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I know changing the locks makes the most sense, but knowing him as I do, I think that would cause a permanent rift. Their relationship has always been strained; my mother was the buffer for a lot of my dad's Asperger's-ish behaviors. Now that she's gone, his true colors have really come to light. It's sad, but that's the reality. Still, I know that's the first thing I'd do (change the locks!) and let the chips fall where they may.
This is not unlike the recurring issue (one that has popped up many times on this forum) re taking away the car keys from a parent who no longer is a safe driver.
The most common objection is that doing so will hurt the parent's feelings, insult their dignity, make them angry, and cause a rift.
At some point, someone has to make a decision: either put up with the status quo or take action and risk alienating a parent whose faculties are failing. As you said, let the chips fall.
There really is no other alternative. It's unfortunate that you're not in a position to make that decision, instead it's up to your brother.
People use to get up in the morning, get dressed, make the bed, and be ready for the day. Your dad is on the end of a generation that didn't lock doors and people walked in to their families homes without knocking. If it was mealtime, you set another plate. People didn't have to call and ask if they could come over.
When I first started working home health in the rural south, it was common for neighbors to open the door and call out and come on in.
This doesn't explain your father's ill temper, but I think he is lonesome and doesn't think of himself as intruding. If he is "catching" your brother during intimate moments in the middle of the day, he may think such behavior is inappropriate. Does your brother go out to work? Does your father approve of your brother's lifestyle? Does your father consider the property still his, even though it was given to your brother? (I am pretty much describing my own father)
I don't think your father is right, but I think I understand him, having grown up and worked in the south. I would put an inside lock on all the doors. I would also make him welcome when its convenient and make a habit of dropping in on him at his place, maybe even every day. You have to set the boundaries. I doubt he is going to change
Last edited by newcomputer; 01-02-2018 at 10:10 PM..
Reason: forgot something
Another possibility is that your father is exhibiting signs of dementia - aka: failing to recognize common social boundaries. Rather than worry about creating a major rift ... or spending your future walking on eggshells with your father, it may be time to contact an elder-counselor who specializes in these things.
Another possibility is that your father is exhibiting signs of dementia - aka: failing to recognize common social boundaries. Rather than worry about creating a major rift ... or spending your future walking on eggshells with your father, it may be time to contact an elder-counselor who specializes in these things.
If the father's on the Asperger syndrome, then recognizing social boundaries have always been a problem for him.
About 16 years ago, my parents deeded part of their 5-acre property to my brother.
I've noticed that financial and other grants/gifts place the parents in a feeling of being in control of the lives of their underlings. I've seen it also w/ grandchildren who get money or college tuition. Knowing that they have a huge inheritance to pass along also gives them a ton of control over their successors.
And oldtimers often lose their filters and don't care anymore about pleasing others, saying the wrong things, being considerate.
No answers here - just an observation that I've noticed in my own family.
People use to get up in the morning, get dressed, make the bed, and be ready for the day. Your dad is on the end of a generation that didn't lock doors and people walked in to their families homes without knocking. If it was mealtime, you set another plate. People didn't have to call and ask if they could come over.
When I first started working home health in the rural south, it was common for neighbors to open the door and call out and come on in.
This doesn't explain your father's ill temper, but I think he is lonesome and doesn't think of himself as intruding. If he is "catching" your brother during intimate moments in the middle of the day, he may think such behavior is inappropriate. Does your brother go out to work? Does your father approve of your brother's lifestyle? Does your father consider the property still his, even though it was given to your brother? (I am pretty much describing my own father)
I don't think your father is right, but I think I understand him, having grown up and worked in the south. I would put an inside lock on all the doors. I would also make him welcome when its convenient and make a habit of dropping in on him at his place, maybe even every day. You have to set the boundaries. I doubt he is going to change
I agree. My Aunt doesn't lock doors and gets mad when I do. While house-sitting for my brother, she was coming and going doing things. One morning, she tried the knob, then her key, all to no avail because I had the deadbolt employed. She tried everything EXCEPT knocking. That literally didn't occur to her. I heard the racket and opened the door.
I would not change the locks, because that would seem personal and cause a rift.
But you can add "security" deadbolt locks that only lock from the inside... no key. If your brother is deputy sheriff, use that role to add weight to the advice. Install them on both your house, and the parents... For everyone's safety. Doesn't really matter whether the dad uses his at home or not.
Then add motion detectors that sound a doorbell and put it in the path where he'll hit it when he's walking over. We have one in our driveway. It'll give some warning that someone's coming.
I would not change the locks, because that would seem personal and cause a rift.
But you can add "security" deadbolt locks that only lock from the inside... no key. If your brother is deputy sheriff, use that role to add weight to the advice. Install them on both your house, and the parents... For everyone's safety. Doesn't really matter whether the dad uses his at home or not.
Then add motion detectors that sound a doorbell and put it in the path where he'll hit it when he's walking over. We have one in our driveway. It'll give some warning that someone's coming.
Great idea!!!
And in the big scheme of things your father is already over 80. Just let it go and don't get involved. It is between your brother and your father.
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