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Old 08-19-2017, 06:55 PM
 
10,357 posts, read 7,972,760 times
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OK, here's an article about the type of communal cooperative housing options I was suggesting. They DO exist. It's called cohousing:


"What exactly is a cohousing community? The majority of cohousing communities are 15 to 35 private and individual homes built around a common area that encourages interaction. These “intentional neighborhoods” invite residents to be “neighborly” and stay socially active. Residents regularly and collaboratively plan community activities, meals and shared spaces. Nearly all have a common house with a kitchen and meeting space, while others have a garden, a pool or hot tub. What’s obvious is that when neighbors know each other well, it provides a useful solution for anyone who just occasionally needs a helping hand."

Really, it's not unlike a really friendly condo complex. I used to live in one that was really friendly and where people helped each other out. For example, I regularly pet-sat, and in the winter got groceries for older folks (80+), and brushed snow and ice off their cars. What was great is that I made friends of all ages. It's nice to know 20-somethings, or interact with little kids occasionally. The condo complex I am in now, which is 55+, is not so much like that. I really do not like age-segregation at all, I don't even get the concept, and when everyone is older, you have fewer who want or are able to do some of those helpful tasks for others.

In fact the older people at the complex where I live now seem suspicious if you offer to help them. I can think of two instances. Last year before a hurricane I went up and offered to an older lady to put up her hurricane shutters. She almost looked afraid and said her son would help her. But I knew she had no kids. And then just recently I saw a lady with a walker drive the few yards to the laundry room. I went up and offered to give her a hand with her laundry, i.e lifting it. She too looked disconcerted and said she was just there to get her mail. BTW I'm just an average 59 year old woman, I don't look threatening. So, I don't know. (The lady from the hurricane did end up dying alone in her condo a few months ago.)

Is a Cohousing Community in Your Future? | HuffPost
http://www.cohousing.org/directory

Last edited by ellemint; 08-19-2017 at 07:32 PM..
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Old 08-19-2017, 08:12 PM
 
20,701 posts, read 13,720,547 times
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By all accounts experts predict the coming decades (at least until the last of boomers age off this planet), will see more "Golden Girls" type of arrangements for seniors.


That is two, three or more unrelated seniors coming together and forming a "family" sort of unit. Not just living under one roof; lord knows that has been done for ages in things like boarding houses. But people actually becoming emotional and otherwise involved with each other.


When you look at the GGs the only one truly capable of standing on her own two feet financially was Blanche. She had that house, and tons of money, but was lonely. Why I never understood since her bedroom door had the Golden Arches over it; but that is another story....


Rose, Dorothy and Sophia all had reasons for needing to find a co-share/roommate situation, but the most prominent one was financial.


Personally think females are better at finding ways to manage being "alone" in senior years than most males.


Watched "About Schmidt" the other night; and it occurred to me how many real life guys like Warren Schmidt must be out there. Guys who retire/reach senior citizen status and find themselves "alone". Even having money (as Warren Schmidt clearly did) is not a good insulator against loneliness. Nor is it likely much comfort when you have to basically pay someone to care for you (home help/heath aide) that may or may not give a rat's behind if you live or die.




Like that old song says; if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with...."
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Old 08-19-2017, 08:14 PM
 
910 posts, read 528,866 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by in_newengland View Post
When I visited my new senior apartment last week one person was saying that just last week someone was found dead in their apartment and had been dead for days. People live alone, can't afford or don't want help and they die in their homes, often from a fall.

But there are laws about people who are known to be in terrible condition and not able to survive on their own. If they won't let caretakers come in, they are put into a nursing home.

So I guess you are not "allowed" to willfully die at home but if it happens unexpectedly, it will happen.

