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My friend, "C" is in her early 70's. When I first met her some years back, she was working full time, just as sharp as a person can be, and had a great sense of humor along with a very kind heart. Unfortunately, about 7 years ago her health began to rapidly deteriorate. It was just one thing after another - problems with her pancreas and digestion; CPD; increasing weakness and other unpleasant symptoms. We live in a very small town, and the health care system around here is more a joke than it is something to trust you well being, never mind your life to.
I begged her to go to Denver where there is outstanding medical care available, and I even told her that I'd drive her there and that I would stay with her the entire time. She wouldn't even consider it.
What's left of her health seems to be quickly deserting her. She called me a few days ago to ask if I would mind picking up a prescription and a little soup for her. Of course, I said yes. When I got to her house, I was stunned to see how much she has aged in the few short weeks since I saw her last (we normally stay in touch by phone). She is too weak to do housework, so I tidied up the kitchen and living room for her.
She is married to a man I happened to know before she ever met him. This guy is worse than having no one. He could have picked up her prescriptions for her easily - I live 10 miles south of town and don't have a car, so it's not always easy for me to come help - as concerned as I am. Once C. called me to take her to the ER because hubby couldn't be bothered to get off his fat rear end and drive his desperately ill wife to the ER - literally only 5 minutes away for HIM and C.
This last time C. had just gotten out of a 3 day stay at the hospital. Her left arm was black all the way from the shoulder down and was causing her great pain. She said they told her that she had a near heart attack? She wants me to come stay with her, and if there was any way I could do it, I'd already be there. Unfortunately, my lack of transportation is a major handicap, and worse yet, I have been having trouble with a sciatica flare-up. The pain is sometimes so bad that it makes me want to cry. I never can predict when I may have an episode involving days of severe pain when all I can do is sit in my recliner because it hurts so bad I can't even stand. I can't commit to being there for my friend when I'm not even sure I can be there for myself.
My friend has a son who lives 1500 miles away in Wisconsin. I'm pretty sure that she does not let on to him how bad things have gotten for her. C. is European and very old school. She won't admit to needing help - it took her forever before she spoke frankly to me about what's going on.
I've thought of calling the local social services office to see if they might send someone out to evaluate her situation. I know she'd be furious with me if they told her I was the one who called and worse, she'd just put on all her tough girl persona and tell them thru gritted teeth that she is fine.
If I had his phone number, I'd call her son and clue him in on what's going on. But I don't know how to get his number without C. realizing what I was up to.
I don't believe in interfering with other's lives, yet I'm so worried C. might not make it thru without some serious round the clock help.
Please, I need some suggestions if anyone has any. I thank you with all my heart.
Do you know her son's last name? You said he is in Wisconsin, do you know what town/city he is in? If you knew that, then do a Google search.
You could even do a Google search on her as they will give you a lot of info, but you do have to pay. But not a lot. I've done it before myself looking for one of my kids.
This week near where I live, there was a horrible incident where husband beat wife to death and hid her body. They were both from Europe area, she had a job and her friends there urged her to leave as he beat her often. But she always refused.
I'm telling you this because of what you said about your friend's husband.
People tend to be very resistant to help, the woman here that was murdered turned down every offer of help. So my suggestion is to forget how your friend will react when she finds out it was you who called for help. And when you do call for help, be sure they know the attitude they may encounter. It won't be "new" to them.
My friend, "C" is in her early 70's. When I first met her some years back, she was working full time, just as sharp as a person can be, and had a great sense of humor along with a very kind heart. Unfortunately, about 7 years ago her health began to rapidly deteriorate. It was just one thing after another - problems with her pancreas and digestion; CPD; increasing weakness and other unpleasant symptoms. We live in a very small town, and the health care system around here is more a joke than it is something to trust you well being, never mind your life to.
I begged her to go to Denver where there is outstanding medical care available, and I even told her that I'd drive her there and that I would stay with her the entire time. She wouldn't even consider it.
What's left of her health seems to be quickly deserting her. She called me a few days ago to ask if I would mind picking up a prescription and a little soup for her. Of course, I said yes. When I got to her house, I was stunned to see how much she has aged in the few short weeks since I saw her last (we normally stay in touch by phone). She is too weak to do housework, so I tidied up the kitchen and living room for her.
She is married to a man I happened to know before she ever met him. This guy is worse than having no one. He could have picked up her prescriptions for her easily - I live 10 miles south of town and don't have a car, so it's not always easy for me to come help - as concerned as I am. Once C. called me to take her to the ER because hubby couldn't be bothered to get off his fat rear end and drive his desperately ill wife to the ER - literally only 5 minutes away for HIM and C.
