U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 09-03-2017, 12:42 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,304 posts, read 10,782,389 times
Reputation: 20541

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
Well, that confirms my suspicion.

Seriously, I have had so many people tell me this RV -> kid's driveway -> month-long visit idea that I think it must be going around on the AARP boards or something.

And remember the overbearing parents who moved into the daughter's new guest house even after she explicitly told them it was a bad time and not to come...and then they wouldn't leave?
Absolutely not!!!!! That's why there are campgrounds. I gave my parents several lists of campgrounds in my area. They tried one and loved it, but the cheapskate known as dad doesn't want to spend the money when he has kids. So he'd spend a small fortune on a RV and then think he's going to camp for free at his kids' houses? That's not even an option at my sister's...she lives in a townhouse with a HOA. I live in a town where his idea if forbidden. You can't live in a RV where I live. We have pretty strict zoning because of the tourism industry here....people would start building trailer parks on 1/4 acre lots.

And people wonder why I would NEVER want a guest house.....I don't even currently have a guest room. The room was converted into something else that we use on a daily basis.....can't imagine why we did this.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 09-03-2017, 01:23 PM
 
Location: The sleepy part of New York City
1,962 posts, read 1,213,439 times
Reputation: 4342
Quote:
Originally Posted by suesamover View Post
I lived in Michigan for many years before moving to Florida to work in 1999, and I moved back October 2016 to be near my two grown adult children, and my one adult grandchild in the Downriver area. During this entire year, I haven't seen or heard from them much, see them about every two to three months, and we talk about once or twice a month, but do text more often. I don't have a social life here, and it seems so much harder to make friends once you are older. I am 73. I am considering moving back to Florida where I had a very active social life, and in addition to close friends, I have two older brothers and a sister there that I socialize with quite alot. When I lived in Florida I would only see my children if they flew to Florida (I pay for them to come fly back and forth) or I fly back to see them. They don't have a bedroom for me when I do come back and I rent a motel room. That hurts my feelings, as I always made room for them when they came, and I always treated them the entire time they visited me. People here warned me that I may not see them, and things like this might happen. Are any of you in the same or similar situation? What do you advise me to do? I have a good retirement, and no debt. Why am I so torn about this? I need your advice, please.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but they don't need you anymore. I have the same thing going on too. I was so afraid to move out of state because all the kids and grands are here. I don't think I consciously thought of them possibly needing me.. I think it's just a mom thing. I was just so used to being there for them.
Finally I started keeping track of when I did hear from them and what they asked from me and basically it was just to watch their dogs when they went away. Sure, I got from phone calls from them just to say hi, and very rarely one would stop by unannounced but it was usually to borrow a tool. I'm not complaining and I'm not faulting my kids for the way I felt. It was all me but it made me realize they don't need me. They have their own interests and their own families. I raised them to be self sufficient adults and prepared them to fly from the nest.. Now it's time for mom to fly from the nest. Go back to Fla where your friends are and have a life.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-03-2017, 02:15 PM
 
Location: Forests of Maine
30,697 posts, read 49,488,800 times
Reputation: 19146
IMHO, young adults are focused on their careers and raising children. When I was mid-20s I was career military, whenever I could get leave I went home to visit my parents and siblings. They never had time for me. It was always a huge struggle to schedule a dinner where we could all get together. I usually got leave once a year and it caused my homecomings to be less than cheerful.

My siblings all live within a 40-mile radius and even they do not take the time to visit each other.

My parents had a hard time trying to get my siblings to have a get-together for the holidays each year.

Now that I have retired, our sons got jobs, and wives, and moved away. My Dw wants to go visit, but even during those visits the sons are working f/t so face time is difficult.

I do not have the answer you want. How do we get to spend quality time with adult children and grandchildren? I do not know.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-03-2017, 02:31 PM
 
197 posts, read 105,551 times
Reputation: 784
The only real child you always have in life is - your happiness
You get to birth it, nurture and care for it.
Nobody else will............

You should be among friends and those that put a smile on your face.

If you have to move to be social so be it
Go back to those that miss you.

