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Unless either parent mentioned that they wanted to join you in California or that they expected you to move back to your old hometown I'm not understanding your issue here. Being elderly and poor isn't a rare situation, and there are social services available to provide at least a minimal level of lifestyle support.
I will agree with everyone that the best approach is for your parents to be independent and live within whatever means they have. I know several middle class people whose parents are in subsidized senior housing due to limited retirement income.
Unless either parent mentioned that they wanted to join you in California or that they expected you to move back to your old hometown I'm not understanding your issue here. Being elderly and poor isn't a rare situation, and there are social services available to provide at least a minimal level of lifestyle support.
This is true.
They'll have SS. They won't starve. You should urge them to contact their local Council on Aging or similarly-titled organization, which can help with getting them set up for the services they need.
You may want to take some time off and help them get their houses ready for sale before they lose one or both to foreclosure. That assumes each of them understands and accepts the reality that they need to move to low-income housing.
Also remember that emotional support can be just as important as material support.
Think of a parent who doesn't make enough money to send his or her child to college. Would you consider such a person to be a bad parent simply because he or she cannot afford college?
Its the same for you- you are not a bad child just because you are not in a position to provide financial support to your parents.
A few questions, any siblings or are you an only child? How long have they lived in their homes, any equity? You say they're in failing health, but as in what? Could they work, service jobs, welcome to Walmart? Have they even thought about contacting social services in their towns? If they're retirement age, they will get SS and they may need to supplement that with additional income, they will also get medicare, so some of their medical is covered. What's their lifestyle, can they cut down more? As many posters have already pointed out, they may not even expect you to sacrifice for them, but you can support them by helping them through the bureaucracy to get help that they may need.
I moved away from my hometown a long time ago. I moved to Southern California, have since planted roots and started a family, and we are able to support ourselves financially. Reason I mention this though, is because space is a premium out here.
Now on to my parents. They have both just reached retirement age, but they spent their life making horrible financial decisions, they divorced a few years ago, now they are also getting sick and they are broke. They were both coincidentally laid off from their jobs at the same time last year, they both still have their mortgages, and they don't have any prospects of gainful employment nor do they have significant retirement savings.
Like I said, I'm too far away from them to take care of them, I dont have much to help them, and I can't move back there. My famity and career are rooted here.
My parents would have no way to financially support themselves in Southern California. My father has become extremely argumentative and bitter. He can not live with me. My mother is very intrusive and almost parasitic.
I love my parents, I mentally feel as though I'll be turning my back on them, but I cannot support them and if they live with me it would cost me my marriage. My wife would rightfully say NO.
What can I do?
Just curious what your wife would say if it was HER parents? would it cost her her marriage?
Just curious what your wife would say if it was HER parents? would it cost her her marriage?
Many of us wives long ago said no to our parents living with us. My mother used to say she was moving in with us and I would say that we would be moving out. She never asked just told me that's what she was going to do when she's old. No idea how she ever came up with that "plan". Certainly never asked me.
My husband and I agreed many years ago that none of our parents would live with us. We would not take care of them. Neither one of us wants to face murder charges.
Are you an only child? Are there other family/friends in their area?
You didn't mention your parent's ages, but if they're 65, they qualify for Medicare, which will take care of health care needs nicely. And, they can take Social Security as early as 62, if they absolutely need to. If they have equity in their respective homes, they can sell and use the equity to supplement their SS. Finding senior housing apartments would be ideal. If they are still single and get along, they might want to be roommates! That will reduce costs and they'll have each other's company
From a moral standpoint, I think it's admirable that you are concerned and want to help your parents. But, you can't sacrifice your life and moving them to a high COL area makes no sense. Talk to them, visit them, find resources and a game plan for them and they should be OK. They are the ones who are responsible for their lives, as you are for yours.
In addition to them selling and getting into senior housing, tell them to call 2-1-1 {NOT 911!}, no need to dial any other numbers, just 211.
211 is set up anywhere across the country {or should by now}as a "first call for help"..for any problem you may have: financial, housing, food, getting help getting things done. IF there IS help for those things available in their{or your} area, they will be connected with that help.
Tell them to call.
Best of luck, but I'd let THEM figure it out. After all, if they have no money, what are they going to do? Disinherit you?
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