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You have mentioned being stationed in different places, perhaps the thought of another move is just too exhausting to contemplate, but she doesn't want to disappoint you.
Maybe 3-4 years is too far out for your wife to think about. It isn't, but she may think it is.
Is this refusal to communicate out of the norm for your wife or is this an ongoing situation no matter what the topic?
I would drop it for a while. Your wife may be thinking and just need some time to formulate her thoughts and opinions before she discusses it. While it would be best if she told you this, for whatever reason she isn't. If a few months go by and she is still unwilling to discuss, I would seek some counseling. A professional may provide some insight so you can decide how to proceed.
May be the fact that the OP doesn't have a clue is a big clue
For myself, just me personally, I never cared to make big plans and talk about them incessantly until it was near time to actually do something.
the fact that the OP is getting irritated here on the forum with the people who are talking to him but suggest things the OP doesn't agree with might be another clue
I'm happy to listen to her point of view if she'd give one. "I don't know" however doesn't provide a starting point for a discussion. I did get one bit of info out of her today. She wasn't kidding about a beach in Colorado. Her ideal home is in the mountains, near the ocean, with four seasons, fall leaves, winter snow, warm in the winter, cool in the summer. Basically unobtainium.
So......she's told you what she wants and so far you have called it silly and unobtainable. If that's what you think, you have probably conveyed that to her some way whether you said it or not. Not really conducive to further discussion.
On the other hand, what she wants is not that farfetched as many people would like the same things if they were easy to find all in one place.......which they aren't.
The easiest way to have all these things is to have two homes......and go back and forth. Not sure if that's an option the two of you would consider.
But, if not, then eventually you will do what most people do, prioritize the things most important to you in order to come as close as you can to your ideal location. Since you're not limited by anything other than your own preferences, maybe it just seems like a monumental task to her. People do become paralyzed sometimes with too much choice.....especially if she is also feeling frustrated that the place she wants doesn't exist.
We also don't know anything about how you function as a team. For example, if my husband wants to talk about something, I know that means he is going to be pressuring me to do it right away. Sometimes I humor him. But, sometimes if I don't want to do something on the same time frame, I just shut the convo down and say "I cant think about or talk about that right now."
She has given you more than enough info to work with on your own. But, rather than trying to pin her down to a place, I would try to obtain more generic info. House or condo? Large town or small? etc.
This is going to sound like it's coming from way off in left field, but.....could there be someone in her life that you don't know about. Someone she doesn't want to leave?
I wouldn't jump to conclusions, but it happened to me. My first hubby talked about moving to Vermont/New Hampshire/western Mass. to be near his family. I liked the idea and started sending resumes to places that might have openings in my field up there. In a few months I got two interviews and we planned a trip to see family and for me to take the interviews. After we got home, he started dragging his feet about it. I asked why, he just didn't want to talk about it anymore. Finally he just said he wasn't going to move, so I turned down a very nice job offer. Shortly after it came out that he was starting an affair with someone he worked with, and apparently had decided he didn't want to leave her. End of marriage.
So that's probably pretty far-fetched! But I'm saying the reason could be something that you just never even considered
Quote:
It's very hard to see inside someone else's mind
I think maybe you just need to keep planning to retire to "destination unknown" and see how it plays out as it gets closer. 3-4 years away is still a long time. Maybe she just needs time to adjust to the concept of retired life, or maybe she just doesn't want to move again.
I hope it all worked out well for you. It’s so true about not knowing what goes on in someone’s mind which is why a little red flag went up for me when the OP asked for help in persuading his wife into doing what he wanted her to do. We do not know enough about their circumstances, certainly not hers. I would be fearful of suggesting something that could turn out terribly wrong for her because I didn’t know all the details. Nothing wrong with suggestions regarding retirement planning though and there have been done good ones suggested here.
If staying put is the decision, then we can move forward with that as a decision and make positive upgrades here. The problem is being stuck in Schrodinger's paradox. All decisions are equally likely. Which means we can't make forward progress on any of them.
I understand. In that situation, I would lean towards the possibility that she is maybe afraid of what retirement means. I worked with a man who worked hard his entire life, always providing for his wife and children. When he retired, his wife divorced him. It seems she didn't like him at all, and was only tolerant of him when he provided a pay cheque and stayed out of her way. That's obviously a worst case scenario, but his dreams of travel and relaxed retirement were destroyed.
