U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 08-09-2017, 10:14 AM
 
Location: Central IL
15,222 posts, read 8,518,332 times
Reputation: 35617

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by selhars View Post
OP, obviously you care about your GM or you wouldn't have posted.
At this stage you all are just exploring alternatives....just know it could take a while for GM to believe that things are changing.

The three of you can just keep presenting ideas and alternatives to your GM about how to make grandma's life easier. Try subtle psychology on GM. Just know that as one person said.....that approach just takes longer. But forcing the issue will make grandma more resistant. Try to point out all the positives about whatever move she chooses....socializing with other people, activities right at the facility, cooking done for you -- you just go and eat, shuttle service to nearby amenities, etc.

As for putting a bathroom on the first floor.
1) There aren't many retro fits and universal access changes that absolutely canNOT be done to a home. Now, whether your grandmother or anyone else is willing to PAY for whatever changes may need to be done -- is another story. The harder the remodel is to do, the more it will cost.

2) One question is -- are those changes WORTH doing? Will it change the house enough to hinder a sale (although handicapped access is a selling point for some). If you spend money on those changes -- realistically -- how long would that allow GM to stay in the house anyway?

I reread your post, and as of now you haven't said she' can't be alone. So it seems GM just has a mobility issue. But you also said she uses a walker. So I take it she's a fall risk even when walking. So the stairs are not her only mobility issue. But she's still cooking and cleaning and doing all her own laundry. Taking care of her own personal needs, etc?

3) How much money DOES GM have? Enough to make changes to the house, stay for a few years, and then still move into a place if she can't be alone at that point?

How long would her money last if she (you all, for her) hired help and companions to just do what she can't do. There's nothing wrong with that. I hired a lawn service -- just because I didn't want to cut the grass. People hire professionals to do things they don't want to -- or can't do -- all the time.

IF GM can afford it -- and at the point your assistance is too draining on the three of you.....then you could also hire someone to do the things YOU and your mom and aunt are doing for GM.

If she has a good amount of money -- how concerned do you really even need to be -- about her spending money on the house so she can stay.....even IF she may not get all that money back should she eventually sell or have to move.

In one scenario she's spending money on a move or on an ALF, in the other she's spending money on the house and services, but she gets to stay where SHE wants to be....in her own home.
So the OP and family should spend their own money to perform services for GM that they no longer wish to do? Right, since GM won't spend her own cash? No, they'll just have to stop doing stuff and wait for GM to truly understand that she is not facing reality and reality costs real MONEY.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 08-09-2017, 10:51 AM
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
37,097 posts, read 45,613,761 times
Reputation: 61718
If granny won't spend what it would cost to get her situated appropriately, why don't you relatives find out what it will cost to make the house she has livable? Perhaps if she has the actual numbers, she will realize that she can either spend the money here, on some remodeling and hiring out yard work, or spend the money there, by moving to a condo, but either option will cost her money. Is her nest egg invested? You might make sure it is earning for her, and if so, perhaps just taking the interest every month would not bother her as much as spending the principal. We, for example, don't have a lot, but we still get a "free car" with some interest every month.

She is just guilty of magical thinking, so keep explaining her options until she gets it. Just because she wants something to be so, doesn't mean it is.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-09-2017, 11:21 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,579 posts, read 17,553,447 times
Reputation: 27645
Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
So the OP and family should spend their own money to perform services for GM that they no longer wish to do? Right, since GM won't spend her own cash? No, they'll just have to stop doing stuff and wait for GM to truly understand that she is not facing reality and reality costs real MONEY.
My aunt is facing that layoff. She sent me a text between posts this morning that the layoffs were coming earlier than anticipated. My parents do not have the money to help at all. I can help here and there, but with my own job up in the air and potentially buying a house soon myself, I'm limited in what I can do.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-09-2017, 11:58 AM
 
Location: Philadelphia/South Jersey area
2,872 posts, read 1,402,350 times
Reputation: 10071
Quote:
Originally Posted by WellShoneMoon View Post
You've said what you think Grandma needs, but what does Grandma want? Does she want to continue staying with your aunt? And if so, how does the aunt feel about that?

If Grandma simply doesn't want to spend money, you can't force her to. I think you need to start by finding out what she wants to do.
but some times what seniors WANT and what they can do are too totally opposite things and seniors some times fail to realize that their inaction causes the rest of the family harm.

I am facing this with my MIL. she wants to stay in her 3 bedroom, 3 floor townhome but she is 85 years old with severe arthritis, has already fallen and given herself a hernie.

Same thing, she refuses to sell because she has one son who is incarcerated and she wants to save the house for him if he ever gets release from prison (so not going to happen). meanwhile the rest of the family suffers. we are the ones who have to make sure Mom is ok. EVERY DAY. her grandkids are starting to resent it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-09-2017, 02:33 PM
 
7,798 posts, read 4,385,889 times
Reputation: 11589
If you have money that could be used for your care and "hide" it (which is what the spend-down, early inheritance, or "estate planning" is) to avoid supporting yourself, instead relying on the taxpayers to cover your nursing home bill, that's plain and simple theft, as far as I'm concerned.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-09-2017, 03:12 PM
 
2,675 posts, read 1,539,886 times
Reputation: 2587
Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
So the OP and family should spend their own money to perform services for GM that they no longer wish to do? Right, since GM won't spend her own cash? No, they'll just have to stop doing stuff and wait for GM to truly understand that she is not facing reality and reality costs real MONEY.
Maybe a bit harsh, but on the right track.

