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Old 01-15-2018, 07:46 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,581 posts, read 17,567,761 times
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We're starting down this road in my family now and it's definitely frightening.

Grandmother is going through a knee replacement early next month. Personally, I don't think she has it in her to go through all the rehabilitation, and she has required more care and help over the past year or so. Aunt and I already get the groceries, take her to most appointments, I keep the lawn up, etc. If it wasn't for the care provided by family, she'd already be out of her home.

In her case, no, I don't think it's realistic. I have no idea how much her and my grandfather have in assets, but neither had great jobs (always frugal though). I doubt there is anywhere near a level of assets to hire round the clock or nearly so in-home care. It's a tri-level house (bathrooms and bedrooms on upper level, kitchen/living room on main, laundry in basement) that is small and not that adaptable for someone with mobility issues. It's about fifteen minutes away from a grocery store of any kind. A McDonald's and local pizza place are about five minutes away. There's no way for her to get back "to town" without a car.

These kind of preparations need to be in place before there is a need, and many people will kick the can down the road and will try to do something on an emergency basis.
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Old 01-15-2018, 11:51 AM
 
Location: Stephenville, Texas
954 posts, read 1,443,381 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Clemencia53 View Post
People used to do this all the time. But back in the day it was family that took care of them - usually the daughters.

Should work out, why not?

But if you get really ill and have lots of doctor appointments, it can be a pain to transport back and forth. My mom used to have to be taken in a stretcher to some of her appointments. We lived about an hour from the medical care she needed at the time.
Many people do this now, NOT ALWAYS the daughters!
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Old 01-15-2018, 11:54 AM
 
Location: Stephenville, Texas
954 posts, read 1,443,381 times
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Originally Posted by hellob View Post
$100/wk for 24 hour care is slave labor and she should have been ashamed to do that to anyone.
Course it's ok for a child or other family member to give up a career and social life to take care of them for slave wages! Some of us do it.
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Old 01-15-2018, 12:35 PM
 
3,531 posts, read 1,775,564 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Backintheville2 View Post
Course it's ok for a child or other family member to give up a career and social life to take care of them for slave wages! Some of us do it.
No, I did that for my grandma and it was the biggest mistake of my life. Since then, I've heard stories of so many family caregivers who are in dire straits bc of that decision.
I regret it so much. I have to bust my butt just to be sure I won't be homeless and eating cat food in old age.
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Old 01-15-2018, 01:29 PM
 
1,040 posts, read 485,290 times
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The recurring phrase I see on this thread is "to prepare". If someone could clearly define that it would be helpful.
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Old 01-15-2018, 02:06 PM
 
13,912 posts, read 7,405,593 times
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Originally Posted by FREE866 View Post
The recurring phrase I see on this thread is "to prepare". If someone could clearly define that it would be helpful.
You can't prepare since there is an enormous list of possibilities. You could get into a car accident tomorrow and be a quadriplegic for life. Or contract early onset dementia. The reality is that most people don't land in assisted living, memory care lockdowns, or nursing homes for an extended period of time. Whatever you prepare for is unlikely to be the hand life deals you. The more wealth you accrue, the more options you have when things do happen.
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Old 01-15-2018, 03:30 PM
 
3,531 posts, read 1,775,564 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FREE866 View Post
The recurring phrase I see on this thread is "to prepare". If someone could clearly define that it would be helpful.
If you're in the "too much money for assistance but too poor for private pay" then the best thing to do is go to an elder attorney at least 5 years before you anticipate needing help. They can help you to plan by either getting rid of assets or shielding them via a trust.
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Old 01-15-2018, 05:36 PM
 