Play cards, see movies, tell jokes, dance, swim.
Enjoy giving and doing so you don't freeze up.

Adopt a new family that appreciates you for you, not what you errands you can do.

Be a mother to a scout troop, nursing home, hospital, church, big sister to foster care

Children and grand children believe and act like you own them. Later for that nonsense.

Remember birthdays and anniversarys always keep the door and communications open
But get an answers machine for messages while your out LIVING
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-03-2017, 02:38 PM
 
Location: East Texas
506 posts, read 465,177 times
Reputation: 700
Quote:
Originally Posted by suesamover View Post
I lived in Michigan for many years before moving to Florida to work in 1999, and I moved back October 2016 to be near my two grown adult children, and my one adult grandchild in the Downriver area. During this entire year, I haven't seen or heard from them much, see them about every two to three months, and we talk about once or twice a month, but do text more often. I don't have a social life here, and it seems so much harder to make friends once you are older. I am 73. I am considering moving back to Florida where I had a very active social life, and in addition to close friends, I have two older brothers and a sister there that I socialize with quite alot. When I lived in Florida I would only see my children if they flew to Florida (I pay for them to come fly back and forth) or I fly back to see them. They don't have a bedroom for me when I do come back and I rent a motel room. That hurts my feelings, as I always made room for them when they came, and I always treated them the entire time they visited me. People here warned me that I may not see them, and things like this might happen. Are any of you in the same or similar situation? What do you advise me to do? I have a good retirement, and no debt. Why am I so torn about this? I need your advice, please.
Wow ; I'm in the same situation! I miss Arkansas so much! But my husband got cancer and thought we should move back to Texas so I could be near my daughter and her family.
I rarely see them and I'm homesick. We all thought he was on the verge of death but after a kidney was removed he has been ok for seven years now! We left our friends too and that wonderful climate. Not too cold; hot but cools off in September. My grandkids' other grandmother is ten years younger than I am and she drives past dark to all their football games while I sit at home and my granddaughter is the school mascot!!. When I do go visit my daughter , which is half an hour's drive, she doesn't offer me a bottle of water. I have to ask. She's not affectionate, she has never said one word about being glad we're here. One night she asked me to spend the night and I loved it. But, I must be honest. When we told my parents they needed to live close I didn't see them much either and they left their friends too. If you REALLY miss your friends you should go back. I can't go back because my other daughter and son live in Arkansas and they're on drugs now! They're impossible to deal with! I'm not sure my husband could take a five hour drive, either. He sleeps quite a bit after having half his thyroid removed here. It sucks. The Texas heat just drags on and on and on.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-03-2017, 03:02 PM
 
Location: Tucson Arizona
3,908 posts, read 1,663,706 times
Reputation: 10285
Live where you're happy. Invite them for visits.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-03-2017, 03:22 PM
 
Location: Kennett Square, PA
1,699 posts, read 2,609,289 times
Reputation: 2594
Quote:
Originally Posted by MI-Roger View Post
Move back to Florida for the upcoming winter. In Spring you will have a great comparison tool to decide whether to return to Michigan permanently, or just to go back to collect the rest of your belongings for your new Florida address.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MI-Roger View Post

We know we will be faced with an identical dilemma in the future and already know our answer. We will live where we have our friends and support system - which happens to be in Michigan - rather than chase our sons to Boston where they will soon both be living, or follow them where ever their careers take them in the future.
EXCELLENT idea!!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-03-2017, 04:05 PM
 
Location: Forests of Maine
30,697 posts, read 49,488,800 times
Reputation: 19146
Quote:
Originally Posted by steiconi View Post
Live where you're happy. Invite them for visits.
I agree.

I was stationed in Scotland. We loved it. My in-laws were the only relatives who thought to come visit. They had a ball too.

Later we were stationed in Naples Italy, an hour from Rome. My in-laws came out once, and one time a friend we knew from a church back in Washington.

My in-laws came to visit every year, every place we have lived.

