U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
Old 09-06-2017, 02:20 PM
 
11,621 posts, read 9,107,469 times
Reputation: 29631

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by newcomputer View Post
you are 39????????


well, let's say that (heaven forbid) you break both your legs in the next ten years, and you manage fine on your own because that's the kind of person you are. Then 30 years later the pain in your legs is bad enough that even you must take a small amount of pain reliever which makes you a little dizzy, kills your appetite, etc, etc, and you fall and break your arm or maybe your hip, and if they have to operate, you don't come out of surgery exactly 100% the person you were before they put you under......


those are all reasons why things might be different in "old age"


I have a grandson a few years younger than you. If he spoke to me as you have, I would insist we have a serious conversation
I'm 48. If any of those things happened to me, I would do what I've done for decades. I would handle it. I would look for a solution and handle it the best way I could.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 09-06-2017, 02:52 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
26,681 posts, read 25,344,643 times
Reputation: 33258
Quote:
Originally Posted by Escort Rider View Post
In my view, it is not "early" to check out when we reach the point where we cannot care for ourselves. Rather, it is exactly the right time.
I agree.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-06-2017, 03:05 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
26,681 posts, read 25,344,643 times
Reputation: 33258
Quote:
Originally Posted by otterhere View Post
Your criterion is the inability to care for oneself; that applies to more than the elderly. Unless you're just in favor of discrimination based on age.
His choice for his life. If someone wants to hang around through old age and infirmity, so be it. I don't think anyone should have to if they don't want to.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-06-2017, 04:30 PM
 
Location: Fresno, CA
1,071 posts, read 1,089,775 times
Reputation: 1980
After caring, for several years, at different times, for both of my parents, I was aware of the importance of having a plan for end of life or disability. And of the importance of having someone that actually cares what happens to you and is familiar with and will honor your wishes as much as practically possible.

I thought I had it covered. My younger brother, by 8 1/2, years also traveled that, often emotional, journey with both of our parents. We shared that feeling of importance of having a plan. MANY times we discussed our wishes in detail. And, of course, I expected to precede him to the end by several years. But, life has a sense of irony.

So, I find myself an elder orphan. My brother had also been my roommate for some years. We had different schedules. (He worked 2nd shift.) Mostly different interests/activities. I spent time with friends and he, often, with his daughter. We were both pretty independent. Me more by choice, him more by circumstance. Often we exchanged only a few quick words coming or going. But we were friends, we had in depth conversations about current events, this or that. He liked to reminisce and triggered my recall of things I would never otherwise have remembered. We went out to dinner a couple of times a month and had the occasional movie night. He had a kind heart.

The actual intense and traumatizing experiences of his year plus illness were such a roller coaster and so emotionally depleting. He conceivably could have lived for years in his fully paralyzed body or died before his next breath. I was blessed (in part by retirement) to be by his bedside most all day everyday. We talked about everything. It made all the difference in his life and he was so grateful. When he was no longer with me, the weight of grief was heavy and filled with questions that would never be answered. But, the shock of feeling TRULY alone, of really being an ORPHAN was omnipresent. It changed so much about my plans, my security and my sense of strength as an independent person. The thought of aging was more daunting without FAMILY. I will not likely have anyone to do those things for me that I felt so fortunate (difficult as they were) to do for my family.

I realized that friends are, of late, telephone friends and, less often now, occasional lunch or dinner friends. They have their own lives (parent care, grandchild care, work) and some of those issues of getting older that make people more entrenched in their own attitudes that aren't conducive to being good company OR one's back-up person. (If one friend looked out for my care, I would get the CHEAPEST of everything. )

If I were ill and needed items from the store or a trip to the dr., my friends would fit me in and drive the miles out here to help out. For anything much bigger, who would I call? I was raised cross country from my even older cousins. My late 20's niece returned here because she loved her dad. She's sweet, very smart and a great, busy mom to her young toddler. But, when I discuss anything that entails any care or responsibility issues beyond what she already has, her eyes start to glaze over. The experience with her dad was awful for her, too.

Another potential elder orphan friend and I discuss this often. His mom, whom he helps a lot and vice versa, is in her late 80's. Having a plan, health care directive, financial plan all nicely put together with a note on the fridge door is important. But life, health, end of life are all fraught with the unexpected and unanticipated. If you're conscious enough to care and feel but not enough to communicate or advocate for yourself (and, boy, have I seen ALL varieties of that in hospitals), who can you trust to know you and look out for you? A hard question. The devil is in the details and you need your own ANGEL to deal with them.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-06-2017, 06:36 PM
 
4,508 posts, read 2,236,472 times
Reputation: 9571
Indeed, Molly, and that's exactly how many people find themselves orphaned. None of us start out that way. And when we were younger, none of us thought much about it and surely didn't expect we'd be the last one standing.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-07-2017, 03:02 AM
 
13,770 posts, read 26,273,887 times
Reputation: 22216
Depends on what kind of family you came from and if you had another family later on. I have always felt quite alone in that sense. If I think of a problem in life, it's almost like a nervous tic to come up with Plan B and Plan C and Plan D.

