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Old 09-17-2017, 09:57 AM
5,399 posts, read 6,548,967 times
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OP, I commend you for a straight forward question. Returned with a straightforward answer

My interest in traits hasn't changed from my youth. I value a person who is good and decent while maintaining the ability to make it in a world that is not always good and decent. Depending upon the role (friend, business, romance) there are other attributes but those are the basic ones.
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Old 09-17-2017, 10:13 AM
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Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post
....What values do you seek in a partner as a senior? What did you previously want, but no longer place high importance on? What did you formerly want, but no longer care about?....
I am a gay man who decided in his fifties (late 1980s and early 90s) that I was not interested in a partner in the sense of a sexual and romantic companion. My own looks in middle age had nothing to do with it as I looked far younger than I was and was in good physical shape, and in NYC where I lived men in that age category did not slip out of the "market."

Originally Posted by Lastfire View Post
I so agree brightdoglover: "Honesty with one's own self." Also I really appreciate a person who wants to continue to learn - curiosity of the wonders of the Earth.
And the above decision came about - over some time, of course, based on the honesty spoken of above. I had finished a relationship of "convenience" that had lasted four years. The convenience was that the fellow was good company, okay sex, we had shared interests and in the era of AIDS we were both HIV-. When he moved to a different city our relationship ended.

I was doing volunteer work that took up almost all of my free time, and as luck would have it at this point a former young neighbor, M., whom I had gotten a job in our office once and had stayed friendly with, came down with AIDS and was rapidly hit with a crippling opportunistic infection. His mother had TB and lived out of state, she was divorced from his father who was a factory worker in another state. So, another guy and I agreed to take care of him. He worked nights and I worked days, and we kept this up until M. died almost a year later. I continued the volunteer work for a couple more years because I wanted to, and I realized that it meant more to my life than seeking out a partner or even new friends.

An accident brought this to an end, and it required quite some time to recover. And I had a lot of time to think about what I wanted to do with my life now, and what I would be capable of. While I was doing this I was able to go to a large gay community center and participate in a few programs I enjoyed and meet people, and I was part of a religious community, which provided more activities and friends.

I thought about myself looking back in time, and then what possibilities were ahead. I had been an only child, in college and as a working adult I had often lived alone, I had had a variety of jobs, I had had friends and sexual/romantic partners from quite different backgrounds than mine, I had moved from small virtually all white town to an urban slum of many Hispanics and mixed blooded and black people, I had ended up working in a highly political educational environment for twenty years and by luck survived the beheadings of various bosses and their courtiers.

The bottom line seemed quite obvious, my life had never been anyone's idea of stable - nor mine when I examined it, it had not had a trajectory beyond survival, I had from time to time grabbed at rather strange opportunities for self-education in the city - making for weird interests, and though I had always feared and even hated change...I had nevertheless kept on surviving all the messes I made or were thrust on me. And I was endlessly fascinated with the people I met on jobs, societies, bars, everywhere- and how much I had learned from all sorts of people and experiences.

It became clear to me that despite what one is taught to believe, and despite previous satisfying relationships, that I was not ready/needing/wanting (not sure what single word to use) a relationship with a romantic/sexual life partner again. I was only able to see such a relationship at my age as being likely if I were willing to establish a truly settled life. Once my health was back on course, I did examine meticulously places in the U.S. to re-establish my life, and ones where I would be most likely to meet other gay men of my age with, hopefully, some shared interests. I had even re-established contact with a man I had had a long term relationship thirty years before, and for whom I had even worked afterwards...and I learned about the trajectory of his life, and now living in California how he had done just what I was looking into.

So, yes I would go that route....and I was left so flat and deflated by the decision that I knew I was embarking on a mistake if I went ahead. I knew I was not ready for a commitment of that kind with anyone (should such an anyone exist.) I knew that I wanted to do, with the helpful ballast of my volunteer work with dying people and my religious exploration, was to move on by myself - beyond the U.S. now - and go to ground wherever I might, and on the way persons would be important for who and what they were, but that they would none of them likely "belong" to me in the sense that a spouse or partner does.

The rest of the journey and how it would fall out was more important than a partner. Essentially I have made the selfish decision of choosing myself instead of someone else.
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Old 09-17-2017, 10:29 AM
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Honesty, being willing to try new things, loyalty and sense of responsibility.

I value mental and physical health and an equal relationship.

Been married fifty years and suspect that I will never be married again.
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Old 09-17-2017, 11:22 AM
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A infectious zest for life with a good and kind heart...
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Old 09-17-2017, 11:29 AM
Location: Planet Woof
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I have been with my beloved for 27 years and if I am the one to survive, I plan to be alone until we meet again on the other side. For some, there is only one soulmate, one love.
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Old 09-17-2017, 02:16 PM
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Same as always. Someone who is honest, attractive, down to earth, friendly and enjoys sex. Someone who is strong enough to stand up for themself, and doesn't mind if I am too. Someone who realizes a relationship takes work to maintain, who realizes both parties need to sacrifice some of what they want to to make it work, that nothing and noone is perfect, and doesn't need to be.
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Old 09-17-2017, 02:33 PM
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Quite a few mentions of 'honesty'. What does that mean to you when putting it at the very top or near top of the list? Does it mean no lying, no cheating in the relationship, along with no unethical behavior in business and life?

