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Old 02-11-2018, 08:37 PM
 
Location: Florida Baby!
5,266 posts, read 677,646 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by connie1899 View Post
Any suggestions for handling the individual that repeats themselves (same story, word for word) each time you see them (which could be daily). (We have a tenant that sits out front in the lobby all day, so if you go to get your mail, you're a target). Oddly, the first few words she utters are.... "Did I tell you.... "
My guess is that the individual is lonely and is seeking attention. There could be some cognitive debilitation as well. I myself (at 66) don't always remember what I said to whom so yeah, I repeat myself a lot too.
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Old 02-11-2018, 08:40 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,547 posts, read 17,607,925 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Clemencia53 View Post
When someone says you "should" that isn't an order to do something. It's more of a suggestion.

i doubt anyone would force you to do anything you don't want to do.
Well, the only reason I went was they said I had to. I didn't 'socialize' enough. I just hadn't socialized with the people around me, at the apartment. They were boring. I talked to friends on the phone a lot. Talking to boring people who share no interests does nothing except make sure you ignore them from now on.

The area was also very smoggy, and I'd rather be at home rather than sitting waiting for a bus in the smog.

They just didn't get it that I didn't get any of the good vibes they expected, and made it more a certainty I wouldn't be back.

If they had 'groups' who got together and were based on some activity, sure, I'd try it but just be be there... but what I had to say was no more of interest to them then they were to me.
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Old 02-12-2018, 11:32 AM
 
10,440 posts, read 9,432,360 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe View Post
I'm in my 3rd 55+ building, and I'm never moving again. What I learned, though, is to socialize somewhere else. And to not get involved in any social activities where I live.

As to getting away from old people who want to talk your face off - the most effective way to get away, that they'll totally understand and accept - is to interrupt them and say, "I'm so sorry to interrupt but I really need to go to the bathroom!"

Learned this from someone in the 1st senior building I lived in LOL. Works like a charm. They never question you about bladder issues in old age. And it doesn't have to be true :-)

Subsidized buildings, at least in CA, are required to have a social worker who comes and creates activities. They get points somehow if they get more residents to participate. So, they'll leave notes and try to get you to join in. I simply don't. I just always say, "I'm sorry, I have another commitment." Which is just me committing to myself not to get involved in my building.

The people who design these "community" apartments have some weird notion that just because there are 50 seniors in a building over 55 years old, that they will all get along famously just because they're all old. That's so nuts. And what you really have are 50 people with nothing else to do all day but act like they're in high school as far as the same old same old group politics and dynamics. There will be the bullies and the needy people (who want favors or rides or cigarettes, or to "borrow" things), the busy bodies, etc., etc., etc. It's just crazy to expect a bunch of adults who don't know each other from Adam, with different backgrounds and interests and political views, etc., to all be BFFs. Yeesh.

I want my home to be my peaceful cave. I don't want people knocking on my door I'm not expecting. I don't answer it if they do. I don't want to get involved in the building gossip or hysteria over whatever is this week's drama.

That said, at least in CA, the buildings themselves have been for the most part safe and decently maintained. But, they're all full of drama if you make yourself available to it. Since i don't, my home is finally my peaceful cave. Glad I learned all of this before I moved here.
OP, you've learned a great deal about living in a 55+ community and setting boundaries for your socializing preferences.

I particularly like what you wrote about 'commitments'.

My current apartment complex is not age-restricted; however, we have many seniors and I began attending the monthly 'coffee' get together. If you don't show up the phone calls and 'door' knocking commence wanting to know why you weren't there, and asking don't you like us anymore?

Now they've chosen to meet weekly and I've chosen not to - they've finally figured out that I 'come and go' at will and let it go at that, thankfully.
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Old 02-12-2018, 05:26 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,547 posts, read 17,607,925 times
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After living in the apartment I had moved into which was supposed to be for 50ish plus, I moved out of the state to a small town in Oklahoma. My house is not much bigger than the apartment, but its mine. Nobody knocks on the door to see how I'm doing. I'm on a respectable but nonbuddy conversation level with the neighbors. We can both be annoyed the trash pickup people forgot our street again. But I don't try to get close.

My apartment started out okay, and the office had doughnuts of Friday. There was a small show of a get together. But it got sold and the idea was to make it condos, which proved impossible after the new owners had bought it, so it went down hill pretty fast. The area was full of tweekers and they'd just come in the access door since it wasn't locked anymore. It was definately a place to get away from, but even if it had been better and they actually wanted people to 'socialize', I really hate that kind of thing. If I feel like going fine, but my best thing was to bring a large crochet project, take a seat and crochet for an hour then go home. People did notice the project, but I didn't say much.

