kids, none of whom live in Tennessee now, came down and "put pop in the nursing home." Instead of calling Salvation Army or other charities to see what could be donated/saved, they had Waste Management bring out a dumpster and pretty much dumpstered their parents' lives within a week or so of his being put in the nursing home, and the house went up for sale. A man in my office bought the house.
They did let the neighbors and church members "take what they want" (we took the couch, which I hauled to Indiana with me and dumpstered it on the move back - ). I had dealt with plenty of older relatives dying, but virtually all of them lived in the area and there was always someone to "wind down" the estate in an orderly fashion, and usually the better items were kept by other family members, sold, etc. I guess "your life being dumpstered" is inevitable in some cases, but was really shocking to see the speed and seemingly the lack of care taken in that case.
We aren't to that point with my grandmother, but the garage is probably half-packed with boxes floor to ceiling. Before his health got worse, he had a large garden and canned a lot of vegetables - I'm sure there are 10-15 year old canned beans in the pile of boxes. That all needs to be gone through and see what has value/might be used, and what is trash. He has probably 100 VHS tapes in his downstairs den, which hasn't really been touched since he died. No one goes down there now, and it needs to be cleaned out.
It's more things like that, going through stuff that is obsolete, in storage, or clearly unused, rather than just disposing of things en masse.
Grandfather had mobility issues himself for years, and had his first heart attack back in the early 80s when he was around 50. He lived to 77 and died in 2009, but the last five years or so were awful with frequent hospital trips, and the last year was basically in and out of a nursing home. When he died, he was actually doing well and had gotten let out of a nursing home shortly before - it was a Saturday and I mowed and had lunch with them - he collapsed on the bedroom floor and died a few days later in the hospital.
Until the last year, she pretty much cared for him at home by herself, as he was at times either (sometimes both) unwilling or unable to do basic things like get himself out of bed, shower, etc. I definitely think those five or so years of caregiving before he died wore her down physically.
He retired in 1993 at 62, but seemed so much older than my dad who is 60 now and uncle who will be 62 in November. Unfortunately, he did nothing on the house to make it more accommodating for older/less mobile people.
We are in the same situation in our family. No one wants used furniture, and even the charities are getting quite picky about what they want/accept. We are giving things to friends/family and neighbors who can use them rather then getting pennies on the dollar or adding to the landfill. The rest will be cleaned up and taken out by a business that does that before the house is sold in the spring.
And yes, after Dad died we too put our Mom in a CCCR near my sister and she was moved in a month from assisted living to a nursing care unit. We felt she needed nursing care from the start but were happy assisted living was at least given a chance. You are being overly judgemental on how the family handled their parents estate and took care of their mother. Looking from the outside without full knowledge of a situation is a lot easier than being on the inside.
Living far from parents doesn't allow most people the luxury of an orderly winding down of an estate. Many can't spend weeks or months away from family and work to handle an estate when living far away. Charities set their own schedules for pick ups and garage/estate sales take time and energy that may not be available. People do the best they can.
As far as a life being dumpstered, it really is just stuff and I see no disrespect when people aren't attached to other family member's plethora of things.
We are in the same situation in our family. No one wants used furniture, and even the charities are getting quite picky about what they want/accept. We are giving things to friends/family and neighbors who can use them rather then getting pennies on the dollar or adding to the landfill. The rest will be cleaned up and taken out by a business that does that before the house is sold in the spring.
And yes, after Dad died we too put our Mom in a CCCR near my sister and she was moved in a month from assisted living to a nursing care unit. We felt she needed nursing care from the start but were happy assisted living was at least given a chance. You are being overly judgemental on how the family handled their parents estate and took care of their mother. Looking from the outside without full knowledge of a situation is a lot easier than being on the inside.
Living far from parents doesn't allow most people the luxury of an orderly winding down of an estate. Many can't spend weeks or months away from family and work to handle an estate when living far away. Charities set their own schedules for pick ups and garage/estate sales take time and energy that may not be available. People do the best they can.
As far as a life being dumpstered, it really is just stuff and I see no disrespect when people aren't attached to other family member's plethora of things.
I totally agree with this post. It's easy to judge until you have been there. My mother-in-law was an organized hoarder who refused to leave her home until she fell and had to go to a nursing home. When she died a few months later I ordered a driveway-sized dumpster and an eight member crew of family spent four days cleaning out the house and filling it to the brim. People think they can donate everything but most items are worthless for resale and if you do donate you are just causing charities to spend money disposing of your garbage. Older generations really took advantage of collecting things as most items made after 1970 were cheap and plenty. It may seem cold and heartless but it's all just stuff that younger generations don't want or need. And it's good to remember that your loved one enjoyed their stuff while they lived even if it has no value now. My mother died and my father still lives in their 3600 square foot packed house and I know that when the time comes we will do the same thing. Younger people don't want old "collectible" dolls, figurines, heavy entertainment centers, clunky couches, etc.
