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Old 03-01-2017, 11:13 AM
 
Location: The Triad (NC)
28,541 posts, read 62,270,607 times
Reputation: 32280

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Protagonista View Post
Pennsylvania. Ended up there with some property in his last career move.
Yep. That is far away.
Too far for YOU to go let alone the job issues.

Quote:
He will be 80 this fall. Needed a pacemaker a few years ago
...some memory loss Otherwise,he is still doing light yard work, takes care of himself.
This is good.

I ask because of the risk of needing live in help for personal care, fraility, etc. and it sounds
like you'll be okay there generally... which gets to my other point about YOUR and HIS personal space.

That you can each have your own coming and going, that Dad doesn't start treating you like a
teen again or that you'll have to take on too much of the adult role. Just housemates.

good luck
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Old 03-01-2017, 11:26 AM
 
Location: SF Bay Area
153 posts, read 104,656 times
Reputation: 173
Thanks for the advice.
I am planning on looking for a "In-Law" space or even a duplex. I know this won't be easy and agree I will need my own space to retreat to and count to 10.

Thinking about the logistics of moving him out here gives me a headache, but I am not relocating to Smallburg Pennsylvania.
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Old 03-01-2017, 11:40 AM
 
Location: The Triad (NC)
28,541 posts, read 62,270,607 times
Reputation: 32280
Quote:
Originally Posted by Protagonista View Post
Thinking about the logistics of moving him out here gives me a headache...
Even with him 100% on board er, rationally...
the issue will be dealing with all the STUFF that Dad's tend to accumulate.
This can open a few emotional traps.

Absent some real value anything that can't fit inside a cardboard box stays in PA.
Maybe a yard sale or donated to charity... but the big stuff needs to stay behind.
Most of the stuff that could fit inside a box should probably stay as well.
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Old 03-01-2017, 12:16 PM
 
3,753 posts, read 9,611,799 times
Reputation: 7049
You asked how we went about finding a senior apartment. I have living in Indianapolis, IN for 40 years. We found a copy of the local senior magazine and did some checking. Found at least 4 different places before we stopped looking. Location was the key and having transportation since Mom said she would not drive here.

$800 for a one bedroom with all untilities except phone and tv. Old buildings but strong and well built. Good big maintenance team. Other services can be provided by other agencies and there are some over 100 years old and some that never leave their apartments. Wide range. She gets by on her SS and small pension.

I am absolutely sure it is more expensive in California. I cannot believe the prices out there.
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Old 03-01-2017, 12:41 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
13,893 posts, read 25,347,447 times
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I did this for more than a decade. I worked full time, cared for my parents, a large house and yard, took them to all their medical appointments, and had a 2 hour a day commute. Looking back with 20/20 hindsight I did the wrong thing. I did what my parents asked me to do, not what they really needed.

After doing all the above and getting some sleep, I was out of time. My parents were totally socially isolated. They would have been much better off in assisted living where there were other people and things to do. It was a big mistake for me, my parents, and my family. If I had it to do over again, I would move them to assisted living close to me where we could visit often and do things with them. And enjoy their company. That is sort of a key! It would have been great to spend quality time with them. I hated it that they were just another entry on my never ending to do list.

I know California is a different animal but I could never spend 700K for house anywhere. Especially close to my own retirement. Plus the tax burden of living there. Honestly I would go elsewhere. And BTW visit Sacramento in the summer time, to me, it makes Vegas seem cool!
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Old 03-01-2017, 01:04 PM
 
Location: SF Bay Area
153 posts, read 104,656 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowsnow View Post
Looking back with 20/20 hindsight I did the wrong thing. I did what my parents asked me to do, not what they really needed.

After doing all the above and getting some sleep, I was out of time. I hated it that they were just another entry on my never ending to do list.

I know California is a different animal but I could never spend 700K for house anywhere. Especially close to my own retirement. Plus the tax burden of living there. Honestly I would go elsewhere. And BTW visit Sacramento in the summer time, to me, it makes Vegas seem cool!
Yellowsnow This is what I fear might happen. My problem is he is so far away and I am not sure how well he will take a suggestion to move into an independent living or assisted living situation.

As far as the housing prices, one reason I am looking at Sac is their prices are relatively reasonable given the surrounding amenities. I will be able to downsize once he is gone and probably enjoy some appreciation on the home as well.

