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Old 02-04-2018, 01:45 PM
 
3,093 posts, read 821,997 times
Reputation: 1750

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Perhaps the best way to deal with this situation (meaning your wife) for I think your take on it is quite sensible is to keep emphasizing the positive as you discuss it with her.

1. Honey, isn't it wonderful that we can afford to rent a house in Ohio and an apartment in New Jersey.
2. Honey, isn't it wonderful that I have an engrossing hobby and lifestyle that makes me content - and healthy and happy.
3. Honey, isn't it wonderful that we/you have such a good relationship with our child/grandchild that you are an ongoing presence in their lives.
4. Honey, isn't it wonderful that our marriage and relationship is still strong enough that you miss me and wish I were there.

Keep emphasizing that you feel the same - that you miss her but are also committed to maintaining a healthy lifestyle. When she visits, perhaps do everything you can to throw in some romance, excitement. Make her being on Ohio attractive to her. Perhaps some of her discontent with you not there in New Jersey is finding out that her grandchild cannot meet all of her emotional needs. Sure, I suppose making her Ohio visits pleasant could backfire by increasing her need for you - but if you pair that with helping her understand that could not be the same person if forced into an unsatisfactory lifestyle might work. That the romance, positive connection with her comes *from* the dual location lifestyle.

It sounds like you've made a good start at setting up some workable boundaries - now stick to them but work on trying to help your wife shift her focus a bit to include you and your needs.

Edited to add: You don't mention whether your wife's concern might include fears that you might meet someone else - perhaps she might not voice that to you or even fully to herself. Here, again I'd work to forestall these kinds of fears. Perhaps Skype each night, let her know what you're doing each day without her having to ask. The stronger your relationship, the more secure she may become. I think you said you don't mind driving - maybe emphasize that you're more than willing to come get her then take her back to NJ whenever she wants.

Last edited by EveryLady; 02-04-2018 at 01:54 PM..
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Old 02-04-2018, 01:53 PM
 
8,080 posts, read 13,462,215 times
Reputation: 10322
I am so glad my kids live in 4 corners of the country and move around some.
I couldn't follow them around if I wanted to.

If they all lived in one place I would be tempted.
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Old 02-04-2018, 06:09 PM
 
2,630 posts, read 1,935,832 times
Reputation: 4597
You've lived in Ohio for a long long time. Her excuse for moving to NJ (ugh, IMO) is petty. To flip the coin over, why not agree to get a "go to" in NJ and leave headquarters where they are in OH? Seems the most reasonable solution to me.
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Old 02-05-2018, 01:21 AM
 
Location: In my head
295 posts, read 315,718 times
Reputation: 618
Quote:
Originally Posted by fred jernejec View Post
I have a situation that I can use some help with. I lived in Ohio all my life and really enjoyed the area! My wife wanted to sell the house we lived in for 35 years and move to New Jersey just outside of NYC to be closer to both our children and our grand daughter. I really fought the idea because I am sort of set in my ways and did not like the thought of living in an urban area. I am involved with classic cars as my hobby but the area around NJ I could not feel comfortable being around for my cars. I have made alot of friends in ohio and enjoyed going to shows and cruises. I said I would come to NJ but I would like to spend the summers back in Ohio starting in May and ending in September.I go back to Nj for holidays and birthdays about once a month and usually spend about 5 to 7 days here. I did this in 2017 and really liked it! I found a completely furnished house to live in and was told I could also rent in 2018! She does not want me to spend all this time there. Any suggestions? Am I right or wrong! Thanks Fred
As I read the first page or so of this thread, I say to the OP, See what you started!
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Old 02-05-2018, 03:03 AM
 
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
22,579 posts, read 39,952,759 times
Reputation: 23707
Quote:
Originally Posted by fred jernejec View Post
I have a situation that I can use some help with. I lived in Ohio all my life and really enjoyed the area! My wife wanted to sell the house we lived in for 35 years and move to New Jersey just outside of NYC to be closer to both our children and our grand daughter. I really fought the idea because I am sort of set in my ways and did not like the thought of living in an urban area. I am involved with classic cars as my hobby but the area around NJ I could not feel comfortable being around for my cars. I have made alot of friends in ohio and enjoyed going to shows and cruises. I said I would come to NJ but I would like to spend the summers back in Ohio starting in May and ending in September.I go back to Nj for holidays and birthdays about once a month and usually spend about 5 to 7 days here. I did this in 2017 and really liked it! I found a completely furnished house to live in and was told I could also rent in 2018! She does not want me to spend all this time there. Any suggestions? Am I right or wrong! Thanks Fred
If you can afford it... good IDEA!

We do a LOT of solo traveling and extended stays (North America and Asia)
Some for eldercare / family needs, some by choice, some by interests... occasionally for paid gigs.
also... (one likes to RV / camp, one does not ) So we will drive together to a destination, then one might fly off to home, or another desirable location and meet up somewhere along the way.