I have also always wanted to have enough money to pay people for various help, not limited to potential frail old age. So far, so good. Making that money has come at a price to well being, I'll admit, but that was/has been my choice. It's the main reason I find my impending retirement in January somewhat nerve-wracking- to live on a fixed (albeit decent) income.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-10-2017, 03:35 PM
 
Location: Midvale, Idaho
1,568 posts, read 2,453,728 times
Reputation: 1971
Quote:
Originally Posted by PAhippo View Post
To me, it's the natural progression of life.

By the time an individual is 'elder' they should not be so dependent on parents. Not saying it doesn't hurt to lose them but that's the way it is.


(and Yes, I've lost both of mine.)
I actually joined the group from this post and am very pleased. It really has nothing to do about parents even with the orphan title tacked on. It is more us elders that have no spouse either though divorce widowed or just never married. No kids or siblings living close. Or estranged children. Once in awhile some one with kids comments and usually some one will make a comment about the rules in a polite way. Or the guide lines will be brought up. I guess a few have spouses in care homes with dementia. The title orphan means we are alone and the requirement of elder usually means most of our parents are gone. My mother happens to still be alive. I do speak to her on the phone but have not seen her in over 20 years. Too long of a story to get into. Lets just say hoarding is a big part of it and living over 1000 miles apart. i do not fly. I also have siblings i have not seen in well over 20 years. Just live too far away from them no issues with them at all. They have their own issues/problems.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-10-2017, 03:50 PM
 
5,748 posts, read 3,731,234 times
Reputation: 14727
When you join the Elder Orphan group on Facebook, Shades_of_idaho, does your photo automatically appear on the front of the Facebook Elder Orphan page to indicate that you now are a member? It seems like there should be an alternative to having one's photo appear there which serves as an announcement that you are now a member of the group - for those who prefer not to have their photo automatically appear on the front page as a new member.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-10-2017, 07:10 PM
 
Location: Midvale, Idaho
1,568 posts, read 2,453,728 times
Reputation: 1971
I never paid any attention. It did on a widows group I joined and I was scammed like crazy the first week or two. The group also warned about this happening. You could always change your profile photo to your dog or cat or a flower or anything if you do not want it showing up as a photo of you. It will follow you through everything on FB though. Can not do groups on one profile and friends on another unless you set up two identities and I do not think you are supposed to do so. you can also set your securities high enough to keep people from friending you and adding in other blocks as needed.

So far I am enjoying this group. They have a lot of information for people in my situation being an orphan. How to cope and seems to have a lot of support. I dropped the three widow groups I tried out. Too much pity party for me. Yes I miss my hubby but whining about does no one any good and I believe it can drive people away from you. I am trying to be upbeat.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-11-2017, 09:01 AM
 
Location: Lakewood OH
21,697 posts, read 24,267,649 times
Reputation: 35573
Quote:
Originally Posted by shades_of_idaho View Post
I actually joined the group from this post and am very pleased. It really has nothing to do about parents even with the orphan title tacked on. It is more us elders that have no spouse either though divorce widowed or just never married. No kids or siblings living close. Or estranged children. Once in awhile some one with kids comments and usually some one will make a comment about the rules in a polite way. Or the guide lines will be brought up. I guess a few have spouses in care homes with dementia. The title orphan means we are alone and the requirement of elder usually means most of our parents are gone. My mother happens to still be alive. I do speak to her on the phone but have not seen her in over 20 years. Too long of a story to get into. Lets just say hoarding is a big part of it and living over 1000 miles apart. i do not fly. I also have siblings i have not seen in well over 20 years. Just live too far away from them no issues with them at all. They have their own issues/problems.
Sounds like they have decided to follow the guidelines more strictly than they did a year or so ago when I joined. At that time many people were posting about their relationships with their kids or family and how they were in frequent communication. If someone pointed out this was against the rules and brought up the guidelines at that time, chances were they would get negative comments. The emphasis was not on elders alone as it was supposed to be.

I think Carol just allowed it to get out of hand and wasn't controlling the situation. I emailed her telling her my concerns about the group deviating from what its original intentions and although she agreed with me she was just content to let it be.

If it's really about elder orphans now, I am all for it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2020, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top