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Old 02-17-2017, 11:21 AM
 
3,972 posts, read 3,281,892 times
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It seems to be a no brainer that most of us would prefer to have all of our baggage taken care of by sixty. The salad days of inexperience allowing for poor choices are supposed to be behind us at some point in our aging. The woman referenced in the OP is more than likely going to grow old in a quagmire of her own doing. We can survive some poor choices in employment, or where we live, what car to buy, etc, but poor choices in friends or spouses seem to have a far more damaging aspect to them.

This "last quarter" of life should be a time for some honest reflection, a time to take stock of our relationships, and celebrate the fact that we took the time, and often enough, the money, to cultivate those lasting bonds between people. We've become accustomed to avoiding the consequences of our poor choices by simply abandoning the circumstances of said choices by making more-- but different choices. Ignoring the very real signs of a potential poor choice is the most common path to making such blunders, but the consequences aren't so easily ignored once you're tied to another's life.

People will want to make this story about the relationship, but it is really about the choices one makes, and the fact that poor outcomes are most always a reflection of the person, not the circumstances created by those poor decisions. Few things in life can equal the sad predicament of an older person whose life story is a tale of self made turmoil, coupled with the inevitable health problems, amid a suffering loneliness. They can be pitied from afar, but on closer scrutiny we see their own hand in that turmoil and as a result, feel less compassion. Their lives are are filled with remorse, but there is usually an ever present denial also. I've long felt that a peaceful life will be rewarded, and the more peace I can create, the more content I seem to be.

Tony Robbins is coming to the NW soon, and the auditorium will be filled with people wanting to give Tony two grand for the back breaking task of telling them how stupid or thoughtless they've been. Castigating for profit, Tony knows his audience well, he makes a huge sum of money off of people who seem to be totally indecisive, or at the very least unable to make good decisions. There is a certain pathos in this charlatans "work," people who are content in their own skin don't waste money on Tony's blather, they'd rather take a friend to lunch, do some rewarding volunteering, take a hike, read a book----They've already made their lives rich, instead of Tony...
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Old 02-17-2017, 11:26 AM
 
4,653 posts, read 6,506,170 times
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Here's the answer to all problems. We could die today or tomorrow. We don't know when. Recently a friend of mine passed. One day he was teaching in class. The next moment his heart is racing. Taken to hospital and they put him on a machine for life support. In short due to other complications about 2 weeks later he died at age 50.

When you have more time behind you than you have in front of you it's time to start living. Try to live as happy as you can as long as you can. No one gets out of this life alive and the after life is based on hope...
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Old 02-17-2017, 03:13 PM
 
Location: Chicago area
14,449 posts, read 7,972,039 times
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Wow so many sad stories Turning 60 was very difficult for me but only because I have a great life and have been with the love of my life for over thirty years. It depresses me to think that there is just so little time left for us to be together. If my gene pool has it's way I will be gone in about 4 years. I can't wrap my head around that. Hopefully my healthy lifestyle will buy me another 20 years, which still isn't enough. Is this the last quarter or was that years ago? No one knows for sure. I've always tried to fill my life with fun and joy and when that stops? Well it's time to go. Right now I'm far from ready to leave, nor am I just sitting around waiting for it to happen.
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Old 02-17-2017, 03:27 PM
 
1,190 posts, read 665,620 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tulippsy View Post
Today is my 60th birthday. I left my husband of three years yesterday. It was important to me to begin my seventh decade on my own. I can't imagine staying in such a situation as the OP's friend, unless she truly has no other choice. But then, we always have a choice, don't we?

I retired early because my husband made a very good living, and my job as a flight attendant was becoming increasingly difficult with my back problems. Things were heavenly, then life went awry and after a series of personal and professional crises, he became depressed, was overmedicated by his psychiatrist, fainted and fractured his skull, complete with bleeding on the brain. He now is a completely different person, and not a happy one. We have tried everything, couples therapy with a therapist who specializes in brain injury, moving to a quiet, peaceful part of the country, you name it. We are both devastated that we can't stay together, but I can no longer subsume my own desire to be happy and yes, enjoy the final quarter of my life by staying with a person who now is unable to accept our new reality and be grateful for what we still have.

