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Old 08-08-2017, 10:38 AM
 
Location: Close to an earthquake
890 posts, read 679,057 times
Reputation: 2390

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This is my wife's current situation with her father who is 89 years old. My wife recently obtained a power of attorney and has her father's trust but his lifelong frugality is still a challenge. One brother wanted to strong-arm and force decisions on him. Father-in-law is timid so this could easily be done. My wife, on the other hand, is following an approach that allows her father to have his dignity so that approach takes more patience on her part which isn't her greatest virtue.

It's a challenge regardless and an opportunity for all of us to take notes when in a similar situation because one day it'll be our turn. And, who are we to think we won't be any less difficult?
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Old 08-08-2017, 10:42 AM
 
Location: Orlando
2,010 posts, read 2,648,712 times
Reputation: 7691
Quote:
Originally Posted by bigbear99 View Post
As long as granny is mentally competent, she can live the life she wants, and spend or not as she sees fit.

We all face the problem that our parents and our kids never seem to do thing the way we would, the way we want. That's totally normal, but does not suggest we should force our views on either group. Trust people unless you have a big reason not to, and in the case of parents, unless you're willing to go to court for a guardianship.

"Make her stay on one level?" Everyone has a right to self-determination. You should never force someone unless someone is at risk of bodily harm (or may be financial suicide - gambling etc.?)
Even then, you can't force them. As long as the person is legally competent, they have the legal right to do what they want, even if you don't agree with it. Best you can do is try to reason with them.

And legally competent means do they know who they are and where they are, and not much more. It's very difficult to have someone declared legally incompetent. It's not the same as "making stupid decisions."
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Old 08-08-2017, 11:35 AM
 
12,825 posts, read 20,166,929 times
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(Ancient American w/ Scots Irish mentality, either by blood or nurture)

"Ayyyyy ... ye cannae make me leave the ol' Hillbilly Shack! Th' only way t' git me outta here is inna pine box!"

(/Ancient American w/ Scots Irish mentality, either by blood or nurture)

Lord, please give the the strength to witness my own eventual declining condition and accept the inevitable. Amen.

BTW - The Hillbilly Shack is the absolute worst place to try and age in place. Stairs up the yin yang, a steep driveway that even with no ice is a slipping hazard, narrow doors, no grab bars, and so on. We will flip our own place and let some enterprising post IPO zillionaire come in and do the heavy lifting, since it's all negative ROI.
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Old 08-08-2017, 11:40 AM
 
Location: Central IL
15,253 posts, read 8,564,754 times
Reputation: 35698
Quote:
Originally Posted by WellShoneMoon View Post
Even then, you can't force them. As long as the person is legally competent, they have the legal right to do what they want, even if you don't agree with it. Best you can do is try to reason with them.

And legally competent means do they know who they are and where they are, and not much more. It's very difficult to have someone declared legally incompetent. It's not the same as "making stupid decisions."
You may not be able to force someone but if you no longer agree with their direction you can withdraw your support which can make their current situation untenable. You can't force THEM, but they can't force YOU to continue doing something you don't think is in their long term best interest...STOP ENABLING!
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Old 08-08-2017, 11:53 AM
 
Location: SoCal
13,307 posts, read 6,369,679 times
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She doesn't want to spend down her savings because that's like her security blanket. I don't think it has anything to do with leaving to next generation. I wouldn't move either. I just live downstairs. Moving is very hard for older people.
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Old 08-08-2017, 11:59 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,651 posts, read 17,632,423 times
Reputation: 27754
She's not legally incompetent. Stubborn and demanding, but not incompetent.

Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
You may not be able to force someone but if you no longer agree with their direction you can withdraw your support which can make their current situation untenable. You can't force THEM, but they can't force YOU to continue doing something you don't think is in their long term best interest...STOP ENABLING!
We may have to do this. I've been taking care of the yard most of the summer. She hires another person who will trim bushes and occasionally do stuff during the day. I've been getting the groceries and bringing them by.

If we weren't there doing all this for her, she'd probably have to go to an ALF.

Quote:
Originally Posted by NewbieHere View Post
She doesn't want to spend down her savings because that's like her security blanket. I don't think it has anything to do with leaving to next generation. I wouldn't move either. I just live downstairs. Moving is very hard for older people.
The house really isn't going to be configurable for that. There's no place on the main level to install a restroom. The kitchen is on the main level. The bedrooms are upstairs. A chair lift would make the most sense, but I still don't think this is viable long-term.
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Old 08-08-2017, 12:02 PM
 
Location: Central IL
15,253 posts, read 8,564,754 times
Reputation: 35698
Quote:
Originally Posted by NewbieHere View Post
She doesn't want to spend down her savings because that's like her security blanket. I don't think it has anything to do with leaving to next generation. I wouldn't move either. I just live downstairs. Moving is very hard for older people.
And staying can be very hard on the people that you push to do stuff for you that allows you to "live on your own". We all have to know our limitations and hanging on to a multi-level house when you don't have at least a bedroom and bathroom on your living level is the sign of someone not planning ahead.

I often hear of retired folks intentionally buying 2 story homes because going up and down stairs every day will keep them in shape! Guess they can't imagine any kind of accident or later illness that might burst their bubble - more reasonable to have a workout plan to stay in shape and not use your home.
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Old 08-08-2017, 12:05 PM
 
Location: Eastern Washington
14,272 posts, read 44,979,824 times
Reputation: 12897
Can you not convince her to use savings short term to get a more suitable home, then, when she sells the existing house, she can "recoup" most or all of the savings?

I understand this and yeah I am Scot-Irish-Hillbilly too. It takes a lifetime to build up a good nest egg, and at least to me some of this money is "strategic" - it's OK to spend it on something that will make money, it's tolerable to spend on something that will hold its value, but anathema to spend it on ordinary expenses.
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Old 08-08-2017, 12:12 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,651 posts, read 17,632,423 times
Reputation: 27754
Quote:
Originally Posted by M3 Mitch View Post
Can you not convince her to use savings short term to get a more suitable home, then, when she sells the existing house, she can "recoup" most or all of the savings?

I understand this and yeah I am Scot-Irish-Hillbilly too. It takes a lifetime to build up a good nest egg, and at least to me some of this money is "strategic" - it's OK to spend it on something that will make money, it's tolerable to spend on something that will hold its value, but anathema to spend it on ordinary expenses.
She wants to sell her home FIRST, then find something. She really doesn't want to use any of her current savings. That's the problem.

The home is not valuable enough to buy the home she wants/needs. She may end up having to take a $50,000 - $100,000 mortgage. I don't think paying cash for the home, even if she could, is smart considering she's likely to end up ALF/SNF in a few years anyway.
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Old 08-08-2017, 12:42 PM
 
Location: SoCal
13,307 posts, read 6,369,679 times
Reputation: 9937
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post


The house really isn't going to be configurable for that. There's no place on the main level to install a restroom. The kitchen is on the main level. The bedrooms are upstairs. A chair lift would make the most sense, but I still don't think this is viable long-term.
My friend in the U.K. does this for a living, outfitting home with stairs for seniors. No need to move. Why can't we do that here in USA.
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