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Exactly. It is a two street, t!t for tat. For some reason, it is always expected that the more successful parent or offspring should be responsible for the less successful. It varies immensely and zero assumptions can be made. Words may be cheap, but that is all that comfort and suggestions ARE. It takes MONEY to take care of someone else. And once you have done that, then you have committed to a situation that may be impossible to get out of, where everyone suffers even more. Parents typically don't call asking for comfort and suggestions! They call thinking, "I took care of you when you were helpless, now it's my turn", which is a guilt trip. Only it doesn't work that way. All children were (or should have) been taken care of by their parents. Once adults, no one should be guilted in being responsible for the other.
My grandparents in a million years would never have thought to have left a red cent to anyone intentionally. Their kids got what was left over, if anything.
When they became bedridden and didn't want to be put in a CCF, they simply told my aunt that if she took care of them in their own house (which was only a block away from where they lived), she got everything and my dad got nothing. (He was the more "successful" one and already retired 1200 miles away.). So she did, with my dads blessing. After they both passed away. My aunt did not think it fair that she got what turned out to be a rather sizeable estate, and she was the executor. She decided to divvy up as she saw fair, and my dad was fine with that. Some parents guilt, others blackmail, and still others simply buy the results they want from their children. I find that all pretty offensive myself. My dad would rather throw himself in front of a bus, than have to be taken care of by his kids, which is pretty much my attitude as well. Luckily, some of us can afford to pitch in financially if the time comes, but as of now that doesn't look like it will be needed.
It should be a mutual sentiment that is borne of real legitimacy, not something that is expected.
Last edited by Perryinva; 04-04-2017 at 02:26 PM..
Well, I certainly hope the OP hasn't been enabled here by those who are appear self-centered and unkind in their advice to just think about yourself. The OP says he "loves" his parents and that's an important admission. Start there. If he truly does love them, then he needs to show it. Words are cheap.The OP does not need to "derail his life" to offer emotional support and help them with getting a plan in place, with the help of social services in their communities. After that, he can check in on their progress, but it's then up to them. To do nothing, is cold and cruel IMO.
It's self-centered and unkind to take care of your wife and children? OP has said financially he can't help and lives thousands of miles away. So what's he supposed to do? People need to help themselves. Dad's an alcoholic so what do you do with that? You don't let that around your children. No one said to walk away and do nothing, but they need to help themselves. They can set up appointments with social services. They're going to have to get themselves there. The OP isn't going to fly half way around the country to do that.
Everyone should have a plan in place for when they are no longer to care for themselves and a retirement plan. Those plans can change over time, but something needs to be in place.
I've been through this with parents and in-laws. It's not a party. There's hard feelings, but life goes on.
I'm not being naive. The OP DOES in fact have young children and a wife that he has a moral AND LEGAL obligation to. He does not have a legal obligation to his parents. Moral obligation is a personal choice. I do not believe people should have children to take care of them when they're elderly.
Sorry, but children do not have to take of their elderly parents. They choose to, that's great, but the reality is for most people it's not possible and those who do it live a nightmare. There's HUNDREDS of threads on here about the nightmares people are going through taking care of their parents.
The mother has ASKED to move in. The OP has already said no to that. He can't provide financial support. He's said that. he lives thousands of miles away. His father is an alcoholic. So what do you expect the OP to do? Drop his children and wife because his parents are too lazy to do some research? They're retired so they've got plenty of time to call social services themselves. He can't bring them to social services or to appointments. They have to do that themselves or find someone locally to do it.
We've answered this already. From where he lives, he can do some research, based on the great advice he's gotten here from several posters, on social services in their area. Call on their behalf, if necessary, and find support for them locally. Help them think through a plan--they are sick. Do you get that part of it? They are not "lazy" they are having a tough time with their health and unemployment. Can you sympathize at all with that situation?
The OP didn't answer many of the questions we posed. But, based on the little we know, his parents have assets, and depending on their ages, they have social services for health care and SS checks. Maybe he spends a couple of weeks of his precious time helping the people who raised him and who he says he "loves." Then, if he can't fly out to help them sell homes, find senior housing, etc., he can reach out to an agency, other family, friends, to help them. Then, all he has to do is check in on them once in awhile--not too much to ask is it? His life goes on, he's spent zero money, he hasn't moved anyone to So Cal, and he has a clear conscience that he didn't abandon the parents he loves in their time of need. Win, win.
I fail to see why the OP should feel any guilt toward parents who have been chronically foolish and now expect him to step in and save them at the expense of his own family. There are things they can do to provide for themselves, but they probably just don't want the lifestyle it would entail. It seems obvious neither had any business taking out a mortgage as it was above their means. And now they want to suck off him as it all hits the fan.
OK,this is going to come across as cold,heartless, and even mean. You are not required to do anything for them. Would it be wonderful if you could? Of course it would, but you cannot. Your first priority is your wife and children,not parents who have failed to plan. Do not sacrifice your immediate family for your parents! It will cost you everything and in the end you will have nothing,especially grateful parents. If you absolutely must do something for your parents, try to locate the appropriate agency's that may be able to support them.
I have a feeling the posters sticking up for the parents either have something in common with them or would change their tune if they themselves were confronted with the same situation.
That is not cold, heartless or mean at all. It is realistic advice.
No, it IS heartless and mean, and I'd add selfish. When you say you "love" your parents and then turn your back on them?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Harpaint
I have a feeling the posters sticking up for the parents either have something in common with them or would change their tune if they themselves were confronted with the same situation.
I can tell you that's not the case for me. I think this comes down to your values and being humane, kind, compassionate. I think, as in any discussion, the side you come down on speaks volumes about who you are as a person.
No, it IS heartless and mean, and I'd add selfish. When you say you "love" your parents and then turn your back on them?
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I can tell you that's not the case for me. I think this comes down to your values and being humane, kind, compassionate. I think, as in any discussion, the side you come down on speaks volumes about who youe are as a person.
I definitely agree that taking care of your wife and children speaks volumes on who you are as a person. The expectations of OP's parents, who are on your side, definitely speak volumes on who they are as people. You act as though the OP is sitting on tons of $, extra space, and a solid retirement fund though he has stated quite clearly this is not the situation. It would be very irresponsible of him to take on this burden when it is not even necessary, and he'd likely end up like they are.
Last edited by Harpaint; 04-04-2017 at 05:54 PM..
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