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Old 02-28-2017, 12:46 PM
 
Location: SF Bay Area
153 posts, read 104,315 times
Reputation: 173

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I posted this on the Sacramento forum, but would also like to know of your experiences living with an aging parent....

Some background- I live in the Bay Area and am an RN currently employed at Kaiser so can fairly easily transfer within their Health System or get a job at any hospital.

My dad is in failing health and lives alone. He called me recently and asked if he could live with me.
I have been contemplating buying a house and can qualify/afford $750-800,000 home on my own.
But I would like to find a place for $650,000 or less in case I have to cut back on my work hours.
I am also trying to consider property taxes and utility expenses, car insurance etc.

Currently I am living alone renting a 2 bedroom and have a great deal in a beautiful place that is mid-peninsula and convenient to everywhere. So I and haven't been in a rush to buy given the uncertain political environment. But my place is not well set up for an older person.

We would need a 3 bedroom 2 bath place with some yard for him to putter around in, a neighborhood he can walk around in safely, public transportation, hospitals and entertainment nearby (he can't do more than a 90 min drive) and a possibly a senior day center because I have noticed his memory is going. I have been seriously looking at East Sac or River Park.

My concern is for me lol. I just hit 50 and I know nobody in the area. I don't want to end up cloistered in the house with an aging parent. Although I do have at least one child that would be happy to move back in .

So this move may be a retirement spot for me also. I am fairly outgoing and active, a member of the Sierra Club, bike casually, love music and gardening. I would like to join some established groups, not just meet-ups. I would describe myself as socially liberal and fiscally centrist haha.
How cliquish are those neighborhoods? Are they full of just young families or are there some empty nesters around also?

In trying to keep it simple for this forum, I am mentally just trying on different scenarios and thinking about quality of life and COL for both of us at this point.
Any suggestions of other areas to look? I would be working in Roseville or Sacramento.

Thanks!
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Old 02-28-2017, 01:00 PM
 
3,752 posts, read 9,605,753 times
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Think about the what ifs:
What if tomorrow he needs so much care that you cannot work? Or starts to wander or starts to have Sundowner syndrome? Are you prepared to be a 24/7 caretaker living in this new area?
Are you giving up your own retirement planning?
Are you going to be able to provide him the social network he really needs? Or will you become his best and only friend?

Your question about neighborhoods is a good one. When I lived in the suburbs, there were only two people home during the day that were not young fully involved parents of multiple kids. If I had not found her a kindred spirit, I would have been alone. In today's world, two income families are the norm and there may be few people home to help, watch or provide company for him.

What exactly will you be expected to do right now and how much will he expect you to be "available" for his needs right now? What about declines? Why does he want to live with you? Will you be able to leave him for meetings or short trips or are you going to be tied to the house for how many years?

I make no judgement but these are some of the issues to think about.

We found Mom a great independent senior apartment with activities, bus service to shopping and services and a large group of people to get to know. The maintenance is great. Additional care can be provided on an as needed basis and they have an assisted living home attached for when the need is there. Mom is socially involved, helps others, has many checking on her daily, can get out on her own, etc.
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Old 02-28-2017, 01:20 PM
 
Location: SF Bay Area
153 posts, read 104,315 times
Reputation: 173
sweetana3-

Thanks for your input and suggestions! I think Dad wants to live with me because I am the only one he "likes" in the family. Plus I am an RN. Great job, but everyone assumes you want to take care of them (sigh).

How expensive are those places and what resources did you use to find it?
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Old 02-28-2017, 07:08 PM
 
12,825 posts, read 20,144,092 times
Reputation: 10910
This is a fascinating thread. Back when both my parents were still alive, and were contemplating a possible retirement downsizing and relo, I was really hoping they would move to Sacto.

Had they done that, my wife and I might have eventually followed.

But, they (well, actually, my Mom) decided that Sacto was in her view, too redneck. That's a laugh. Sacto is deep blue and full of government employees. But oh ... it's not ... the Bay Area.

Great ... if you've got multimillions siting around to fund one's golden years in such a setting as the Bay Area.

But my folks did not.

To answer the OP, I think it is a good move. Sacto is a nice sweet spot and the dollar goes further there. More dollars = better QoL for both you and your Dad.
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Old 02-28-2017, 09:18 PM
 
Location: Idaho
4,627 posts, read 4,468,721 times
Reputation: 9050
Protagonista, two things that I'd like to submit for your consideration.

Sacramento? Even though I have been a SoCal boy my whole life, to me and my limited experience with it, Sacramento is a pretty nice city. I know they have some awesome off-road, paved bicycle trails. That alone would be a major reason for me to move there. However, I'm sure I don't want the summer heat.