I totally agree with this post. It's easy to judge until you have been there. My mother-in-law was an organized hoarder who refused to leave her home until she fell and had to go to a nursing home. When she died a few months later I ordered a driveway-sized dumpster and an eight member crew of family spent four days cleaning out the house and filling it to the brim. People think they can donate everything but most items are worthless for resale and if you do donate you are just causing charities to spend money disposing of your garbage. Older generations really took advantage of collecting things as most items made after 1970 were cheap and plenty. It may seem cold and heartless but it's all just stuff that younger generations don't want or need. And it's good to remember that your loved one enjoyed their stuff while they lived even if it has no value now. My mother died and my father still lives in their 3600 square foot packed house and I know that when the time comes we will do the same thing. Younger people don't want old "collectible" dolls, figurines, heavy entertainment centers, clunky couches, etc.
Absolutely.
We are in FL with a house in NY and snowbirded until we really aren't using the NY house very much. I took the things I wanted with the move to FL and plan on dumpstering the rest of my NY life. The split of living in two places has allowed me to clearly see things for what they are and more importantly, what they are not.
I totally agree with this post. It's easy to judge until you have been there. My mother-in-law was an organized hoarder who refused to leave her home until she fell and had to go to a nursing home. When she died a few months later I ordered a driveway-sized dumpster and an eight member crew of family spent four days cleaning out the house and filling it to the brim. People think they can donate everything but most items are worthless for resale and if you do donate you are just causing charities to spend money disposing of your garbage. Older generations really took advantage of collecting things as most items made after 1970 were cheap and plenty. It may seem cold and heartless but it's all just stuff that younger generations don't want or need. My mother died and my father still lives in their 3600 square foot packed house and I know that when the time comes we will do the same thing. Younger people don't want old "collectible" dolls, figurines, heavy entertainment centers, clunky couches, etc.
Grandfather bought a record player in an oak cabinet years ago. The thing is about waist high and probably well over 100 pounds. They always thought it was rare, so I found a model number and Googled it - it's a common model worth about $150.
I'm sure that it is long since obsolete as a record player - maybe it could be gutted and fitted with modern technology by a hobbyist, but it is more of a nuisance than it's worth.
Grandfather bought a record player in an oak cabinet years ago. The thing is about waist high and probably well over 100 pounds. They always thought it was rare, so I found a model number and Googled it - it's a common model worth about $150.
I'm sure that it is long since obsolete as a record player - maybe it could be gutted and fitted with modern technology by a hobbyist, but it is more of a nuisance than it's worth.
My town has a record store that sells various new and antique record players. You never know.
I took a hard look at my numbers at age 50 and made the life changes then to line things up for retirement. I bought a small 992 square foot single level house in a relatively low property tax town where I wanted to be with good services, remodeled it to my taste so it wouldn't need anything major in my lifetime, and focused on building wealth to retire comfortably.
At this point, I'm almost 59. I have a paid-for roof over my head. I have sufficient wealth that I'm more or less at median household income for the rest of my life if I never work again. I would prefer a more affluent lifestyle when I retire so I plan to keep working for a while but my worst case is pretty comfortable.
I don't think having someone tell me that I need to "downsize" now because it is going to be a lot of trouble for others when I'm dead would motivate me.
So sorry you are having to put in 5 hours a week.
!
This is the attitude I do not understand. I hope I never get this stubborn when I get older. Expecting relatives to clean out your house after you die is a huge imposition. Letting them clean it out while you are there is also an imposition, but they can at least do it on their own free time AND you can tell them what items have meaning to you or your family history. What's the point of keeping the dead husband's basement "collection" -- it won't bring him back.
And there is a difference between not wanting to downsize while you are still able to take care of it all yourself, and being told to downsize (and eliminate stairs, etc) when 3 people in your family are having their own lives disrupted week after week, month after month, doing all the things you can no longer do. Treating family like servants is not being independent.
My town has a record store that sells various new and antique record players. You never know.
It's a nice piece of furniture, but not the antique/rare item they thought it was. Maybe someone would buy it. She's willing to part with it, so I stuck it on craigslist several years back with no interest.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GeoffD
I took a hard look at my numbers at age 50 and made the life changes then to line things up for retirement. I bought a small 992 square foot single level house in a relatively low property tax town where I wanted to be with good services, remodeled it to my taste so it wouldn't need anything major in my lifetime, and focused on building wealth to retire comfortably.