Until you've seen it up close with a relative, it's probably hard to understand how much a senior can be attached to home, and perhaps a small pot of money. If granny is old enough to be touched by the Depression of the thirtys, or even lived through WWII, it should be no surprise of her attachment to her savings "just in case". I have a very frustrated cousin whose mother, a child of the depression, just won't listen to his common sense. She insists on staying in her 4 bd 2 story surburban home, even though her driving is very limited due to sight issues. But he and his sister are having to live with mom's choices - mom holds the cards. Personally, I think auntie would be better off in assisted living, but it's not my call.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-09-2017, 09:13 PM
 
6,878 posts, read 7,276,074 times
Reputation: 9786
I should have been more clear. The OP, mom or aunt -- could, once the grandmother agrees to have some help -- hire people to do it ....using GM's money, OR -- yes they can pay for it IF they wish..... and if they can afford it, of course.

The first step is to get GM to see that she needs the help.

This is what's -- uh, interesting about cases like this.....
As is clear, the OP, mom and aunt ARE helping out -- so GM is already not living totally independently. She just is getting help from family members. It doesn't sound like GM understands that the family help is what's allowing her to stay as "independent" as is she......such as it is.

How far do people suggest they pull back? Not shop for her and so she doesn't have food to eat? Not come help clean the house so it becomes a health hazard?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-10-2017, 05:30 AM
 
Location: Central IL
15,222 posts, read 8,518,332 times
Reputation: 35617
Quote:
Originally Posted by selhars View Post
I should have been more clear. The OP, mom or aunt -- could, once the grandmother agrees to have some help -- hire people to do it ....using GM's money, OR -- yes they can pay for it IF they wish..... and if they can afford it, of course.

The first step is to get GM to see that she needs the help.

This is what's -- uh, interesting about cases like this.....
As is clear, the OP, mom and aunt ARE helping out -- so GM is already not living totally independently. She just is getting help from family members. It doesn't sound like GM understands that the family help is what's allowing her to stay as "independent" as is she......such as it is.

How far do people suggest they pull back? Not shop for her and so she doesn't have food to eat? Not come help clean the house so it becomes a health hazard?
Not talking going without for MONTHS. Doing perhaps the most basic. Sure - there will be cold cereal in the house and bread/cold cuts but nothing of her favorite foods. A little dirt never killed anyone but she may not like the looks of it. Not bringing in the mail. Doing errands once a month - thus making her wait until it is convenient for OP. Doing the yard every couple weeks...I don't know...OP will have to get creative but allow her to SEE and FEEL what people are doing for her.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-10-2017, 05:32 AM
 
Location: Raleigh
8,046 posts, read 5,890,079 times
Reputation: 9785
Quote:
Originally Posted by otterhere View Post
If you have money that could be used for your care and "hide" it<>that's plain and simple theft, as far as I'm concerned.
Yes, and Medicaid will come after the estate for it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-10-2017, 06:49 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,579 posts, read 17,553,447 times
Reputation: 27645
Quote:
Originally Posted by selhars View Post
I should have been more clear. The OP, mom or aunt -- could, once the grandmother agrees to have some help -- hire people to do it ....using GM's money, OR -- yes they can pay for it IF they wish..... and if they can afford it, of course.

The first step is to get GM to see that she needs the help.

This is what's -- uh, interesting about cases like this.....
As is clear, the OP, mom and aunt ARE helping out -- so GM is already not living totally independently. She just is getting help from family members. It doesn't sound like GM understands that the family help is what's allowing her to stay as "independent" as is she......such as it is.

How far do people suggest they pull back? Not shop for her and so she doesn't have food to eat? Not come help clean the house so it becomes a health hazard?
Exactly, and that's what people don't seem to understand. Grandmother hasn't been truly independent for quite some time.

My life, despite how much I post on the forums during the day, is actually quite busy in the evening. When I lived in Indiana, I had no family around, and life is simple when you're taking care of just yourself, paying bills just for yourself,
no pets, etc. Being back here, life is a lot more work. There is always a family member needing something. Aunt in the story (one I'm closest to) and grandmother are both widows. They need help around the house often. We have five cats. Taking care of five cats and cleaning the house is a chore. The yard is an acre and a half on a steep hill. I do the push mowing for that weekly (dad usually rides it). I do the mowing for grandmother's relatively small yard (only takes about an hour pushing), get her groceries during the week, etc. I do all the laundry for the household. My mother doesn't help out with my grandmother at all - in fact, my mother is very obese with other health issues and can barely take care of herself. One of the things that really gets me mad about this situation is mom is basically absent in this entire process, leaving aunt and me to do it all.

I work 8-5. Monday and Tuesday were spent taking care of mom and grandmother until at least 8 PM. I got mom something to eat last night before leaving at 6 and taking a walk with my girlfriend. I joined a new gym about three weeks ago and have only been about three times, largely due to the family schedule in the evenings.

Grandmother's obstinance is frustrating, but it's only a part of my larger family frustrations.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top