Then there is the problem of the astronomical high cost of living in California. But, with Kaiser, you are kinda stuck. There are Kaiser facilities in OR and WA, but that might not be a consideration for you and your dad.


Your dad living with you? I can only relate my own personal experience when my mom came to live with me. She had her own place in Oxnard, about an hour and a half from where I lived. One of my other brothers lived in the area, so one of us would visit her every other weekend. We'd take her out for grocery shopping and to dinner afterward. Those were the only time she really got out of the house.

One Wednesday, she called me and said that she can't live by herself anymore and "would you come next weekend and pick me up", (to live with me). The more I talked to her during that conversation, the more intuition I felt that I needed to fetch her the next day and not wait until the weekend.

I have a fairly large house, so it wasn't any problem with her living with me. I needed to go to work every day, but she got along just fine when I was gone. Sadly, she went downhill quite rapidly and in about two weeks, we both realized that she needed to be some place where someone could look after her. We called hospice and found a place for her, which only lasted a week before she was gone.

Other than the poor physical stuff we had to deal with, it was no problem with her living with me and I really appreciated the opportunity to spend time with her at the end. I urged her to tell me the old stories of her childhood and stories of her relatives that I never met. Even recorded a bunch of them to pass on to her grandchildren.


Good luck with whatever you decide. Cherish this time with your dad. Now that they are both gone, I sure wish I has spent more time with both mom and dad before they died. I can't ask them about stuff anymore, and I have so many unanswered questions.
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Old 02-28-2017, 11:31 PM
 
Location: Living rent free in your head
31,071 posts, read 13,598,798 times
Reputation: 22130
I think you'd do fine in Sacramento, we moved here about 2 1/2 years ago from Nevada after my husband retired & we really like it. We've made lots of friends here just by going to local events like farmers markets, nature walks, Sacramento Tree foundation events etc. I love it here, I grew up in the SF bay area and we have kids who live in SF but we much prefer the slower pace and more laid back attitude of Sacramento. We have friends in South Land Park, Greenhaven and Elmhurst, all three of those areas are really nice and seem to have a nice mix of young and old residents.
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Old 02-28-2017, 11:35 PM
 
6,253 posts, read 4,734,369 times
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Trying to take care of an aging parent with a failing memory may not be the best decision for either of you. Find a place with activities and options for continuing care. You will still have a life and so will your father.
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Old 03-01-2017, 05:39 AM
 
Location: Western Asia
3,187 posts, read 1,443,736 times
Reputation: 2524
JMO but I would take Sacto if you make the same as you would in the Bay area. Keep in mind that there is a cost and hassle involved in moving so I wouldn't make the move unless I was sure that I would like where I was going, especially since you like where you currently are located. I personally really like Sacto with the bike trails, sunny weather, nice size and relatively affordable.
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Old 03-01-2017, 07:26 AM
 
Location: The Triad (NC)
28,497 posts, read 62,182,463 times
Reputation: 32182
Quote:
Originally Posted by Protagonista View Post
My dad is in failing health and lives alone.
He called me recently and asked if he could live with me.
I live in the Bay Area...
Where does Dad live now?

Quote:
But my place is not well set up for an older person.
I have been contemplating buying a house...

We would need a 3 bedroom 2 bath place with some yard...
possibly a senior day center (nearby)
My concern is for me lol. I just hit 50...
How old is dad?
How is his health generally, and...

Quote:
So this move may be a retirement spot for me also.
trying on different scenarios and thinking about quality of life and COL...
Any suggestions of other areas to look?
Not other areas per se... Sac & Roseville etc are fine.

But I do have one point on the house design/structure:
I think you need something with TWO master bedroom suites
with one geared toward the needs of an elderly man.

A house that HAS or can be adapted to have first level BR, extra wide door/corridor, step in tub, etc.
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Old 03-01-2017, 10:45 AM
 
Location: SF Bay Area
153 posts, read 104,315 times
Reputation: 173
MrRational-

Where does Dad live now?
Pennsylvania. Ended up there with some property in his last career move.
Yep. That is far away.

How old is dad?
He will be 80 this fall.

How is his health generally?
Pretty good actually. Needed a pacemaker a few years ago his cardiac issue caused some memory loss before the pacemaker. Otherwise,he is still doing light yard work, takes care of himself.

** As far as his memory and health..this is what HE tells me on our weekly phone calls. I haven't seen him for a year and am flying out to visit at the end of this month. I know people with memory loss try to hide the severity of it and I have noticed an increase in forgetfulness. He hasn't gotten lost and he recognizes everyone (I think), but he is getting dates and times mixed up and tells me he is getting more forgetful and needs to live with someone.
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