This last time C. had just gotten out of a 3 day stay at the hospital. Her left arm was black all the way from the shoulder down and was causing her great pain. She said they told her that she had a near heart attack? She wants me to come stay with her, and if there was any way I could do it, I'd already be there. Unfortunately, my lack of transportation is a major handicap, and worse yet, I have been having trouble with a sciatica flare-up. The pain is sometimes so bad that it makes me want to cry. I never can predict when I may have an episode involving days of severe pain when all I can do is sit in my recliner because it hurts so bad I can't even stand. I can't commit to being there for my friend when I'm not even sure I can be there for myself.
My friend has a son who lives 1500 miles away in Wisconsin. I'm pretty sure that she does not let on to him how bad things have gotten for her. C. is European and very old school. She won't admit to needing help - it took her forever before she spoke frankly to me about what's going on.
I've thought of calling the local social services office to see if they might send someone out to evaluate her situation. I know she'd be furious with me if they told her I was the one who called and worse, she'd just put on all her tough girl persona and tell them thru gritted teeth that she is fine.
If I had his phone number, I'd call her son and clue him in on what's going on. But I don't know how to get his number without C. realizing what I was up to.
I don't believe in interfering with other's lives, yet I'm so worried C. might not make it thru without some serious round the clock help.
Please, I need some suggestions if anyone has any. I thank you with all my heart.
I am an R.N. primary care case manager and from time to time I have concerns about a home situation that may not be conducive to safety and wellbeing of a patient. What I do in this situation is call the local police in the town where the patient lives and request they do a home safety check and give them the reasons why I am requesting this. The police do not inform the patient who requested the safety check, and in the situation with your friend since she was recently in the hospital she may think the safety check was requested by a concerned hospital healthcare provider she had contact with or her own doctor. If the police during the check identify cause for safety concerns they will contact the Department of Elderly Affairs who will further assess the situation, contact family if that is indicated, and will initiate putting resources in the home to provide what assistance is needed until the person's health improves. In situations where health and safety further declines sometimes nursing home placement will follow but that happens mostly with patients who are living alone and have cognitive as well as physical health issues.
Your friend is afraid to go to Denver because she fears involuntary institutionalization. She doesn't want any government snooper around and would almost certainly rather die than go to the "facility." Help her as you can, but don't try to take her freedom from her.
Your friend is afraid to go to Denver because she fears involuntary institutionalization. She doesn't want any government snooper around and would almost certainly rather die than go to the "facility." Help her as you can, but don't try to take her freedom from her.
You obviously have no clue of the difficult process involved that leads to involuntary institutional placement. From my experience of 40 years working in the nursing profession it should happen more than it does!!! If you think living at home is a better choice for some seniors who can't care for themselves and have nobody else who can help, who are incontinent, and end up as a result with painful sometimes maggot infested pressure ulcers which I have seen on a number of occasions is a better option than living in an environment where you are kept clean, fed, and your health needs are taken care of I would not consider the alternative you suggest exactly a life of freedom. Most patients that I have taken care of that end up in the situation I described eventually beg to be placed in a nursing home because that "free" life they are living is painful and difficult.
Nightengale is right but you may face a reaction you're not prepared for. Some people just do not want any outside interference at all. Once the state gets involved, they can force the issue. I mean they have the authority to make a change in living situation or bring in medical personnel to keep the patient safe and cared for. Especially if the woman is not safe and being cared for considering her condition.
It would be far better to have her agree to hiring some nursing aids to help her in her home. Once you start relying on friends and neighbors, it can get difficult for all involved. Just speaking from experience with my Mom who lived alone,and used her neighbors. We eventually had to hire nursing aids to help her at home.
Do you know her son's last name? You said he is in Wisconsin, do you know what town/city he is in? If you knew that, then do a Google search.
You could even do a Google search on her as they will give you a lot of info, but you do have to pay. But not a lot. I've done it before myself looking for one of my kids.
This week near where I live, there was a horrible incident where husband beat wife to death and hid her body. They were both from Europe area, she had a job and her friends there urged her to leave as he beat her often. But she always refused.
I'm telling you this because of what you said about your friend's husband.
People tend to be very resistant to help, the woman here that was murdered turned down every offer of help. So my suggestion is to forget how your friend will react when she finds out it was you who called for help. And when you do call for help, be sure they know the attitude they may encounter. It won't be "new" to them.
Good luck and please let us know how it goes.
Thanks for the suggestions, Sweetie. My friend has a hyphenated last name. One name is her second husband's last name. I don't know if she held on to her first husband's last name or her own maiden name for the other part. I'm thinking probably it's her maiden name, since women in Germany and Switzerland often hold on to their maiden names even after marriage.
Your reply got me to thinking, however. C.'s first husband died here in town which means he would have been listed along with any survivors on the local funeral home's web page and possibly in the local paper, as well. I know the town undertaker and I'm pretty certain he knows C. Maybe if I give him the low down on what's going on, he'll let me have the son's name. It's a matter of public record, anyhow.