We meet up when possible and have a great time (As we do seperate). Really is nice when dealing with and supporting extended family (stroke / rehab / in-home care, seasonal chores).

If you get tired of NJ winters and like Vintage CARS.... head to NZ during USA winter.

1) They have a passion for USA vintage cars (and British vintage motorcycles)
2) 5AM sunrises and 10PM sunsets and movies in the park are awesome in January!
3) NZ has Menz Sheds (community spaces / workshops for men to get together for various hobbies / mentoring / health programs.

Consider a way to make your Ohio / Homestays free / profitable:
1) Buy a commercial building with multiple tenants (including auto shop space) and an apartment for you
2) Consider rural property with extra living space and shop for you (we do that in TX,,, rent out the 'big house' and live in the cabin + have a 40x70 shop for us)
a) Good cash flow ($1000+ / month)
b) Deductible travel and 50% of food during trips back and forth (as allowed by IRS)
c) Something productive to do in your free time (improve properties)
d) Wealth Building (equity gain)

There should be plenty of ways for you to mitigate the time apart issues. (solving any cash strain is helpful)
  • Special times together are (more) meaningful.
  • Support each other's needs / desires (show appreciation and offer perks!)
  • This is likely just a 'season'... not forever.
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Old 02-05-2018, 05:32 AM
 
Location: RVA
2,165 posts, read 1,266,382 times
Reputation: 4456
No answer here, but Iím surprised that only one has pointed (maybe because the OP hasnít or it isnít the case) out that a homemaker, maternal centric wife, married for 40 years, would likely not feel comfortable living alone in a north NJ apt, AT ALL, where her only support group is her kid family, after a more typical home body married family life in Ohio. Not all women (or men) are the strong, happy to be on their own type, (though more men than women tend to be), and want their spouse around for support, protection, and completeness. ďOh, my husband lives in Ohio, while I live here.Ē does not sit well with most married women, regardless of how much they trust each other. Personally, this is a classic rock and a hard place conundrum. Good luck. But I know I wouldnít move to NJ, just be be around kids. Who cares what memories they have of you after you are dead?
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Old 02-05-2018, 08:33 AM
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
56,083 posts, read 54,565,498 times
Reputation: 66445
I am curious about both the way the OP worded his post and some of the other posts on here re New Jersey.

Where in "northern NJ" are they? The OP refers to it as an urban area, but I find that curious because most middle-class families with kids aren't living in the urban areas in New Jersey (mostly meaning the Hudson County cities across the river from Manhattan), but rather in the suburbs. Still, it could be. There are people who prefer to live even with kids in the upscale and expensive parts of Hoboken and Jersey City.

As a lifelong resident, I am aware that there are some pretty skewed ideas about what New Jersey really looks like. LOL,
the young woman working at my drugstore who grew up in the PNW and moved to NJ because her husband is stationed here in the Coast Guard told me she was shocked to see "so much green" in New Jersey.
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Old 02-05-2018, 08:44 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,581 posts, read 17,567,761 times
Reputation: 27667
I would much rather be in Ohio as well. Can't blame you.
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Old 02-05-2018, 09:16 AM
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
56,083 posts, read 54,565,498 times
Reputation: 66445
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post
I would much rather be in Ohio as well. Can't blame you.
Too far from the ocean.
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Old 02-23-2018, 03:33 PM
 
Location: Fresno, CA
1,071 posts, read 1,058,170 times
Reputation: 1980
You said you really liked it when you did the OH stay last year. Your wife doesn't like the idea. Questions come to mind:
  • How did she actually do during that time in 2017?
  • Did she complain? About missing you? Or about being alone too much?
  • Was she busy, more often than not, and enthused about her time with your granddaughter and family?
  • Or did she have too much time on her hands not spent with them?
  • Did she feel safe when not with them?
  • Aside from family, how was your wife's life in OH? Did she have a support system? Activities outside the home?
  • Same for NJ. Does she have any non-family activities? Is she building any kind of non-family support system (friends, church, senior programs, etc.)?
  • What are her fears? That you'll find someone else in OH?That you'll enjoy OH so much you'll want more and more time there and less with family? That you'll grow apart?
  • What are her resentments? That your OH life means more to you than she does? Than your other family does?

My take: retirement is a time to enjoy and reap the rewards of having been responsible and having paid your dues, however you can work that out. This is the only life most of us are sure about. It is given to us, in part, to enjoy if we can. Summer vacation apart in a former home place seems reasonable if you can find ways of addressing the above concerns.

You should have regular communication when you're apart to share your lives. Show your interest in hers. You should reassure her of your couplehood and let her know SHE's still your girl. Plan toward something to look forward to and to do together when you're reunited. She should know your OH rental home is also her home whenever she chooses to come.
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