It will be difficult for both of us. But I have to take responsibility for my own happiness and that means we can no longer continue living under the same roof. I am hoping he will consider some sort of alternative marriage where we can live separately but visit often, but he wasn't too receptive. I have no idea what will happen. But I DO know this - It was the right thing to do and I am so ready to be happy, it's already leaking out of me! Blessings!
Tim Burton the Movie Director & Helena Bonham Carter (actress) lived in two seperate homes which are somehow connected. I believe the entire time of their marriage until their divorce a few yrs ago. I am sorry this happened to you and your husband.
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Old 02-17-2017, 03:37 PM
 
6,806 posts, read 1,428,930 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jghorton View Post
"Life is what happens while one is preparing to do something else" (unknown)
JUST FYI --

Life Is What Happens While We're Not Checking Facts | The Huffington Post

QUOTE FROM THE ARTICLE: -- my italics:

"Fact-checking has never been more accessible to the average person, even though Google and other search engines are sometimes alarmingly wrong. But who wants to dig? Take for instance one of my favorite quotations, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans,” which is mistakenly and repeatedly attributed to the late John Lennon, who was killed on December 8, 1980.

"It’s true that Lennon worked the phrase into his lovely song “Beautiful Boy,” but he didn’t come up with it, despite what Google says — over and over again. So who coined it? According to the Yale Book of Quotations editor Fred R. Shapiro, the origin is attributed to writer and cartoonist Allen Saunders. A variation of the quote, “Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans,” was published in Reader’s Digest in January 1957, when Lennon was 17.
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Old 02-18-2017, 02:53 AM
 
Location: R.I.
1,007 posts, read 615,259 times
Reputation: 4377
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tulippsy View Post
Today is my 60th birthday. I left my husband of three years yesterday. It was important to me to begin my seventh decade on my own. I can't imagine staying in such a situation as the OP's friend, unless she truly has no other choice. But then, we always have a choice, don't we?

I retired early because my husband made a very good living, and my job as a flight attendant was becoming increasingly difficult with my back problems. Things were heavenly, then life went awry and after a series of personal and professional crises, he became depressed, was overmedicated by his psychiatrist, fainted and fractured his skull, complete with bleeding on the brain. He now is a completely different person, and not a happy one. We have tried everything, couples therapy with a therapist who specializes in brain injury, moving to a quiet, peaceful part of the country, you name it. We are both devastated that we can't stay together, but I can no longer subsume my own desire to be happy and yes, enjoy the final quarter of my life by staying with a person who now is unable to accept our new reality and be grateful for what we still have.

It will be difficult for both of us. But I have to take responsibility for my own happiness and that means we can no longer continue living under the same roof. I am hoping he will consider some sort of alternative marriage where we can live separately but visit often, but he wasn't too receptive. I have no idea what will happen. But I DO know this - It was the right thing to do and I am so ready to be happy, it's already leaking out of me! Blessings!
Happy 60th birthday. I myself turned 60 on the 12th. Sorry to hear about your husband's situation. I work with many patients that have had TBIs and hear often from their spouses of the drastic personality changes that evolved following these brain injuries. One patient in particular was a very low key guy prior to his brain injury and following began to become very verbally abusive towards his spouse which I witnessed first hand. Despite every of intervention being employed none would quell this patient's abusive outbursts which eventually led to his spouse divorcing him.

Sounds like you have done everything humanly possible to try to remedy this awful situation to no avail, and I truly hope for you that this difficult decision you have had to make will deliver you a peaceful joyful existence for this next chapter of your life.
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Old 02-18-2017, 03:53 AM
 
12,863 posts, read 14,158,692 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brightdoglover View Post
I realize that 6-0 was the only birthday where the number really mattered to me. (I'm now almost 64, hope to retire next year). At 60, generally we are in the final quarter of our lives. "This stuff means business!"....Sixty plus. The last quarter. Thoughts?
No advice or opinions about your friend. But, yeah, at sixty I do think major ducks should be in a row, because we are surely boarding the train for Big D and that doesn't stand for Dallas. And unfortunately your ticket doesn't say whether its and express or a local.

Financially and in health mine were not because of an accident. I spent about six years and lots and lots of psychological sweat trying to get things into a manageable shape by that magic date. Fortunately, I had already gotten quite a few major aspects of my life in balance, which really helped.

Finally, I was sixty-one when I boarded a plane for Europe with two suitcases on my way to emigrating from the U.S. and re-starting my life elsewhere...so I almost got in under the wire.
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Old 02-18-2017, 04:32 AM
 
Location: Backwoods of Maine
7,126 posts, read 8,188,109 times
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Hmmm. I've been in a position to observe and discuss all this with two other men who live on my land in their own homes. Neither one had anywhere else to go, and still don't. One is my own brother, 67, who married at 22 and was literally thrown out of his own home at age 62, and divorced. He's just settling down from that, now.

