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Old 09-17-2017, 05:32 PM
 
911 posts, read 531,435 times
Reputation: 3720

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Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe View Post
I no longer want a partner, so I'm not sure if you'd be interested in my reasons why or not.

As a woman, when I've been involved with a man, I inevitably had more work than when I was single. Men are high maintenance. Men think they are contributing a fair amount to a relationship, but they rarely are. And if they are contributing equally or more, it's usually only a financial contribution that they are contributing - not an equal physical effort.

There is the occasional woman who finds a man who will provide maids and nannies and chefs, etc. But this is not the norm.

Plus, men will inevitably want more sex than the woman wants. So, what happens is, she has done more than her physical share of work - often working a full-time job, then expected to clean, cook, do laundry, take care of kids, compromise on what she really wants to watch on television - and then when she falls into bed exhausted - the husband will want sex. And/or he'll want sex when she wakes up. Followed by him asking her where his socks are, or what's for breakfast, or did she pick up the dry cleaning.

So, honestly, in the retirement world, it is much harder for a man to find a female partner, because the available pool of women who might be interested in him, will have shrunk enormously. When a woman is young and in love and still has the Disney idea of romance, she is more apt to fall into the overworked trap I describe above. But, once that veneer has worn off, and she's older and wiser, she's not likely to go along for the ride based on some notion of romance. By then, she knows the reality of being tired and taken for granted.

So, you really have to think more in terms of what you have to offer. If you are obese, you are obviously not an Adonis, so a woman is not going to be drawn to you purely for your good looks. So, what can you offer her that is better for her than living alone? If she lives alone, she can eat what she wants, when she wants, can sleep when she feels like it without being disturbed by snoring or a man who wants sex. She won't be expected to cook or clean, etc.

So, really, what is it that you have to offer a woman that is better for her than living alone with all of the above freedom? That's what you need to figure out.

For me, you couldn't tempt me, even if you were Adonis LOL. I love the freedom I have. I love that nobody bothers me about any extra weight. I don't have to discuss what's for dinner. I don't have to do anyone's laundry but my own.

Men overestimate their worth when it comes to traditional men's chores, too, by the way. Which entails, what, normally? Taking the garbage out? Piece of cake. Mowing the lawn once a week? Easily paid for. Chopping wood? Also, easily bought, if someone even needs this anymore. That's pretty much it. So, obviously nowhere near the realm of what women do in a household. Meaning, that the loss of a man is usually a lessening of work, as opposed to a loss of benefits.

You may dismiss me as a feminist, but if you look logically at the reality of a woman's life, you'll see that I'm right. So, how you make her life easier by being in it - is up to you.
I'd say this is true for women who are able to be financially independent. But honestly after watching my mother pass away and seeing the eager women come out of the woodwork toward my father I think money plays a big part in this. In my experience financially secure widows are happy remaining single, while those who aren't are very happy to snag a new widower ASAP if it means having money.
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Old 09-17-2017, 05:53 PM
 
Location: Ohio
1,217 posts, read 2,352,258 times
Reputation: 2214
Kindness is always first.
After that we must have shared values about money, politics count as reflecting core values, humor also reflects values (meaning no denigrating jokes).
Honesty? Of course but some people are mean in their honesty (hey you've gained weight).

I met my spouse 39 years ago by asking his opinion on my project. He was kind and helpful when he could have been "honest" and hurt my feelings. (My work was pretty bad at that time ha).
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Old 09-17-2017, 06:01 PM
 
165 posts, read 124,980 times
Reputation: 574
Kindness. Genuine, especially toward old folks and animals and those who have nothing to offer him.

Integrity. Let me never doubt that he will do the right thing in every circumstance. Help me ascertain sometimes what is the right thing to do.

Make me laugh. Laugh with me, and at me.

It's not much. It's a lot.
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Old 09-17-2017, 06:40 PM
 
Location: Central IL
15,253 posts, read 8,543,297 times
Reputation: 35677
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe View Post
I no longer want a partner, so I'm not sure if you'd be interested in my reasons why or not.

