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Old 02-12-2018, 09:04 PM
 
Location: Connecticut
26,332 posts, read 42,304,319 times
Reputation: 7824

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I have never understood people that move far away from their family when they retire. You are basically making a decision to no longer be a significant part of your familyís life. That is fine but donít expect your family to visit you very much because they are not going to want to waste their precious little vacation time to visit you in what will likely be a community full of old people Year after year. And donít expect them to drop everything and come running when you have a medical emergency.

My MIL did this and could not understand why we did not visit more often. She would come for a few weeks in the summer but missed holidays and family events like birthdays, graduations, anniversaries, parties, etc. Her grandchildren are basically strangers to her. As years passed the health of her and her husband began to fail and there was no one there to help them as much as needed. There were numerous calls for issues like hearing aids not working, lost items, broken things, insurance problems, etc.

Flash forward several more years and her husband died, friends also die or move away and she is there alone. She had a serious medical problem and she was lucky one of her children had retired so they could go down and spend a month helping her get back on her feet. They then had to arrange for someone to come in to help her. Finally she gave in and moved back to be closer to family in her final years but so much had passed her by.

The OP says they hate New Jersey and would love to move to North Carolina. Someone said an 8 hour drive is not far. Are you nuts. 8 hours of driving is endless especially when you get older and on the east coast that drive could easily extend several hours due to traffic. Remember between NC and NJ are major cities like Baltimore and Washington DC. Who wants to drive through or near them?

You need to weigh your options. Are you willing to give up your family to live somewhere you think you may like? Are you willing to place the burden of distance on your family in the not too distant future. Though a small state New Jersey has a wide range of places to live. There are less expensive places to live there so you might look for a place an hour or two away. You might post on the New Jersey forum for suggestions of possible places there to move. Good luck. Jay
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Old 02-12-2018, 09:16 PM
 
Location: In my head
295 posts, read 315,868 times
Reputation: 618
Maybe we want to move away so that our snowflake adult kids will learn to be self sufficient, and to get away from busy body in laws.

In addition, in reality, how often do families get together on a regular basis other than holidays?
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Old 02-12-2018, 09:31 PM
 
167 posts, read 74,442 times
Reputation: 253
Quote:
Originally Posted by JayCT View Post
The OP says they hate New Jersey and would love to move to North Carolina. Someone said an 8 hour drive is not far. Are you nuts. 8 hours of driving is endless especially when you get older and on the east coast that drive could easily extend several hours due to traffic. Remember between NC and NJ are major cities like Baltimore and Washington DC. Who wants to drive through or near them? You need to weigh your options. Are you willing to give up your family to live somewhere you think you may like? Are you willing to place the burden of distance on your family in the not too distant future.
You need to weigh your options. Are you willing to give up your family to live somewhere you think you may like? Are you willing to place the burden of distance on your family in the not too distant future. Though a small state New Jersey has a wide range of places to live. There are less expensive places to live there so you might look for a place an hour or two away. You might post on the New Jersey forum for suggestions of possible places there to move. Good luck. Jay
I just want to emphasize the post above, esp what I bolded. Very wise post ^^

Before we moved 3.5 months ago, we asked our 26 year old son what he thought of these particular towns. His opinion of us moving a whole 2 hrs away since his dad is so allergic-coughing and on a CPAP machine at night. We'd try to exercise to loose a little weight but he'd cough due to bad air. Our son lived with us until he was 25 so was also concerned.

It feels like a vacation to our son when he spends the night. He loves the area we moved to-the house, the peace and tranquility so is willing to drive up to spend the night once a month. We discussed this prior to our move.

I have eye issues so cannot drive too much aside from commuting to work. My husband, his Dad, visits him 1-2 times a month for about an hour and a half...dropping by since he works down there. He will always take some jobs down at our former town, so he can visit. I will join him working once in a while so I can visit also.

Problem is... I miss my son terribly!! Family has to be #1 so do everything you can to ensure you see them pretty regularly.

