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Old 08-29-2017, 08:33 PM
 
Location: Virginia
171 posts, read 107,344 times
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Hubby and I are still a few years away from retirement, but we talk about it and the more we talk the more I find that we are on a different page sometimes for what we want in retirement. Years ago I imagined moving to the countryside and enjoying the peace and quiet and the outdoors. Now I can't stand the thought of being that isolated and want to be near the city. Husband wants to go south and never see cold weather again. At one point that sounded good to me too. I have decided I can't live without my 4 seasons. And the list goes on. Somewhere along the line we will find our happy spot and compromise. However, recently I have a cousin who after 42 years of marriage and 2 years of retirement is getting a divorce. The main reason being once they retired they weren't happy with each other and felt they had nothing in common. Another friend of mine went through the same experience a couple of years ago. She and her husband moved to Arizona as they had planned and she was so homesick for her daughters and grandchildren that she moved to a small apartment to be near them and just up and left him. Anyone else have a similar experience? What could you not agree on and how did you have to compromise to make it work?
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Old 08-29-2017, 08:59 PM
 
4,431 posts, read 2,605,246 times
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We're not there yet,but most things my OH and I agree on.
I actually picked our southern retirement city, and my OH did as much research as I did in finding it, and after we both Google-earthed it to death, decided that it is where we want to go.
Next summer in August or September, we will set foot there and Maybe look at a house to buy and rent out until we are ready to go back and forth. We will do that until it's tiring, then stay put south.

We've had plenty of time together and plenty of work time apart where we don't see much of each other. So we've had practice and have come to agreements or at least neutral territory on almost every single thing.

Will we be bored of each other? Only time will tell.
We went through a period recently where I got us into marriage counseling and therapy to work out differences, that may have helped, as I was ready for DIVORCE, for reasons too long and that I'm not going into here. Let's just say my OH caused the problems and finally became aware of them then. I have decided unless another cones along who can sweep me off my feet, that my OH and I have a good history, and is as good a spouse as any.
Has my OH worked to correct those errors? Well yes some and no some.

Unless I find a rich billionaire I'll stay put. We have a history and a planned future, so why not? I might have the same type of issues with a new spouse. And I don't need to jump into the fire from the frying pan.

We are in basic agreement, my OH wants big city, I hate big cities. We've got a compromise on a medium size city , but near enough to bigger cities for day trips.

I think it's how you approach things TOGETHER, not separately that will see you through.
Compromise is the active word also. I can't stress that Enough.

You've spent your life together making compromises and not realize it. Maybe it where his job was, maybe it was the number of kids you could afford, maybe it was where she got a job, or where day care was best, or schools or what have you, why stop in retirement???

But, maybe you just can't and divorce is the only answer, but it should be the absolute last resort, after all avenues have been explored, such as we did.

Best if luck to those to whom compromise is nit coming easy. Maybe therapy and counseling will help to get at the root of the problems, maybe not.
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Old 08-29-2017, 10:33 PM
 
Location: SoCal
6,063 posts, read 9,520,860 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marid4061 View Post
Hubby and I are still a few years away from retirement, but we talk about it and the more we talk the more I find that we are on a different page sometimes for what we want in retirement. Years ago I imagined moving to the countryside and enjoying the peace and quiet and the outdoors. Now I can't stand the thought of being that isolated and want to be near the city. Husband wants to go south and never see cold weather again. At one point that sounded good to me too. I have decided I can't live without my 4 seasons. And the list goes on. Somewhere along the line we will find our happy spot and compromise. However, recently I have a cousin who after 42 years of marriage and 2 years of retirement is getting a divorce. The main reason being once they retired they weren't happy with each other and felt they had nothing in common. Another friend of mine went through the same experience a couple of years ago. She and her husband moved to Arizona as they had planned and she was so homesick for her daughters and grandchildren that she moved to a small apartment to be near them and just up and left him. Anyone else have a similar experience? What could you not agree on and how did you have to compromise to make it work?
We don't have quite the challenge you have, since we agree more often than we don't.

I'm with you on the peace and quiet. But practically, us older people need to be close enough to facilties so the isolation is a non-starter. But you haven't said that you disagree about that.

You sound like what might make you both happy would be to be snowbirds. Have a place to be in a 4-seasons area, and when the weather gets too extreme then take an extended visit to a milder climate. And if a set of relatives are in either or each of those locations than it's a win-win-win.
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Old 08-30-2017, 01:19 AM
 
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
22,527 posts, read 39,903,732 times
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We do as much separately as we do together (by choice & necessity)... eldercare / family / friends in other states & countries / plus various travel tastes and activities that are quite different.

We 'meet-up' at an airport and travel together for awhile. Have 3 'second' homes in 'destination' areas, so we are not always in the same home at the same time.

Probably spend less time together AFTER retirement, since we homeschooled / farmed / worked nights / spent 30 INTENSIVE yrs together (also doing eldercare).

It is no crime to spend time apart, sometimes with extended family, friends, or solo. DS seems to be pretty busy taking 94YO parent on flights to see relatives. They are having a great time, and it will soon enough be over.

