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Old 09-04-2017, 08:36 PM
 
Location: SoCal
13,202 posts, read 6,308,074 times
Reputation: 9815

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
DH and I have gone through all kinds of scenarios until we found one that suits us both. To start, he liked desert and I do not, but Sedona was a good middle ground, though it was a little to far from a large city to be ideal. I wanted San Francisco, and he wanted rural. I took it off the list as it is pricier than I want to spend. We looked at Seattle, and we both liked it, BUT neither of us wanted the cloud cover or the house upkeep of such a damp climate. Other areas in WA we crossed out for various reasons.

This summer we visited Carson City/Genoa. I've always loved pine trees and mountains, and he found he liked it too. We can live 10 minutes away and it's like we are in the country, but Trader Joe's and stores are super close. Reno is 40 minutes away in case we need specialty doctors or stores.

It was a constant give and take. But I think the main reason it worked, is because we know we will be happy anywhere if we are together.
It helps that you like each other's company. I'm the same way. My husband goes where I go. He doesn't care for travel as much as I do but once he is there he's glad I took him there.
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Old 09-04-2017, 08:41 PM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
31,613 posts, read 19,947,296 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NewbieHere View Post
It helps that you like each other's company. I'm the same way. My husband goes where I go. He doesn't care for travel as much as I do but once he is there he's glad I took him there.

I really can't envision a (good) marriage where that isn't the case. If you don't enjoy each other's company then things like where to live isn't the problem, but not enjoying each other is.
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Old 09-04-2017, 09:29 PM
 
14,258 posts, read 23,979,216 times
Reputation: 20051
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
This summer we visited Carson City/Genoa. I've always loved pine trees and mountains, and he found he liked it too. We can live 10 minutes away and it's like we are in the country, but Trader Joe's and stores are super close. Reno is 40 minutes away in case we need specialty doctors or stores.

It was a constant give and take. But I think the main reason it worked, is because we know we will be happy anywhere if we are together.


Good choice. i almost fell in love with the neighborhood in Douglas Co. south of Carson City that overlooks the valley.
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Old 09-04-2017, 09:30 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,845 posts, read 14,356,798 times
Reputation: 30697
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bayarea4 View Post
Pray for me, too. My situation is just like yours except for the choice of TV shows and snacks. Mr. Bay is content to stay home all day sitting in his recliner reading, watching TV or playing on his laptop. We never go anywhere except out to eat (always the same four or five restaurants because he doesn't like to try new places) or grocery shopping. He has no interest in travel because of his health issues - the health issues he wouldn't have if he weren't so sedentary.

I am frustrated because I would like to get out more and do things, but Mr. Bay wants me to stay home with him all the time. When I do go out on my own or with friends, he turns grumpy and sour. He worries that something will happen to me and tracks my whereabouts on his laptop. If my location is not what he expected, he'll sometimes call me on my cell phone and ask "Where are you?"

I am all he has in life. He is so worried about losing me and doesn't trust that I will be safe if he's not there to "supervise." His behavior sounds controlling, I know, but it's all from anxiety. He is not abusive in any way, just a scared little puppy who needs constant reassurance. Because of his anxiety, and because we live in a very small house that's all on one level, I have absolutely no privacy. I feel that I'm constantly under surveillance, and it is hard to bear. I find myself looking forward to his haircuts and doctors' appointments because I can have the house to myself for a couple of hours.

The one thing we do agree about is that we have no desire to move. We want to stay where we are for as long as possible.
I think you posted before and expressed being OK with him tracking you on his phone. Turn off the tracker on your phone.

Take a class or start going to the gym. He'll get over it. He might worry or pout, but he will eventually get over it.

This sounds to me like control. He wants to control you and you are allowing it. So, find something to do and do it. Otherwise, you are going to be depressed and unhappy all the time. I think he is using his anxiety to exert control so he will not be anxious or for some other reason. You do not have to participate in his mental health issue! If you do more stuff outside on your own, he will learn to cope and he will get over it.

If this is too hard for you, seek counseling, because what you describe is no life. It sounds miserable.
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Old 09-05-2017, 01:38 AM
 
Location: San Francisco
16,415 posts, read 5,350,870 times
Reputation: 51296
Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post
I think you posted before and expressed being OK with him tracking you on his phone. Turn off the tracker on your phone.

Take a class or start going to the gym. He'll get over it. He might worry or pout, but he will eventually get over it.

This sounds to me like control. He wants to control you and you are allowing it. So, find something to do and do it. Otherwise, you are going to be depressed and unhappy all the time. I think he is using his anxiety to exert control so he will not be anxious or for some other reason. You do not have to participate in his mental health issue! If you do more stuff outside on your own, he will learn to cope and he will get over it.

If this is too hard for you, seek counseling, because what you describe is no life. It sounds miserable.
Oh, yes. We've had this conversation before, haven't we? Maybe I didn't make it clear in that other thread that I am not a prisoner being held against my will. On the whole I'd say that retirement has been the happiest time of my life. It's just frustrating sometimes because of the limitations DH has. That's why I posted, not to ask for advice but merely to say to other wives who have difficult husbands, I understand and sympathize. But thanks for your concern.

