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Old 12-28-2017, 07:32 AM
 
318 posts, read 465,620 times
Reputation: 815

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Quote:
Originally Posted by slyfox2 View Post
And yes.... I would do it again to keep my child from jail time. I do believe that any caring parent would.

She had college loans. Some company offered her a better interest rate than the Federal Government, so she took it. Then she lost her job, and could not get another one for a period of time. In the mean time, if she had still had the federal loan, the Feds would have discontinued required payments until she got a job. But the private company moved on her. Since she had no assets, they were threatening extremely nasty criminal suit for fraud, and were threatening jail time.

Then she did get a job, but it was not enough to pay the back balance, or barely live on with the payment they wanted per month. So she was paying what she could. They were threatening to garnish her wages for the full amount, which might have put her back on welfare. it was a nasty complicated situation.

We paid the balance that the company was harassing her for. She got back on her payments, and by 5 years later had paid it all off.

There is no adult baby here. But your response is disgusting and typical of what people think they can say on the internet. I seriously doubt you would have said such an obnoxious comment to my face.
Seriously now?

Hardly a nasty comment... I was backing YOU 100% until your little tirade here.

NO ONE GOES TO JAIL FOR COLLEGE LOAN DEBT, GENIUS! Sheesh.

Can't take it being called as it is? You stated yourself that your kids don't want to have contact! And yet you defend their behavior? Sorry, but everyone comes from a dysfunctional family to a degree. That dysfunctional alcoholic saga line doesn't buy your kids a free pass to be a*******.

I know what I'm talking about... and don't need to justify it to you!

I would say "Adult baby" to your face. Check my reps here. Im straightforward and honest and not mean. But I don't sugar coat it!

Yeah... I know you will be reading this even though you say you are done.
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Old 12-28-2017, 07:35 AM
 
8,085 posts, read 5,220,888 times
Reputation: 22685
Quote:
Originally Posted by slyfox2 View Post
As the OP, I have gotten what I wanted from this thread.

It has now degenerated into other discussions, and attacks on me for my choices by people who simply do not understand, nor do they wish to understand, the often irrational responses to circumstances in a dysfunctional alcoholic family, or in how these families propagate in further generations even when drinking no longer exists.

Thanks to all who replied with conscientious responses and answered my question.

I will not be returning to the thread, so I will not see any more responses to it.. As they say in workshops when the leader takes a bathroom break: “Feel free to talk among yourselves”.
Lol. The "exit speech"...

Just as well, really...you blame alcoholism that your dad had and that you let continue into your own family...excuses. No wonder life is a disaster. Stop blaming generations ago...
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Old 12-28-2017, 07:36 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
67,652 posts, read 60,547,288 times
Reputation: 101045
Quote:
Originally Posted by cdelena View Post
People are often jailed for failure to pay municipal fines.
I don't think the loan in question is a municipal fine.
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Old 12-28-2017, 07:37 AM
 
8,085 posts, read 5,220,888 times
Reputation: 22685
Quote:
Originally Posted by Turbogyrl View Post
Seriously now?

Hardly a nasty comment... I was backing YOU 100% until your little tirade here.

NO ONE GOES TO JAIL FOR COLLEGE LOAN DEBT, GENIUS! Sheesh.

Can't take it being called as it is? You stated yourself that your kids don't want to have contact! And yet you defend their behavior? Sorry, but everyone comes from a dysfunctional family to a degree. That dysfunctional alcoholic saga line doesn't buy your kids a free pass to be a*******.

I know what I'm talking about... and don't need to justify it to you!

I would say "Adult baby" to your face. Check my reps here. Im straightforward and honest and not mean. But I don't sugar coat it!

Yeah... I know you will be reading this even though you say you are done.
Agree yet it doesn't give the OP a pass either...that they have been using the whole thread.
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Old 12-28-2017, 07:40 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
67,652 posts, read 60,547,288 times
Reputation: 101045
Dysfunction junction - what's your function? Lord have mercy.

People get all wadded up about stuff because they don't apply basic principles to things. I'm not talking about being rigid - I'm talking about having values and basic principles. If you have those, then there AREN'T a lot of "gray areas." I mean, there are gray areas in life, but not nearly as many as some people make out.
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Old 12-28-2017, 07:45 AM
 
8,085 posts, read 5,220,888 times
Reputation: 22685
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
Dysfunction junction - what's your function? Lord have mercy.

People get all wadded up about stuff because they don't apply basic principles to things. I'm not talking about being rigid - I'm talking about having values and basic principles. If you have those, then there AREN'T a lot of "gray areas." I mean, there are gray areas in life, but not nearly as many as some people make out.
But....but...you don't understand! Someone drank and ruined my life generations ago so now I'll make the next generation pay too!

In other words, I agree with you.
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Old 12-28-2017, 07:58 AM
 
9,153 posts, read 9,450,536 times
Reputation: 14039
Quote:
Originally Posted by Turbogyrl View Post

NO ONE GOES TO JAIL FOR COLLEGE LOAN DEBT
No one is allowed to garnish 100% of wages either, AFAIK. The max is 20 or 25%.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LLCNYC View Post

Just as well, really...you blame alcoholism that your dad had and that you let continue into your own family...excuses. No wonder life is a disaster. Stop blaming generations ago...
I think I read OP was in his 70's? It was harder to get help in his generation. These things were stigmatized pretty severely.