But the county lady came to my door, concerned I didn't 'get out' much. No idea who suggested it. I said I went to the store and such, but didn't really know many people. She could find no reason she had to come back. It remained annoying though. It was a blessing to get away from the mess.

The thing I love in my little house in OK is that I do know my neighbors. We jointly complain about how the city trash pickup people seem to miss our street a lot. And there's the weather. But we keep it at civil conversation and don't bother each other. All of this is fine with me.

A woman showed up at my door from the county, I think. She asked if there was anything she could help with. I said a way to get to the grocery store. That was about it. She tried suggestions but figured out I was okay. No lectures or suggestions... Nobody has bothered me since.

I've heard of 'senior living' places where if you don't want to be social, they pester you until you start 'attending'. Geesh, I'd be packed up and ready to go in a week. It makes me wonder why we don't have such places based on an activity or cultural thing those who live there enjoy. Maybe it could be music, and those who play could teach those who don't but always wanted to. Something like that would actually be enriching and fun, and would help make meaningful connections.

And places with very specific themes....My ideal would be a complex for science fiction fans, especially those who attend conventions and other social things around our main enjoyment. They could have filk parties. (Filk is the science fiction version of folk music). We could wear our favorite convention outfits and watch movies which are considered sf classics. But most of all the people would be LIKE you.

I suppose for some, the average 55 plus community has people who at least share your generation, but there's a lot of subcultures which spun off and maybe they could get together again and meet each others friends.

That is one kind of place I'd buy into. But generally I'd rather a place see me as kinda odd and maybe a little out of place and just ignore me and maybe I'd find the other 'others'. Personally, I'm not big on just 'going out' to be going out. And if I knew people who really clicked with me, just simple entertainment would do. Its the people which would make it better.

Why do some think that you get to be 64, and you somehow mutate into this bland thing which is quiet and inoffensive and does as told? Why not ask those who its supposed to be FOR what sorts of sharing they'd like? Are they afraid it would not fit the assumed 'mold'?

Last edited by nightbird47; 02-12-2018 at 05:41 PM..
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Old 02-13-2018, 08:39 AM
 
10,440 posts, read 9,432,360 times
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As I wrote, my complex is not age-restricted but we do have a lot of seniors living here. There are some that don't participate in the weekly get together in the clubhouse and no one questions it.

For me, once I started attending that opened the door for the twenty questions as to why I'm not there every week; why I don't attend the weekly Bunco party; why I don't attend the monthly book club; and why I don't participate in the pot lucks. If I'd never showed up in the beginning those questions would not be at my door.

Have no idea why those who want to be at every gathering believe it's their role in life to go on the hunt to find others to join in, and/or pester anyone who chooses to stay away.
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Old 02-13-2018, 10:19 AM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
5,877 posts, read 4,889,275 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nightbird47 View Post
I've heard of 'senior living' places where if you don't want to be social, they pester you until you start 'attending'. Geesh, I'd be packed up and ready to go in a week. It makes me wonder why we don't have such places based on an activity or cultural thing those who live there enjoy. Maybe it could be music, and those who play could teach those who don't but always wanted to. Something like that would actually be enriching and fun, and would help make meaningful connections.

And places with very specific themes....My ideal would be a complex for science fiction fans, especially those who attend conventions and other social things around our main enjoyment. They could have filk parties. (Filk is the science fiction version of folk music). We could wear our favorite convention outfits and watch movies which are considered sf classics. But most of all the people would be LIKE you.

I suppose for some, the average 55 plus community has people who at least share your generation, but there's a lot of subcultures which spun off and maybe they could get together again and meet each others friends.

That is one kind of place I'd buy into. But generally I'd rather a place see me as kinda odd and maybe a little out of place and just ignore me and maybe I'd find the other 'others'. Personally, I'm not big on just 'going out' to be going out. And if I knew people who really clicked with me, just simple entertainment would do. Its the people which would make it better.

Why do some think that you get to be 64, and you somehow mutate into this bland thing which is quiet and inoffensive and does as told? Why not ask those who its supposed to be FOR what sorts of sharing they'd like? Are they afraid it would not fit the assumed 'mold'?
I like the idea of the "Margaritaville" senior community in Daytona, That's a theme I could enjoy! Just kicking back in a beach vibe with other mellow, rock n' roll baby boomers. The actual place is single family homes that aren't that cheap, but a similar condo type community, with more modest amenities, would be cool.
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Old 02-13-2018, 02:27 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,547 posts, read 17,607,925 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katie45 View Post
As I wrote, my complex is not age-restricted but we do have a lot of seniors living here. There are some that don't participate in the weekly get together in the clubhouse and no one questions it.