Last edited by Bayarea4; 09-05-2017 at 01:51 AM..
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Old 09-05-2017, 11:14 AM
 
12,825 posts, read 20,132,535 times
Reputation: 10910
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bayarea4 View Post
Pray for me, too. My situation is just like yours except for the choice of TV shows and snacks. Mr. Bay is content to stay home all day sitting in his recliner reading, watching TV or playing on his laptop. We never go anywhere except out to eat (always the same four or five restaurants because he doesn't like to try new places) or grocery shopping. He has no interest in travel because of his health issues - the health issues he wouldn't have if he weren't so sedentary.

I am frustrated because I would like to get out more and do things, but Mr. Bay wants me to stay home with him all the time. When I do go out on my own or with friends, he turns grumpy and sour. He worries that something will happen to me and tracks my whereabouts on his laptop. If my location is not what he expected, he'll sometimes call me on my cell phone and ask "Where are you?"

I am all he has in life. He is so worried about losing me and doesn't trust that I will be safe if he's not there to "supervise." His behavior sounds controlling, I know, but it's all from anxiety. He is not abusive in any way, just a scared little puppy who needs constant reassurance. Because of his anxiety, and because we live in a very small house that's all on one level, I have absolutely no privacy. I feel that I'm constantly under surveillance, and it is hard to bear. I find myself looking forward to his haircuts and doctors' appointments because I can have the house to myself for a couple of hours.

The one thing we do agree about is that we have no desire to move. We want to stay where we are for as long as possible.
Unless I end up with some sort of very painful, highly debilitating injury or set of them, I can't imagine being a homebody slowly withering away. It would take serious pain to keep me down. I'm just too hyper. That's the one dissatisfaction I have with working, I'm on my arse too much. If / when I retire, again, some sort of terrible physical situation notwithstanding, I'm gonna drive DW nuts with my constant mercurial motion.

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Old 09-05-2017, 11:18 AM
 
12,825 posts, read 20,132,535 times
Reputation: 10910
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
DH and I have gone through all kinds of scenarios until we found one that suits us both. To start, he liked desert and I do not, but Sedona was a good middle ground, though it was a little to far from a large city to be ideal. I wanted San Francisco, and he wanted rural. I took it off the list as it is pricier than I want to spend. We looked at Seattle, and we both liked it, BUT neither of us wanted the cloud cover or the house upkeep of such a damp climate. Other areas in WA we crossed out for various reasons.

This summer we visited Carson City/Genoa. I've always loved pine trees and mountains, and he found he liked it too. We can live 10 minutes away and it's like we are in the country, but Trader Joe's and stores are super close. Reno is 40 minutes away in case we need specialty doctors or stores.

It was a constant give and take. But I think the main reason it worked, is because we know we will be happy anywhere if we are together.
Carson Valley is pretty good.

One dangerous thing though .... JT Basque down in Gardnerville. Need to keep me away from it.
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Old 09-05-2017, 11:21 AM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
31,613 posts, read 19,947,296 times
Reputation: 45679
Quote:
Originally Posted by BayAreaHillbilly View Post
Carson Valley is pretty good.

One dangerous thing though .... JT Basque down in Gardnerville. Need to keep me away from it.
We are going back in January to see if we die.

Will definitely hit that spot!!!
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Old 09-05-2017, 11:59 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,560 posts, read 17,544,804 times
Reputation: 27613
Something I fail to understand after reading all these posts is how could people stay married, presumably for twenty or thirty years, and be completely at odds on many basic things - not only about retirement, but daily lifestyle choices.

One that struck me was a post by bayarea4. She's apparently mobile and active - he's much more of a homebody and sedentary. This isn't quibbling about what kind of curtains to use, arrangement of the furniture, or even what type of a home to buy. These are basic, fundamental lifestyle choices that they are opposed on.

My parents are both homebodies. Getting them to go to a new place for dinner is almost impossible. They may leave the Tri-Cities once every two months, and that's usually just for a quick shopping trip. I don't remember the last time they went more than two hours away from home. My dad has never been on an airplane in his life. He's not sedentary, but both of them are very content to eat Little Debbie Cakes and watch TV all day.

That's not the lifestyle I want to live, but there's nothing wrong with it. Still, neither one of them would have been happy with someone wanting to hit the road every weekend.

I couldn't be with someone who crosses what are "red lines" to me. For instance, I want to move to Florida over the next few years. Other than family, there's not much for me in this part of Tennessee. I wouldn't marry someone who was completely set on remaining in this area for life, nor would I marry someone who is completely opposed to going to Florida. Who knows, I may never get to live in Florida - life may not go that way, but it is something I am working toward. I would never move to Texas. I wouldn't be with someone who was set on going to Texas or else.

To me, these kinds of differences would be dealbreaking.
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Old 09-05-2017, 12:12 PM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
31,613 posts, read 19,947,296 times
Reputation: 45679
A question for those with couch potato husbands:

Were they always like that?

And if not, have they had their testosterone checked? DH went on T therapy and it's been a total personality change (to how he used to be).
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