Younger generations can avoid carrying on the family tradition by getting therapy for themselves, and then parenting classes should they have children. Those of us who weren't raised properly don't have a good example to follow, and most of us need help figuring out what a child needs at each stage of development.

If OP is still reading, I just wanted to add that the thing that bugs me the most about my mother is that she could never admit that she was abusive. She won't admit she ever called us awful names and slapped us around let alone that she inflicted mental and emotional scars. If she had at least admitted it, I may have continued contact with her. Because she continued to deny and blame her children, calling us liars, I cut her off 25 years ago and have no intentions of seeing her again and I have no regrets. I feel nothing but relief.

If you'd like to try to repair your relationship with your children, that's where I'd start. Admit they had a dysfunctional childhood and give a sincere apology. That's not grovelling. You said above that your children were raised in the dynamics of an alcoholic family, and that's always dysfunctional. Always.

You can tell them you wish you'd gotten therapy. You wish you could go back and do things differently. If your kids are having kids, encourage them to go to parenting classes at the very minimum. Tell them you're sorry you didn't stop the cycle and you want them to be aware of what is occurring so that they can take the steps to stop it with the next generation.
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Old 12-28-2017, 08:55 AM
 
4,901 posts, read 8,718,989 times
Reputation: 7117
Quote:
Originally Posted by smt1111 View Post

I was considering cutting the assets down to a lower amount and giving the rest to charity but that bothers me too. If my sibling ends up getting divorced or has a major medical problem in old age, I would want to make sure they do have a safety net. Plus, I have no one charity that I want to give it to. I have about 6 charities that I will probably make some provision for, but it's a little cumbersome to list all the charities. Also again, I don't want the charities to get the assets if my sibling really needs it.

It's a dilemma.
Could you leave it in some sort of "trust" (not sure if that's the right term) for your sibling, in his/her name only? Just have it provide a monthly amount for as long as he/she lives (and you might even possibly include a stipulation that provides the full amount in the event of divorce, but don't tell him/her that) and then have the rest go to the charities. It doesn't really seem so cumbersome to me to list out 6 charities.
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Old 12-28-2017, 11:59 AM
 
17,149 posts, read 21,813,281 times
Reputation: 29378
Quote:
Originally Posted by slyfox2 View Post
As the OP, I have gotten what I wanted from this thread.

It has now degenerated into other discussions, and attacks on me for my choices by people who simply do not understand, nor do they wish to understand, the often irrational responses to circumstances in a dysfunctional alcoholic family, or in how these families propagate in further generations even when drinking no longer exists.

Thanks to all who replied with conscientious responses and answered my question.

I will not be returning to the thread, so I will not see any more responses to it.. As they say in workshops when the leader takes a bathroom break: “Feel free to talk among yourselves”.
I'd ignore this kind of parent too!

I grew up with middle to upper middle class relatives. A couple of relatives crushed it, made tens of millions. Nothing will trickle down to me so I have zero expectations.

A few things I have seen with deaths and expected windfalls:

1. Gramps dies, has about a 7mm estate, 7 kids so they are all expecting 1mm each. Reality was 100K each for 5 kids, the other two split the rest......oops.

2. Another grandfather dies: 8mm estate, 4 kids......2 kids tapped money early to help raise their families. They somehow thought that money was a "gift" and they still get their full inheritance. Wrong...... they got less than 1mm each, the other two kids that had taken nothing got the rest (full shares).

3. Uncle dies unexpectantly. Middle of a divorce, but not finished......wife inherits everything. Uncle's estate plan was never funded, no cash/assets to disburse. So heirs saw a will, but there was no cash in the estate!

4. Guy is scheming his inheritance (mother has probably 1.5-2mm estate). 20-30 years of planning the windfall but due to poor health he DIES first........never saw a dime! Mother leaves everything to the brother who the guy was trying to scheme out of the money every chance he got! Irony at best! Mother played the "be nice or your out of the will" card for years, I laughed every time I heard it. In the end, everyone who got the threat over the years got NOTHING anyway!

I go along with zero expectations.......so I can't be disappointed!
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Old 12-28-2017, 01:02 PM
 
219 posts, read 156,601 times
Reputation: 616
My parents gifted their three children love, food, clothing, shelter, vacations, college educations and their first cars. Entering into the adult world debt-free with adequate life skills and continuing moral support as needed were the greatest gifts they ever could have given us; for me, it allowed me to make career choices that I might otherwise have not been able to make had I had student and/or auto loans. After my father's death, my mother began giving each of us a sum of money annually to be spent or saved as we saw fit. The latter was entirely unexpected and unnecessary as neither my late father nor my mother owe their children a damn thing. All three of us are are in regular contact with our surviving parent out of love far more than duty. I guess the point that I'm trying to make is that seeing as you and your spouse gave your children the gifts of love and financial freedom as they entered the adult world, whether or not you leave them a penny is entirely up to you. My two cents is that spend every dime of your hard earned money that you need or want to and don't worry leaving an inheritance for ungrateful and peevish adult children who were given the skills to earn their own way.
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