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Old 08-05-2017, 11:13 AM
 
Location: Central NY
4,709 posts, read 3,276,460 times
Reputation: 12103

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I am guessing this is mainly for those of us who are single, either by choice, divorce, widowhood. But it could also include married.

I'm just coming out of a bout of depression, seeing my life as the song sung by Peggy Lee.... "Is This All There Is?"

Lately it's been more painful than usual. I'm divorced 34+ years, have children but no close relationship with either one of them. The divorce was a tough one, found out some very sad things during and after. I was pretty much angry with men, lost any trust I might have with them, vowed I would never be interested in finding another.

Now at 75, I'm realizing how much I am missing a partner to get through the years that are left. I think I've wasted many years learning to be independent and having a fear of men. That question comes up (for me) a lot..... have I waited too long? Am I too old? Is there someone out there that I can have a mutual attraction with?

I know I have to make an effort of getting out there, having fun, discovering new interests, get a new attitude.

Do any of you feel lonely and like life passed you by? When I read some of these posts and hear you say "we" and "us" etc., I feel a tinge of envy....... how nice it must be to have someone to share life with, someone you can count on to be there if/when you need them.

Am I in need of a reality check?
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Old 08-05-2017, 11:29 AM
 
Location: NYC
2,941 posts, read 1,606,212 times
Reputation: 7988
Well I can give you one reality check with that cliche that the grass always seems greener on the other side...

Not to minimize your feelings though.

I know a couple, widow & widower, that got married last year after a decent length relationship. They were mid-late 70's & healthy, very active socially, financially very secure, even well-off, well-adjusted & had a good sized church wedding, since they are both kind of traditional/conservative, with all the trimmings & honeymoon, etc....

A year & a half later he gets a stroke after being healthy his whole life. It's not awful, he can talk & walk slowly with a walker now, but he needs on site attendants for waking hours, doctor appointments, rehab.... you get the idea. She has confided that while she feels devastated & very bad for him she is very depressed about having to "go through this all over again" with another husband so soon. And of course feels guilty about that. They had planned for travels, family visits & companionship but she is with a 24 hour live-in patient now. So thinking about it now she is second guessing her idea of getting married late.
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Old 08-05-2017, 11:34 AM
 
Location: Central NY
4,709 posts, read 3,276,460 times
Reputation: 12103
^^^^^^^^ Thank you Hefe!!!

That is a very important reality check.

I feel better already!
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Old 08-05-2017, 12:51 PM
 
1,597 posts, read 594,854 times
Reputation: 3425
NYgal, I have known several couples who have gotten together in later years. In fact, I attended a wedding last fall and the bridegroom was 85! Bride, I'm guessing was about 82-ish, and they had a nice church wedding with about 7 or so assorted grown Munchkins. Daytime wedding, and Bridegroom wore a tux for his bride, but bride herself wore a simple nice beige pantsuit with a tiny bit of lace on the top. And after the ceremony, they went down the steps VERY carefully!

That being said, there are always complications. He has a Special Needs daughter, 60-ish, and another daughter and husband from out-of-state and who, I think, were in-between jobs, moved down and into dad's house, to be care-taker's of the daughter, and they lived in the bridge's home, the next town over. I guess all is working out, bless their hearts!

Also knew another couple from church, widow and widower, who became "friends" but opted to not marry. It was one of those situations where the gal's hubby had worked for a major corp (Honeywell?) and the guy, as nice as can be, just happened to have worked very hard his whole life, but did not have a super retirement pkg like the gal's late husband. Most people don't!! But, their relationship has greatly enriched their lives for several decades. They each kept a home, and kept their finances in-tact for their married daughters', and were able to take a few nice trips, and just be there for each other.

Lastly, a funny story. My FIL passed away and had an old-fashioned Irish wake, which happened to be in a double funeral parlor, with two wakes for gentlemen going on at the same time. Things were bustling!! So the hostess, who was employed at the funeral home, told us that two nice old ladies came in, and complained, "This is very bad! We have lost two male bridge players at Senior bridge afternoon at the church!". The ladies were going to go to both the wakes! And btw, we had no idea he was even involved in the senior bridge group.

Go out and explore, NYgal, and don't ever under-estimate matc h.com. A friend's nephew (in 20's) met his wife that way and they lived within the same SQUARE MILE and would never have met otherwise.
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Old 08-05-2017, 01:08 PM
 
Location: Central NY
4,709 posts, read 3,276,460 times
Reputation: 12103
^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thank you HollyhockGarden!

Your post is quite inspiring. There is always more than one way to look at things. And I appreciate what you wrote as much as what Hefe wrote.

I have tried Match.com over the years, not especially successfully. But it's something to think about.

I recently read about a group of birdwatchers that go to an area to learn what the birds look like and their sounds. I might have to give that a try. Meet new people, get some fresh air and exercise. I just need to get off my butt and explore all the activities going on in my area.
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Old 08-05-2017, 01:57 PM
 
Location: VT; previously MD & NJ
2,238 posts, read 1,373,706 times
Reputation: 6498
Quote:
Originally Posted by NYgal1542 View Post
I am guessing this is mainly for those of us who are single, either by choice, divorce, widowhood. But it could also include married.

