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Old 02-16-2017, 05:26 PM
 
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I realize that 6-0 was the only birthday where the number really mattered to me. (I'm now almost 64, hope to retire next year). At 60, generally we are in the final quarter of our lives. "This stuff means business!"

Had a long email with a very old friend who is expecting her first grandchild, is drifting along in a late-in-life second marriage with a much older man, who she is not attracted to and appears to not overly like. There is little connection between them, conversation, interests, etc. She married twice while in the throes of low self-esteem and depression. She is giving more thought now to leaving him and "living more fully"- meaning moving to West Coast near her children and new grandchild, and yes, being free to date, although I don't think she has any more illusions about romance than we both did as roommates in 1974! I think we still do hope for some real connection with a man. I never married, never much saw the point, but did think there'd be more, well, false alarms, etc. than there have been.

I have never wanted to be looking at a lump over on the couch and think, "I don't like you. And you live here." Or thinking that for very long.

I recently had a hospital stay and felt like an orphan. No one to drive me home. Who is my closest relationship? My healthcare proxy's wife broke her shoulder the day I was supposed to go home. Some of that is the price of not having a close relationship or holding out for a pretty major connection and not having one.

So, the final quarter. I think my friend is doing the math (she is also 63) and there aren't any second chances for here on in. Should she stay in this tepid marriage and fantasize madly about this guy or that one? Should she devote the last quarter of her time here to a man she feels, at most, some minor compassion for (plus, he's wealthy, although she says that isn't the main factor).

Sixty plus. The last quarter. Thoughts?
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Old 02-16-2017, 05:36 PM
 
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As to the significant other relationship I see it as two parts. People get one, the other or both. There is the one that provides real connection to that one other being which is what most people think of, then there is the connection to the world that you get when paired; which is what the world expects, how it operates socially. You can be in a lifeless relationship of the first kind but being in that relationship gets you relationships with the paired world. Of course being widowed with children will get you more acceptance as will divorced with children and actively hoping/looking for the next relationship.
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Old 02-16-2017, 05:41 PM
 
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If your friend can live comfortably emotionally and financially without her significant other, I would support her desire to move to the West Coast without him to be near her children and grandchild, or to move elsewhere of her choice.

If she thinks she will be psychologically happier without her current significant other, then leaving him is probably okay.

I would not count on dating though. Although I'm sure some will disagree, women in their 60's as your friend is at age 63, are not particularly in demand. Plus it's difficult to meet available men unless perhaps one lives in senior housing or a 55+ community. Meeting men through interests does not always work, especially in one's mid-60's.
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Old 02-16-2017, 06:19 PM
 
Location: Close to an earthquake
890 posts, read 676,616 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brightdoglover View Post
I have never wanted to be looking at a lump over on the couch and think, "I don't like you. And you live here." Or thinking that for very long.

The last quarter. Thoughts?
For every man like the image you describe is an opposite sex counterpart also flopped on the couch with her king-sized fleshy triceps waddling while she speed-changes the TV channels with remote control in hand, and whose long-ago youthful feminine curves are hidden and submerged in her enormous lap and trunk.
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Old 02-16-2017, 06:44 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,729,443 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brightdoglover View Post
................... (plus, he's wealthy, although she says that isn't the main factor).

...................
Yeah, right!!!!
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Old 02-16-2017, 07:04 PM
 
Location: Prescott AZ
6,119 posts, read 9,073,863 times
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What are her goals and ambitions for the last quarter of her life?? What does she really feel passionate about, still, or what is it that moves her deeply? I will always be passionate about gardening, although in my 80s or 90s I probably won't be able to do it anymore. But I will continue to go to garden clubs, mill around the garden section of Home Depot, and buy gardening mags to read.

Everyone has something. She must have some desires she wants to fulfill. Surely wasting away in a boring non communicating marriage is senseless, regardless of how much cash the gentleman has.
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Old 02-16-2017, 07:14 PM
 
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I am facing what your friend is facing something like that with MOH.{My Other Half}. I am 53, MOH is 57.

I am no longer in love with MOH after MOH got caught cheating many many years ago and wanted an "open marriage", needing "spice and variety". The thing IS, we had a hot daily sex life with "variety", but "variety" meant OTHER PEOPLE to MOH, other than "which room/position should we do it in now"?

I agreed, as long as it didn't mean the end of our sex life. Well, it did. It meant the end of our marriage too, in all other ways, the lack of sex was just a symptom.