If there was an emergency, at least I'd be there within 2 hrs. To imagine driving 8 hrs if an emergency occurred.... God help me but I could haul down the back-roads if needed to shorten the trip to his house. Gaining 10-15 minutes time. which is nothing if the drive was 8 hrs. This was the closest town (with clean air) where we could afford to buy a home.

.

Last edited by DaddyLongLeg; 02-12-2018 at 10:00 PM..
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Old 02-12-2018, 09:41 PM
 
167 posts, read 74,442 times
Reputation: 253
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunaimer View Post
Maybe we want to move away so that our snowflake adult kids will learn to be self sufficient, and to get away from busy body in laws.

In addition, in reality, how often do families get together on a regular basis other than holidays?
Just curious but if you are a parent, how old are your kids? how far is "moving away" from busy body inlaws? why call your kids "snowflakes?"
Sorry but it sounds like you're angry with much of your family. Most people don't call their kids & inlaws, names

.

Last edited by DaddyLongLeg; 02-12-2018 at 09:56 PM..
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Old 02-12-2018, 10:53 PM
 
Location: Sacramento
13,784 posts, read 23,811,113 times
Reputation: 6195
Good advice here, the choice doesn't HAVE to be NJ or an eight hour drive to NC.

Whatever it is you like about NC can probably be somewhat found in a place within two hours of your family, and this seems to be a logical way to approach the decision.
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Old 02-13-2018, 12:48 AM
 
Location: Arizona
5,948 posts, read 5,305,279 times
Reputation: 17972
Quote:
Originally Posted by lallen1 View Post
Hi All, We arenít retired yet but just wanting input from those of you who have left kids/grandkids to move somewhere more affordable or desirable. I'm sure this question has been asked many times before but just wondering what your experience has been for those of you who have done this.
Husband and I are so torn, 1 year ago we followed our kids back to NJ after leaving there 10 years ago because we didn't like it and cost of living/property taxes are ridiculous. So we are back in NJ and bought a tiny condo to live in (that's all we could afford) so we could be close to kids and 4 very young grandkids. We love our family but we hate living in NJ, and the tiny condo just isn't working out. We can't move to PA or anywhere nearby due to licensing issues with my husband's profession. We love North Carolina and would move there in a heartbeat but it is an 8 hour drive away from family.
Any experienced responses to this would be appreciated. Thanks.
If you are going to retire, and this is a retirement forum, why would your husbands licensing issues be a factor?
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Old 02-13-2018, 12:55 AM
 
Location: In my head
295 posts, read 315,868 times
Reputation: 618
Quote:
Originally Posted by DaddyLongLeg View Post
Just curious but if you are a parent, how old are your kids? how far is "moving away" from busy body inlaws? why call your kids "snowflakes?"
Sorry but it sounds like you're angry with much of your family. Most people don't call their kids & inlaws, names

.
Joking. Sarcasm.
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Old 02-13-2018, 01:09 AM
 
167 posts, read 74,442 times
Reputation: 253
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunaimer View Post
Joking. Sarcasm.
Oh sorry, *woosh*
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Old 02-13-2018, 01:44 AM
 
Location: Pure Michigan!
4,347 posts, read 7,426,099 times
Reputation: 6783
OP, maybe this isn't an option for you since part of your issue is the high cost of living in NJ, but my DH and I have already decided that when we retire in a few years, we will be exercising our option to be snowbirds.

Snowbirding appeals to us because where we live (southern Michigan) the weather is generally perfect from late April into November, which correlates with some of the most miserable weather months in the Southeast, the cost of living here is comparable to anywhere in the Southeast if not lower, we have a lovely house here, and most importantly, we live within an hour of both of our adult kids and elderly parents. Being a snowbird gives one the option of staying a few weeks or a few months, depending on what is going on at home, and we will still spend the bulk of the year with our families but get to miss out on most of the winter weather here.