As a woman, when I've been involved with a man, I inevitably had more work than when I was single. Men are high maintenance. Men think they are contributing a fair amount to a relationship, but they rarely are. And if they are contributing equally or more, it's usually only a financial contribution that they are contributing - not an equal physical effort.

There is the occasional woman who finds a man who will provide maids and nannies and chefs, etc. But this is not the norm.

Plus, men will inevitably want more sex than the woman wants. So, what happens is, she has done more than her physical share of work - often working a full-time job, then expected to clean, cook, do laundry, take care of kids, compromise on what she really wants to watch on television - and then when she falls into bed exhausted - the husband will want sex. And/or he'll want sex when she wakes up. Followed by him asking her where his socks are, or what's for breakfast, or did she pick up the dry cleaning.

So, honestly, in the retirement world, it is much harder for a man to find a female partner, because the available pool of women who might be interested in him, will have shrunk enormously. When a woman is young and in love and still has the Disney idea of romance, she is more apt to fall into the overworked trap I describe above. But, once that veneer has worn off, and she's older and wiser, she's not likely to go along for the ride based on some notion of romance. By then, she knows the reality of being tired and taken for granted.

So, you really have to think more in terms of what you have to offer. If you are obese, you are obviously not an Adonis, so a woman is not going to be drawn to you purely for your good looks. So, what can you offer her that is better for her than living alone? If she lives alone, she can eat what she wants, when she wants, can sleep when she feels like it without being disturbed by snoring or a man who wants sex. She won't be expected to cook or clean, etc.

So, really, what is it that you have to offer a woman that is better for her than living alone with all of the above freedom? That's what you need to figure out.

For me, you couldn't tempt me, even if you were Adonis LOL. I love the freedom I have. I love that nobody bothers me about any extra weight. I don't have to discuss what's for dinner. I don't have to do anyone's laundry but my own.

Men overestimate their worth when it comes to traditional men's chores, too, by the way. Which entails, what, normally? Taking the garbage out? Piece of cake. Mowing the lawn once a week? Easily paid for. Chopping wood? Also, easily bought, if someone even needs this anymore. That's pretty much it. So, obviously nowhere near the realm of what women do in a household. Meaning, that the loss of a man is usually a lessening of work, as opposed to a loss of benefits.

You may dismiss me as a feminist, but if you look logically at the reality of a woman's life, you'll see that I'm right. So, how you make her life easier by being in it - is up to you.
I can't dismiss all the things I've also found to be true! For many men the ultimate contribution is money - I suppose since/if that's what they value most. So once that's done, they needn't do anything else to support the relationship or their partner in terms of emotion or actual physical assistance. It is sad, but true. Now, I know everyone on c-d is more evolved than the typical - so I'll hear a lot of defensiveness - but it isn't typical.

Men expect a lot in terms of physical appearance and if you don't have it or lose it then it seems that gives them even more of an allowance. BTW, only beautiful women get to care about the physical appearance of their man - I mean they can care...but they can't really CARE. So it's indeed a good thing that women tend to place less importance on it.

That said, I value curiosity and self-awareness/honesty.
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Old 09-17-2017, 06:49 PM
 
Location: Central IL
15,253 posts, read 8,543,297 times
Reputation: 35677
Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
Quite a few mentions of 'honesty'. What does that mean to you when putting it at the very top or near top of the list? Does it mean no lying, no cheating in the relationship, along with no unethical behavior in business and life?

I think not lying is very important and crucial for maintaining trust in what one's partner is saying. But somehow I wouldn't think to put it so near the top.

I do realize that lying can and does erode a good relationship.