Yes, people die all the time alone in those terribly sad circumstances. My point earlier was directed to the poster who had moved to a rural area and was determined to die at home and resist his daughters' attempts for him to move near them. It's different when you have adult children who care about your well-being. My parent might want to live alone and die at home, but if I know that parent has regressed to the mental state of a toddler and cannot be alone at the very least I have a moral obligation to step in and help. What is an adult child supposed to do in this situation? Ignore it all and have their parent found dead after weeks?
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Old 08-19-2017, 08:43 PM
 
Location: Missouri
346 posts, read 160,608 times
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Re: the medical alert devices, the person has to be of reasonably sound mind for it to be worthwhile. We thought my mother was, so got her one. She was in her 80s and living in an independent seniors apartment. The device turned out to be a constant problem since she had trouble understanding what it was for. She was always accidentally setting it off, taking it off and forgetting to put it back on, the battery was going dead, or something--it's been 12 years, so I can't remember the particulars. But we had to give up on it in the end.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MyNameIsBellaMia View Post
A lot of people in my senior community have those things and don't wear them. They truly are a PITA. And they cost money in the form of a monthly fee, thereby raising your "phone bill" to unacceptable amounts, imo.
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Old 08-19-2017, 09:36 PM
 
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
7,290 posts, read 4,145,583 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CatHerder View Post
Re: the medical alert devices, the person has to be of reasonably sound mind for it to be worthwhile.
The senior also has to be conscious after the fall in order to push the button. Which may not be the case if the senior hit his/her head during the fall, or if the cause of the fall was a stroke or a major heart attack.
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Old 08-19-2017, 09:38 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,304 posts, read 10,753,854 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thinkalot View Post
This is exactly what people were complaining about. We are talking about elder orphans and you bring up people whose children have moved! Those children can get on a plane or write a check in an emergency. It is not the same as being an elder orphan!
That sounds great in theory, but it's not realistic for most people. We've been through this with my husband's parents. We could not just take off work, leave the pets, and hope on a plane at a moment's notice. We even had 3 weeks notice for his father's wedding and we were not able to attend. We just couldn't make it happen. Jobs dictate a lot in life. And most people have children so they can't yank the kids from school for a long period of time. Moving is also not an option for most due to their jobs, expense of moving, etc. So if you're all alone where you live, I do see you as an elder orphan.
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Old 08-19-2017, 11:50 PM
 
Location: Garbage, NC
3,124 posts, read 2,046,060 times
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If not for my husband and I, my mother-in-law (who is actually my husband's grandma, but she raised him from when he was a toddler) would be an elder orphan. Her husband passed away a few years ago. My husband's brother is homeless (by choice) and an alcoholic. Her and her daughter (my husband's biological mother) have not spoken in years and will frankly probably never speak again. She has pushed extended family away because she is mean-tempered, two-faced, an attention-seeker and a compulsive liar. She's in her mid-70's.

I don't mean to sound cruel, but it puts a lot of pressure on us. We are all she has. She has zero savings and lives off of her SS check, most of which she sends to her Nigerian scammer boyfriends that she met on Facebook, which we can do nothing about. Also, she gets pretty much the bare minimum in Social Security because she always ran businesses and never paid her taxes/SS/etc. She talks trash and makes up lies about us to her neighbors in the senior apartment complex she's living in, even though we take her to her appointments, help her financially, etc. She picks fights with us and is very difficult to get along with.

Also, she always acts as if nothing that we do for her is enough. She wants for us to pay for private full-time care (like a 24/7 in-home caregiver that she really doesn't need -- yet). We are 29 and 32. We are financially stable but are working on building our own lives. We really don't have the money to take care of her. It's so tough.

And sometimes we both just want to tell her to "figure it out" without us, but we can't because we are really, truly all that she has. It is hard!

Whew...maybe this was just a vent. Sorry, y'all. And I am sorry for legit elder orphans who truly have no one.

Last edited by lkmax; 08-20-2017 at 12:00 AM..
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Old 08-20-2017, 12:31 AM
 
Location: Garbage, NC
3,124 posts, read 2,046,060 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by runswithscissors View Post
No they are not ORPHANED. Not even CLOSE. Not even in the same BALLPARK.