I think not lying is very important and crucial for maintaining trust in what one's partner is saying. But somehow I wouldn't think to put it so near the top.

I do realize that lying can and does erode a good relationship.

(no need to answer - just mentioning this as a thought)

Last edited by matisse12; 09-17-2017 at 03:49 PM..
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Old 09-17-2017, 02:47 PM
Location: ☀️ SWFL ⛱ 🌴
2,441 posts, read 1,678,624 times
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I look for flexibility of mind and body. People who have those qualities are open to others and a delight to be around. My DH and MIL are prime examples. They have positive attitudes, embrace problem solving, new ideas and are generous with their time, energy and love.

My personal observation has been that quite often a rigid, closed body signals a rigid, closed mind.
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Old 09-17-2017, 05:21 PM
Location: Las Vegas
13,899 posts, read 25,355,967 times
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Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe View Post
I no longer want a partner, so I'm not sure if you'd be interested in my reasons why or not.

As a woman, when I've been involved with a man, I inevitably had more work than when I was single. Men are high maintenance. Men think they are contributing a fair amount to a relationship, but they rarely are. And if they are contributing equally or more, it's usually only a financial contribution that they are contributing - not an equal physical effort.

There is the occasional woman who finds a man who will provide maids and nannies and chefs, etc. But this is not the norm.

Plus, men will inevitably want more sex than the woman wants. So, what happens is, she has done more than her physical share of work - often working a full-time job, then expected to clean, cook, do laundry, take care of kids, compromise on what she really wants to watch on television - and then when she falls into bed exhausted - the husband will want sex. And/or he'll want sex when she wakes up. Followed by him asking her where his socks are, or what's for breakfast, or did she pick up the dry cleaning.

So, honestly, in the retirement world, it is much harder for a man to find a female partner, because the available pool of women who might be interested in him, will have shrunk enormously. When a woman is young and in love and still has the Disney idea of romance, she is more apt to fall into the overworked trap I describe above. But, once that veneer has worn off, and she's older and wiser, she's not likely to go along for the ride based on some notion of romance. By then, she knows the reality of being tired and taken for granted.

So, you really have to think more in terms of what you have to offer. If you are obese, you are obviously not an Adonis, so a woman is not going to be drawn to you purely for your good looks. So, what can you offer her that is better for her than living alone? If she lives alone, she can eat what she wants, when she wants, can sleep when she feels like it without being disturbed by snoring or a man who wants sex. She won't be expected to cook or clean, etc.

So, really, what is it that you have to offer a woman that is better for her than living alone with all of the above freedom? That's what you need to figure out.

For me, you couldn't tempt me, even if you were Adonis LOL. I love the freedom I have. I love that nobody bothers me about any extra weight. I don't have to discuss what's for dinner. I don't have to do anyone's laundry but my own.

Men overestimate their worth when it comes to traditional men's chores, too, by the way. Which entails, what, normally? Taking the garbage out? Piece of cake. Mowing the lawn once a week? Easily paid for. Chopping wood? Also, easily bought, if someone even needs this anymore. That's pretty much it. So, obviously nowhere near the realm of what women do in a household. Meaning, that the loss of a man is usually a lessening of work, as opposed to a loss of benefits.

You may dismiss me as a feminist, but if you look logically at the reality of a woman's life, you'll see that I'm right. So, how you make her life easier by being in it - is up to you.
A few years ago I would have agreed with you 100%. Men do make women's lives a LOT more work. I was honestly fatigued with the idea that I had to be everything to everyone. Take care of elderly family, work full time, bring home the majority of the money, take care of the home and yard, and cook/clean etc. Long story short, I had never been with anyone who even tried to take care of me or make my life easier. Seriously, if I have to support myself why do I want to do all that other stuff for other people who do nothing for me? The equivalent of 3 full time jobs is just too much.

The man I am with now does things for me. I like cream in my coffee. He does not. This morning, he brought my coffee to me. Now he just got dressed and went to the store, HIS IDEA, because he noticed I was running low. Things like this blow me away because I never expect anyone to do anything for me.

I still do more than my share of the 'work'. But now I can find some joy in it. It makes me happy to please him because he also tries to please me. Makes all the difference in the world.
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Old 09-17-2017, 05:26 PM
Location: Las Vegas
13,899 posts, read 25,355,967 times
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Honesty, sense of humor, a good friend and companion. A good, kind, person!
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