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Old 11-25-2017, 01:48 PM
 
6,838 posts, read 3,708,603 times
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We're about 3-4 years away from retirement (assuming the economy doesn't head south again) and so it's time to start thinking about where and how we want to live in retirement. I have a pretty good idea of where I'd like to be in terms of location, lifestyle, home, etc, though there's a lot of flexibility in each of those to get the compromise solution.


My wife however refuses to discuss it, getting angry every time I bring it up. She'll give really silly answers that are unrealistic (an ocean front home in the Colorado mountains for one) or just clam up and say nothing.


How does one get a reluctant spouse to discuss retirement?
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Old 11-25-2017, 01:55 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,726,438 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tnff View Post
We're about 3-4 years away from retirement (assuming the economy doesn't head south again) and so it's time to start thinking about where and how we want to live in retirement. I have a pretty good idea of where I'd like to be in terms of location, lifestyle, home, etc, though there's a lot of flexibility in each of those to get the compromise solution.


My wife however refuses to discuss it, getting angry every time I bring it up. She'll give really silly answers that are unrealistic (an ocean front home in the Colorado mountains for one) or just clam up and say nothing.


How does one get a reluctant spouse to discuss retirement?

You can't force her to discuss it. The fact that she won't is a huge red flag in your marriage. I would suggest marriage counseling, and if she refuses to go, go by yourself.


I assume you have asked her why she won't discuss it and why the topic makes her angry, and not gotten anywhere with those questions either? I sense other issues coloring all this.
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Old 11-25-2017, 01:57 PM
 
Location: Central IL
15,200 posts, read 8,509,345 times
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There's apparently some unspoken or unresolved issue here. Are you not in agreement about the time of your retirement? Are there some extenuating circumstances in terms of timing her retirement with yours? Are there financial disagreements - she doesn't think you've saved enough? There's something basic that sounds like it is off - maybe beyond just the "where" of retirement.
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Old 11-25-2017, 02:02 PM
 
Location: 49th parallel
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Maybe she doesn't want to move anywhere. Maybe she wants to stay put where you are now and knows she doesn't have an argument for that - she just doesn't want to go.

Or maybe it's something else, but that comes to mind immediately.
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Old 11-25-2017, 02:04 PM
 
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Maybe she thinks it is just too soon?
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Old 11-25-2017, 02:08 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
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Originally Posted by ndcairngorm View Post
Maybe she doesn't want to move anywhere. Maybe she wants to stay put where you are now and knows she doesn't have an argument for that - she just doesn't want to go.

Or maybe it's something else, but that comes to mind immediately.

I thought of that too. But if that's the case, she should say so! She doesn't have to have reasons lined up, just that she is happy where they are and she doesn't want to move. The husband's frustration with the absolute refusal to communicate must be terrible to bear. My mother was like his wife and I always (since mid-childhood) considered her mentally ill.
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Old 11-25-2017, 02:09 PM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
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Sounds like she's happy where she's at. Or possibly she has other issues around your retiring. Does she work outside the home? Maybe she is not looking forward to 24 hour togetherness.
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Old 11-25-2017, 02:16 PM
 
6,306 posts, read 5,042,575 times
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Originally Posted by Escort Rider View Post
I thought of that too. But if that's the case, she should say so! She doesn't have to have reasons lined up, just that she is happy where they are and she doesn't want to move. The husband's frustration with the absolute refusal to communicate must be terrible to bear. My mother was like his wife and I always (since mid-childhood) considered her mentally ill.
Maybe she has given him ideas in the past and he just didn't listen or take her seriously?

He didn't agree so it didn't stick in his brain? Unintentionally of course
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Old 11-25-2017, 02:31 PM
 
Location: Northern panhandle WV
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Lakefront in the Colorado mountains might be doable.
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Old 11-25-2017, 02:45 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,726,438 times
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Originally Posted by Clemencia53 View Post
Maybe she has given him ideas in the past and he just didn't listen or take her seriously?

He didn't agree so it didn't stick in his brain? Unintentionally of course

No one can say you are wrong since we don't know both sides of the story, but why imagine possible reasons that it could be the husband's fault? We only have the OP's story to go by, of course, but in the absence of noticeable contradictions it's not fair to accuse him (even indirectly) of being a liar. I like to assume that posters are operating in good faith until they prove otherwise.
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