Sacramento is not any hotter than LA. The tax burden may be a issue, but I am a native Californian and having lived elsewhere always wanted to come back home.
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Old 03-01-2017, 01:39 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
13,893 posts, read 25,347,447 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Protagonista View Post
Yellowsnow This is what I fear might happen. My problem is he is so far away and I am not sure how well he will take a suggestion to move into an independent living or assisted living situation.

As far as the housing prices, one reason I am looking at Sac is their prices are relatively reasonable given the surrounding amenities. I will be able to downsize once he is gone and probably enjoy some appreciation on the home as well.

Sacramento is not any hotter than LA. The tax burden may be a issue, but I am a native Californian and having lived elsewhere always wanted to come back home.
Lots of California people feel like you do. Somehow I missed it. Every time I go there the lines for everything are horrendous and the traffic too. But there must be something to it because people love living there. Now if only I could move Nevada a little closer to the ocean... But then it would be California!

If I was 80, I would want to get out of those long icy winters. Once you reach a certain age, things like broken hips become a real concern. Can your father's property be sold? And then the money be used for an ALF in Sacramento? Or a senior apartment? If he is still OK on his own at 80, the senior apartment might be perfect. And lots of them have garden areas where the residents can have their own plot. Plus in California, growing things like citrus and avocados might be interesting to him. The residents usually help take care of other residents. And single men are always much in demand. Too many widows and not enough widowers!

That would leave you still OK working and doing pretty much what you do now. Plus you can't beat the services California has for seniors. You might want to make an appointment with a social worker and learn about them. I bet there are some at your hospital. I do know Catholic Charities has some too. If you can get him into a senior apartment there, take some vacation and help him get accustomed to the area and know where things are. Then you can see him a lot but still have your own life.
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Old 03-01-2017, 02:19 PM
 
Location: Southern California
372 posts, read 448,959 times
Reputation: 559
Quote:
Originally Posted by Protagonista View Post
Yellowsnow This is what I fear might happen. My problem is he is so far away and I am not sure how well he will take a suggestion to move into an independent living or assisted living situation.

As far as the housing prices, one reason I am looking at Sac is their prices are relatively reasonable given the surrounding amenities. I will be able to downsize once he is gone and probably enjoy some appreciation on the home as well.

Sacramento is not any hotter than LA. The tax burden may be a issue, but I am a native Californian and having lived elsewhere always wanted to come back home.
If you're OK with the possibility of Sac heat, then maybe you could consider SW Riverside County. Just up I-15 from San Diego, with afternoon breezes coming up through the Rainbow Gap, both Temecula and Murrieta have nice, newer, and relatively affordable houses; there are good senior facilities in both areas; and the new construction of assisted living, continuing care, and Alzheimer's facilities makes me think they're gearing up for more seniors.

We're also Kaiser Country, with a new Kaiser hospital coming in the next few years.

PM me if you have questions. We were up in the Bay Area for over 30 years and relocated here. We love it.

Last edited by Goin' Coastal; 03-01-2017 at 02:57 PM.. Reason: Added info; typos fixed.
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Old 03-01-2017, 02:23 PM
 
3,753 posts, read 9,611,799 times
Reputation: 7049
Honey, you just tell them what their options are. Mom admits that she and dad should have moved out to be closer to us 15 years earlier. Dad just would cry when she mentioned it. We should have taken the initiative and told them they were moving.

Living with you may or may not be best. But please make sure he can access and does access social outlets. It is very easy for them to isolate themselves because it is too "hard" to get out and make new friends. And it is if you dont live near or around other people. Mom meets people just stepping out her door and they have activities like coffee and donuts once a week and loads of parties and activities.

She is NOT in assisted living but an independent apartment. Of course, this is all dependent on his actual level of need. Can you stop working or afford care if his dementia worsens and you have a new to you house?
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Old 03-01-2017, 02:56 PM
 
Location: Living rent free in your head
31,119 posts, read 13,636,147 times
Reputation: 22166
Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowsnow View Post
And BTW visit Sacramento in the summer time, to me, it makes Vegas seem cool!
wow! that is the first time I ever heard that claim. Sacramento is no where near as hot as Vegas in the summer.
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