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Old 08-21-2017, 04:36 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,723,738 times
Reputation: 32304

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Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
Don't people marry so they won't be alone? The same could be said for the childfree people who marry. They're selfish because they are using another person so they won't be alone in their old age.
So they'll have someone to help them when they are old.

There are lots of reasons people marry. In many countries (depending on the social stratum) marriages are arranged by the two sets of parents for the financial and social advantage of both families. Two individuals (a man and a woman) can marry for the same motivation even without the input of their parents. Some people may marry just because it's the thing to do. Others marry because they are deeply in love and they wish to live with the other person and avail themselves of the legal advantages of the partnership. This may or may not involve any particular thought of old age.


Although I married late in life (27), I had no thought whatsoever about old age, which seemed to me at the time to be impossibly far into the future. My (ex) wife and I married because we were deeply in love, but people fall out of love, other feelings intervene, and our marriage lasted only ten years. None of us know what the future will hold, as other posters have said.


So in answer to your opening question ("Don't people marry so they won't be alone?") I would say, maybe some do but that is only one of several possible motivations for marriage.
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Old 08-21-2017, 04:41 PM
 
7,977 posts, read 11,652,026 times
Reputation: 10473
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar View Post
The nicer thing to do would be to just kill yourself before you become elderly instead of bringing a child into the world just because you don't want to grow old and alone. What if that child ends up growing old and alone? Oh well, sucks to be them! At least YOU got taken care of, right?
Why on earth is everyone giving this guy grief over wanting to get married and have kids so he isn't alone? That is why people get married! Its perfectly normal and common.

People who whine about being elder orphans when they have family with so many excuses. Govt social networks were set up by and large to take care of people who end up, for whatever reason, with no one.
Now they have to bear the burden of people with family stubbornly refusing put family first and take care of each other. I must hear on tv every dang day someone says "family is everything". You folks here certainly don't prove that out. You want to live where you want to live and expect someone else to take care of you?
I get that some family doesn't get along. But that's not mostly what I see here. My next door neighbor just had extensive surgery on her wrist. First week she stayed with her son, after that her sister came from several thousand miles away and stayed with her a week. People here make it sound like that is just so inconvient. Yea, but I thought that is what family was for.
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Old 08-21-2017, 04:46 PM
 
13,872 posts, read 7,381,208 times
Reputation: 25346
Quote:
Originally Posted by otterhere View Post
I'm genuinely curious what level of "support" people are expecting from their families... Can you specify what, precisely, you think they'll actually be doing for you?
My mother has dementia. I manage all her affairs. A couple of years ago, I had 3 or 4 months where it was a 60 hour per week job. It's now mostly self-managing and a lot less time. My mom has enough money to last another 4 years in assisted living if she doesn't deteriorate to the point where she needs more skilled care than they can offer. Beyond that, my sister and I may need to step up financially. It's tough to project out 4 years with dementia and an 85 year old. At a minimum, I'll have to work out where she goes next and project manage moving her.

I'm pretty affluent but I'm focused on lining up my own retirement in 6 years or so. It would cause me some hardship as a retiree to spend my nest egg on my mother. My sister is in better financial shape than I am but it's not bottomless for her either. We'll step up and do the right thing but if my mother no longer is coherent enough to recognize us, I'm not interested in spending big money on a high end skilled nursing facility. She'll fall into the Medicaid system if the Republicans don't kill it.
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Old 08-21-2017, 04:48 PM
 
7,790 posts, read 4,378,976 times
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I singlehandedly provided 24/7 nursing-home level care in the home to my own mother for several years (I took a leave of absence from work), so I know what's actually involved. I also know that - for most - "caregiving" means an occasional ride to a doctor or a visit to a facility, so I know that most aren't prepared to do what actually needs to be done. I think it's quite nave of people to assume that just because they're married and have kids, they're set for life -- and death.
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Old 08-21-2017, 05:00 PM
 
5,419 posts, read 3,440,673 times
Reputation: 13649
Quote:
Originally Posted by Giesela View Post

Now they have to bear the burden of people with family stubbornly refusing put family first and take care of each other.
Not quite sure what you are saying. Do you have thousands and thousands of dollars to place and pay for a parent in an Assisted Living dwelling or a skilled nursing home setting?