The other one is my wife's brother, age 72, never married but quite the ladies man back in the day. After heart surgery about ten years ago, he ended up penniless.

Of the two of them, my wife's brother is doing better. He's out doing carpentry jobs, hunting, fishing, boating, and exploring the NH land that he, my brother and I recently purchased for all of us. He's out there with his chainsaw, making a trail into the land, wide enough for a truck to get through. He's the oldest of us, and the one who's living life on his own terms, and having a blast!

My own brother is still looking for another woman. After 40 years of marriage, he seemingly cannot cope with being without one. He visits his kids and grandkids, and has tried to get them to help him get back with his ex-wife, to no avail. He is definitely NOT having a blast in life.

Me? I've been married 43 years to the same woman. She has been my love and my life's inspiration! I can only hope that I will be the first to pass, as I cannot imagine life without her. BTW, I have never divided my life into quarters or anything else. I just take it one day at a time, and will have no regrets if I live one more year, or twenty more (I'm 69).
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Old 02-18-2017, 09:26 AM
 
Location: Central NY
4,714 posts, read 3,278,488 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nor'Eastah View Post
Hmmm. I've been in a position to observe and discuss all this with two other men who live on my land in their own homes. Neither one had anywhere else to go, and still don't. One is my own brother, 67, who married at 22 and was literally thrown out of his own home at age 62, and divorced. He's just settling down from that, now.

The other one is my wife's brother, age 72, never married but quite the ladies man back in the day. After heart surgery about ten years ago, he ended up penniless.

Of the two of them, my wife's brother is doing better. He's out doing carpentry jobs, hunting, fishing, boating, and exploring the NH land that he, my brother and I recently purchased for all of us. He's out there with his chainsaw, making a trail into the land, wide enough for a truck to get through. He's the oldest of us, and the one who's living life on his own terms, and having a blast!

My own brother is still looking for another woman. After 40 years of marriage, he seemingly cannot cope with being without one. He visits his kids and grandkids, and has tried to get them to help him get back with his ex-wife, to no avail. He is definitely NOT having a blast in life.

Me? I've been married 43 years to the same woman. She has been my love and my life's inspiration! I can only hope that I will be the first to pass, as I cannot imagine life without her. BTW, I have never divided my life into quarters or anything else. I just take it one day at a time, and will have no regrets if I live one more year, or twenty more (I'm 69).

Thank you for writing this. It stirred something in me and I am sitting here with thoughts and feelings, but the words aren't coming to me. So I'll start from the first thought I've had for a while.

Almost 75, I live alone (w/2 cats). Why am I still here? What purpose do I serve? I miss family. I miss the bond and love you get and give in family. I am the last of family of origin. I have no relationship with my children.

Divorced 34 years. Two kids, no relationship. Life is passing, but I'm "stuck." I know I am not alone in these feelings. Many of us have gone through similar experiences. I am not able (my guess) to have a relationship with a man. A counselor suggested I have been hurt very badly by 3 important men in my life: father was a violent alcoholic; husband was emotionally cruel, cheater, and a sex predator. My son spent 5 years in prison for repeating the sins of his father. Daughter was victim of her father and acted out as I have learned the victims do. She is also close to her father and apparently hates me.

I know this is a pity-pot post. But it's where I'm at and what I'm struggling with. I believe there is more to life that I am missing but as I said earlier, I feel "stuck." I do take meds for depression and I've done counseling for many years. I'm in better shape than I used to be, and for that I am very grateful.
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Old 02-18-2017, 09:42 AM
 
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
1,827 posts, read 2,625,485 times
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I can't say what's right for your friend but I can tell you how I feel at 62. I'm finally comfortable in my own skin. From sixth grade on I dieted to be a size 6...screw it...I enjoy not struggling with weight. My life is filled with passion but it is related to my home, my dogs, my horses and living a life I always dreamed of. Lol I don't stay out late, I don't buy high heels and I live in the mountains/country and I love it (I grew up in NYC!) I have companionship from the opposite sex, I have great friends, a 12 year old convertible that I crank the music up and drive and sing on the most beautiful roads I've ever seen! Hay...do whatever floats your boat...we deserve it
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