One of my neighbors didn't plan for retirement. When she was diagnosed with bone cancer, her mobility and independence were compromised. Her children moved her into a care home and put a big dumpster on the parking pad. I'm sure that she was kicking and screaming the entire time and that she has no idea that her house has been emptied. Retirement planning has to also include eventualities of deteriorating health or mobility. Do you have all the legal documents related to enduring power of attorney and Will filed with a lawyer? Have you made decisions about what type of end-of-life care you want? If not, that would be a good place to start.
Maybe you can go for dinner with another couple who are at the same life stage to introduce the topic in a situation where your wife might be more inclined to express her wishes about retirement planning.
If staying put is the decision, then we can move forward with that as a decision and make positive upgrades here. The problem is being stuck in Schrodinger's paradox. All decisions are equally likely. Which means we can't make forward progress on any of them.
You've mentioned being stationed here and there for just a few years. Perhaps she's tired of moving.
May be the fact that the OP doesn't have a clue is a big clue
For myself, just me personally, I never cared to make big plans and talk about them incessantly until it was near time to actually do something.
the fact that the OP is getting irritated here on the forum with the people who are talking to him but suggest things the OP doesn't agree with might be another clue
This is excellent.
In addition to the above, if the OP has somehow downplayed other things his wife has said, why would she want to say anything more?
Maybe she knows her refusal to speak about it is getting to you. It might be a means of her getting back at you for all the times you have laughed at her and told her that what she is saying is silly or not do-able.
OP, I've been there, done that. There's a very long thread about it here, filled with a few helpful suggestions but even more personal attacks.
That's just the way people are on C-D. They personalize someone else's dilemma. Pay them no mind. After all, you're dealing with a bunch of grouchy old people.
After years of wrangling on the retirement issue, I finally found out why my spouse was tying himself into knots and jumping through hoops to avoid talking honestly about it. I can't share the reason here and I don't think it would help you anyway. But I sure wish I could have those years back. So I think you need to get this resolved.
We didn't find a marriage counselor to be helpful in facilitating communication. There are good counselors and bad ones. We got a bad one. He immediately sided with my spouse from the first session and attacked me on DH's behalf. I think it was in the eighth session when the counselor demanded to know my definition of the word "friend". I said that a friend is a person you care about and who cares about you. He got all wide-eyed and scoffed, "REALLY? That's what you think?" At that moment I stood up and said, "I'm done with this bullcrap" and walked out.
A marriage counselor may help you two, though. I would recommend a woman because I think a woman would be instinctively less threatening to your wife. Or she could see someone one-on-one. Whatever she's comfortable with.
We're about 3-4 years away from retirement (assuming the economy doesn't head south again) and so it's time to start thinking about where and how we want to live in retirement. I have a pretty good idea of where I'd like to be in terms of location, lifestyle, home, etc, though there's a lot of flexibility in each of those to get the compromise solution.
My wife however refuses to discuss it, getting angry every time I bring it up. She'll give really silly answers that are unrealistic (an ocean front home in the Colorado mountains for one) or just clam up and say nothing.
How does one get a reluctant spouse to discuss retirement?
I understand. My wife was reluctant to talk about. Many of the things involved in evaluating and making the decision were things she didn't have a high interest level in. She wanted to retire sooner than we actually did. She knew the area we were targeting and we had a son who had actually moved there. Even now I am the one more into the long term planning involving CCRC's down the road etc. I am a long term thinker and planner and she isn't. She is comfortable leaving that up to me especially since I have done so well at this point. Not everyone embraces change the same way. Even when inevitable we handle it differently. While you may think now is the time she may not and it could be that simple.
Not everyone is the same when it comes to logistics and planning. You for a wide range of reasons may be more into it then she is. Certainly is the case with us. I love it and my wife is not as so inclined.
Hmm, Salt Lake City or South Lake Tahoe provide a bit of that mix, assuming a large lake can replace the ocean.
Bada Bing! She did tell the OP what she wanted. Hopefully this is a helpful thought for him.
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