"Cumbersome"???

"Demanding careers"

LOLOLOL wow.

Maybe you mean selfish, disinterested, ungrateful and/or estranged.

So, if an adult does not drop everything to 100 percent take care of an elder parent, they are "selfish, disinterested, ungrateful and/or estranged?"

I know I'm stepping out of my bounds here, considering the forum that I'm in (found this thread on the sidebar...I don't just hang out in this forum), but this simply just is not always true.

Some people are unable to take care of their elderly parents. In case you haven't realized this by now, it's tough to make it in this world. Taking care of a parent -- who may have very expensive needs -- sometimes just isn't an option. People have jobs, mortgages, children...sometimes dropping everything for mom or dad or "just writing a check" just is not an option if they want to have a roof over their own heads.

And ungrateful? I know my mother-in-law never let my husband forget the fact that she didn't HAVE to raise him (she's technically his grandmother). She did provide him with shelter, food and clothing, so I suppose a child should be "grateful" for that. But extras? Absolutely not.

And frankly, sometimes adults were very irresponsible with money throughout their lives...they have zero retirement savings, etc. And somehow, their children are supposed to make up for that by paying for everything that their parent needs, all while trying to maintain their own households AND saving for their own retirements so that they don't end up in the same situation?

Although this is not always the case by any means, I think that in many situations, just how much an adult child does for their elderly parent is directly correlated to how much their parent did for them. Can you expect someone who was tossed out on the street at 18, who had no help with a college education, who might have begged for help that their parent was financially capable of giving but said "It's not my problem" to drop everything, risk losing everything that they are working for themselves and spend money that they can't afford to help a parent who never helped them?

Even if there isn't an emotional component to it, a parent who helped their child with a college education and other things along the way might be more prone to getting help later in life simply because their child was set up to be financially CAPABLE of helping...not to mention the gratefulness factor.
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Old 08-20-2017, 12:42 AM
 
5,420 posts, read 3,440,673 times
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ikmax, I agree with everything you say in both of your posts #87 and #88.

I definitely would not want to be in your position with your mother-in-law as you describe it in post #87.
I doubt I would give her much money (if any) especially if she is wasting money giving it to Nigerian scams, but just overall. She must be in a government subsidized reduced rent rate senior dwelling?

I feel for you - needing to put up with her poor behavior (behavior against you too), and ill-advised life decisions.

And I agree with your response in post #88!
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Old 08-20-2017, 01:02 AM
 
Location: Garbage, NC
3,124 posts, read 2,046,060 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
ikmax, I agree with everything you say in both of your posts #87 and #88.

I definitely would not want to be in your position with your mother-in-law as you describe it in post #87.
I doubt I would give her much money (if any) especially if she is wasting money giving it to Nigerian scams, but just overall. She must be in a government subsidized reduced rent rate senior dwelling?

I feel for you - needing to put up with her poor behavior (behavior against you too), and ill-advised life decisions.

And I agree with your response in post #88!
Thank you. Yes, she is in government subsidized housing. It's an independent apartment complex for seniors. She has pull strings throughout her apartment that she can pull if she needs help, and the apartment is handicapped-accessible.

Her rent is cheap, but she has faced eviction in the past because of the Nigerian scams (although she blames it on other things), and we have paid her rent for her quite a few times and have helped with her light bill. We also do little things like stock her house with groceries, household items, supplies for her cat. We pay for her cat's vet care. Take her to all of her doctor's appointments, run her errands for her. Nothing major or too expensive, but we do help out. We do not actually give her money.

It's funny because it wasn't so long ago -- about 8 years ago? -- that I actually worked for her in the convenience store that she owned at the time. She paid me dirt-cheap wages (minimum wage but no overtime pay), and once, we were completely out of food. We asked if we could get like $20-$30 worth of groceries from the store and if she could take them out of my paycheck, and she said no.

Luckily for us (and her), our financial situation has changed a lot since then. And luckily for her, we aren't quite as cold as she is.
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