For me, once I started attending that opened the door for the twenty questions as to why I'm not there every week; why I don't attend the weekly Bunco party; why I don't attend the monthly book club; and why I don't participate in the pot lucks. If I'd never showed up in the beginning those questions would not be at my door.

Have no idea why those who want to be at every gathering believe it's their role in life to go on the hunt to find others to join in, and/or pester anyone who chooses to stay away.
The place I moved into, back in California, had a discount for over 55. Most of the residents were in their 60's, but younger people were moving in. They sent someone to my door to invite me to the social thing that afternoon. I figured why not. They had free coffee and decent munchies. I had my writing notebook with me since it went everywhere.

I ended up talking to a few people who were older than me. They asked about the notebook. I said I kept it with me to jot down ideas. I was writing a novel. Maybe I should have left it at that, but they did ask.... I said it is an alternate history set in the Star Trek universe where the Federation loses the war with the Dominion, and the future life of both established characters and my own set is changed forever. They, errrr , looked a bit lost.

Ask someone who loves writing and you do get an answer.

They exchanged a bit more nondescript talk and said it was nice talking. The coffee was gone and the munchies were going. I had a cookie and went home. I didn't go again. My writing friends could occupy hours of talking and chatting online, and it would be meaningful about our passion. Considering the story is both dark and realistic, and some of our cherished characters are not so nice anymore, a few people thought it 'too dark'. But I like going to dark realistic places. If someone else doesn't, no problem. I just want my story to be believable under that kind of circumstances.

I went to this gathering as me. I carried my notebook when I took the bus somewhere, so I wouldn't miss an idea which popped in my mind. I did nothing different for ME. But I didn't feel like the place was really for me. It was early on that I started thinking about moving away, and getting a space where I might be comfortable and be left with space to be me, even if we aren't going to be friends.

The apartment and its social thing did show me that I wasn't going to 'fit in' to the ongoing normal, and here where I moved have just been me. I don't think most people get me, but that's fine. And as its not this little space of an apartment that is all I have, and my neighbors are nice but don't need to be friends, I think it has worked for nearly ten years.

I'm very much in introvert, and if I do let someone in, there is a very strong connection, but these are few and far apart and my wish would be to go back to the social place where more are like me. When/if things change, that is going to be why.
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Old 02-13-2018, 03:12 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,547 posts, read 17,607,925 times
Reputation: 16777
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheShadow View Post
I like the idea of the "Margaritaville" senior community in Daytona, That's a theme I could enjoy! Just kicking back in a beach vibe with other mellow, rock n' roll baby boomers. The actual place is single family homes that aren't that cheap, but a similar condo type community, with more modest amenities, would be cool.
That would be cool. Kicking back with that kind of vibe would make you feel welcome. There's a club I belong to (you can move but just not getting to Thursday night meetings doesn't mean you're not a LASFS member) which works like that. That Las Angeles Science Fiction Society, established in the thirties. Some of the members are more into movies, some books, some costuming, some filking, some a combination of that or more, but its all part of science fiction fandom, and people get along (at least in 'normal' terms). They put on a convention every year in Los Angeles which is awesome. The thing which makes it work so well is that everyone's got some part of the whole they love, and some they don't really care, but its a gathering of individuals who are share the whole and everyone can find someone else to share their fascinations too. All the club does is give them a place to gather and share and have a place to belong.

I'd love a retirement place where they had reasonable costs, so everyone can afford it, and has a variety of apartments/seperate housing/maybe even tiny houses. And the decor is fannish, with a big bookstore/library, and activities like LASFS to keep people happy and occupied. You'd even have people who like their convention clothes and wear them all the time. And the open and stimulating discussion/arguments/sharing of intense subjects like who did the best star trek, which alternate world are we living in, and so forth.

Isn't that what some of the 'developments' in a very mundane way try to do? Why shouldn't those who see a different place and reality have a place to go home to? I sure would.
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Old 02-17-2018, 01:03 PM
 
10,604 posts, read 14,258,013 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe View Post
I'm in my 3rd 55+ building, and I'm never moving again. What I learned, though, is to socialize somewhere else. And to not get involved in any social activities where I live.

As to getting away from old people who want to talk your face off - the most effective way to get away, that they'll totally understand and accept - is to interrupt them and say, "I'm so sorry to interrupt but I really need to go to the bathroom!"

Learned this from someone in the 1st senior building I lived in LOL. Works like a charm. They never question you about bladder issues in old age. And it doesn't have to be true :-)

Subsidized buildings, at least in CA, are required to have a social worker who comes and creates activities. They get points somehow if they get more residents to participate. So, they'll leave notes and try to get you to join in. I simply don't. I just always say, "I'm sorry, I have another commitment." Which is just me committing to myself not to get involved in my building.

