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Old 08-29-2017, 02:11 PM
 
6,363 posts, read 5,094,738 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Minervah View Post
I wonder, sometimes, if those who criticize people who choose not to have children really think their attitude through. Would they really want someone to raise children who weren't interested in doing so? Is their goal to convince those who don't want children to have them? Why do they argue in favor of having children so strenuously? Why the "You'll regret its," or "What's wrong with yous?"

So if they convinced someone to have kids and it turned out to be bad for both the kids and the parents, how would that work? How would they feel knowing they pushed people into making such an important decision as having kids but it went all wrong? Miserable kids, miserable parents. I know of situations where this has happened. It's pretty awful. Usually it's family that pressures the childfree couples into having kids. Sometimes it works for the best but often it doesn't. Then everyone suffers.

What I really don't understand is why are strangers so adamant about other people having kids. This thread is like all other threads I've seen in my life of its type. A question is asked of childfree people about regrets. It doesn't matter what the question is; regrets, finances, lifestyles, reasons etc. whatever it is it's being directed to childfree people only. But you can bet your bottom dollar those with kids will jump on and have their say. Usually they will lecture on how wrong the decision not to have kids is which is kind of a hoot on a retirement thread where the majority of people posting are long past that option. Still, they will have their say.

They have to say how their lives have been so wonderful with their kids, they have no regrets, those who don't have kids don't know what they're missing, without kids you'll die alone ad nauseum. Well that's fine, good on them. I couldn't be more happy for them, but why are they so concerned about those who have made a different choice? And, really now, why here? Why on a thread that was clearly inquiring about those in their later years who had made the decision not to reproduce long ago?

And why oh why does this happen on every single thread every single time there is a thread, a post, a forum directed at childfree people only. I wonder, because I don't go there, if many childfree people reverse the procedure and post their scorn, advice, opinions, warnings etc to parents on parents' forums about their decision to have children.

So again, why is it so important for people who have kids to tell people who don't how wrong they are especially when it's a done deal?
Maybe because they are trying to convince themselves that they did the right thing?

Who remembers the Dear Abby column where she asked people if they regretted having kids? Since it was anonymous back then, she was shocked at how many people replied with regrets.

I know my roommate says he never wanted kids, but has two. He even hates going to his grandkids events, but does it anyway out of sense of duty.

My own mother told me not to have kids, but to enjoy life and have FUN!!
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Old 08-29-2017, 02:42 PM
 
5,487 posts, read 2,868,914 times
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I remember that Dear Abby poll. It raised quite a stir, far more than a personal advice column usually does. I suspect it was because, under blanket anonymity, such a high percentage of parents said they would not do it knowing what they know now.

I think they did not express regret so much as a feeling of "If only I had known beforehand..."

There needs to be a certain level of denial involved, because when the fantasy that turns out to be not so great involves offspring, to think of it as a mistake invites giving up.

However, they sure don't need to pretend it is wonderful to people who chose not to have kids.
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Old 08-29-2017, 05:02 PM
 
Location: Lakewood OH
21,698 posts, read 23,717,890 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pikabike View Post
I remember that Dear Abby poll. It raised quite a stir, far more than a personal advice column usually does. I suspect it was because, under blanket anonymity, such a high percentage of parents said they would not do it knowing what they know now.

I think they did not express regret so much as a feeling of "If only I had known beforehand..."

There needs to be a certain level of denial involved, because when the fantasy that turns out to be not so great involves offspring, to think of it as a mistake invites giving up.

However, they sure don't need to pretend it is wonderful to people who chose not to have kids.
I remember it too. Also there are Face Book groups and websites where people secretly post how unhappy they are being parents. I don't know but I wonder if these were people who just followed the life script and became parents just because it was expected of them and the thing to do rather than the result of thoughtful choice.
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Old 08-29-2017, 05:31 PM
 
Location: Nebraska
4,235 posts, read 7,279,474 times
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I will be 71 next month, no kids and no regrets. I enjoy kids and I know several single Mothers in the neighborhood that have kids that I get along with OK. IMHO being a parent is the MOST important job there is. Having TWO parents is also a must unless Death is the reason for just one parent. I never found that special someone or I would probably be a Grandpa several times over.
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Old 08-29-2017, 06:36 PM
 
