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Old 02-25-2017, 12:26 PM
 
Location: California
8 posts, read 6,541 times
Reputation: 30

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I am estranged from my family and I'd love to have fam ties but not to be for now so I accept and endure the status and try to be grateful for friends whom I can trust, respect and rely on. One door closed; others open and I am hopeful for positive changes.
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Old 02-25-2017, 04:42 PM
 
Location: Prescott AZ
6,124 posts, read 9,081,096 times
Reputation: 11545
Can you tell us more? Are you a retiree? How did this come about and how are you coping?

It's difficult to be estranged from those people you once had a close relationship with. I hope this is a temporary thing and you are able to mend fences with family sometime soon.
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Old 02-28-2017, 09:04 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,482,868 times
Reputation: 29071
I echo PhxBarb's hope for you. We self-isolated ourselves from the bulk of family because we no longer wished to live where we were when we retired. In doing so we left five or our joint seven children 2,000 miles behind, all daughters, although we moved that much closer to my two sons and their families who are still about 650 miles distant. While we have relationships with all seven and our many grandchildren it's not easy being so far away from all and seeing them only very occasionally.

I'm glad you have friends. Hopefully the estrangement will work itself out.
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Old 02-28-2017, 09:18 AM
 
Location: Florida -
8,764 posts, read 10,843,052 times
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The most distant grandparents invariably become "the other grandparents". It's important for distant grandparents to be more vigilant about remembering birthdays and holidays. With today's computers and phones (skype/face-time), its also easier for distant grandparents to stay in touch, but still requires an effort. -- Finally, for the benefit of the children, it's incumbent upon the parents and local grandparents to help keep a fond memory of 'the other grandparents' alive and well.
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Old 03-04-2017, 01:03 PM
 
1 posts, read 1,572 times
Reputation: 10
Default recently estranged from family

sometimes I start thinking how you become estranged from your family, then I started questioning did I reject them or did they reject me? I have come to realize now that in my case I have never been part of the family, even as a child. I don't know how this came about, as I don't remember a lot of my very young childhood. I know that I was left in the hospital as a baby and my mother didn't want to bring me home because I was premature and according to her, she was afraid I was going to die at home. Now, come to think of it, now that I am writing this, as a mother, if my child was going to die, would it be better to let it die alone in the hospital or at home in my arms ? oh well, I guess by writing this, I have answered my own question. interesting...
so... I guess I was rejected from birth. there we go... as years passed, now I feel that after so much pain and trying to be accepted, I have finally rejected my mother as an adult. not because I wanted to, but because I am tired of trying to connect, trying to have a genuine relationship, trying to have transparency, loyalty, genuine connection... it's sometime that I feel I have tried, and fought for all my life, and reached the end of the rope. Maybe it's a season that I have to accept that I will never have that from her. It's interesting because when I try to be superficial and not give her my genuine all, she feels it and I can feel the heat coming from her. And God I hate it... it's the manipulation, it's somehow turned against me as it's all my fault, and it's ME who doesn't like her. To make things worse, she manages to keep my siblings under her control, and instigating in a very subtle way that we don't connect truthfully with each other either. On a recent post, I reads someone writing "it's natural for a mother to want her children to get along", I immediately thought... not my mother. it took me awhile to see, but it seems to be very convenient to "divide and conquer", she has all of us at her mercy and none of us get along, and it doesn't seem to bother her a bit. She recently said to me, not feeling bothered, but more in curious note :" I don't know what we did wrong that all of you don't get along". I can't remember anything my mother has done to unite us siblings. Last month as a final stupid request, I asked her about creating a group chat on the phone, and adding me , my brother and my sister. She immediately responded, oh that's a good idea, but i am going to pray about it, because i don't want to do anything with my own hands. ( I didn't understand the pray about it, she says she's christian, so I believe that maybe she wanted some guidance). well... that request turned in to weeks, and months, and she never did anything about it. I guess she is still praying... until I finally confronted her when she came to visit. Her answer still hunts me: she said: " oh well, that was going to look ridiculous,me creating a group, and I would be the only one posting on the group and no one responding, that's just ridiculous!" Well... when I am confronted with these reactions from my mom , I feel like I don't know her, who the hell is this person? holly **** ! where did that come from ? the sweet, I am going to pray about it, the nice mom, who is that ? it's a wake up call ! so she goes back home after her visit... and has the nerve to keep sending me cute videos, and the last one was this long video, about how wonderful and how much she values and loves her family (she didn't make the videos, I am sure these are forward messages that she gets) but really ? I felt so disrespected ! really ?
I send her a message to please, be sensitive to the videos she sends about family, because that bring confusion and hurt and I prefer not to receive videos like that anymore. well, she hasn't spoken and sent me any messages since... it has been two weeks now. I think this is crazy !
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Old 03-04-2017, 01:39 PM
 
Location: Prescott AZ
6,124 posts, read 9,081,096 times
Reputation: 11545
Not sure this belongs in the retirement forum, or even in this thread. Maybe the Mod could move it to Parenting? or Psychology? or someplace else?
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Old 03-05-2017, 01:11 PM
 
13,319 posts, read 25,561,639 times
Reputation: 20505
Quote:
Originally Posted by PhxBarb View Post
Not sure this belongs in the retirement forum, or even in this thread. Maybe the Mod could move it to Parenting? or Psychology? or someplace else?
Concur.
Also, perhaps there is a paragraphs fairy who could make it readable. I doubt I am alone in this.
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Old 03-05-2017, 02:00 PM
 
Location: Prescott AZ
6,124 posts, read 9,081,096 times
Reputation: 11545
LOL NO you are not alone. I tried to wade through it to see if I could help, but it was hard.
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Old 04-03-2017, 12:55 AM
 
Location: California
8 posts, read 6,541 times
Reputation: 30
Default Choices

Quote:
Originally Posted by loycer View Post
I am estranged from my family and I'd love to have fam ties but not to be for now so I accept and endure the status and try to be grateful for friends whom I can trust, respect and rely on. One door closed; others open and I am hopeful for positive changes.
I WISH only positives in my life and my family fails in this regard so they go their way and I live the life available to me. Respect is very important and I choose not to be around those who have little respect and regard. I am a free spirit and grateful for my lifestyle which I maintain and manage at a certain level precluding negativity.
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Old 04-03-2017, 12:59 AM
 
Location: California
8 posts, read 6,541 times
Reputation: 30
Default The ideal

Quote:
Originally Posted by PhxBarb View Post
Can you tell us more? Are you a retiree? How did this come about and how are you coping?

It's difficult to be estranged from those people you once had a close relationship with. I hope this is a temporary thing and you are able to mend fences with family sometime soon.

In The Perfect World, Family would all be lovingly united. In this world, some of us are left on our own because we choose not to involve ourselves with those who are negative/selfish.
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