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Or are you disappointed that one or two are not what you hoped for? Have they used their talents and upbringing to their advantage? Are you proud of them? Are they living lives that you think are worthwhile and good for them?
I ask because I recently became aware of a big lie in my family, with a grown child. I knew there were issues but now I see that either her upbringing or my parenting was not what she needed. I take responsibility for this but am clueless as to how to reconcile this in her life. Frankly, I think it's too late and now the ball is in her court. She has made terrible relationship choices and I am sad about this. But, she is an adult and now I have to butt out.
Disappointments are a fact of life. But it is really disheartening.
So far, so good, but I'm afraid to say it out loud.
I think you need to give yourself a break. We all have done the best we could to raise our kids to be the people we think they should be (and I mean that in the best non-controlling sense possible.) We have all made mistakes, honest ones I hope. At some point your child has to own who they are and the decisions they make that form their life.
One of mine takes a risky career path as she told me last night. Who would have thought a sweet and shy girl in high school could turn out that way. I'm still nervous about her career choice, but as far as I can see she does nothing wrong. She is a hard worker, decent and kind human being. She is a creative person who wants to be an entrepreneur. Very hard slog. So I do worry about her to be honest. Both of my kids will be off my payroll by the end of the year. I'm still paying for cell phone for both and car insurance for one. Next year, no more money of any kind from me. So I don't have any influence except to remind them to save and invest for retirement.
The son, we figured would not amount to much, has indeed done well. The other son, got a masters degree and became a research scientist. Was successful. Then about five or six years ago that son became our daughter. Perhaps it was the effect of feamale hormones on a male brain (my theory), she became mentally unstable and could not hold a job. Was in and out of treatment. Thankfully She now stable, married to a trans man and employed.
And yes, I was not happy with the change, but he/she is my child. What can you do?
No. I am disappointed how things turned out. For many years I blamed myself. I wasn't perfect. But I've been reminded that they had two parents, not just one. And since my kids are 53 and 55, I'm not holding my breath till things get better.
I didn't have any kids - by design. (After the ex-wife had been on the pill for five and a half years, I got a vasectomy). Still pleased with my decision.
So I suppose in theory I should not be answering this thread, but at age 73 I've seen so many kids become adults. I come from a family where I had (still have) many cousins on both sides, most of which had children of their own. In the case of most of my cousins, I was around off and on when their children were growing up, so I have some sense (although not a perfect sense) of how they were raised and what values their parents held.
The result is an incredibly mixed bag. Some children of cousins have done well - most are old enough to have children of their own now. Others have been disasters, as in mentally ill. At least in most cases of the disasters I just don't see the parents being at fault. Personally I blame genetics. It's a risky roll of the dice to have children at all.
Another case: Couple I knew (and still know) quite well. Both successful, well-educated, hard-working, and honest. Had only one daughter who went bad in her mid to late teens (drugs). Daughter committed suicide at age 24. Their only fault, as I see it looking back, was making known their expectations for unreasonably high achievement levels. Perhaps the girl felt she could not measure up to parental expectations? Plenty of kids come through the same problem more or less O.K., therefore I have to think genetics also played a role there. Naturally, their daughter's suicide was absolutely devastating for them. How people come through something like that with any semblance of normal functioning I really don't know. Losing a child has to be the worst experience.
They are all Ok. Out of college on Daddy's Dime but all fully employed and doing well career wise and as good citizens. Still trying to figure out why I am paying their cell phone bills. Wife says family plan, some day I will look into this.
"Family Plan" is a brilliant marketing strategy from the cell phone companies to ensure dad keeps paying for the entire family no matter what.
It is not just cell phones. I know parents who are paying the cell phone, the car insurance and the medical for their children ... even though the children have larger salaries. One guy at work would not retire as he was paying off his children's student loan and they were 38 and 40.
We have a family plan with three nephews ... they prepay in advance.
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