I put up with it for 10 years, then said "I've had enough"

two years ago, I said if MOH wanted our marriage to work, we'd need counseling and therapy, both of which MOH stopped going to. WHY? because it was MOH's fault our marriage was in trouble and MOH didn't want to admit it other than to acknowledge that "our problems are really my problems". I tried as 16 years is a long time to throw away.

I agreed 6 months ago with the therapist and MOH {for MOH's sake} to NOT file for divorce to give MOH time 'to change". HA. I said just last night over something "you aren't giving me any reason NOT to file divorce". I've been saying that a lot lately. Oh, it was something on tv about "being in love with each other still"...MOH said ":yes, we are still in love"...I said "no, I may have a love FOR you , but I'm not IN LOVE with you anymore. YOu haven't shown me any reason to NOT file divorce".

TWo years ago, I told MOH I was putting up my OWN dating site profiles to meet others. MOH siad "go ahead", but soon realized not Liking and could NOT handle that a "open marriage" worked BOTH WAYS, and that I had more contacts/fun than MOH ever did! people wanted ME more than they did MOH! MOH could NOT handle that!

I found out quickly I WAS attractive, fun, and enjoyable to be around and with, that I WAS "valued" by others, all the things MOH had made me feel I was NOT during those ten years. The depression {and two suicide attempts over MOH and our [lack of]} "marriage"} was gone!!!

I've also said if I stay with this marriage, it will be for comfort and convenience, NOT for love. I've said that repeatedly to my therapist AND MOH frequently lately. AS you said, OP, it IS nice to have that "other half" who can visit in the hospital, bring you home, be a "helpmeet". THAT I'd stay for the comfort and convenience.

THIS year is the year of ME. I am moving out of the bedroom, I am sopping all the chores I do around the house, setting myself up to be a sole individual again. I haven't yet found another human to "marry", but I am tired of being alone within THIS "marriage"!

I have some new friends {with "benefits"}!

I already spend all my time in the bonus room, while MOH stays in the living room, MOH DOES 'give me my space" when I "entertain" others.

BUT MOH does NOTHING around here, expects I should DO IT ALL. I'm lucky that MOH does just one chore...take out the garbage, but half the time leaves it for me to do.

MOH is lazy and a dreamer, and has always wanted the "life of riley', and someone to give MOH the money to do it with. SO MOH only barely works and sleeps. I don't need it anymore.
My therapist thinks MOH is depressed, probably I rattled and Changed MOH's world!!!!!

I already told MOH "thank you for wasting the best years of my life", and I am looking forward to a 4th quarter, with our without MOH!

Hope you DO find someone to "cohabitate" and share life with, and hope your friend does too. TO NOT be lonely is a GREAT thing. TO bad some, like me are so lonely when there is a warm body so close!!!

Life really IS TOO SHORT.
Let's NOT WASTE it!
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Old 02-16-2017, 07:18 PM
 
Location: Planet Woof
3,139 posts, read 3,505,046 times
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I vote for staying married and then just going on and living the life she wants. I'm not saying infidelity. No, I mean have her activities, friendships, travel, etc. and let hubs warm the couch and do the domestic thing. There can be affection and some connection, though passion is absent.
This way when hubs ''kicks'' she will be rich and secure and can have a great life full of adventure, etc.
Now if hubs is abusive, controlling, pouty, a ''misery maker'', then the old ''heave ho'' and off to Cali she should go! LOL
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Old 02-16-2017, 07:22 PM
 
6,306 posts, read 5,046,206 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FeelinLow View Post
I vote for staying married and then just going on and living the life she wants. I'm not saying infidelity. No, I mean have her activities, friendships, travel, etc. and let hubs warm the couch and do the domestic thing. There can be affection and some connection, though passion is absent.
This way when hubs ''kicks'' she will be rich and secure and can have a great life full of adventure, etc.
Now if hubs is abusive, controlling, pouty, a ''misery maker'', then the old ''heave ho'' and off to Cali she should go! LOL
Sounds like a plan!
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Old 02-16-2017, 07:27 PM
 
Location: Florida -
8,760 posts, read 10,834,959 times
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By 65-70, most have some degree of assurance they are living in the last quarter of an 87-88-year life span. When talking about two people (relationship), that likelihood is greatly increased. However, no one at any age really knows what 'quarter' of their life they are actually living.

The point is that if one waits until 60-70 to starts getting serious about living as though they might not live forever -- one will likely have wasted more years than they have left 'going through the motions' of living.

"Life is what happens while one is preparing to do something else" (unknown)
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