Maybe you're saying take care of a parent or sibling to a certain point? - as an example, travel hundreds of miles to be with someone after surgery.
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Old 08-21-2017, 05:13 PM
 
Location: Central NY
4,650 posts, read 3,235,973 times
Reputation: 11907
I think the time of adult children taking in or someway helping their aged, sick parents has long gone.
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Old 08-21-2017, 05:22 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,723,738 times
Reputation: 32304
Quote:
Originally Posted by Giesela View Post
..............


Now they have to bear the burden of people with family stubbornly refusing put family first and take care of each other. I must hear on tv every dang day someone says "family is everything". You folks here certainly don't prove that out. You want to live where you want to live and expect someone else to take care of you?
I get that some family doesn't get along. But that's not mostly what I see here. My next door neighbor just had extensive surgery on her wrist. First week she stayed with her son, after that her sister came from several thousand miles away and stayed with her a week. People here make it sound like that is just so inconvient. Yea, but I thought that is what family was for.

I find your take on things, especially the sentence I bolded, to be overly simplistic. "Putting family first" may mean putting one's own children first. Many marriages (and thus families) have been destroyed by the stress of caring for grandma or grandpa in one's own home.


A lot depends on what level of commitment you mean. Staying for a week, or having mother stay for a week, is one thing - a relatively minor level of commitment, although even that may not be feasible depending on the circumstances.
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Old 08-21-2017, 05:38 PM
 
Location: Sugarland
13,751 posts, read 12,709,087 times
Reputation: 16600
Quote:
Originally Posted by Giesela View Post
Why on earth is everyone giving this guy grief over wanting to get married and have kids so he isn't alone? That is why people get married! Its perfectly normal and common.

People who whine about being elder orphans when they have family with so many excuses. Govt social networks were set up by and large to take care of people who end up, for whatever reason, with no one.
Now they have to bear the burden of people with family stubbornly refusing put family first and take care of each other. I must hear on tv every dang day someone says "family is everything". You folks here certainly don't prove that out. You want to live where you want to live and expect someone else to take care of you?
I get that some family doesn't get along. But that's not mostly what I see here. My next door neighbor just had extensive surgery on her wrist. First week she stayed with her son, after that her sister came from several thousand miles away and stayed with her a week. People here make it sound like that is just so inconvient. Yea, but I thought that is what family was for.
I'm not giving him grief. I can certainly understand why he feels that way. I'm just asking him to look at things from his potential child's perspective. If a child is willing and able to help you out in old age, great. But that shouldn't be the only plan.
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Old 08-21-2017, 05:46 PM
 
Location: Sugarland
13,751 posts, read 12,709,087 times
Reputation: 16600
Quote:
Originally Posted by NYgal1542 View Post
I think the time of adult children taking in or someway helping their aged, sick parents has long gone.
No, it still happens. My grandparents lived at home until they died and pretty much the only help they had was their children. But it's tough and as an only child with two parents who may one day need help, that's not a role that I want to take on by myself. Also like someone said above, I can't afford to spend my money on their care when I have to consider my own needs when I get old since I won't have any children to dump all those responsibilities on.
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Old 08-21-2017, 05:51 PM
 
5,419 posts, read 3,440,673 times
Reputation: 13649
Most women have jobs and careers outside of the home these days. So most are not stay-at-home wives or singles able to take an aged parent or parents into their home (or apartment) and care for them.

(some elderly can live with and stay alone during the day in the home of their daughter or son, but often not or they wouldn't want to; it's still a major life change for the son/daughter)

My mother took in her father (my grandfather) into her home and let him live with my parents for 8 or 10 years. My Mom never had a job outside of her home at that point.

And before that, my mother took lots of care of her mother who lived 6 blocks away who had been in a gas explosion and was confined to a wheelchair - lots of care by my mother for many years. Her father was there all the time - but my Mom still was devoted in giving them attention.

Also sometimes an aged parent needs skilled nursing care, so keeping the aged parent in the home of a son or daughter is not feasible.

That was an era where more family members all lived in the same town. My parents and both sets of their parents all lived in the same town their entire lives.

Last edited by matisse12; 08-21-2017 at 06:30 PM..
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