The idea of doing a Google search and then paying the fee to get the sons info - telephone and address - is also a good one. I did that when I needed to track down my ex-husband because I needed his signature on some court papers. It was pretty cheap as I recall.
There's very little doubt in my mind that my friend would be much better off in some sort of assisted living situation. Her hubby would be better off living in the town park and sleeping under a picnic table. Everything is all about him and he "requires being waited on hand and foot even if my friend has to crawl to bring him his coffee.
I simply can't imagine putting up with such treatment. I'd have gotten rid of that loser years ago, but love is blind and/or a serious case of insanity sometimes.
I know C. will be upset with me for contacting her son, but I just can't sit by and watch as she literally dies before my eyes. I'd rather lose a friendship than lose my friend if you know what I mean.
I am an R.N. primary care case manager and from time to time I have concerns about a home situation that may not be conducive to safety and wellbeing of a patient. What I do in this situation is call the local police in the town where the patient lives and request they do a home safety check and give them the reasons why I am requesting this. The police do not inform the patient who requested the safety check, and in the situation with your friend since she was recently in the hospital she may think the safety check was requested by a concerned hospital healthcare provider she had contact with or her own doctor. If the police during the check identify cause for safety concerns they will contact the Department of Elderly Affairs who will further assess the situation, contact family if that is indicated, and will initiate putting resources in the home to provide what assistance is needed until the person's health improves. In situations where health and safety further declines sometimes nursing home placement will follow but that happens mostly with patients who are living alone and have cognitive as well as physical health issues.
Many thanks for giving your professional experience in regard to my question. I had thought of calling the local police and requesting that they do a welfare check on C. and her husband, but I wasn't sure how it worked. I know the both of them will fight like tigers at the merest suggestion of outside help. C. told me that when the doctor released her from her latest hospital stay that he recommended that she get a health care provider to come in and help her several days a week. C. refused because she doesn't like the idea of some stranger coming to her home. I can sort of understand that, but only up to a point. Sometimes you just need help and there's no shame in that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Happy in Wyoming
Your friend is afraid to go to Denver because she fears involuntary institutionalization. She doesn't want any government snooper around and would almost certainly rather die than go to the "facility." Help her as you can, but don't try to take her freedom from her.
I would NEVER ever try to get my friend institutionalized. Even if I wanted to, the paper work, legal fees, and court hearings would be overwhelming and as a non-relative, I'd have no say in such a manner, anyhow. I became my Dad's conservator and guardian at the end of his life because his cognition was so impaired. Believe me, the hospital or nursing home is going to bury you under an avalanche of paperwork even if you're a close family member.
I wanted to take my friend to one of the very best treatment centers in the Rocky Mountain area - the University of Colorado's University Hospital Center in Denver. University Hospital literally saved my life 30 years ago and more recently their specialists finally gave me a diagnosis for a condition that left every other doctor I consulted baffled. If you are a Colorado resident and lack the health insurance and/or cash to pay for treatment, they will treat you anyhow. Their specialists are some of the best in the country. They are interested in diagnoses and treatment, NOT institutionalization.
Since you are relatively close living in Wyoming, I urge you to check them out should (God forbid) you ever need their services. You will be pleasantly surprised, believe me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AZgarden
Nightengale is right but you may face a reaction you're not prepared for. Some people just do not want any outside interference at all. Once the state gets involved, they can force the issue. I mean they have the authority to make a change in living situation or bring in medical personnel to keep the patient safe and cared for. Especially if the woman is not safe and being cared for considering her condition.
It would be far better to have her agree to hiring some nursing aids to help her in her home. Once you start relying on friends and neighbors, it can get difficult for all involved. Just speaking from experience with my Mom who lived alone,and used her neighbors. We eventually had to hire nursing aids to help her at home.
IMO, nursing aids would be the best solution. The problem is getting her to accept them. I also don't know if her insurance would cover such a service. I think my best bet (and hers) would be to get the son involved. Perhaps he can talk some sense into her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crashj007
You are in an unhelpful thread. Try to post a shorter call for suggestions over in Caregivers. People there deal with this on a daily basis.
I wouldn't call this thread "unhelpful." I've gotten some good suggestions here. Also, isn't there a rule about cross-posting to different forums?
I'm not really my friend's "caregiver." I simply step in as I can and wish I could do more. Many thanks to all for your replies. I'll let you know how this all works out.
Yes you need to call Social Services asap. He may be poisoning her. For someone to refuse to take their own wife to the ER who desperately needs medical care is a dangerous person. They need to be separated, there is some funny business going on here. Find out her sons name and where he lives, then use intellius, white pages, thatsthem websites to google his number. Send him an anonymous letter saying how horrid she looks and how she appears she will die soon. She's deteriorating quickly. Good luck! If she dies, you will likely live with it which is worse than your fear of C. finding out. Blessings to you, I'll say a prayer
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