10,604 posts, read 14,202,393 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FREE866 View Post
The recurring phrase I see on this thread is "to prepare". If someone could clearly define that it would be helpful.
PREPARE:
  • Live like you have nobody in the world to help you, and potentially not the taxpayer, either. Don't blame other people for your life. Be a self-starter. Don't procrastinate OR make rash drastic decisions, either. BALANCE
  • No drugs, no booze - NO addictions
  • Don't drop out of school, learn a trade or find an occupation. Work hard at it whatever it is. Don't lie to yourself that you're "working so hard" when it's obvious you're not.
  • Make positive pro-active intentional choices that benefit you for life
  • Don't make emotional life choices such as dumb marriages/relationships, having kids you can't afford or humoring and being a sap to deadbeat family members who didn't do any of these things in this post
  • Don't see/live life through histrionic, chaotic, emotional lenses. If you do, fix it.
  • Ignore people who are a-holes and decide to consciously stop your ego from wanting to "win" until it's second nature.
  • Live below your means
  • No debt (perhaps a mortgage...ONLY IT'S FINANCIALLY LOGICAL and not challenging to maintain)
  • I suggest planning for a CCRC once age >55+ - one that's been established for decades
  • Network with groups and resources that will benefit and educate you
  • Admit there is rarely a free ride and that you either pay financially or emotionally/intellectually
  • Educate yourself on:
  • money management
  • all the permutations of scenarios that may happen to you (disease, accident, etc)
  • what various insurances do or don't pay for
  • what the government (federal and state and your county) roles are
  • worst case scenarios if you can't physically/mentally take care of yourself
  • the terms: Assisted Living, Memory Care, Skilled Nursing, Rehab, In-Home care
  • your options should you need help and have nobody. Advance Directives, POAs etc.
  • Work and live by a disciplined budget including a good percentage for long term and short term savings that you don't keep pilfering
  • Work and include healthcare in your budget even if this means taking a job just for benefits
  • Work and include Long Term Care Insurance in your budget before choosing to spend $300 /mo on a car or refusing to have [the dreaded] roommate scenario or one extra bathroom for no reason
  • how to do things if you're financially modest. Don't buy pickles, make them.
  • maintain your dental with regular cleanings and doing proper hygiene at least once per day
  • How the body works. Eat only nutrient dense real food. Not too much. Educate yourself about food. Consciously allocate time to food shopping, prepping and eating.
  • Don't destroy your body and if you have, just stop eating crap and reverse it. (you've likely been doing this since childhood, just FYI)
Eat GBOMBS: Greens, Beans, Onions, Mushrooms, Berries and Seeds
  • 1-2 lbs dark leafy greens and vegetables per day half of them cooked-half of them raw (eaten at the same time), 1 Cup of beans, 1 oz nuts & seeds eaten with the vegetables, onions and lightly steamed mushrooms daily, some fruit preferably berries. THE SALADS ARE THE MAIN MEAL, NOT A SIDE DISH.
  • Eat/rotate a variety of greens and as many colors of vegetables as you can find
  • NO OILS AT ALL. Completely cut out added sugar or fake sugars, oils, added sodium. Obviously no soda, juice etc.
  • NO fast food or processed foods whatsover, no dairy, no animal products or very little, like 2x week 3 oz. Fill in a little whole grain into your GBOMBS but don't go crazy!
  • Chew your food.
  • Try and go overnight for 12 hours to let your body process what you've eaten. A.K.A. "break fast"
  • Walk around the neighborhood every day.
  • Educate yourself on bloodwork and bone density and have it done routinely until your labs are outstanding. Be particularly concerned with your Omega 6 to Omega 3 ratios and have them tested. Goal should be no more than 3:1 and some say 1:1 is better. Eat a tablespoon of flaxseed meal NOT OIL...every day for the Omega 3. Maybe some chia seeds. The Standard American Diet [Modern Western diets] exhibit omega-6 to omega-3 ratios ranging between 15:1 to 17:1. This is how even children have cardio-vascular issues and vegans have heart attacks from chowing down on the breads, oils, fats, and processed crap completely out of whack.
  • Check your own blood glucose and blood pressure at home as needed.
  • Watch your stress
  • You can track your nutrition, weight and vital data on Cronometer.
OK gotta stop there, time to eat my pound of salad now. After you master this list I have more if you want.

Last edited by runswithscissors; 01-15-2018 at 06:26 PM..
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Old 01-15-2018, 09:42 PM
 
Location: Georgia
4,562 posts, read 4,095,369 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FREE866 View Post
This is an interesting thread and thank you for all the posts.
My mom is single and lives alone in house I grew up in. She definitely loves her solitude, but her mobility is declining. She can still walk, drive and get around, but who knows what the future holds. She's 79 next month. We have visited a couple of assisted living places and the cost is just insane. Our plan is to, as others have said, get home care when she will need help with basic errands.
Not to be a wet dishrag, but I am shocked at the decline of my mother in the last five years, between ages 79 and 84. At 79, my mother was active, both mentally, physically and socially. She took care of herself and her home (with a bi-monthly cleaning crew for the heavy stuff), drove to shopping, lunches, theater, church. At 81, she had a crazy little accident where leg popped out of its artificial hip (10+ years old). That one trigger started a cascade of unexpected health issues to the point where now, she is in a wheelchair and has declining memory issues, recurring UTIs, and other issues such as time and date distortion, etc. I cannot emphasize this enough -- the difference between my mother now and 5 years ago is day and night.

