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I was close to my mother's parents growing up. We moved around town a good bit until I was about 11, and my grandparents lived closer to my elementary and middle schools than we typically did. Grandfather retired shortly after I started elementary school, and he'd normally come get me from school, and I stayed over in the summers until I was in middle school or so, and took care of the yard and such as I got older. He passed away in 2009 when I was 23, but she's still alive. They were salt of the earth, straight-laced people - hard to find better. The whole block was full of similarly good people.
Dad's parents couldn't be more different. His father was an extreme alcoholic until having a massive heart attack at 75 back in 2010, and also going through full blown DTs and alcohol withdrawals. Numerous felonies. In and out of jail even in his 60s. She didn't drink, but would rile him up, cheated on him, legal problems of her own, etc. My parents never wanted me around them as a child - we might go over for Christmas and once every couple of months or so, but we were never close. Grandpa was probably the worst of the bunch, but both sides of dad's family are pretty rough and tumble.
He's since sobered up and they're both still alive, but they've never seemed to want to have a relationship with the grandchildren or great-nieces/nephews. She won't let anyone get a word in edgewise, and he's pretty distant. She always has something bad to say about everyone. Last time I was over there, she got me mixed up with another cousin. He's ten years younger than me, I'm big/he's thin, he has dark hair/I have light hair, etc., our names are not remotely similar, etc. There's no way you could mix us up (presuming she's not demented) unless you were just completely careless.
You'd think that after all those years of missing out on their grandchildren, that they might want to patch things up and get to know the grandchildren that they were either too drunk or too busy fighting to get to know. There are great-grandchildren now. Honestly, they just don't seem to give a crap. I don't know if they don't care, don't know how to patch things up, or what it is.
I go over there about once a month or so, but it feels forced. They really don't know me and I really don't know them. We just never really formed a bond. I was talking to two older cousins at Christmas and they feel the same way. We don't hate them, but there just isn't a lot of "there there. You can't make up, in my case, 25 years of lost time.
By contrast, my barber recently retired at 91. He somehow got my work phone number and called me chit-chatting yesterday for about fifteen minutes. WW2 vet, good person - he's more of a grandfather than my dad's dad is.
We all have our problems, but I'm just surprised that they don't seem to try to form a relationship. Did you ever neglect or screw a relationship up with the younger relatives? Did you try to patch it up?
SC, I'm very sorry that your grandparents neglect has hurt you. It sounds like these people have a lot of problems. Problems don't go away just because you stop drinking. Maybe they are doing the best they can. Sometimes it's just best to accept what is and lower your expectations.
SC, I'm very sorry that your grandparents neglect has hurt you. It sounds like these people have a lot of problems. Problems don't go away just because you stop drinking. Maybe they are doing the best they can. Sometimes it's just best to accept what is and lower your expectations.
Sending regards.
Ditto.
They had problems back then and still seem to have problems now. You will not be able to change that. I think your parents were right in limiting your exposure to them when you were growing up. Just let it be. Visit occasionally if YOU want to. And keep the visits short. It's sad, but it is what it is.
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