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Old 03-09-2017, 01:27 PM
16,720 posts, read 14,692,102 times
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Originally Posted by animalcrazy View Post
I think the only loss I would not survive would be the loss of John my husband. We can deal with anything else hand in hand. Friends come and go, pets come and go, but John has been a huge part of my life for over 30 years now. How do you survive a loss like that? Hopefully I'll go first. Problem solved?
I think that way too. I am the only one with life insurance because my husband has CHF. I keep saying I hope I go first so he'll be able to pay off the mortgage and be comfortable for awhile.

But what about them? They will miss us just as much.

Is the problem truly solved? Or is it selfish of us to think this way?
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Old 03-09-2017, 01:34 PM
5,426 posts, read 3,446,805 times
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Originally Posted by dothetwist View Post

Life is full of crises for everyone, at any age, not just in retirement.
I don't think this is true. Not everyone has 'crises' in their life or throughout their life, and certainly not at every age for everyone. Many people live charmed lives.
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Old 03-09-2017, 01:49 PM
Location: next up where ever I go
588 posts, read 344,583 times
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Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
I don't really believe this nor think it's true. Not everyone has 'crises' in their life or throughout their life, and certainly not at every age for everyone.
I agree with you Matisse....I have seen and been friends with more than a few that really didn't have many really hard experiences and now that they are "older" they are not dealing with the hard realities of life that others grew a thicker skin to long ago.

I was considered the "poor" relation in those friendships and I am sorry to say I just don't have anything in common anymore with them. I think it sad....but we grow differently and I think adversity DOES mold a tougher backbone and a lot less subsequent whining.

Oh well, such is life.

As Bruce Lee, of martial art fame stated....do not wish for an easy life, pray for the ability to endure a hard life (something like that)
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Old 03-09-2017, 06:00 PM
911 posts, read 530,188 times
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Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
I don't think this is true. Not everyone has 'crises' in their life or throughout their life, and certainly not at every age for everyone. Many people live charmed lives.
Exactly. There are plenty of people who just don't have really bad things happen to them (divorce, death of a spouse/child/parent at an early age, unemployment, financial loss, illness, etc). I get tired of hearing "Everyone has some sort of crisis" when it's really relative. I grew up with a woman who has led a charmed life since birth. She was moving into a new mansion on short notice and the hardwood floor fumes were giving her a headache. She posted a prayer request on Facebook for that "crisis" and got hundreds of likes and replies.
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Old 03-09-2017, 06:39 PM
Location: Evansville, IN
194 posts, read 320,893 times
Reputation: 440
Many of the posters have gone through things that would break a lesser person. I take my hat off to you all! Through all of DH's health problems, his quadruple bypass when he didn't have insurance (goodbye retirement savings!) and the unexpected care taking of my dad after his suicide attempt, we have kept plugging along. I have finally learned to lean on God more, because I can't do it on my own.
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Old 03-09-2017, 07:53 PM
30,073 posts, read 47,320,143 times
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Our problem is not with us--but our two adult kids and their spouses...
Our son has been married for 5 yrs now to nice woman but she has chronic/sever health and emotional issues.
She apparently had abusive childhood with a violent, psychotic mother and a dad who just looked the other way. Developed all sorts of problems....she is very bright...not vindictive or bitchy--but her issues aren't going away...and her issues are problems for our son and thus, us...
We all are involved in this situation one way or the other....
And while we love her we are starting to think she will never recover to have a normal life...
Right now she is on her second medical leave from her job to do all-day group therapy in addition to some medical testing...she has severe eating disorders, takes lot of medications which cause as many problems as they are supposed to solve it seems to us...

Our daughter is married to someone we thought was ambitious, smart, hard-working, protective and would be a good husband and father...he has been out of work for 16 of last 24 months or so...They live just south of Sarasota FL....He left one job because he had been working remote from home and traveling to main office about 2 hrs away--company wanted him to relocate (w/o any paid expenses) for full time work there...
he refused...he was disenchanted w/company and thought he would find job locally w/o moving away from the coast...he was wrong...took over a year to get job at company doing IT security analysis which lasted 7 or so months--
Think he was hired as bait and switch--it was initially supposed to be contract job for 6 months and he thought he talked them into seeing why they needed someone permanently...
He did good job--solved lot of problems w/work flow and increased profitability--but his manager who hired him was not getting any new business--so analysts didn't have any work to do...
Was easier to claim they didn't need SIL than to say manager was not doing his job...
So SIL was let go end of Dec...out of work again...
He refuses to consider relocating outside of their immediate area...
Won't consider looking for work in areas w/more mfg which is where most of his experience lies--
In his area medical field or Govt work are only two looking for his type of background/skills

So don't know how long this will go on--right now daughter who is teacher is very stressed--
She is very supportive of him but frankly we don't think she wants to lay down any kind of an ultimatum either... SIL is not kind of person who asks advice---don't take criticism well--lot of time he really is the smartest person in the room which doesn't help...but his refusal to consider other areas is also I think about losing face---
IF he did look for work in other areas and didn't get job offers then that is more humiliating than not getting job in area where it is harder to find one...if you see what I mean...