Location: Colorado
79 posts, read 54,074 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Minervah View Post
I wonder, sometimes, if those who criticize people who choose not to have children really think their attitude through. Would they really want someone to raise children who weren't interested in doing so? Is their goal to convince those who don't want children to have them? Why do they argue in favor of having children so strenuously? Why the "You'll regret its," or "What's wrong with yous?"
.......
I always figured they want to make me feel small so they can feel big.
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Old 08-31-2017, 12:19 PM
 
6,363 posts, read 5,094,738 times
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The NYTimes is looking for women who regret having kids - tell their story - anonymously of course:

https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/...smtyp=cur&_r=0
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Old 08-31-2017, 06:54 PM
 
21 posts, read 14,656 times
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I am retired and no children by choice. I have never regretted it a day because I am just not the maternal type.
Having kids doesn't mean they are going to help take care of you when you are older.
Not having kids doesn't mean you'll be lonely. They have their own lives to live, and there is plenty to keep an
older, retired person busy.
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Old 08-31-2017, 07:01 PM
 
Location: Tampa, FL
220 posts, read 148,685 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dblackga View Post
But I find that's rarely the case. No one seems to figure, "Oh, look, all the money I would have spent on a child's school supplies -- that's going into my 401K!" Or, "Oh, good, I don't have to help with college expenses, I can just invest that money in treasury bonds." Basically, childless people tend to pursue a different lifestyle, and that lifestyle costs money -- the money that would have been spent on children.

The assumption is that most people who choose to have kids are economically advantaged. They aren't -- in fact, I think a recent study showed that childless households tended to have an average salary of $55K, whereas an average salary of a household with children was $54K -- not a significant difference. I think there are just as many childless-by-choice people out there that are underemployed, downsized, part-timed or, towards the end of their careers, finding it difficult to start a new career or even hold on to their job in the face of competition from younger employees and age discrimination. Being childless does not automatically make you financially stable. The money often goes into a newer car, traveling, hobbies, perhaps helping family members. My childless-by-choice next door neighbors' hobby is remodeling their house every couple of years. A childless person doesn't have special insight into investing -- their savings don't automatically grow more than someone with kids. From what I have observed, they make the same mistakes as those with children -- they buy expensive homes, expensive cars and often spend too much of their income on clothes, jewelry and accessories that do not maintain value. Plus, those who are childless have been found to spend 60% more on entertainment, 79% more on food, and 101% more on dining out. (They also spend more in categories such as alcohol and, ironically, pets, which I find fascinating, since many of these pets are often treated with as much care as a child.) In other words, they aren't investing any more than their counterparts with children.

It's a personal preference, and one that no one else can make for you or judge you by. Most people who claim they would not be good parents are probably correct.
You bring up some very good points. Being child free doesn't mean you invested money that you would have spent on children. You would have serious self-discipline to do this.
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Old 08-31-2017, 07:14 PM
 
Location: Tampa, FL
220 posts, read 148,685 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Minervah View Post
So again, why is it so important for people who have kids to tell people who don't how wrong they are especially when it's a done deal?
I wonder this all of the time. Why is it anyone's business first of all?

Then if somebody is pregnant or has a little one they'll be the first to say how hard being a parent is (i.e. sleepless nights, decreased sex, etc.).
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Old 08-31-2017, 07:33 PM
 
Location: Tampa, FL
220 posts, read 148,685 times
Reputation: 516
Quote:
Originally Posted by Clemencia53 View Post
Maybe because they are trying to convince themselves that they did the right thing?

Who remembers the Dear Abby column where she asked people if they regretted having kids? Since it was anonymous back then, she was shocked at how many people replied with regrets.

I know my roommate says he never wanted kids, but has two. He even hates going to his grandkids events, but does it anyway out of sense of duty.

My own mother told me not to have kids, but to enjoy life and have FUN!!
A lot of people regret having children. Think how much society pressures us to have children. Not to mention certain religions/culture may add even more pressure. Some people never really pause to consider IF they want to have children. My husband assumed that finding Ms. Right meant that becoming dad was part of the package. Most women after all become moms. I think 14% of women 45+ are not mothers.

Why don't people ask people who are trying to conceive, pregnant, etc. why they WANT to have children? Because it's not socially acceptable.
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