At this point, I'm almost 59. I have a paid-for roof over my head. I have sufficient wealth that I'm more or less at median household income for the rest of my life if I never work again. I would prefer a more affluent lifestyle when I retire so I plan to keep working for a while but my worst case is pretty comfortable.
Their house is probably a little bigger than yours. Taxes are about $500/yr. What I don't understand is that he was having issues getting around since the mid-2000s. I don't know if they just never looked into doing some modifications to the house, ignored it, or what, but those little things then would make it a lot more manageable for her today.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ansible90
This is the attitude I do not understand. I hope I never get this stubborn when I get older. Expecting relatives to clean out your house after you die is a huge imposition. Letting them clean it out while you are there is also an imposition, but they can at least do it on their own free time AND you can tell them what items have meaning to you or your family history. What's the point of keeping the dead husband's basement "collection" -- it won't bring him back.
And there is a difference between not wanting to downsize while you are still able to take care of it all yourself, and being told to downsize (and eliminate stairs, etc) when 3 people in your family are having their own lives disrupted week after week, month after month, doing all the things you can no longer do. Treating family like servants is not being independent.
If people have gotten the impression that they are hoarders or something, they're not. The house has stuff in it that needs to go, but they've been in it for forty years. Given the time they've been there, it's probably not that much really. The other set of grandparents are much, much worse in terms of hoarding/junk, but they also have five children, and two of my aunts on that side are not even 50 yet.
Her knee seems to be giving more trouble, and that's making it harder to get around and do basic errands. My aunt is also widowed, but she also helps take care of her step-grandson (her stepson cheated on his wife and the wife has full custody, but is low income), isn't in the best health herself, and is likely to be laid off soon. My mother is too obese and cannot even get her own groceries and stuff without dad's help, so she's of no help really.
Aunt and I really just wish she'd be more accommodating of our schedules and what times we can do things.
Last edited by Serious Conversation; 02-17-2017 at 11:17 AM..
My mom moved from a large house to a small condo 17 years ago. Worked out great, never looked back.
It helps that she's not a pack rat at all. My wife on the other hand... what's Waste Management's phone number??
I totally agree with this post. It's easy to judge until you have been there. My mother-in-law was an organized hoarder who refused to leave her home until she fell and had to go to a nursing home. When she died a few months later I ordered a driveway-sized dumpster and an eight member crew of family spent four days cleaning out the house and filling it to the brim. People think they can donate everything but most items are worthless for resale and if you do donate you are just causing charities to spend money disposing of your garbage. Older generations really took advantage of collecting things as most items made after 1970 were cheap and plenty. It may seem cold and heartless but it's all just stuff that younger generations don't want or need. And it's good to remember that your loved one enjoyed their stuff while they lived even if it has no value now. My mother died and my father still lives in their 3600 square foot packed house and I know that when the time comes we will do the same thing. Younger people don't want old "collectible" dolls, figurines, heavy entertainment centers, clunky couches, etc.
Same experience here. My mother was still alive when we had to clear the house out for sale (owned over 50 years). It was very painful for her (and us) to have to dispose of loved items. We ended up taking large amounts of furniture (beautiful but heavy to transport), sterling, crystal, kitchen things and other items that eventually I will have to deal with. One of my children is interested luckily. Not ideal but Mom had to deal with her husband's death and the loss of her home at the same time so we tried to make it easier for her.
We had to beg to have upholstered furniture donated and had to work with the one place that would take it when they had a truck available (no big donation places in her area). My mother was horrified to see her friend's possessions out on their front lawns in garage sales after they died so she wanted everything donated, nothing sold. Some helpful neighbors of hers had kids who needed the microwave, printer, tools, lawn stuff, etc. so that helped.
Also so true that many collectibles or things even from the 1920-40s and on are pretty worthless - we had a family friend in the business come to assess and he said the market has virtually disappeared for these items. Young people don't want it at all. Pottery Barn and IKEA are their go-to places.
We spent over 10k over several months going back and forth over 1,000 miles hauling things back home and working on the house. I plan to be much more prepared for the sake of my kids. Once you go through it, you learn some hard lessons.
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). I had dealt with plenty of older relatives dying, but virtually all of them lived in the area and there was always someone to "wind down" the estate in an orderly fashion, and usually the better items were kept by other family members, sold, etc. I guess "your life being dumpstered" is inevitable in some cases, but was really shocking to see the speed and seemingly the lack of care taken in that case.