The people who design these "community" apartments have some weird notion that just because there are 50 seniors in a building over 55 years old, that they will all get along famously just because they're all old. That's so nuts. And what you really have are 50 people with nothing else to do all day but act like they're in high school as far as the same old same old group politics and dynamics. There will be the bullies and the needy people (who want favors or rides or cigarettes, or to "borrow" things), the busy bodies, etc., etc., etc. It's just crazy to expect a bunch of adults who don't know each other from Adam, with different backgrounds and interests and political views, etc., to all be BFFs. Yeesh.

I want my home to be my peaceful cave. I don't want people knocking on my door I'm not expecting. I don't answer it if they do. I don't want to get involved in the building gossip or hysteria over whatever is this week's drama.

That said, at least in CA, the buildings themselves have been for the most part safe and decently maintained. But, they're all full of drama if you make yourself available to it. Since i don't, my home is finally my peaceful cave. Glad I learned all of this before I moved here.
They do that because it's a condition of their grant.
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Old 02-17-2018, 01:13 PM
 
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Originally Posted by connie1899 View Post
Gotta make this clear -

I (nor anyone else I know of) asked any of the "older" tenants to think up or be responsible for activities for the younger ones.

It isn't as simple as it appears; otherwise I wouldn't bother to solicit advice or insight.

Like I did say, the oldest tenants are being catered to, and there is a hierarchy of sorts. They also look down their noses and are snooty with newer tenants. Sometimes they at just plain - nasty.

Put these two together and it has caused a rift, or division and/or ill feelings.

Having all the activities geared toward one group hasn't help public relations.

The management office caters to the oldest tenants and gears their activities towards that group. I think now it's because they have another building for tenants that need assistance. They just had one of their reps from this particular building come out to sell their services. I don't know about your building, but if management here is offering to serve a scoop of ice cream there are lines of walkers out the door of the community room.

You didn't care to ask if I/we tried to form our own set of activities and if so, what happened.

Our genealogical meetings were cancelled continuously due to the office wanting to use the room/time for the older group's activities. We have been trying to "talk" with management but they aren't interested in feedback or be accommodating.

As far as taking an activity outside the building, most folks don't drive; there is no public place to hold meetings nearby.
My super duper E.S.P. skills tell me you're in a HUD subsidized location.

YES there is a hierarchy. BY LAW.

What's clear, as you said, is you didn't understand where you were moving. And still don't.

It's likely that the management is required to do certain activities because of the condition of the grant they received for being tax credited or subsidized.

The capital advances to finance the construction, rehabilitation or acquisition of the property.

In MOST 55+ not subsidized, the residents do THEIR OWN activities. Beginning to end.

In SOME 55+ not subsidized the management will sometimes organize activities.

In SOME 55+ there can be a mix of resident and management both organizing

In MANY 62+ subsidized, it's the same.

In SOME 62+, the management MUST do certain things, per the government regulations.

There are MANY different forms of these. A bunch of names. Like: Section 8 Substantial Rehabilitation (S8SR) Program.

Especially under Section 8/HUD Section 202 Supportive Housing for the Elderly program....For frail seniors. Sometimes it's a little as providing a meal per day, and someone available at "the desk" or a social worker type in an office some where. Other times, it's much more elaborate.

The Section 202 program helps expand the supply of affordable housing with supportive services for the elderly. It provides very low-income elderly with options that allow them to live independently but in an environment that provides support activities such as cleaning, cooking, transportation, etc. The program is similar to Supportive Housing for Persons with Disabilities (Section 811).

This is NOT "Assisted Living" which is another animal, which may or may not be the next level of "care" offered in a community that also offers Independent.

Sometimes Independent just means people can't need too much help and MUST be able to live alone safely. They can pay private for care as needed. IN HOME.

You live in a MIXED property. In SOME properties, ONE BUILDING Is 202 and the other isn't and never the twain shall meet.

You LIKELY all pay different rents, too. There are various tiers. Strict MATH. All in relation to your county's Area Median Income.

Move.

Funny you thought it was a big coincidence that they charge less than every other community in your county.

Google your own community and you'll get the whole story.

Especially if you type "low income senior housing + the name and city". You'll see YOURS and all the others around you.

To refine your search add the word "HUD" and the name + city if you can't find it.

Once you find the type of property you live in, you can go to the HUD website and get educated on it.

Perhaps your management company is really crappy if NOBODY IN THE WHOLE PLACE knows what's going on there LOL.

Last edited by runswithscissors; 02-17-2018 at 01:38 PM..
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