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Old 01-28-2018, 03:50 PM
Location: 49th parallel
2,598 posts, read 1,355,863 times
Reputation: 5395


Yes, OP, you have opened a huge sad vein in a lot of people. We all feel what you are feeling now, and in my case it is a bit embarrassing that I can still tear up when I think of my mother dying, since it has now been 18 years. But when they are dying right in front of you, that is something that is very difficult to get out of your mind. After all these years, it only happens when I am discouraged or sad just before going to sleep at night, so things do get better. Eventually. Please know that you are not alone in these thoughts and that many of your online friends are going through similar things. Solidarity, my friend.
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Old 01-28-2018, 03:55 PM
Location: Location: Happy Place
3,687 posts, read 1,863,297 times
Reputation: 11284
My mother passed in the middle of the night when she was in hospice care at a nursing home. She had been almost comatose for a couple of weeks. When I got the call (was staying with son) and got to her room, she had been taken to the funeral home, but her pillow was still warm. I was maybe five minutes away. I kept that pillow for years.

Did not get to say good-by to either mom or dad, but knew they were not long.

I really, really hate being an orphan. I miss my mom so much, she was my best friend. I have no one to call now except my son.

Hardest thing I've ever had to endure.
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Old 01-28-2018, 04:22 PM
Location: Somewhere in deep in Maine
3,658 posts, read 2,807,585 times
Reputation: 4436
You have my sympathy, but you also have my envy. My parents, siblings and children disowned my family about 8 years before they died over an inheritance, and I was not permitted ti have any involvement in their passing.
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Old 01-28-2018, 04:25 PM
Location: Wisconsin
17,005 posts, read 17,320,800 times
Reputation: 41259
I am sorry for the losses endured by everyone on this thread.

My husband died six weeks ago, while he had several health issues his death was completely unexpected. Hubby had pneumonia, as he had a few other times in the past, but very suddenly took a turn for the worse. When I asked for a possible timetable, to see if our son had time to fly the 2,000 miles home to see his dad, the doctor said that "there was absolutely no way that he could make it in time". Hubby was semi-conscious but responded to my voice and touch.

Armed with the knowledge of his imminent death, I started making calls. In the few hours before my husband died, both of our adult children (one 2,000 miles away and one 6,500 miles away) and both of my husband's siblings were able to speak to him and say their goodbyes. I let each person speak as long as they desired as I held my cell phone to Hubby's ear. Some calls were a few minutes and others much, much longer. It was very clear to me that my husband was able to listen to what they were saying to him even though he could not respond back to them verbally. He opened his eyes and smiled during the calls. These calls were a great comfort to me, and to our family, and I am sure that they comforted my husband as well.

In retrospect, I was surprised that the doctor did not suggest making calls when I was told that family members would not have time to be able to arrive before the death. Perhaps, they normally do that or just assume that the loved ones that are present will think of it themselves.
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Old 01-28-2018, 04:38 PM
Location: planet earth
4,806 posts, read 1,824,401 times
Reputation: 10665
Maybe your reaction has to do with your beliefs?

I sat with my mom for hours before she passed, and to me, it felt like a very sacred time.

I watched her take her last breath, and it was beautiful in a strange way.

She was medicated, though, so she was apparently not in pain.
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Old 01-28-2018, 05:32 PM
Location: Ypsilanti, MI
2,430 posts, read 3,657,283 times
Reputation: 4758
My Dad died in 1994 at age 79, one day before my 38th Birthday and slightly more than three years after suffering a massive stroke. My Mom died in 1998 at age 81, two years after suffering a stroke. After Mom's passing I felt like an orphan with both my parents gone, even though I had a wife and two teenaged sons.

I still miss them, some days more than others.
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Old 01-28-2018, 05:42 PM
46 posts, read 19,237 times
Reputation: 112
Lost both they where at my age when passed away. love them both. Don't get me wrong I lost 2 dogs that I had for 14 years and 4 couches. I felt ash am because I hurt just as bad when my dogs past on as my loving parents. 25 and I still think of parent everyday. I walk by my dog grave every morning and say hi..
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Old 01-28-2018, 06:09 PM
Location: Dover, DE
1,800 posts, read 3,832,017 times
Reputation: 2495
I missed my Dad's death by about 5 minutes in 1998. He battled colon cancer for several years and finally had to go to a nursing home as my Mom couldn't take care of him any longer. He went in on a Tuesday and we visited for the last time on Friday evening, same day as their 50th wedding anniversary. We went to a picnic with DH's former classmates on Sunday and when we got home there was a message that they couldn't find his colostomy supplies. When I called they told me that the ambulance had just left with him. We rushed over to the ER (did a 40 minute drive in about 25 min) but didn't make it. Later when I went in to pick up his stuff the nurse told me that the night before he told her he was done fighting, so he knew it was time.

My Mom was more of a surprise in 2003. She was also in a home due to Alzheimer's and dementia. Got home from work and got a call saying that they had taken in her supper and when they came back to get the tray she was gone. She really hadn't been physically ill, but who knows what is going on inside someone's body.

I still miss them both a lot. I was sad to not have them watch our DD become the beautiful and successful woman she is.
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Old 01-28-2018, 06:11 PM
1,254 posts, read 285,755 times
Reputation: 1500
Condolences to you OS1976. Godspeed.
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Old 01-28-2018, 06:16 PM
Location: Currently in CT but have recently started construction for our retirement home in NH
291 posts, read 231,680 times
Reputation: 756
I was there when both my parents passed. My father was only 50 and had suffered from ALS for about three years. We were able to keep him home the entire time until the end, when he went into the hospital (one day). My immediate family were all there just watching him in a coma like state, but every once in awhile he would open his eyes and look at us. At one point my mother, sister and aunt left for a few minutes and he opened his eyes one last time with me there alone. My mother felt badly that she wasn't there, but to this day I believe he didn't want her to see him and it was appropriate that I, his only son was present. My mother passed last year (86 years old) from what I believe was negligence on the part of her primary care physician (another story). In any case, she wasn't doing well and was hospitalized. I stayed with her the first day and when I returned the second day she appeared to be marginally better. Just before I was about to leave she felt ill so I called in the nurse, who immediately called in additional staff. After a few minutes the doctor came out and told me that there was nothing more they could do and asked if I would like to see her. When I entered her room she was also in a coma like state and never regain consciousness. She passed shortly afterwards.

It is a difficult thing to watch someone you love pass on, but like the OP, I am glad I was there. I'd like to think in both cases they knew I was there and that my presence provided them some small level comfort.
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