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Old 01-02-2018, 07:31 PM
ERH ERH started this thread
 
Location: Raleigh-Durham, NC
1,157 posts, read 1,639,604 times
Reputation: 2043

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Long story short:

About 16 years ago, my parents deeded part of their 5-acre property to my brother. Brother and wife built a home and gave my parents a key. HUGE MISTAKE.

While she was alive, my mother was generally respectful and did not simply walk in over there whenever she wanted. My father, who was apparently raised by farm animals, fails to understand why he should a) call before walking over, or b) not feel entitled to come and go as he pleases.

To be fair, my father does not enter their home when they are not there. He only does this when he knows they're home. Yes, he's walked in on them doing the deed (more than once). He seems unphased.

Understandably, my brother has reached his wit's end. The last time it happened, my brother was home sick from work and was napping. He woke to my dad standing in the doorway staring at him. They had words over it and didn't speak to each other for a few days (my dad loves to give off the silent treatment).

I tried to talk to my dad today and get him to understand, but he truly believes he should not have to call. He's almost 80, and I don't know if there's any changing his mind at this point. When I told him he's just asking to get shot (brother is a deputy sheriff), he's dismissive and says then he won't have to worry about it anymore.

Any suggestions?
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Old 01-02-2018, 07:34 PM
 
Location: Philadelphia/South Jersey area
2,879 posts, read 1,408,105 times
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seems easy to me. change the locks and get on of those do-hickeys ( very technical term) that lets you also lock the door from the inside
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Old 01-02-2018, 07:40 PM
 
6,323 posts, read 5,067,075 times
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He probably feels it is his house since he gave them the property.

Change the locks
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Old 01-02-2018, 07:41 PM
 
6,323 posts, read 5,067,075 times
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Oh yeah - just put in a latch or deadbolt that can't be opened from the outside. No need to change the locks.
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Old 01-02-2018, 07:45 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,913 posts, read 14,406,502 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eliza61nyc View Post
seems easy to me. change the locks and get on of those do-hickeys ( very technical term) that lets you also lock the door from the inside
Yes. Change the locks on the door.

It is really too bad that Pop has lost all sense of boundaries. Maybe he wants to catch his son having sex. Or maybe, he wants to see other stuff. Maybe he needs things to occupy him.

But, change the locks.
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Old 01-02-2018, 07:45 PM
 
3,604 posts, read 1,646,978 times
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I don't get why you don't just change the locks or put a latch on the door?
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Old 01-02-2018, 07:52 PM
ERH ERH started this thread
 
Location: Raleigh-Durham, NC
1,157 posts, read 1,639,604 times
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I know changing the locks makes the most sense, but knowing him as I do, I think that would cause a permanent rift. Their relationship has always been strained; my mother was the buffer for a lot of my dad's Asperger's-ish behaviors. Now that she's gone, his true colors have really come to light. It's sad, but that's the reality. Still, I know that's the first thing I'd do (change the locks!) and let the chips fall where they may.

Clemencia, you are absolutely correct. I've said as much many times. The property was supposed to be split 3 ways all those years ago, but I walked away (and never regretted it).
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Old 01-02-2018, 07:59 PM
 
Location: Raleigh
8,047 posts, read 5,901,554 times
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Maybe he really does have issues and you should post this over on the caregivers thread?
Here's a hardware solution:
https://www.lowes.com/pd/Gatehouse-4...-Guard/3353146
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Old 01-02-2018, 08:04 PM
 
6,323 posts, read 5,067,075 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ERH View Post
I know changing the locks makes the most sense, but knowing him as I do, I think that would cause a permanent rift. Their relationship has always been strained; my mother was the buffer for a lot of my dad's Asperger's-ish behaviors. Now that she's gone, his true colors have really come to light. It's sad, but that's the reality. Still, I know that's the first thing I'd do (change the locks!) and let the chips fall where they may.

Clemencia, you are absolutely correct. I've said as much many times. The property was supposed to be split 3 ways all those years ago, but I walked away (and never regretted it).
Who gets it all when your dear dad passes? If it is your brother, maybe that thought will help him be more understanding?

He didn't have to take the property. You knew what would be involved; he probably did also. Tell him to just be more open minded and get a latch.
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Old 01-02-2018, 08:55 PM
ERH ERH started this thread
 
Location: Raleigh-Durham, NC
1,157 posts, read 1,639,604 times
Reputation: 2043
Quote:
Originally Posted by Clemencia53 View Post
Who gets it all when your dear dad passes? If it is your brother, maybe that thought will help him be more understanding?

He didn't have to take the property. You knew what would be involved; he probably did also. Tell him to just be more open minded and get a latch.
I get my father's piece when he dies. We were fairly young (and naive) when this arrangement came to be, and I suspect my brother was focused on the immediate gratification (not having to pay for a lot, he could build a bigger/better house) more than thinking through the long-term reality of living right alongside them.

As for me, my decision for leaving was driven by where I wanted to raise/school my kids, and it certainly wasn't THERE, so I didn't give much thought to the long term.

With our mom gone (2 years Thursday), Dad is miserable and lonely and depressed, and he doesn't think twice about lashing out. I'm due for a visit in a couple weeks, so I'll send my brother to the hardware store for new locks, and then try to convince my dad to swap out his Xanax for a real anti-depressant.
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