I realize it isn't perfect, because being a snowbird requires one to disrupt their life for a few months in the winter and there is the added cost of maintaining a second place or renting, but when I think about what it would be like to live 12-14 hours away from our families, I can't even fathom it, we are just too close to our kids and parents. To the PP who made the comment that most families only get together on the holidays anyway, that is not us. We see our kids at least twice a month, even if it is just meeting somewhere for dinner. We see our parents even more often and are able to take them to doctors' appointments or check in on them when they are sick. I couldn't be happy not being able to do those things even if I lived right on the most beautiful beach in the world. And then there's the subject of grandkids, which we don't have yet, but if and when we do I want to be the grandma who's at their baseball games and birthday parties, not the grandma who they see once or twice a year for a few days and we find that we are just getting to really know each other when it's time for us to leave. That wouldn't be worth it.

I do feel for you, though, having to make this decision, I wish you all the best. I certainly do understand about wanting to live somewhere else at times, but for me it is mostly the winter weather, not anything more complex like the cost of living.

Last edited by canudigit; 02-13-2018 at 01:52 AM..
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Old 02-13-2018, 06:39 AM
 
653 posts, read 890,787 times
Reputation: 1538
Quote:
Originally Posted by JayCT View Post
I have never understood people that move far away from their family when they retire. You are basically making a decision to no longer be a significant part of your familyís life. That is fine but donít expect your family to visit you very much because they are not going to want to waste their precious little vacation time to visit you in what will likely be a community full of old people Year after year. And donít expect them to drop everything and come running when you have a medical emergency.

My MIL did this and could not understand why we did not visit more often. She would come for a few weeks in the summer but missed holidays and family events like birthdays, graduations, anniversaries, parties, etc. Her grandchildren are basically strangers to her. As years passed the health of her and her husband began to fail and there was no one there to help them as much as needed. There were numerous calls for issues like hearing aids not working, lost items, broken things, insurance problems, etc.

Flash forward several more years and her husband died, friends also die or move away and she is there alone. She had a serious medical problem and she was lucky one of her children had retired so they could go down and spend a month helping her get back on her feet. They then had to arrange for someone to come in to help her. Finally she gave in and moved back to be closer to family in her final years but so much had passed her by.

The OP says they hate New Jersey and would love to move to North Carolina. Someone said an 8 hour drive is not far. Are you nuts. 8 hours of driving is endless especially when you get older and on the east coast that drive could easily extend several hours due to traffic. Remember between NC and NJ are major cities like Baltimore and Washington DC. Who wants to drive through or near them?

You need to weigh your options. Are you willing to give up your family to live somewhere you think you may like? Are you willing to place the burden of distance on your family in the not too distant future. Though a small state New Jersey has a wide range of places to live. There are less expensive places to live there so you might look for a place an hour or two away. You might post on the New Jersey forum for suggestions of possible places there to move. Good luck. Jay
I agree with this 100%. I have an elderly Aunt who moved to New Mexico in her late 70's. Everything was wonderful for about 8 years -- she and her husband had friends, joined all kind of clubs, they loved the sunshine, the West, etc. Fast forward and her husband has died, she is in a retirement home, all her friends are dying, she has no children and constantly says nobody comes to visit her. And she is right. NOBODY comes to visit her. The problem is we all have jobs, our own children and grandchildren, my own elderly parents, resposibilities and if I get out there every couple of years it is amazing. When I have free time I want to take a vacation -- not use up all my time visiting someone who moved to a location that is super inconvenient and expensive to visit. I feel tremendously guilty and have urged her numerous times to move back East but she says she hates it here. We taught our children to make the hard but correct decisions in life and I say the same thing to myself now. WHEN I GET OLDER I WILL MOVE NEAR MY ADULT CHILDREN SO AS NOT TO MAKE THEIR LIVES MISERABLE. And I will do it sooner than later so I can make friends and participate in activities. You can be happy anywhere if you choose -- get involved, make friends and find a good life in New Jersey. You can visit North Carolina frequently as a vacation spot.
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