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Old 02-17-2017, 07:11 AM
 
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It is interesting how different we all are. Some of us seriously try to honor the commitment until death do we part. We often struggle through the bad times that often overwhelm the good times. Others move on when times turn bad. I am not sure who is happier in the long run.
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Old 02-17-2017, 07:18 AM
 
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I personally don't want to run when times are bad, but I don't want to overstay my welcome either.

It's a balancing act and it usually comes down to whether or not we are are generally more positive within a relationship or more negative.

Those who live in a perpetually negative atmosphere are usually unhappy.
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Old 02-17-2017, 07:25 AM
 
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I don't need to live in your shoes. You have made your choice. Others might choose differently. I don't want to make one choice sound better than another.
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Old 02-17-2017, 07:44 AM
 
Location: equator
3,436 posts, read 1,531,248 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jrkliny View Post
It does not sound like your friend is asking for advice. But if she does:


First it seems that she is in a loveless but not otherwise a bad marriage. I wonder whose fault that is. With two tries at marriage, there is not likely to be a third. If so, it is not likely to be any more successful than the others. So maybe this marriage is worth some effort. The passion of youth is not likely but the marriage can still become one of mutual support and comfort and even adventure.


If staying in the marriage is not going to work for your friend, there is another caution. She can pack it in and move on to a more fulfilling life, BUT she should do so on her own. She should avoid glomming on to her kids and grandkids. They have their own lives. They don't need to try to support an old woman with emotional issues. She needs to live more fully on her own.

You never know. I'm on my third and we were both 50. I didn't opt for the "A" personality, secret megalomaniac this time. Much more peaceful and I'd call it successful. But I imagine it would be a different story at 63. But who knows.


Yes, to not glomming on to the kids/grandkids. I moved once, when single, to another state where my extended family was. They warned me "You know, we really don't get together hardly ever, so don't be expecting that. We all have our own lives." It was sound advice, I rarely saw them. But a fun adventure anyway.


This is a hard age to make such a change, and I applaud anyone considering it. If she could just get a separation for awhile, they could both have a trial run at being single. Why not.
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Old 02-17-2017, 08:03 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,579 posts, read 17,561,360 times
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Keep in mind we don't know if the "much older man" has significant assets or not. If he is wealthy, she may very well want to wait until he dies. Money is always going to impact decisions.

My 61 year old uncle has been going through something similar. He told his wife of fifteen years he wanted out on Christmas Eve 2011. He cheated on his first wife (a teacher of his in high school - yes, they were fooling around then) with the second - about thirty years difference between the two. He ended up marrying his dog's trainer, divorced her, remarried her, then divorced her again in December. Since then, he's been going through a merry-go-round of sugarbabies in their late teens-early 20s. He got rid of one last week when she wanted him to buy her a car. Losses in alimony, child support, homes for the ex-wives, etc., are going to be at least a million dollars from 2011-2021.

He clearly has no clue and does not seem to understand that at 62, most people are trying to settle down. He's been going through women almost obsessively and is likely a sex addict. He finally went to a psychiatrist this week. He's pretty much alienated his daughters, and all the issues with women are getting back to his employees and clients.

When people go off the rails, it's likely to get messy.
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Old 02-17-2017, 08:16 AM
 
Location: Port Charlotte FL
1,069 posts, read 633,460 times
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no sense in worrying about it..at this stage in life, the reaper will be here sooner rather than later..eat, drink and be merry..if you're not happy with what ya got in life by now, you probably ain't gonna get it..
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Old 02-17-2017, 08:36 AM
 
Location: Close to an earthquake
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If this is my final quarter, 4th down and 25 or so to do, I'll run a play, rather than punt, and hope I don't fumble.
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Old 02-17-2017, 09:09 AM
 
13,319 posts, read 25,558,234 times
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My friend's husband is 76 and she finds him physically repulsive and he is more than raring to go. I don't think she was ever overly attracted to him, but was responding to her own feelings that he was her last chance, etc., coming from depression and low self-esteem. Fortunately, she tells him that her lack of response is menopausal, not personal, and that could be true for men and women with health and aging problems

They have some sort of pre-nup (he owns a business) and I gather she is at least somewhat taken care of in case of a breakup. I agree that it's dicey to move somewhere for one's adult children or grandchildren but it would work neatly for her to leave the husband to do so. Hub will not leave Hawaii and will not even fly anywhere for anything. I think she'd be happier without this tepid marriage and major distance from grown children/grandchildren. I do think that her excitement about the grandchild feels like "full life" when compared to this tepid and non-communicative marriage. I will endeavor to stay neutral, though, especially because it is so easy to be misunderstood in electronic communication.

if I were my friend, I wouldn't be in her position. Despite my own experience with depression (and romantic addiction, way back when) I simply would never have married when in such a low mood or felt like I had to be married for any reason. As for finances, I've long said, when it comes to men, I just wanna break even!
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Old 02-17-2017, 09:18 AM
 
6,313 posts, read 5,053,602 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brightdoglover View Post
My friend's husband is 76 and she finds him physically repulsive and he is more than raring to go. I don't think she was ever overly attracted to him, but was responding to her own feelings that he was her last chance, etc., coming from depression and low self-esteem. Fortunately, she tells him that her lack of response is menopausal, not personal, and that could be true for men and women with health and aging problems

They have some sort of pre-nup (he owns a business) and I gather she is at least somewhat taken care of in case of a breakup. I agree that it's dicey to move somewhere for one's adult children or grandchildren but it would work neatly for her to leave the husband to do so. Hub will not leave Hawaii and will not even fly anywhere for anything. I think she'd be happier without this tepid marriage and major distance from grown children/grandchildren. I do think that her excitement about the grandchild feels like "full life" when compared to this tepid and non-communicative marriage. I will endeavor to stay neutral, though, especially because it is so easy to be misunderstood in electronic communication.

if I were my friend, I wouldn't be in her position. Despite my own experience with depression (and romantic addiction, way back when) I simply would never have married when in such a low mood or felt like I had to be married for any reason. As for finances, I've long said, when it comes to men, I just wanna break even!
Well, that was a terrible reason for her to marry this poor guy. She needs to work on herself, but gee - at 63 - hope she can find what she is looking for.

I'm sure the physically repulsive husband can get along fine without her. If you love someone, they can never be physically repulsive.
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Old 02-17-2017, 10:15 AM
 
13,319 posts, read 25,558,234 times
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^^^^
My thoughts exactly as above.
If you're attracted to the person, it's a well-rounded attraction. I'm sure all of us have seen or known a hot hunky or beautiful person or date or partner, but to me, it's like seeing a beautiful animal- nice to look at, but if I don't feel a rounded attraction, no go. Some people become more attractive as you know them, some become less so.

My friend is in therapy (paid for courtesy of husband, who covers everything). I am thinking and working on my email response to her because it has set off my own existential questions (thanks, Stealth!) as to what "living fully" means. And I'm sure most married people have woken up some days (or many days) and wondered,what have I done. In my mind, that's the days the vows are for,and I take it as my duty as a wedding guest to remind a bride or groom of that. I didn't attend friend's second wedding (first one was abusive and she stayed in way too long) and I am full to time right now to think about,well, what I think.
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