I'm just coming out of a bout of depression, seeing my life as the song sung by Peggy Lee.... "Is This All There Is?"

Lately it's been more painful than usual. I'm divorced 34+ years, have children but no close relationship with either one of them. The divorce was a tough one, found out some very sad things during and after. I was pretty much angry with men, lost any trust I might have with them, vowed I would never be interested in finding another.

Now at 75, I'm realizing how much I am missing a partner to get through the years that are left. I think I've wasted many years learning to be independent and having a fear of men. That question comes up (for me) a lot..... have I waited too long? Am I too old? Is there someone out there that I can have a mutual attraction with?

I know I have to make an effort of getting out there, having fun, discovering new interests, get a new attitude.

Do any of you feel lonely and like life passed you by? When I read some of these posts and hear you say "we" and "us" etc., I feel a tinge of envy....... how nice it must be to have someone to share life with, someone you can count on to be there if/when you need them.

Am I in need of a reality check?
I understand you perfectly. I am a bit younger than you and have been divorced 40+ years. In the early days I dated with the idea of finding a second husband. Found too many men with too many problems of their own. Somewhere along the line, I gave up. I guess I wasn't desperate enough, as I was earning a good living on my own.

I also used to focus on that song. Then I realized, that yes, this is all there is. It is up to me to find enjoyment in my life (and let go of the idea that a person must always be productive, contribute to society, and be busy busy, busy).

Many days I focus on the little things... the sun is shining, it's a beautiful day, nice to sit outside for awhile, watch the birds and squirrels, and the occasional hummingbird. Go to the dog park to laugh at the antics of the little dogs, and get some social time with the other dog parents. I take Osher classes occasionally to keep my brain stimulated. I looked into bird watching a while back. I thought it would be a nice way to spend time outdoors without requiring any athletic activity. Found out they meet up at 6am for their little excursions and I am not a morning person.

I would love to take some trips. I have enough money to go on a few, but have nobody to go with. That's hard. And I have my share of medical issues which drains my energy very quickly. No, I don't like the idea of traveling on my own, not even with a group tour.

Sometimes I think how nice it would be to have a partner to share life and activities with. But at this stage, the men in my generation are not so attractive (neither am I). And as others have said, a partner could be there to take care of you when you need it, or it could be the reverse... you end up taking care of him. I don't have the energy to do that.
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Old 08-05-2017, 02:18 PM
 
Location: Mount Airy, Maryland
10,499 posts, read 5,970,013 times
Reputation: 16283
Do you need a husband? Why not just a partner to do things with? There are a ton of meet up web sites for seniors, I'd go that route.
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Old 08-05-2017, 02:28 PM
 
6,385 posts, read 5,110,119 times
Reputation: 12965
I was thinking about something like this today.

My situation is that I am in caretaker mode. I have too many animals and they keep me up at night. I haven't slept well in days. I look terrible. I exercise almost daily trying to wear myself out so I can sleep.

Then I have two ill siblings. One I don't have much to do with cuz he is PITA, but the other one I take to appointments and other errands. She looks terrible - heart failure.

So between the humans and the animals, I feel like this is all there is. Never sleeping, never going anywhere.

I do have a roommate that was once my "boyfriend", but we are just now roommates. But we get along well and both help each other out. We just do not do anything together. Which is fine.

But I also think about having a companion that I can just travel around with and have fun.

I have been reaching out to other people and getting involved in local groups. It helps. It also shows me how many people there are out there that feel the same way - even the ones in relationships. Something is always going on - kid problems, parent problems. Nothing is easy.

A carefree retirement would be great!!
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Old 08-05-2017, 02:33 PM
 
Location: ☀️ SWFL ⛱ 🌴
2,455 posts, read 1,688,418 times
Reputation: 8801
I was witness to the meltdown of a friend's marriage in her driveway after being out with them one evening years ago. It was ugly, got even uglier and they divorced. She had a good career and enjoyed the company of her girl friends for activities and trips. She saw a few men through the years, boy toys, but had absolutely no interest in them as future partners. None, once had been enough for her.

A few years ago, she went on a cruise with a couple of friends and she met a nice couple and found they lived in a town a few miles from her. They got along together on the trip and became friends. The man's wife had a minor surgery, but died suddenly from a complication. He called my friend months later and wanted to know if he could come over, he needed someone to talk with.

They married last year after seeing each other for a couple of years. They are both in their mid-seventies, they sold their homes and bought one together. I visited them earlier this summer to see their place nestled out in the countryside and to meet the man my friend married. I loved seeing them together, they are happy and content.

I would have never guessed she would marry again after her bitter divorce and her love of freedom after years of being married to a selfish man. I was truly shocked when I got her phone call telling me she was getting married. That would have been the last thing I would have guessed.

NYGal, my takeaway from her story is to be out there, staying busy with your own life, and making your own happiness. Someone may come along, or they may not, but you will be content and happy with or without them.

Last edited by jean_ji; 08-05-2017 at 02:46 PM..
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Old 08-05-2017, 02:53 PM
 
Location: San Diego CA
4,924 posts, read 3,416,956 times
Reputation: 7907
A number of my single male friends with an age range anywhere from 50 up into the 70's appear to have found " romance " in the Philippines and seem quite contented with life there. I won't make any judgements.
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