So two adult children--both hard workers--both very nice people who love us and keep in touch with us--
But with problems we can't really solve--
Puts a crimp in your own personal happiness...
I worry every day about them and their spouses---because they are not having very happy lives in many ways.
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Old 03-09-2017, 08:33 PM
Location: Planet Woof
3,139 posts, read 3,506,948 times
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My SO and I have been together for 26 years and have been through most of our personal and family struggle during the last 10 years. We've both lost multiple jobs, lost most of our biological family, lost beloved pets...our ''children''..., had serious health problems, struggled to survive poverty after the recession, been evicted, felt abandoned by family, and watched what is left of our extended family crumble and fade due to divorces, problem children, etc.
My SO survived a stroke last year and went through extensive rehab less than a year after retirement. Not one family member has called or come to visit at home, hospital, or rehab centers. That was hard to take, hurt so much.
I have become the 24/7 sole caregiver and also just retired largely spurred on by that change, though I was planning to do so anyway.
Though sometimes it feels like an end to retirement dreams of traveling and doing lots of fun things together, we are still optimistic that those things will happen in our future.
It's hard, but we know things could be a lot worse. We refuse to give up, though some days I feel like doing so.
With all we have already been through there is a strength and knowledge about how to survive all this and flourish. Those hard times taught us some coping skills. Mostly love and humor and daring to dream, still.
And knowledge that God and Guardian Angels got us through this far, so we will be ok. We have to be because there is nothing else to do. Just grateful for each day and the little joys and being together. Retirement gives us that time to do so.
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Old 03-09-2017, 08:54 PM
Location: Constitutional USA, zn.8A
685 posts, read 299,344 times
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Originally Posted by want to learn View Post
I think many of us seniors are just not as able to pick ourselves back up after something terrible happens as easily as when we were young. When terrible things happen to us we are thrown down so hard it is nearly impossible to come back. We may never be the same.

Maybe it is a health setback, depression, emotional issue, death in the family or even a huge loss in investment income. Can you relate? Have a story to tell?
Beyond mere 'issues', they were DISASTERS, of some gargantuan !! scale. - tho stories, of them??
Heck no!! it is when they are relived, over & over, ad nauseum inside, & then make others read them too,
all those only encourage AGING... Yikes!
No way.
Moderator cut: Off topic

Last edited by Oldhag1; 03-09-2017 at 11:00 PM..
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Old 03-09-2017, 11:09 PM
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,732,288 times
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Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post
Since this board skews more affluent and upper crust than average, I think it kind of gets pooh-poohed around here, but there are a lot of people in their 60s and 50s who are just not healthy. There's a line of thinking out there today that "60 is the new 40" or whatever, and maybe it is for the better off, but out here where I am, there are many "old" 60 year olds.

If I go to a local Walmart, I'll see lots of people who are not that old on oxygen, getting around poorly, in wheelchairs, etc. About half of my great aunts and uncles did not reach 70, many didn't reach 65. Many people in this area worked physically demanding jobs that broke their bodies down, miners ending up with black lung, relatively young people have to get fitted with dentures in remote area dental clinics - all sorts of levels and flavors of screwed up.

Sure, if you're a professional living in an affluent area, yeah, you'll have the means and knowledge to get medical treatment, have some basic knowledge of nutrition, have medical facilities available, etc. Here in backward, poor Appalachia, people can't afford medical care, many have a lifestyle antithetical to good health, many don't have enough education to make good choices, sometimes good choices are unavailable (can't really get many fresh vegetables in southwest Virginia, but there are plenty of places with dollar menus).

It's a tough place to live in a lot of ways.
Your views and experiences of life in "backward, poor Appalachia" are always fascinating and informative. It truly is a different world. Your post, and particularly the paragraph I bolded, did evoke the following thought:

While the poor and the poorly educated have a knowledge deficit, there is also an attitude (cultural) deficiency which, in my opinion, is as powerfully negative as whatever the lack of knowledge is. I will use rates of smoking as my example.

I don't think anybody for at least the last 20 years doesn't know that smoking is unhealthy. Even a fifth grade dropout would know that. The issue is acting on that knowledge versus just going along with what one sees around one. Smoking rates vary enormously with educational level, but in this case it's obviously not the "knowledge" but the attitude, the ability to defer gratification, which is at stake. In order to get an education, some deferral of gratification is necessary and that ability carries over in so many ways.

The young often do stupid things, whether they are from educated families or not. One of the stupid things I did was start smoking at age 18, despite my awarness that it was not a healthy habit. But I quit at age 28, almost 45 years ago. A single case proves nothing, of course, but can be used to illustrate a point, the point being that my capacity to think for the longer term enabled me to correct my stupid mistake early enough in life (at least I hope) to avoid damage.

By the way, I do not view my post as a rebuttal of yours. What you wrote is an accurate and deeply depressing description of what you observe around you. Rather, I am adding another layer of analysis by emphasizing how powerful cultural factors are as separate from education per se.
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Old 03-10-2017, 05:49 AM
72 posts, read 57,166 times
Reputation: 135
My MAIN point is that with the decline most of us face in our 60s and beyond it is not as easy to take really bad things happening as it was when we were healthier. What may be a bump along the road in our 40s destroys us in our 60s.
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