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Old 02-11-2018, 06:11 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
5,187 posts, read 8,713,592 times
Reputation: 6214

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This is something I envision for myself in the future. I've always been the background person, the one with the disability, the one who had to work super extra hard to just make what others made, the one who had to help parents financially (even though eventually one other sib did the same), etc.

IOW, it's never been my time.

I've missed out on tons of social experiences because I had to work; had to cut college short b/c parents needed financial help (took 14 years to do what should have been done in 4). My husband did the typical college years (community college, 2 years away and an MBA) so he had that.

I've been trying to think about when I was 14-15 (before working because I had to) and think about what my interests were. I don't want to be bored in retirement. I would like to find activities or a community that would have a lot of options and where we would fit in.

That would be my plan over the next 5 years or so.

Have you seen anyone who was just kind of a mouse blossom in the later years? My siblings are very social, have tons of friends and their kids have turned out well. My two kids are doing OK. No drugs with any of the kids or their cousins so I'm grateful none of them went down that road.

If I say anything to a sibling about wanting to expand socially, they just laugh and say "you?" Get real or something like that....they don't mean to be nasty but just think all I want to do is work all the time.

I don't view this as a pity party - I just want to take the next 5 years and work towards a successful, busy, fun filled retirement. I want the social stuff though.
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Old 02-11-2018, 06:56 PM
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
56,345 posts, read 54,765,930 times
Reputation: 66883
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bette View Post
This is something I envision for myself in the future. I've always been the background person, the one with the disability, the one who had to work super extra hard to just make what others made, the one who had to help parents financially (even though eventually one other sib did the same), etc.

IOW, it's never been my time.

I've missed out on tons of social experiences because I had to work; had to cut college short b/c parents needed financial help (took 14 years to do what should have been done in 4). My husband did the typical college years (community college, 2 years away and an MBA) so he had that.

I've been trying to think about when I was 14-15 (before working because I had to) and think about what my interests were. I don't want to be bored in retirement. I would like to find activities or a community that would have a lot of options and where we would fit in.

That would be my plan over the next 5 years or so.

Have you seen anyone who was just kind of a mouse blossom in the later years? My siblings are very social, have tons of friends and their kids have turned out well. My two kids are doing OK. No drugs with any of the kids or their cousins so I'm grateful none of them went down that road.

If I say anything to a sibling about wanting to expand socially, they just laugh and say "you?" Get real or something like that....they don't mean to be nasty but just think all I want to do is work all the time.

I don't view this as a pity party - I just want to take the next 5 years and work towards a successful, busy, fun filled retirement. I want the social stuff though.
This sounds great. Lots of people take up new hobbies or interests in their retirement years. Why shouldn't you be able to focus on expanding a social life and trying new activities?

Don't worry too much about what the siblings say. They see you in a certain way, and usually when someone in a family system wants to make a change, it is met with resistance because your change might cause them a bit of discomfort.

This can be a whole new phase of your life. Don't worry about what others think. Do what you think you want to do. Remake yourself, as they used to say in the 90s. Good luck, and enjoy.
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Old 02-11-2018, 07:12 PM
 
Location: New Mexico
6,651 posts, read 3,704,259 times
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I’ve seen so many people emerge into a new phase of self awareness and success in retirement that I have no doubt that that is a real possibility for you. Sometimes we have great expectations but life gets in the way... the playing field is not the same for everyone so we do the best we can. Retirement takes away some of the barriers that we have had to face but we sometimes have new ones. Take care of your health and energy level and look for opportunities. This is not a competition.
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Old 02-11-2018, 07:18 PM
 
Location: the Old Dominion
298 posts, read 151,606 times
Reputation: 1394
Default ...you are someone...

If you sacrificed for others and now express an interest in yourself, and others are derisive of your aspirations, you do not need them. Do not waste your time on people who are negative. I include family. Life is too short.
My mother was like you, a mousey person. You do not have to be a doormat your whole life, Bette. Step out and LIVE! Count me your cheerleader. I am pulling hard for you.
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Old 02-11-2018, 07:22 PM
 
1,228 posts, read 1,264,090 times
Reputation: 4315
Hi Bette,

I understand entirely. I have a similar situation and want to have a more active social life. To that end, I carved some time out from the store and went to a book club meeting. I don't know if I will continue with the book club as I didn't like this month's selection and the one person whom I thought I might befriend is a very busy person with no real time for friendships.

When I close the store I am planning on moving into a 55+ community with a lot of social clubs. It won't be easy for me to join, as I am a loner and shy. But, I think it is necessary for me to expand my horizons and I don't want to be bored either.

Sending best wishes that you find your path.
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Old 02-11-2018, 07:30 PM
 
1,637 posts, read 754,385 times
Reputation: 8955
Don't bother telling the siblings what you want to do or you're going to do. Just do it! As you approach retirement, keep telling yourself you've earned the time to do as you please. And don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

But, unless you're working 16 hours a day, why not start now? Find one activity you'd like to begin. And do it for you. Baby steps.

No one who has interests is bored in retirement. Be the mouse who roars!
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Old 02-11-2018, 07:32 PM
 
3,150 posts, read 1,738,633 times
Reputation: 3525
Good luck to you with your plans. Personally I have a very small social circle of friends and what friends I had are diminishing in numbers by moving or dying. No matter what I do the circle stays the same.
However my life is quite rich with activities and my interests are ever expanding which brings very satisfying experience and interesting people that I meet.
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Old 02-11-2018, 07:46 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
5,187 posts, read 8,713,592 times
Reputation: 6214
Smile Right now, working a lot

Quote:
Originally Posted by CatzPaw View Post
Don't bother telling the siblings what you want to do or you're going to do. Just do it! As you approach retirement, keep telling yourself you've earned the time to do as you please. And don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

But, unless you're working 16 hours a day, why not start now? Find one activity you'd like to begin. And do it for you. Baby steps.

No one who has interests is bored in retirement. Be the mouse who roars!
Believe it or not, I work a lot. That number has happened quite a bit. I work about 80-90 hours a week.

My husband puts in a lot of hours also. We are really trying to turn things around and make up for events in the past that drained us financially.

My siblings are all wonderful people - we live within 5-10 minutes of each other! I've been talking about doing some of this for years so I guess after a while they don't believe it but 2018 is definitely renovation year - self and home.

BTW, we are both self employed.
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Old 02-11-2018, 07:49 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
5,187 posts, read 8,713,592 times
Reputation: 6214
Smile Thanks for the positive responses!

I needed them. I feel quite down today. Not sure why.
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Old 02-11-2018, 08:01 PM
 
Location: Sierra Nevada Land, CA
8,421 posts, read 9,173,490 times
Reputation: 13159
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
This sounds great. Lots of people take up new hobbies or interests in their retirement years. Why shouldn't you be able to focus on expanding a social life and trying new activities?
.
This is me. Itís almost a hobby, but I seem to be focused on meeting people and making new friends. In the last two years, Iíve made three new real friends. Training to be a docent and a Medicare supplement insurance counselor. Do it!
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