I hope that this will not be the case with your mother, but at 79, I certainly didn't envision us dealing with the issues that we are dealing with right now. We went through the occasional home care, to more regular home care, and frankly, by the time we got to the point where she needed 24-hr. round the clock care, the ALF was cheaper than home care. My brother even took the extreme measure of moving himself and his family to my mom's house for an entire summer (left their house to their college-age kids for the summer) to try to give her a chance to recover and be able to evaluate her ability to live on her own. Then they moved back to their home and Mom had caregivers -- but regardless, caregivers have their own lives, too, and something was always coming up to 'work around'. When I finally put my foot down and insisted that we investigate ALF, I told my brother that it was as much for his own sanity as it was for mom's safety. He was getting phone calls at 2 am from Mom to remind him that she had a hair appointment, and he was there every day for 2-3 hours, while also having a full-time job, an active family and a strong volunteer commitment to an organization he's worked with for 15 years. (I live 500 miles away -- she adamantly refused to move near me, and away from her friends.) At one point, she was flying down to stay with me every 6 to 8 weeks to give my brother a break, or I was flying up there. The last time she visited, I called my brother and said, "This isn't working,", because I work 50-60 hrs. a week as a real estate agent, my husband has a demanding job, our house layout was not conducive to her safety, and we had no caregiver backup, so he and I would split our days depending on our meetings, etc. to make sure she was never alone more than an hour at a time -- and even then, it was like babysitting a toddler who would pretty much do whatever popped into their heads, plus due to her sleeping patterns, I was exhausted, too. :-)

I guess the moral of the story is: Don't think that some nice person working 5-15 hours a week running her to her hairdresser and the supermarket is going to cut it if your mother starts experiencing health challenges.
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Old 01-16-2018, 06:08 AM
 
1,040 posts, read 485,290 times
Reputation: 1435
Quote:
Originally Posted by dblackga View Post
Not to be a wet dishrag, but I am shocked at the decline of my mother in the last five years, between ages 79 and 84. At 79, my mother was active, both mentally, physically and socially. She took care of herself and her home (with a bi-monthly cleaning crew for the heavy stuff), drove to shopping, lunches, theater, church. At 81, she had a crazy little accident where leg popped out of its artificial hip (10+ years old). That one trigger started a cascade of unexpected health issues to the point where now, she is in a wheelchair and has declining memory issues, recurring UTIs, and other issues such as time and date distortion, etc. I cannot emphasize this enough -- the difference between my mother now and 5 years ago is day and night.

I hope that this will not be the case with your mother, but at 79, I certainly didn't envision us dealing with the issues that we are dealing with right now. We went through the occasional home care, to more regular home care, and frankly, by the time we got to the point where she needed 24-hr. round the clock care, the ALF was cheaper than home care. My brother even took the extreme measure of moving himself and his family to my mom's house for an entire summer (left their house to their college-age kids for the summer) to try to give her a chance to recover and be able to evaluate her ability to live on her own. Then they moved back to their home and Mom had caregivers -- but regardless, caregivers have their own lives, too, and something was always coming up to 'work around'. When I finally put my foot down and insisted that we investigate ALF, I told my brother that it was as much for his own sanity as it was for mom's safety. He was getting phone calls at 2 am from Mom to remind him that she had a hair appointment, and he was there every day for 2-3 hours, while also having a full-time job, an active family and a strong volunteer commitment to an organization he's worked with for 15 years. (I live 500 miles away -- she adamantly refused to move near me, and away from her friends.) At one point, she was flying down to stay with me every 6 to 8 weeks to give my brother a break, or I was flying up there. The last time she visited, I called my brother and said, "This isn't working,", because I work 50-60 hrs. a week as a real estate agent, my husband has a demanding job, our house layout was not conducive to her safety, and we had no caregiver backup, so he and I would split our days depending on our meetings, etc. to make sure she was never alone more than an hour at a time -- and even then, it was like babysitting a toddler who would pretty much do whatever popped into their heads, plus due to her sleeping patterns, I was exhausted, too. :-)

I guess the moral of the story is: Don't think that some nice person working 5-15 hours a week running her to her hairdresser and the supermarket is going to cut it if your mother starts experiencing health challenges.

You're not being a wet dishrag at all. You're giving your experience, which I appreciate. Going to research some places today. It's tough situation though because as of today she is fine.
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