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^^^^
My thought.
I do feel I've done the best I can to live fully (doing stuff and going places, going back to school, trying to find meaningful work) and have honorably failed to feel, well, fulfilled. I know I'm in my last quarter and when taking a genuine risk, there can be genuine loss. My last hurrah is moving to Colorado next year as I've always wanted to do that and I think I've thought it through pretty well, really well.
But so far, the thing that has meant the most to me has been rescuing dogs and having a home. Both of these I will continue in Colorado. These are quiet things. My co-workers (my community) have been so excited for me and I hear their dreams that they admit they are not going to get to live- too many family attachments, other choices predominate, etc. I am freer than they are, and less connected. I hope to learn to live in an active community as I have been unable to while working night shifts and watching people leave the area for cheaper living and warmer weather. I am really grateful for the internet, for discussion groups and distant friends. I think I couldn't move without it.
As ever, if someone is considering ending a relationship, I will remain neutral, and not be the bad guy should my friend decide opposite my opinion. I will point out to her where she has taken chances to live fully (what is riskier than marriage and children?!) and how I found in my life that taking a real risk can mean real loss in one way or the other. Always has and it increases when older.
Brighdoglover, it isn't entirely clear to me whether the discussion you had in mind about "living fully in the final quarter" (good, descriptive thread title, by the way) is centered around females who find themselves in a bad marriage, such as the example of your friend, or is perhaps intended to include others as well. Among people who may be facing the issue of living fully in the final quarter are males (both married and single), never-marrieds, widows and widowers, people who divorced long ago, etc.
It is a general, existential issue, in my opinion, an issue which can come up at any age but is more likely "in the final quarter" when we are less busy now that making a living is no longer center-stage and we therefore have more time to reflect on meaning and fulfillment.
Good point. I was thinking more existentially, triggered by my friend and her own questions about her marriage and living fully (her phrase).
I have always had these questions myself, but feel like, when I do the math of the final quarter, there is no "forever" ahead to fix or change some things. I remember, in fact, reading a poem about turning 30 by Katha Pollitt, where she asked (poetically) where was I on the day it changed, when everything was no longer possible? I call it "pin balling," where one decision is bounced out from the last one, like a pinball off bumpers. There are few clean shots in life, and we are not always able to use them when they appear.
I fully recognize the "First World problem" nature of questions of meaning. This week of recovering from surgery has made me remember how fortunate a life I've led, no matter what my choices. I have choices, have had them. Nice problem to have, and I know it.
Good point.... I remember, in fact, reading a poem about turning 30 by Katha Pollitt, where she asked (poetically) where was I on the day it changed, when everything was no longer possible?...
I fully recognize the "First World problem" nature of questions of meaning. This week of recovering from surgery has made me remember how fortunate a life I've led, no matter what my choices. I have choices, have had them. Nice problem to have, and I know it.
Wow. What a powerful question. I turn 65 in a couple of weeks, and still haven't hit 'that' day, nor ever pondered the thought.
Makes me realize how fortunate my life has been. Not from monetary perspectives, but DW and I are pretty rich in life-experiences. Decidedly, we have made some bone-head decisions chasing other peoples dreams, but even some bad choices uncovered some absolute delights that would not have emerged any other way. Maybe it's just that we always look for rainbows in storms, but somehow, we seem to find em'.
Regarding Risk in Change. Ruts in life can be comfortable or limiting. If a rut becomes tedious, a change of scene does and can effect dramatic change (and not surprisingly, will have good AND bad aspects). My advice here: look for rainbows until you settle into a better rut. I can tell you though, that stepping outside into clear air, and being surrounded by beauty is medicine that can't be bought with the best health-care systems in the world, at any cost. Between DW and myself, we have lived in 35 states over the course of our lives. Every place came with a unique set of challenges, which shaped who we ultimately became. All kidding aside, moving, and change is work, but with planning, we never made one change that didn't ultimately offer some upside to some aspect to life.
Life's final quarter always arrives faster than we want. Unfortunately, nobody can purchase or manufacture time, so finding ways to make moments count is one of our greatest gifts.
It does not sound like your friend is asking for advice. But if she does:
First it seems that she is in a loveless but not otherwise a bad marriage. I wonder whose fault that is. With two tries at marriage, there is not likely to be a third. If so, it is not likely to be any more successful than the others. So maybe this marriage is worth some effort. The passion of youth is not likely but the marriage can still become one of mutual support and comfort and even adventure.
If staying in the marriage is not going to work for your friend, there is another caution. She can pack it in and move on to a more fulfilling life, BUT she should do so on her own. She should avoid glomming on to her kids and grandkids. They have their own lives. They don't need to try to support an old woman with emotional issues. She needs to live more fully on her own.
I have lived my life very fully thus far. ... perhaps too fully in the past. I have a tendency to become bored a little too easily.
I hunger for adventure almost all of the time and that has not changed with age. I find adventure in whatever manner is available to me. At this point in my life I am fortunate enough to have a husband who is willing to be pulled along into those adventures. We have both worked toward owning a sailboat that we can travel around in during the summer months. The plan is to start going south for the winters in 5 years time. But, until then I have planned big and exciting trips for us to take.
As an example of the way in which I choose to continue having adventures as long as my old body will allow it .... when we bought our boat in October, we decided to sail it home by ourselves. Now for those of you who don't know anything about sailing, you don't take a 35' sailboat that you have never been on, with just two novice sailors, along the east coast of Nova Scotia in October. What was supposed to be a 50 hour trip turned into 9 days with some very harrowing weather which required emergency runs into whatever port we could find, finding our way through narrow passages at night with the aid of a flashlight, and a terrible bout of seasickness. It was one of the most exciting things I have ever done!
I say live your life as fully as you possibly can. This is not a dress rehearsal. Once you're gone .... you're gone. Since you have to be here anyway, you might as well have the time of your life!
My husband and I had a fairly turbulent first ten years. We are on the same page now and get along well.
I was absolutely miserable in WA state and now that we are in TX, we both love it. He went to through cancer issues before we relocated and I vowed to never leave him and I meant it.
Do we always get along? Nope. Sometimes I feel like I'm living with a room-mate, but we share enough to keep it interesting and I enjoy taking care of him. He does the same for me.
Today is my 60th birthday. I left my husband of three years yesterday. It was important to me to begin my seventh decade on my own. I can't imagine staying in such a situation as the OP's friend, unless she truly has no other choice. But then, we always have a choice, don't we?
I retired early because my husband made a very good living, and my job as a flight attendant was becoming increasingly difficult with my back problems. Things were heavenly, then life went awry and after a series of personal and professional crises, he became depressed, was overmedicated by his psychiatrist, fainted and fractured his skull, complete with bleeding on the brain. He now is a completely different person, and not a happy one. We have tried everything, couples therapy with a therapist who specializes in brain injury, moving to a quiet, peaceful part of the country, you name it. We are both devastated that we can't stay together, but I can no longer subsume my own desire to be happy and yes, enjoy the final quarter of my life by staying with a person who now is unable to accept our new reality and be grateful for what we still have.
It will be difficult for both of us. But I have to take responsibility for my own happiness and that means we can no longer continue living under the same roof. I am hoping he will consider some sort of alternative marriage where we can live separately but visit often, but he wasn't too receptive. I have no idea what will happen. But I DO know this - It was the right thing to do and I am so ready to be happy, it's already leaking out of me! Blessings!
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