(no need to answer - just mentioning this as a thought)
I think by your 50's and 60's we've all been on the bad side of a dishonest person...and the energy it takes to ignore it or put up with it...or the hurt after finding out you've been duped. Being honest and being with an honest person who also knows themself is so much easier and less stressful. And you waste a lot less time!
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Old 09-17-2017, 07:37 PM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
18,121 posts, read 22,989,204 times
Reputation: 35310
I wanted to add one more thing that retired women also consider regarding a possible new mate. And that's ending up being his caregiver. This is something that would not be limited to straight couples. But, I've heard this brought up many times in girl talk over coffee with other retired women regarding being lonely and thinking about getting married again, etc. They often were the caregiver of a spouse that died, and don't want to go through it again.
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Old 09-17-2017, 08:05 PM
 
Location: Forest bathing
1,630 posts, read 967,833 times
Reputation: 3804
I knew my husband in high school. I thought he was the best looking guy in our class. He didn't know I existed. Seven years later, we ran into each other at a bar. He had put on weight but was still good looking. We hit it off, had the same goals and expectations, and enjoyed some of the same activities. He wasn't ready to settle down so we dated casually. Eventually we married and this October we will celebrate 35 years being married.

We still enjoy being with other and are each other's best friend. He is still nice looking but what I like about him are these qualities: sense of humor, capable (can fix anything), sense of adventure, and ability to understand the complex person that I am. He's not perfect: bossy at times, sarcastic, and impatient. These manifested themselves after he retired. I call him on it when he is out of line.

I don't plan on remarrying if he passes first. I have seen too many second marriages involving kids and inheritances that were hornets nests upon one spouse passing. I am also content with my own company and friends. Maybe for companionship.

If I were to choose what I would want in a mate now, looks wouldn't factor into the top qualities but would still play a role. I would want someone who is honest, kind, intelligent, funny, has a joie de vivre and enjoys what I do.
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Old 09-17-2017, 08:16 PM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
31,700 posts, read 19,992,457 times
Reputation: 45753
I can tell you the older I get, the pickier I get.

Well, I mean not right now... I'm married and quite fond of my husband.
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Old 09-17-2017, 10:13 PM
 
26,591 posts, read 52,323,935 times
Reputation: 20438
Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
I can't dismiss all the things I've also found to be true! For many men the ultimate contribution is money - I suppose since/if that's what they value most. So once that's done, they needn't do anything else to support the relationship or their partner in terms of emotion or actual physical assistance. It is sad, but true. Now, I know everyone on c-d is more evolved than the typical - so I'll hear a lot of defensiveness - but it isn't typical.

Men expect a lot in terms of physical appearance and if you don't have it or lose it then it seems that gives them even more of an allowance. BTW, only beautiful women get to care about the physical appearance of their man - I mean they can care...but they can't really CARE. So it's indeed a good thing that women tend to place less importance on it.

That said, I value curiosity and self-awareness/honesty.
Many of my very senior friends would say the man's job is to provide and the woman's is to be a homemaker...

Don't here this much anymore... but a lot of my oldest friends are very old... just had a nice visit with my neighbor... she will be 102 in a few weeks and still lives in the house she and her husband built in 60+ years ago... she is one that comes to mind... her husband was the breadwinner and she was the homemaker and even though she has been a widow for decades she still speaks wonderfully of her husband in how he made sure should anything happen to her that the home would be paid for and she would have income...
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Old 09-17-2017, 10:17 PM
 
26,591 posts, read 52,323,935 times
Reputation: 20438
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe View Post
I wanted to add one more thing that retired women also consider regarding a possible new mate. And that's ending up being his caregiver. This is something that would not be limited to straight couples. But, I've heard this brought up many times in girl talk over coffee with other retired women regarding being lonely and thinking about getting married again, etc. They often were the caregiver of a spouse that died, and don't want to go through it again.
Happened to one of Mom's friends... a soon to be retired Nurse... she met a widower and fell in love... they had 2 wonderful years of traveling, entertaining and really enjoying life... he became ill and it was 7 years of a downward spiral that sapped all of her energy and she really aged...

Can't underestimate the caregiver role but I have seen it both ways... devoted husbands doing everything for their terminally ill spouses...
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