We met in Hong Kong last yr (one coming from East and one from the west), and spent 2 months together volunteering in The Philippines, then we each departed heading the opposite direction.
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Old 08-30-2017, 05:01 AM
 
Location: Central Mexico and Central Florida
7,095 posts, read 3,455,118 times
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If you can afford it, get two houses and toggle back and forth. I never thought we'd end up with 2 homes in retirement but we have, since 2008. Never been happier. When one place starts to get stale or boring to us, off we go to the other house. It IS more work to own two, but worth the effort.
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Old 08-30-2017, 05:04 AM
 
2,447 posts, read 2,096,740 times
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Very interesting thread.......and I will just state the obvious that StealthRAbbit's situation is highly unusual and while it may work beautifully- it's not really an option for most.
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Old 08-30-2017, 08:16 AM
 
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
22,527 posts, read 39,903,732 times
Reputation: 23634
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mayvenne View Post
Very interesting thread.......and I will just state the obvious that StealthRAbbit's situation is highly unusual and while it may work beautifully- it's not really an option for most.
True, we are very fortunate, This routine will not endure into our own elder / care yrs.

Expense wise..
. our homes are ~$100k each (probably less expense combined than most SINGLE homes), and each has the main 'country' home rented out with a cabin / extra living space for us. (remote from main property). The 'extra income' funds our travel, for the time being.

Relationship wise, we will each drop anything to meet the needs of the other. We seldom spend too long apart (over a month). We enjoy much of the same stuff, Mtns, Music, learning, travel, similar foods, hobbies, friend... so have a 'honeymoon experience' each time we meet. (which I will admit is very refreshing / relaxing / encouraging for each). 'Clinginess' ("I need you to myself") never was an option with eldercare since age 18, then homeschooling.

We treasure our precious time together. There is little chance to 'get-sick-of-each-other', and we still have eldercare and needy siblings and family. Won't last forever.

other options: (from our friends experiences of 'non-agreement in retirement')
1) one gets a PT job to 'invest' their unspent energy
2) join clubs (travel, hiking, photo, gardening, disaster relief...)
3) Immerse your life in others (mentoring, grandkids, / 'foster kids' (Being a grandparent to others)
4) Get a farm (outdoor life = more s-p-a-c-e, and far less time 'in-the-house')
5) Do some intensive seasons of 'projects' (fix your own home or others, LT volunteer overseas, teaching gig for a semester, ...
6) Elder or adult child care (that will keep you busy and severely limit your own choices.)
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Old 08-30-2017, 09:06 AM
 
Location: SoCal
13,188 posts, read 6,301,958 times
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People may separate their own ways in retirement. My brother recently told me that all his old buddies at a previous company, they used to work together for years, have ended up in divorce in retirement. He was certainly surprised.
One guy took money from his retirement account to start a restaurant business because his wife complained she was bored, they hired a cook, wife ran off with a cook. All assets have to be splitted up.
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Old 08-30-2017, 09:25 AM
 
Location: Colorado Springs
4,830 posts, read 4,940,887 times
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My in-laws got divorced at retirement.

She wanted to live in the city in a condo, visit art museums, do volunteer work.

He was "a country boy" and wanted a big house on a big lot in a place where he could put up his huge ham antenna.

So they split and both did their own thing. For years, I wondered why those two ever married.
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Old 08-30-2017, 09:27 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
7,595 posts, read 4,674,480 times
Reputation: 27789
This is a huge subject and I'm glad you brought it up.

I made an agreement with my spouse not to cite specifics on City-Data but I can address some of your questions.

Quote:
Originally Posted by marid4061 View Post
Hubby and I are still a few years away from retirement, but we talk about it and the more we talk the more I find that we are on a different page sometimes for what we want in retirement.
You're talking about it, though, and that is great. Keep talking. There are a lot of emotional issues attached to retirement and relocation, which are actually two separate issues. Some people can't envision a happy retirement because they're afraid of such a big change. It makes discussion simpler if you talk about one or the other at a time.

Quote:
Years ago I imagined moving to the countryside and enjoying the peace and quiet and the outdoors. Now I can't stand the thought of being that isolated and want to be near the city.
This is a years-long conversation for most people, I think, and you will change your mind or point of view from time to time. It's a process. Just be prepared for it to happen again.

As far as your specifics go, I agree with you. I want to be within 30 minutes of world-class medical care, because at 63 I have multiple health issues. (I grew up in the countryside, spent a lot of time in the Great Outdoors and consequently got that out of my system.)

Quote:
Husband wants to go south and never see cold weather again.
Take him to Phoenix for a couple of weeks in July.

Quote:
At one point that sounded good to me too. I have decided I can't live without my 4 seasons.
So you look into places where the winters are mild and the snow doesn't stick to the ground, it just makes everything pretty. Prescott AZ is one of those places. I'm sure there are others.

Quote:
I have a cousin who after 42 years of marriage and 2 years of retirement is getting a divorce. The main reason being once they retired they weren't happy with each other and felt they had nothing in common. Another friend of mine went through the same experience a couple of years ago. She and her husband moved to Arizona as they had planned and she was so homesick for her daughters and grandchildren that she moved to a small apartment to be near them and just up and left him. Anyone else have a similar experience? What could you not agree on and how did you have to compromise to make it work?
I think the worst thing that one person can do to another in this situation is that pre-retirement your spouse agrees with everything you suggest, goes along with you to check out possible new locations, talks about plans for retirement, looks for houses online you might both like and then -- when push comes to shove -- informs you s/he never intended to move and refuses to do it. There was a C-D poster who told this story last year. Her husband was just stringing her along, because he knew that if he told her the truth she would leave him. She divorced him.

Some married people live apart in retirement, probably not many but some do. Others, if they can afford it, have two homes in retirement and shuttle between the two. I like that idea.
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