My family though, if I want to see them, I must go to them, around their schedules.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-03-2017, 05:02 PM
 
219 posts, read 448,749 times
Reputation: 220
Default Go back to Florida now

Quote:
Originally Posted by suesamover View Post
I lived in Michigan for many years before moving to Florida to work in 1999, and I moved back October 2016 to be near my two grown adult children, and my one adult grandchild in the Downriver area. During this entire year, I haven't seen or heard from them much, see them about every two to three months, and we talk about once or twice a month, but do text more often. I don't have a social life here, and it seems so much harder to make friends once you are older. I am 73. I am considering moving back to Florida where I had a very active social life, and in addition to close friends, I have two older brothers and a sister there that I socialize with quite alot. When I lived in Florida I would only see my children if they flew to Florida (I pay for them to come fly back and forth) or I fly back to see them. They don't have a bedroom for me when I do come back and I rent a motel room. That hurts my feelings, as I always made room for them when they came, and I always treated them the entire time they visited me. People here warned me that I may not see them, and things like this might happen. Are any of you in the same or similar situation? What do you advise me to do? I have a good retirement, and no debt. Why am I so torn about this? I need your advice, please.

Be honest, you made a mistake. Go back to Florida as soon as you can. You miss it and your friends there miss you. Just say to yourself you made a mistake and now you are going to rectify it. Lesson learned about your two adult children. Now go back to the Sunshine state and live the rest of your life like every day was your last. One of them will be.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-03-2017, 05:35 PM
 
15,393 posts, read 4,064,639 times
Reputation: 11086
Quote:
Originally Posted by suesamover View Post
I lived in Michigan for many years before moving to Florida to work in 1999, and I moved back October 2016 to be near my two grown adult children, and my one adult grandchild in the Downriver area. During this entire year, I haven't seen or heard from them much, see them about every two to three months, and we talk about once or twice a month, but do text more often.
Obviously you are an adult and capable of your own decisions - so I won't pretend to give advice.

However, what you describe is VERY common in America today. In fact, HBO did a documentary on the FL development where my MIL lives (Kings Point) and one of the subplots is that many women go down there and have some of their golden years...but, then, many of their friends pass away and they get older themselves and want to (or do) move back up north to be with or near their families.

There are a lot of problems with this scenario, though. In general, the US no longer has large nuclear and extended families which inhabit homes close to each other and who socialize regularly. More typically, family members have moved far and wide - if not geographically, then definitely in spirit. Many siblings don't get along - and the same goes with parents/children. On one hand we cherish our children becoming responsible adults and going out on their ofwn - on the other hand, should we expect them to live like "in the old days" when families were closer geographically??

I have seen a lot of this in my own family. My wife's grandfather retired to FL with a lot of money and was rumored to be having fun with new GF's, etc. - but, as happens to us all, he grew old and then ended up wanting to come back up to Philadelphia to die (effectively). It was a very difficult situation since his daughter and SIL (my wives parents) had fought with him constantly. He never really accepted their marriage because they were not as successful as he was.

In my own case, my family was - like many - close back in the old days when I was growing up (Philadelphia Italian and Jewish communities). But my parents ended up much higher on the social and financial ladder than some of the rest of the family and retired early, moving - of course - to Florida. They did this at about age 55-60. That was 25+ years ago. We remained friendly and visited (one way or the other) about 4 times a year. But they 100% realized that they were moving and retiring for THEMSELVES....and that, in effect, they wanted to just have as good of a time as possible for the duration of their lives. They largely accomplished this - and, being very logical and reasonable people, they had always claimed that they would never burden any of us with taking care of them when they got older.

I must say - they haven't broken the deal although they are now starting to go through all the pain and problems of advancing age (late 80's).

There is no real point to these stories - other than to suggest that we all make our bargains with ourselves and with the world. Sticking to those bargains can be tough.

Based on your post- it's fairly obvious that you could talk to them, facetime or otherwise communicate just as easily from 1200 miles away as you can from 20.

As you have made somewhat clear, you are not happy with their lack of respect for you - the Motel Room and all. Of course, this could be a matter of their finances. We happen to have 3 extra bedrooms so we were able to have either set of parents come and stay. But if we had a tiny or full house that could have been difficult.

I think it's time to think about Florida again.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top